How to Deal With Depression in a Love Relationship
These tips for coping with a boyfriend, girlfriend, or marriage partner’s depression are from Dr Melvyn Lurie, author of Depression: Your Questions Answered.
Before his tips, a quip:
“In these 20 years of work among the people [in Calcutta], I have come to more and more realize it is being unwanted that is the worst disease any human being can ever experience.” – Mother Teresa.
Feeling unwanted and isolated is a huge factor in depression — and so are feelings of loneliness and fatigue. One of the best books on overcoming depression is The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness.
The more you know and understand about depression, the better you can see what to do and how to help a depressed partner.
And here’s what Dr Lurie says about coping with your spouse’s depression…
Dealing With Depression in a Love Relationship
Expect him or her to lose interest in physical intimacy
Losing interest in your love life is common in people with depression. “Whether from the inability to feel pleasure (anhedonia), inability to feel love, social withdrawal, or something more direct, interest in intimacy is frequently diminished in depression,” writes Dr Lurie. Further, losing interest in your love life can trigger other communication problems in relationships.
Has your partner lost interest in love or intimacy? Find other ways to express your physical intimacy, such as a massage or bubble baths together. And, remember that communication and intimacy problems can be triggered by depression.
If you’re wondering if your relationship is in trouble, you might find 7 Signs of Unhealthy Relationships helpful.
Don’t be surprised if your depressed partner tries to make you feel bad
This happens more often than you’d think! When someone feels incompetent, worthless, and unenergetic – which people with depression often do – they may project their feelings onto their partners. That is, a depressed partner may consider his or her partner as incompetent, worthless, or unenergetic.
“This kind of defense doesn’t work very well because it drives people away,” says Dr Lurie.
To cope with your partner’s depression, be aware of how negative feelings are projected. It can help simply to know why people dealing with depression make others feel bad, and learn to shrug off those behaviors. Learning how to cope with your partner’s depression in a relation can involve developing a thicker skin.
If you’re confused about your relationship, read Is Your Marriage Good or Bad? 3 Myths About Being Married.
Be aware of how depression can lead to relationship breakups
People dealing with depression may feel isolated, misunderstood, attacked, and unloved. They may withdraw socially, want to be alone most of the time, and lose touch with the ability to feel love. This causes communication problems in relationships. Plus, people with depression may become critical and argumentative. These factors make it difficult for a relationship to survive.
And, knowing how depression and relationships can co-exist can help smooth things over. Deciding in advance how to handle the negative parts of the relationship will prepare you for most anything. Also, contacting a Distress Line, depression support group, or counselor is a great idea, especially if you feel like you’re not dealing with depression and your love relationship very well.
The Psychology of Love
And, knowing how to overcome depression can help you understand your depressed partner, which can help you cope.
For Single People Dealing With Depression
Learn how depression affects your dating life
“Low self-esteem from depression can stop you from pursuing, let alone achieving, your goal of curing your loneliness,” writes in Dr Melvyn Lurie in Depression: Your Questions Answered. “This is a vicious cycle – your low self-esteem prevents you from curing your loneliness, and your loneliness worsens your depression and further erodes your self-esteem.”
Do things that increase your self-esteem, such as taking small risks and crossing things off your to-do list. If you’re dealing with depression, do little things every day to help you feel better about yourself.
Are you dealing with depression in a relationship? Sometimes it helps to write about your experience and feelings. I welcome your thoughts below — and I encourage you to consider calling a depression help line if you need support.
Category: Emotional Health Tips, Psychology Tips, Solving Relationship Problems
This was helpful to read about your partner’s depression. My wife has been depressed for about 3 years now, and some days are better than others. It takes a long time to overcome depression for some people even if you do have the right help. Good to know there’s articles like this out there, thank you.
Hi Laurie, thanks for your reply. Yes I do think it’s best that I put off making any major decisions until he goes to the counsellor as I can see that he really isn’t himself at the moment. He says he is definitely going to go but seems to be dragging his heels a bit about making the appointment and this is causing me a lot of frustration. I’m really trying to be patient but it’s so hard to see him like this, his thought processes are quite irrational and can be extremely negative but he just can’t see this at the moment.
Also he seems to be only able to do one thing at a time and can’t even make a phone call until that one thing gets done. I know depression can really affect concentration and this is very obvious with him. I don’t want to be nagging him but his memory has really been affected as well and he’s actually asked me to remind him about things including the counseling appointment. I just think the sooner someone objective like a counsellor can challenge his way of thinking the better he may get.
I wish he would read a book about depression with me but he still won’t acknowledge that he has it. It’s really strange, his way of talking about it is to talk about other people with depression and then he’ll throw something about himself into the conversation. I just let him talk and listen to him now when he wants to because previously when I mentioned that I thought he had depression he got extremely defensive. It’s a really tricky situation but my own counselor has helped me a lot in dealing with this. I’m really trying to educate myself about it though so that I can be more understanding and supportive. I’ve read a lot of books and online sites about the subject and this website and others have been really useful to see that I’m not alone in the situation. It’s so valuable to have this resource when friends and family just don’t understand. I don’t think people really can unless they’ve been closely touched by it themselves, I suppose that can be said about of lot of things. Until this happened I really didn’t have a clue about the effects of depression on relationships, I think this is particularly true when the depressed partner/spouse is in denial about the illness. I think the sooner more people become aware of the signs and symptoms the better, it could prevent a lot of anguish and heartache.
Best wishes,
Paula
Hi Paula,
What a shock, that your partner suddenly had his change of heart about your relationship! So sorry — that must be confusing and heartbreaking. Depression affects so many people, not just the person who is depressed.
I’m glad you’re in counseling and going to a support group.
Maybe you could put off making a decision about moving out until he’s had a few sessions with his counselor? I totally understand about wanting to give him space — and you need to distance yourself from becoming too needed, too overwhelmed with his depression and life.
What a tough situation — I can see how he’d be reluctant to take antidepressants or seek therapy for depression, because of his family’s experience. It might be helpful to read books about depression together, the two of you, and learn that it’s not a reflection of who you are as a man or woman. It’s often a chemical imbalance — something you have no control over, like any illness.
The more both of you learn about the causes and treatments of depression, the less stigma it’ll have. So, I suggest learning together, and seeing a counselor together a few times.
I hope this helps a little, and I welcome you back to share updates! I hope your partner’s sessions with the counselor go well…..and I encourage you to learn about depression with him.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Hi,
I just found this site today and am in a very similar situation to Vicki & Julie. Wondering how things are going now for you both? Hope things have improved. I’ve been living with my partner for over 5 years, we had a very trusting and loving relationship until a few months ago (very suddenly) he said he thought we should split up. At the time he became extremely distraught, said he felt suicidal, that he loved me more than anyone but that he was making my life a misery (not true at all), that all relationships end up bad anyway and he felt so guilty for dragging me down with him. I now know that he was going through some kind of nervous breakdown but at the time I didn’t know what was going on. I’ve also learnt since that the same thing happened with him in his late teens ever before we met. He had a very troubled childhood and has no contact with either parent so it’s been very hard for me to try and get any extra support for him. I told his sister how worried I was but I think she’s so caught up in her own problems that she’s not really capable of acknowledging what’s going on with my partner. Also, I only found out since this happened that a number of his immediate family members have been diagnosed with depression down through the years.
In spite of (or perhaps because of) all this he’s been extremely reluctant to admit that he has depression. This has made the situation so much worse but I don’t blame him for it either although it caused me to take things very personally. I’ve been going to a counsellor and support group and this has really helped me to get things clear in my own head. My family and friends have no understanding of depression, it seems to be a real stigma where I’m from, as a result of this I’ve felt very isolated, you’re very lucky to have someone around you who understands.
My partner never received any outside help or treatment the last time this happened. I can see now that he’s probably been struggling with depression for a long time but because he does shift work and this interferes with his sleeping habits I was putting a lot of his behaviour down to lack of sleep. I think he felt ashamed or something to talk to me about what he’d been through before.
I’ve really been stuggling to get my head around everything but I love him and want him to feel better. I suggested moving out to give him space but this seemed to really panic him and he begged me not to saying he knows he would feel much worse if I wasn’t around. On the one hand I wonder if I’m doing the right thing by staying but on the other hand he seems to need and be comforted by my support and just being here. He’s going to start going to a counsellor this week, so far he’s been reluctant to see a GP, I think it’s because he’s seen family members on & off medication and it seems to have affected him negatively.
I’m so glad to have found this website and welcome any advice.
Thanks,
Paula
Super-Duper site! I am loving it!! Will come back again – signing up for your RSS feed also.
Thanks.
Trying to figure out how to be supportive when it seems your partner doesn’t even want to interact with you is probably the most difficult part of this situation. When my partner said he felt distant from me and almost split up with me it tapped into one of my worst fears. I’ve been coping by looking at the big picture and assuming this will pass. I know I could easily make it worse by being defensive, rejecting, or threatening to leave. The problem is further complicated by the fact that nobody can really tell a couple how much time they should be interacting with one another. It is different for everyone. But I know that this isn’t our norm. We used to talk every night and now it is once a week. I am trying very hard to give space and let him be the one to initiate contact only because in the past I tended to be the partner that wanted to cling more or demand more. So depression aside I think each couple has to look at their own dynamics. Interestingly enough I found that after we took a time out for 2 weeks things were really good for a while and then he started to sink again. I am finding that letting him sort through his stuff while I learn how to take care of myself and enjoy my solitude is helping. Of course I get insecure from time and time and say “this is NOT a relationship” and “I don’t deserve this” but I try to steer away from such thinking because relationships and people change over time so again I look at the big picture and I know this isn’t the norm and as long as that is the case I assume we will be back on track. I am just grateful to see him trying.
Hi Amanda,
What a tough situation, especially since you’re in a long distance relationship. It’s great that you’re learning about depression and relationships — the more information you have, the better equipped you’ll be!
I have a few suggestions. One is to ask your boyfriend the exact question you’ve asked here: how can you be supportive of him and leave him alone at the same time? He might be able to help you help him. Be specific: should you wait for him to contact you? Should you text him three times a day? Should you contact him when you feel like it?
Also, you could ask your boyfriend what his therapist thinks about him being in a relationship right now. I don’t know what he needs; maybe he himself doesn’t know what he needs. His therapist may not have any answers, but it might be worth exploring.
Finally, I suggest talking to a counselor who specializes in depression, or find a support group for people whose loved ones are depressed. You’ll learn more than you think from people who are in that particular battlefield!
I hope this helps a little — and I welcome you back anytime! I’d love to hear how things are going.
Take care,
Laurie
Hi All,
I’v been reading your posts and find the information useful, but I’m a bit more detail oriented and have a concern/question. My boyfriend told me a week ago he’s been seeing a therapist and has been diagnosed with depression; when I asked what’s being done, he stated therapy and meds (I didn’t want to get too questioning about the specifics). Either way, we have only been together about 2 months, but I have known him for over 15 years, and we reconnected as friends about 3 1/2 years ago. I state all of this because while the relationship is short, he’s not a stranger. Anyway, I don’t know how long he’s been in therapy for the depression, but he said it started when he was in Iraq (to which he’s been back in the states for about 3 months). However, his personality has taken a complete nose dive in the past 3 weeks. He went from being extremely lively and communicative, to very distant and absent…his exact description of how he feels is ‘empty’ ‘hopeless & alone’ and he wishes everybody would leave him alone. Fair enough, as this appears to be very common. However, for me, the problem with this is we are in a long distance relationship to where phone calls and texts are our life-line. I’ve been through enough myself to understand that sometimes people go through periods where they want to be left alone. However, I’m not sure how to be supportive of him and leave him alone at the same time. I understand the long-distance nature of this is complicated in itself and this definately is not making it easier. But as I’ve said, I’ve known him for a long time, and he was there for me during a low part in my life and I want to do the same for him, I’m just not quite sure how, and I find I’m becoming more angry and frustrated with him shutting me out. I don’t know much about depression and am trying to learn as much as I can to understand it, I just thought I would throw this out there for any thoughts or ideas or experiences anybody reading this page might have. Thanks!
Hi Pat,
Thanks for talking about your experience with your partner’s depression. It’s helpful to know what works and what doesn’t — and it’s important to recognize that what works for one couple won’t work for another. I’m glad you’re talking to a therapist; that might help with things like not taking his behavior personally and working through your own insecurities.
I imagine that living apart makes a huge difference! That space and time apart can be helpful in coping with a partner’s depression, but again it’s different for all couples.
I hope you and he get through this second upheaval successfully.
Best wishes,
Laurie
I have a depressed partner. In our almost 8 years together this is our second upheaval. When he is not having a crisis our relationship seems almost a thing to envy as we are so close and compatible. But when he has a breakdown it becomes a nightmare for me. Not taking it personal has been the hardest thing for me. I see a lot of things that make me feel left out but I feel I cannot talk about that with him. I can only appreciate the parts I get. I have to be careful with what I bring up. Any touchy question or observation seems to lead to shame, defensiveness, or a crying jag. Sometimes I feel like I almost have to be perfect or pretend things don’t bother me. I have to work out my insecurities on my own and with my therapist because he isn’t in the strongest frame of mind to reassure me or tell me what is going on. I have journaled pages and pages worth of material to keep my thoughts positive.
Giving space and not reacting to the distance has been difficult but very necessary right now. I keep looking at the big picture. We’ve beat this before and I feel it’s worth seeing it through. Forcing ones way into a depressed partner’s world has been suggested but I find that in my situation the space is better particularly since I don’t want to get my own insecurities and hurt mixed up in all of his stuff. Furthermore a seperate identity for him is a critical theme that has remerged albeit with less intensity this time. Living apart makes it easier.
John,
I’m sorry for this — it sounds very frightening for both your wife and you. And her mum!
I hope you and your consultant can figure out the best way to make sure your wife takes the amount of medication that she needs. It sounds like your wife wants to live and overcome her depression, though. It’s a good sign that she called her mom.
Hang in there…I’m sure things will get better, especially if you can get the consultant’s advice.
Best wishes,
Laurie
an update from me…. 7 weeks ago my wifes medication was changed because the old one had bassically stopped working and my wife had been getting suicidel thoughts, at 1st things seemed to be going in the right direction, however last wednesday i got the phone call from hell from my brother in law, saying that a ambulace was on its way to my house because my wife had taken an overdose, i had been holding her medication to try prevent this but unknown to me she had got a new lot from pharmacy[ a months supply] and she`d taken the lot, yhen panic`d and rang her mum. as it turned out she could have taken any number of these tablets and would`nt killed her. they have again changed her medication and are waiting to see consultant about the next step, im really scared off loosing her, doing my best to keep what happened from the kids, but think the eldest knows what happened.ive asked the gp if her medication can be made out to me, but this is not possible
Thank you so much for the thoughtful and supportive note Laurie! All the best! Warmest wishes to you, Michelle
Thanks for your update, Michelle…it sounds like things are moving forward for you, which is great. You WILL find what works to help with your husband’s depression. It just takes time, dedication, and faith.
Good luck, and I hope it all works out sooner rather than later!
Laurie
Checked back in for a sec. Was in such a real rush earlier. All the best to everyone. Appreciate everyones help in the past. Counseling for the partner/spouse of a depressed person really does help. Sending warm thoughts, Michelle
Hi Laurie & everyone else! I haven’t been on site in quite a while & haven’t read comments. Too much going on so can only focus on my life. I just wanted to let you know that my husband’s symptoms changed as soon as he got off Buproprion SR (twice a day formulation of generic Wellbutrin). He had previously been on Buproprion XL but had been off of it since April. He was put back on Buproprion on June 30 (after going off Prosac for 4 days on his own and not adding anything other than alcohol). 2 weeks later when symptoms hadn’t improved (there were a lot of factors), he was put on Buprooprion SR with hope that it would make things better but the change in formulation it appears per pharmacists made things worse. It can in some people. Some are better with once a day and some with twice. His depression got much worse, he experienced some panic attacks and episodes of confusion. It was hard to figure out bec he has diabetes and works in a hot environment so the thought was that episdoes of confusion had to do with drop in blood sugar, heat exhaustion or dehydration but it was the med. Cognitive issues are being explored but we know they are not knew. This all required being on medical leave 3 1/2 weeks because employer was unable to depend on him with episodes surfacing out of the blue. I hope this makes a bit of sense. In real rush but Laurie I happened to see your e-address in my address book next to another Laurie and thought I should let you and others know that sometimes a chance in FORMULATION (once a day to twice or vice versa), change in manufacturer of generic drug or just being off the med and going back on months later could do it. Thanks for all your support in past. Individual counseling is really making a difference! Lots of emotional work needed to help me deal with my husbands PTSD. Warmest wishes, thoughts & prayers, Michelle
Avril,
Thanks for being so honest — it’s very good that you can be real about how you feel, no matter how it sounds!
I suggest you start focusing on how to build a healthy, happy life for you and your child. Start doing things that make you feel refreshed, alive, and rejuvenated. Stop focusing on your partner’s depression, and start focusing on living your own fulfilled life.
Not only will this make you feel better, it’ll bring a sense of joy and vitality to your home — and to your child.
Stop waiting in limbo, and start living! Go to music or yoga classes with your kid (in Canada, we have Mommy and Me Yoga and Kindermusic). Spend the whole afternoon with your friends and their kids. Take a road trip for the day — I don’t know what you and your child love to do, but I suggest you be deliberate about making time for yourself and a happy life.
I hope your partner gets over his depression soon. In the meantime, take care of yourself!
Best wishes,
Laurie
I feel the same way Libby does. I’m so confused. I’m angry! My partner and I have been together for 2 years. Everythng was going well until a couple of weeks ago. We have a child together. I am mentally “tired.” Everything I am reading is towards helping him heal. What about me??!! Our child??!! I don’t know what to say to him anymore. I am so tired of just being out there in “limbo!” I know this sounds badd but its how I feel.
Giving individual or even couples counseling a try when one partner has depression is a noble, hopeful, loving, and faithful thing to do! John, I’m glad you’re willing to wait to see a counselor, and I really hope it helps.
Libby, I encourage you to find a support group or friends who understand — one of the best ways to deal with anything in marriage, relationships, or life in general is to connect with people. I know it’s commonsense — but it’s commonsense because it’s TRUE, and it works! Feeling alone makes it harder to cope with a partner who is depressed….and repressed anger can turn into depression itself.
Also, taking control and empowering yourself is a great way to deal with bad situations in life. Figuring out ways to take your power back can be helpful — and that includes setting up your life the way you want it, depressed partner or not.
I’m sorry there aren’t any easy answers!
Best wishes,
Laurie
hi libby, don`t know if you have read my posts or not, my wife has had depression for 14 years, and know what your saying is TRUE, I share the same feelings of anger etc, we are not alone tho, but yes sometimes peoples help and advice does`nt help, but at least their trying to show we are not alone, im currently waiting to see a councellor, this may or may not help???but im going to give them the chance.my wife seems at the moment to be shutting me out of her life? when im trying to help. best wishes. john
MY HUSBAND HAS DEPRESSION AND I DONT FIND ANY OF THE INFORMATION I READ ON HOW TO HELP OR COPE WITH A PARTNER WITH DEPRESSION, ITS ALL JUST COMMON SENCE. I LOVE MY PARTNER BUT I FEEL SO ALONE AND ANGRY ABOUT HOW HE HAS CHANGED ITS HARD TO SHOW SUPPORT AT TIMES.
Hi Vicki and Laurie,
Thank you so much for responding! This site really has helped me to regain my strength and sense of self. I was beating myself up wondering what I had done wrong and how a happy/healthy/loving 4 year relationship slipped away in the matter of days. Thank you so much for explaining to me that I MUST not take anything he says personally. Not to mention, he is up, he is down, he is all over the map…. nothing seems to make any sense! My fiance has NEVER EVER spoken to me the way he has in the past couple of weeks, it’s been so hard not to internalize what he has said and done. Again, thank you for responding…..It really helps to know that someone else understands what an awful situation this really is. Vicki, I’m so glad things are turning around for you and your boyfriend, it gives me hope! Keep me posted
My fiance called me this morning and was feeling awful, he told me that he would hate for me to “wait” for him because he knows that he is never going to get through this. He told me that he was going to stop going to therapy and taking his meds because neither of them are helping. He also told me AGAIN that just being in a relationship makes him feel guilty and that he hates what he is doing to me, it makes him feel horrible for dragging me through the mud, therefore, we should break up (He doesn’t argue when I say no, he just accepts it and moves on!) I continuously tell him that I am not going anywhere, I refuse to give up on him even if it means that I must sit and wait until he is ready. I tell him not to worry about me and that I will be here for him when he needs me but I am still giving him all the space he needs, I told him to call when he feels as though he is ready to chat, vent, laugh, whatever he needs. Yet, he still calls me almost everyday for no apparent reason! He still maintains that seeing me and even calling me is just too hard for him because he knows that he is unable to give me what I deserve… does this sound like an excuse to anyone or is this characteristic of a depressed individual? This is the second time he has called and confessed all of this to me. Both times he has called it seems as though he was in a full blown panic attack about something going on at the moment or about to happen (today he was panicking about the thought of getting on an airplane this weekend). I sometimes struggle with the idea that maybe he really doesn’t want to be with me. He tells me that he still loves me and that he wants to be with me but it’s pointless because he’s sick and not getting better. I just can’t imagine that from one week to the next were planning our wedding and then he’s trying to break up with me. it just doesn’t make sense? Am I oblivious to whats happening? or do you think that this could be him looking for some sort of re-assurance from me? Please help!
In the meantime I am trying to maintain positive by looking taking this time to find the person I used to be before this all happened, I am partaking dance classes and have even booked a trip with my girl friends. I am taking this opportunity to strengthen myself, with all of this going on I realized that throughout this relationship I may have become too emotionally dependent on my fiance. I see this is as a second chance to regain my independence and work toward a strong everlasting relationship.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what else I should be doing at this point?
Thank you again SOOOO MUCH!
Julie
Hi guys
Thought I’d update you on what’s going on with my partner and me…
Well, I lived at the flat for 3 weeks while he stayed at his parents house. We kept in contact by texting (as sometimes it’s easier to think of an answer over time rather than having to come up with an answer quickly on the phone) and we did talk every few days. I let him text me first, as I didn’t want to appear as being pushy. Not going into detail with what happened, just general conversation. I stayed at my parents a few times during these weeks so that he could stay at the flat around his things, and it meant I had company as well (which is always a good thing). Then we went out on a ‘date’ and had a bit of a chat – again, I didn’t push him to talk about everything as I feel it’s still too soon. Anyway, I met up with my partner at a mutual friends house, and he admitted he missed me terribly and wanted to come back home. It’s been a week now, and things seem to be returning back to normal, although I am taking this a day at a time, and because it’s still quite fresh, my partner doesn’t seem to want to talk about what he’s going through. He is going to councilling once a week and has also started a meditation type class. It’s been tough, and I can still see it being tough as I try to get back to normal myself. I have advised my partner that if he needs space, all he needs to do is ask and I’ll go to stay at my parents or round friends houses for a few days to give him that space.
To Julie – your going through exactly the same as me (don’t know if you read any of my earlier posts). I think the best thing you can do for your boyfriend at this stage is give him the space he needs, and tell him that you are there for him, no matter what. As with my boyfriend, he took a good few weeks to come round from his breakdown. He still won’t open up to me about it, but we are back to talking and being a couple again. I can only hope for you that your boyfriend realises how much he misses you and see’s sense in at least that part of his issues. It’s going to be a long road in terms of him understanding his own issues and trying to overcome them, but remember not to put yourself down and make sure you keep yourself busy if you’re currently not living together. Maybe spending time apart will make your partner understand how much he does miss you. Take it a day at a time at the moment. I was thinking over and over if there was anything I could have done to prevent my boyfriend having his breakdown, but there is nothing I could have even prepared for in this situation. The problems are his, unfortunatly at this point in time nothing you say will solve them. Don’t blame yourself for this – there is no right or wrong way to act to cope with what you’re going through as well. When my partner had his breakdown I was signed off work for a week to try to understand and cope with what had happened. I spent half the week crying. However, family and also friends helped me through the worst, and my dad advised me to make sure I was ok, as when something like this happens people do tend to forget about you when it’s your partner who has had the actual breakdown. Even though you feel like s**t, just make sure you take time out for yourself and take it steady.
Hope this helps, take care
Vix x
Hi Julie,
I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend’s depression and how it’s affecting your relationship. That’s such a difficult place to be, so painful for you both.
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, but I do wonder if you should let him go. Not permanently — just to give him enough headspace and heart space to figure out the best way to handle his depression. Sometimes depression is so overwhelming, people just can’t cope with other aspects of life…especially the thought of something as big as a wedding.
It’s great that you’re giving him space, and that he can call when he’s ready. It’s also great that you’re trying not to take this personally — because his depression and how he’s trying to cope with it isn’t about you. He’s doing the best he can to make his life manageable, or even just liveable.
I hope you can forgive yourself for whatever you feel guilty for. You were reacting in the best way you knew how! You didn’t know what was going on, and you were trying to connect with him.
Is he getting help for his depression? Also, you might consider talking to a counselor, and getting professional advice on how to manage your own feelings of guilt and pain.
I wish I had a magic solution for you, but I don’t! But I do think you should stay hopeful for the future. Once he works through his depression and gets the best treatment, he might be back to his old self and ready to move forward with you. This may just be a bad blip in your relationship — and all relationships have them!
Best of luck, and do come back anytime.
Laurie
Hello,I don’t know where to start. My fiance has had an incredibly hard year. His brother suddenly passed away a year ago, his father drinks heavily, he has also undergone surgery (which has kept him from being physically active all summer long), he can’t sleept at night, and he has nothing to do but think all day long. To make matters worse he bottles everything up. Needless to say, he has finally broken down. He has been taking medication for over a month and is now seeing a therapist regularly.
I was living with him up until last week, his depression was really starting to put a strain on our relationship. I decided that it would be best in the best interest of our relationship and my fiance if I moved back home. Living together at this point was poision for our relationship. He agreed. He appologized profusely for making me upset and hurting me, he told me how guilty he felt for putting me through this. As I was moving my things out, he explained that he loved me very much and that this was not a break up.
Everything changed within in three days, he wants to call off our wedding and even worse break up because he says he will never ever get better and that nothing hurts him more than knowing what he is doing to me. He says he he wants to be with me but doesn’t want to ruin my life by dragging me through the mud. I told him that I had no problem holding off on the wedding but I refused to let him break up with me, I accepted this proposal for a reason. I will not give up on him that easily, I told him that I would give him all the space he needed and to call me when he was ready, and he agreed.
I cannot understand what has happened. We have not had ANY problems in our relationship. I am beginning to feel incredibily guilty. In the early stages of depression, I had no idea what was happening I couldn’t figure out why he was so distant. I would cry all of the time and ask him “what is wrong?” over and over again. Maybe I made things worse? Maybe I pushed him away. At this point, he says he is not ready to see me because of the guilt he is feeling. Even talking to me at this point is difficult for him. I am trying so hard not to take any of this personally but it feels as though he is punishing me for the way he is feeling. This has been the most difficult situation I have ever been in. I can’t stop crying! What am I doing wrong? How can I ensure that I am taking the proper steps in order to restore the relationship we once had.