How to Deal With Depression in a Love Relationship
These tips for coping with a boyfriend, girlfriend, or marriage partner’s depression are from Dr Melvyn Lurie, author of Depression: Your Questions Answered.
Before his tips, a quip:
“In these 20 years of work among the people [in Calcutta], I have come to more and more realize it is being unwanted that is the worst disease any human being can ever experience.” – Mother Teresa.
Feeling unwanted and isolated is a huge factor in depression — and so are feelings of loneliness and fatigue. One of the best books on overcoming depression is The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness.
The more you know and understand about depression, the better you can see what to do and how to help a depressed partner.
And here’s what Dr Lurie says about coping with your spouse’s depression…
Dealing With Depression in a Love Relationship
Expect him or her to lose interest in physical intimacy
Losing interest in your love life is common in people with depression. “Whether from the inability to feel pleasure (anhedonia), inability to feel love, social withdrawal, or something more direct, interest in intimacy is frequently diminished in depression,” writes Dr Lurie. Further, losing interest in your love life can trigger other communication problems in relationships.
Has your partner lost interest in love or intimacy? Find other ways to express your physical intimacy, such as a massage or bubble baths together. And, remember that communication and intimacy problems can be triggered by depression.
If you’re wondering if your relationship is in trouble, you might find 7 Signs of Unhealthy Relationships helpful.
Don’t be surprised if your depressed partner tries to make you feel bad
This happens more often than you’d think! When someone feels incompetent, worthless, and unenergetic – which people with depression often do – they may project their feelings onto their partners. That is, a depressed partner may consider his or her partner as incompetent, worthless, or unenergetic.
“This kind of defense doesn’t work very well because it drives people away,” says Dr Lurie.
To cope with your partner’s depression, be aware of how negative feelings are projected. It can help simply to know why people dealing with depression make others feel bad, and learn to shrug off those behaviors. Learning how to cope with your partner’s depression in a relation can involve developing a thicker skin.
If you’re confused about your relationship, read Is Your Marriage Good or Bad? 3 Myths About Being Married.
Be aware of how depression can lead to relationship breakups
People dealing with depression may feel isolated, misunderstood, attacked, and unloved. They may withdraw socially, want to be alone most of the time, and lose touch with the ability to feel love. This causes communication problems in relationships. Plus, people with depression may become critical and argumentative. These factors make it difficult for a relationship to survive.
And, knowing how depression and relationships can co-exist can help smooth things over. Deciding in advance how to handle the negative parts of the relationship will prepare you for most anything. Also, contacting a Distress Line, depression support group, or counselor is a great idea, especially if you feel like you’re not dealing with depression and your love relationship very well.
The Psychology of Love
And, knowing how to overcome depression can help you understand your depressed partner, which can help you cope.
For Single People Dealing With Depression
Learn how depression affects your dating life
“Low self-esteem from depression can stop you from pursuing, let alone achieving, your goal of curing your loneliness,” writes in Dr Melvyn Lurie in Depression: Your Questions Answered. “This is a vicious cycle – your low self-esteem prevents you from curing your loneliness, and your loneliness worsens your depression and further erodes your self-esteem.”
Do things that increase your self-esteem, such as taking small risks and crossing things off your to-do list. If you’re dealing with depression, do little things every day to help you feel better about yourself.
Are you dealing with depression in a relationship? Sometimes it helps to write about your experience and feelings. I welcome your thoughts below — and I encourage you to consider calling a depression help line if you need support.
Category: Emotional Health Tips, Psychology Tips, Solving Relationship Problems
kimberleys comments really hit the spot, it is easy to resent the person not the illness, this makes me qustion my love sometimes, ie i ask myself “if i really loved my wife” i would be more compassionate all the time, but its hard sometimes, we rowed sat night.what makes me angry is unlike kimberleys husband my wife doesnt seem to help herself, shes been told exersize will help, but doesnt do any,the other night was nice weather so i suggested going for a walk with HER dog, but she chose to spend the evening watching the tv,i went for a 2 hour walk ALONE [with the dog].tv seems her only interest!. she got new medication which at 1st seemed to be helping but she is now not taking them as prescribed shes not giving them chance to work, after 14 years its really wearing me down, and think the kids are getting fed up with mum being how she is, and grumpy dad!. sorry if i sound selfish but ive had a crappy and stressful time at work this week, but nobody is asking how i am or how my day went, i know that sounds like self pity and i dont want to be, because she is the one ill not me, but grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. thanx if youve read my moan.best wishes.john
Kimberley, thank you for your insights and story! I’m amazed at how objectively you see both yourself and your husband — and I don’t see this as a rant at all.
It’s good to hear that couples can live through depression together, even with little kids (a baby peanut, to boot). I love that you’re making the deliberate choice to love and accept your husband as he is…and yet you’re fair and honest with your own feelings.
Again, thanks for stopping in — I know you’ve helped people learn to cope with their partners’ depression…you’ve certainly helped me better understand how depression affect couples.
Take care,
Laurie
Hi there, My husband lives with depression (we’ve been together nearly 10 years and now have 2yo and 12wk old girls).
We have been very lucky, my husband has not had a major episode for several years however he has lows from time to time and these vary in their severity. It certainly does take a toll on the partner, especially once you add kids to the mix. i find myself worrying constantly that the stress of family life and work responsibilities are going to ‘make him sick’. I also have periods where i really resent the depression and have to try really hard to remind myself it is the illness and not the person. Obviously, this makes me feel guilty, like a b*tch etc. My husband does actually work really hard to try to manage his depression and anxiety, he really does everything he can to lead a healthy lifestyle, pursues his cognitive therapy etc. Unfortunately it just doesn’t always add up particularly during life-changing events- eg,birth of second child equals joy AND stress. When he comes home from work in the evening our little girl is so excited to see him and sometimes I find myself wishing he’d make more of an effort to “perk-up” etc.
I find that reminding myself of a few important points does help.
* The depression is not the person (sounds cliched but amazing how you can forget).
* I chose to marry and have children with someone who has depression. I even knew he had depression before dating him but I just didn’t understand the implications. But to be fair on myself, I fell in love with him very quickly and therefore there was no choice for me. It is still OK to acknowledge and accept your resentments.
*Providing company, even if it is just a presence in the house is better than leaving them alone (I believe, no matter how severe their case). This forces them to participate in everyday life, even the arguments! You just have to limit your expectations. Yes, you can resent this.
*i’m not perfect and sometimes i can be a real b*tch. This doesn’t help him. But I’m human.
*try to keep busy so you don’t have too much time to resent things. Delight in the moments when he’s fully ‘there’.
Obviously my rant is geared more towards those living with people who are currently ‘managing’ their depression. To be honest, if my husband had a major episode now that we have 2 kids I’m not at all sure how I’d cope. It is a daily fear. Will keep an eye on this site. x
laurie, i know what your saying is true, im not suggesting my wife is depressed by choice, ive talked to gps about the causes of depression, chemical inbalences etc,ive also said things like “get over it” or suggested ” having a beer or two” to feel better [doesnt work]my wifes change of medication is showing positive signs, so fingers crossed. but the down side side is that it seems to be leaving her with no energy,always going to bed,i feel like a single parent sometimes.
Medication for depression — no matter what type of antidepressants they are — definitely changes the person’s behavior. And the longer people take meds, the more and long-lasting the changes are. But, those changes are often preferable than living with the symptoms of depression!
It’s important to remember that depression is often caused by brain chemicals and hormones that are beyond the person’s control. No matter how good a person’s life is, some feelings and behaviors aren’t something that is chosen.
I’ll never forget talking to a woman who was dealing with major depression. This was 20 years ago. I made the mistake of saying something like, “Just get over it — think about happy things! Be positive, and you’ll feel better.” That did NOT go over well, and I’ve since then learned that people with depression can’t control how they feel.
Depression is so hard on everyone….but, if you can find the right antidepressants (and the right dosages, which can take time) and if you can make good lifestyle choices, you can certainly overcome it!
i know what you mean, my wifes depression is screwing her up, but the medication [in my view] is also screwing her up, but im not the one with depression [yet] so dont really understand, im trying to. my sister as just beaten cancer for the 4th time,she should be the one depressed,my wife has a good life in comparison so sometimes this makes me angry and sometimes say things that perhaps dont help,im only human.your both still young so COMMITMENT is scary,you still have time on your side, at least your not old and passed it like some of us.ha ha
Thank you for your support John, I think its the not knowing which is the hardest, and I believe in time (whether this be weeks or months) that I will get a final answer, deep down I am hoping that it is the medication screwing him up. I will keep updating on whats going on, this forum is a great way of getting everything out of me that i cannot physically say in words.
V x
hi vicki, sorry to read your situation, you will make your decision how you feel about it, if i can offer a male point of view on it, what i would do is give it time to see where it goes, its moving to fast,slow down, he says hes sorry and does not want to loose you,this may be true{ hope it is}sometimes you dont know what you have until you loose it, but it could also be born out of guilt, this is why i say give it time. his breakdown will mean hes not thinking straight,you both need space and time. best wishes. john
He has since text me to say that he is very sorry, that he does love me and he does not want to lose me, that he needs to sort himself out and that he feels the medication is having an adverse effect on him.
I take it this is normal? I understand it will be a complete Jeykll and Hyde situation at the moment in regards to his thoughts and feelings.
Cheers, V x
Thank you for your kind words Laurie, im going through all kinds of feelings at the moment, I understand that he needs space but its so hard to suddenly have all this crashing down on me, i’ve been hurt before but not like this…
I know things will improve with time, and deep down I am trying to do whats best for him as well, as he needs to think all this through and admitted down to his medication giving him no feelings at all apart from anger that he’s making me feel this way, at the moment I can only hope that time is what it takes to sort everything out, and that in time we can start to see each other again, but its also a complete head-f**k to me.
I will keep writing on here as getting it all out for the world to see I feel does help in its own way.
Vix x
Aww, I’m so sorry Vicki.
I just wrote to Sean (and you gave him some great advice! he’s the one whose friendship might be ending) — and it fits with what you’re going through:
One of the saddest, hardest parts of life is realizing how little control we sometimes have over what happens to us. Don’t get me wrong — I’m all about empowering people to achieve their goals — but sometimes we just have to let people and things go. We just have to accept that whatever happens, happens…and all we can do is try to bounce back and not let it wreck our lives or make us bitter.
And, remember that relationships go through all sorts of stages. Sometimes they die, but other times they just need breathing space. Your partner isn’t thinking very clearly right now — so maybe he will come back to you. If not, then he’s not the right man for you. And, it’s better to break up than spend time with someone who isn’t right for you.
My heart breaks for you,
Laurie
He’s come to the decision to end our relationship. He is moving back to his parents, which will mean that I will have to also move back home with my parents. This is not what I want but now there is no choice. :’(
My partner came in this morning and has said he thinks we should split up for good (or at least for the time being) – he even said that he hopes I can be happy in the end, but that he cannot see us spending the rest of our lives together (even though 2 years ago he proposed to me and I said yes). This has been the most upsetting thing of all, as I dont know if it’s him talking or again whether it’s the depression making him feel differently. I dont know whether to let go for good or whether to try and hold on to him. I dont want to let him go, and whether this is being selfish I dont know. We share most friends, and I get on really well with his family, and I dont want to hold him back if he really does feel that way, but I’m scared. Im scared of being alone, scared that if this is it then whether I could handle seeing him with someone else in the future. He is my first real love, and I really do love him so much.
He has also said something in him cannot be that diminished in feelings as seeing me so upset is effecting him badly – he does not want to see me so upset knowing that he has caused this. I dont want any false hope though – he has said he may spend tonight back with me at our flat to see how it goes, but I dont know whether he is doing this to try and prevent me from being so upset, but again I dont want false hope.
Writing this is helping me a lot, and I am grateful to all you guys for having this forum. I have discussed all this with my friends, however I feel getting your advice or thoughts is a fantastic thing, as you do not judge.
I will continue to write on here as you guys are helping me, even if you are a few thousand miles away!
Thank You
Vix
hi laurie, wow thanx for your reply,really thoughtful. ye i do fill my life with activeties, i regulally go out with my eldest son and a couple of freinds mountain biking,tho they are not palls who i can really share my problems with,ive tried to encourage my wife to join us or tojust go out together but without success.her doctor suggested exercise to incourage happy feelings but it is hard to “get her going”, it is putting a strain on our marrage, and i feel she is missing out on so much of life with our two sons and me. again thank you for taking the time to comment, looking back at your other comments to other people you seem a very nice and helpful person, but don’t forget about yourself sometimes,take care. john
Vix — hang in there, and keep us posted!
I know exactly how you feel about living alone after being used to living with someone. My husband goes away regularly for work (he’s a geologist who has to travel to remote exploration camps)….and it’s a very difficult adjustment when he leaves. And when he comes home, it’s a whole new adjustment. (maybe I should write an article about that….)
It’s probably good that he’s with his parents for now. It’ll give him time and space to miss you, and let his physical body settle a little. Let him come home when he’s ready…you’re a wonderful girlfriend — like John said!
Laurie
Hi John,
Fourteen years is such a long time to be coping with your wife’s depression! I’m sorry about that, that’s so hard on a marriage. I remember working with a man whose wife struggle with multiple personality disorder, and it just torn him apart. He stayed with her, but boy was it rough.
Have you heard of Alanon? It’s a huge, helpful organization for people whose loved ones are alcoholic. I don’t know if there’s a similar organization in the UK for people coping with their loved ones’ depression, but Vicki is right that your doctor might be able to tell you about local groups.
I also recommend building your own interesting, fulfilling life when you’re coping with a stressful home life – or a partner’s depression. What do you love to do? Find buddies, meet with them weekly or bi-monthly, and pursue your favorite hobbies. Focus on healthy hobbies, like sports or book clubs or men’s breakfast meetings. I volunteer at our local library every Saturday afternoon; I love it because it combines my love of books and reading with getting out of the house and interacting with people. Plus, I’m helping a local nonprofit organization!
I hope this helps a little — and I want you to know you’re not alone. So many people are struggling with similar problems in their marriage, and only a small percentage actually share their stories and ask for help. I’m glad you gathered your courage and shared a bit of your life.
Take care, and come back anytime. Feel free to share what does and doesn’t help you — others might benefit from hearing that!
Laurie
hi, thanx vicki. hope your situation resolves itself and you both become a happy couple again, i admire your love and loyalty towards your partner. john
Hi John
Your doctor should be able to recommend a local councillor or therapy group, make sure they dont just fob you off with websites to visit or anything like that. My doctor didnt really give me any advice, just signed me off work for a week so I could get my head around what’s happened, so make sure you tell your doctor you need their help and dont take no for an answer.
Laurie, thank you again for your advice. My partner is staying with his parents for the foreseeable future to try and come to terms with himself, so I am now living on my own for a bit. It’s lonely more than anything, especially at night. I will be taking things a day at a time – we spoke today and he said he needs me more as a friend right now as opposed to me as his girlfriend. This is hurting me in a way, but I understand that in front of him I cannot feel sorry for myself, and am grateful that we can talk normally. I do hope he can come to terms with everything, and that we will become a couple again, but I know at the moment that there is nothing I can do except be there for him.
Vix
Hi,my first time on, so nervous, my wife has suffered from depression for 14+years now, we the partners are often fogotten because we are not the ones ill, out of desperation i found this site, and found comments really useful[ thanx everyone ]My wife is currently on a “downer” and as talked of suiside,the comments made that doctors to easily priscribe more drugs is spot on, this happened at the docs yesturdy, im not saying they dont work, the pills she was on did work tho with side effects, for 14yrs, but have now stopped working, hence the change.But what happens when these stop working?.My health is suffering now and feel helpless, and fogotten, we are also in need of help, im going to talk to gp to see if there is any help avaiable, does anyone know of any here in the uk?. im not really a person who easily goes to the docs, but feeling quite desperate. john
I’m sorry about your partner’s nervous breakdown, Vicki — and I’m so glad you confided in your parents! It’s great that they’re so supportive; you’re a lucky woman.
What a drag about the wrong medication….yikes. That’s terrible. But, at least he’s off the wrong meds; the right ones will kick in soon.
Maybe it would be wise to think about living apart from your boyfriend for awhile. If you do talk to a counselor, that’s definitely one of the first things to discuss. Maybe he needs space and time to cope with his depression and pull his life back together. Sometimes it’s healthiest to do this alone; other times, it’s healthiest to stay with your partner. I don’t know which is best in your case…but I encourage you not to fight it if he does want space.
It’ll be rough for the next little while, I suspect…but it WILL get easier! Once he starts thinking clearly again, you two will be able to communicate better and more honestly (like you said, the medication may have muddled his thinking).
And, it’s totally normal to feel sorry for yourself. You’ve lost something significant: your relationship the way it was! That’s sad, and it’s okay to feel bad about it. Your life is totally in flux, and that’s a hard way to live.
I wish you all the best, and invite you to come back whenever you need to.
Laurie
My partner has had a nervous breakdown. Now, my uncle had one back in the 1990s, and my dad had to look after him at the time, so my dad has been helping me to understand all of this, and has also spoken to my partner himself to help in any way he can.
I’m feeling calmer at the moment – my parents helped me greatly when I told them yesterday about the happenings of the past week. Advice will still be greatly appriciated, and I’d like to thank you guys for just having a message board about depression. Vix x
Thank you for the advice Laurie, I’ve got the doctors myself today as I am not coping with this very well. I think part of it is the shock and the other part is the thought that my partner is doubting our relationship, saying we’re growing apart and not suited to each other, that we should move out and live apart for a while. He said yesterday that he feels like I’m only upset because I cant stand the thought of being alone (as in without a boyfriend). I guess part of my concious is scared of being alone again, however I love my partner so much and cannot see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone else. I’m just stuck in a cycle of wishing I had noticed this sooner and been able to do something about it to thinking (and breaking down) about the silly thought of never being in his arms again, never being as close as I feel we were. I also feel sorry for myself, which is selfish but I cannot not think this either.
My partners parents took him to hospital last night and told me that the doctor there said he was given the wrong medication, so a small part of me is hoping that a change in medication will clear his head. I understand that he could be using our relationship as a scapegoat to blame as part of his depression, and understand that he could be saying things he would never say before due to the medication. When he started counselling a few weeks ago I said to him that the counsellors job is to get the shit from his mind, to get him to understand why he feels the way he does. He admitted that there are things he told the councellor last week that he cannot tell me, and feels guilty in a way that he should be able to tell me. I said to him at the time, again, there are things that the councellor can get out of you that you would not be able to tell any other person, no matter who they are.
Writing this down is calming me down slightly, just getting this off my chest is a relief of sorts. I’m sorry if I’m ranting on and on, but to get advice from anyone who has or is going through what I’m going through is a small comfort. V x
Vicki,
I haven’t coped with a partner’s depression and I hope someone else responds to you here, but I just wanted to encourage you!
Counseling for yourself is a good idea, to help you sort through your feelings of helplessness, frustration, and pain. And, a counselor can help you figure out where your responsibility begins and ends. You can support your partner and be there for him, but there’s only so much you can do (and it might not feel like enough). Letting go of what you can’t control is so important when your partner is struggling with depression and medication changes.
I also encourage you to be honest with your family. He’s still a great person; he’s just struggling with his health right now. Depression is a physical illness as much as a psychological one, and it doesn’t make him less of a man. It’s just a disorder he’s coping with — and we shouldn’t let stigma or shame surround it.
He’s doing the best he can, and he WILL get his medication levels sorted out. It just takes time.
Good luck — and if anyone else has a partner struggling with depression, I encourage you to share your experience and advice with Vicki!
Laurie
My partner was diagnosed with depression about 2 months ago. He admitted to me he has always felt like this, but because of the way he was brought up he was taught that men should not show emotion. We have been like any normal couple, having a few arguments over silly things then making up and feeling silly afterwards. Now my partners doctor tripled his dosage of Fluoxetine about 2 weeks ago. I have noticed my partner has been quieter than normal, in terms of not as boisterous with friends, not as jokey, however I have assumed that it is because of the medication.
Last night he turned round to me and said he didn’t think the relationship is working, that he feels we may be better off as friends, that we seem to have grown apart. We’ve been together for 4 years and lived together for 2. He then went on to state that we argue a lot (no different from the amount normal couples argue) and that maybe we should take a break and see how our feelings change.
Now this came so out of the blue I was in severe shock, especially when he called his parents to pick him up. He is going to stay with family for the next few days to try and clear his head, and I agreed with him to talk to his family and see if they can make any sense out of it all. I’m now left feeling deserted and unable to understand this sudden change in character. I have the feeling it could be the medication talking and not my partners real feelings, but it was a change in him so sudden I did not know how to react. Literally the night before we were all over each other, cuddling, talking, being a normal couple. I spent the night crying and also have spent most of this morning crying and going over and over in my head what I can do to help him. I have an appointment with my doctors next week about a different matter, but was wondering how I would benefit from going to a councillor myself to try and cope with this. The thought of telling my family about my partner is even more upsetting as they think he is great, and I dont want to change their view point about him. I’m 27 whereas my partner is 25. His parents are being very supportive of him and offering their support to me, which I appriciate immensley. I guess I just want some advice from people who have been through what I am going through now. Thank You
Thank you everyone for the great advice.
)
I am trying to take my health into my hands– since being down I’ve lost appetite and am already very petite, so I’m making myself eat (healthy food) and am trying to exercise.
My big concern right now is my sleeplessness. I haven’t slept a wink in two nights, and before that, I slept maybe 4-5 hrs the night before.
I tried taking Tylenol PM the first night and another sleep aid last night to no avail. I guess I talked to a pharmacist today and she said the depression meds can’t be acting this fast. Maybe it’s my anxiety about TAKING the meds causing the sleeplessness? I don’t know, but I really need my sleep (I have a job and am taking two summer classes).
I wish my doctor had a referral from someone else saying what med would work for me. This doctor doesn’t know me very well- and I thought she was very cold in how she handled my situation. She took maybe ten minutes to decide what pills would work. I’m switching to another female doctor…
Has anyone heard anything about Ortho Cyclen’s affects on a person with depression? At the beginning of summer I was on Ortho Tri Cyclen (which I had been on for a year) but was recommended to switch to Ortho Cyclen by my gynecologist. I’m questioning the effects of estrogen on my body and if I should get off the pill? I would use a backup method as I already do (though I never have sex anymore
Any ideas on any of this? Sorry if I didn’t answer everyone’s questions, and thank you, Laurie for the college article, I plan to print it out and read it through.
Thanks, everyone