How to Cope With Depression in a Love Relationship
Living with a depressed spouse can strain your marriage or relationship beyond endurance…but it could also strengthen your connection.
These tips for coping with a boyfriend, girlfriend, or marriage partner’s depression are from Dr Melvyn Lurie, author of Depression: Your Questions Answered.
Before his tips, a quip:
“In these 20 years of work among the people [in Calcutta], I have come to more and more realize it is being unwanted that is the worst disease any human being can ever experience.” – Mother Teresa.
Feeling unwanted and isolated is a huge factor in depression — and so are feelings of loneliness and fatigue. One of the best books on overcoming depression is The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness.
The more you know and understand about depression, the better you can see what to do and how to help a depressed partner.
And here’s what Dr Lurie says about coping with your spouse’s depression…
How to Cope With Depression in a Love Relationship
Expect a depressed partner to lose interest in physical intimacy
Losing interest in your love life is common in people with depression. “Whether from the inability to feel pleasure (anhedonia), inability to feel love, social withdrawal, or something more direct, interest in intimacy is frequently diminished in depression,” writes Dr Lurie. Further, losing interest in your love life can trigger other communication problems in relationships.
Has your partner lost interest in love or intimacy? Find other ways to express your physical intimacy, such as a massage or bubble baths together. And, remember that communication and intimacy problems can be triggered by depression.
If you’re wondering if your relationship is in trouble, you might find 7 Signs of Unhealthy Relationships helpful.
Don’t be surprised if your depressed partner tries to make you feel bad
This happens more often than you’d think! When someone feels incompetent, worthless, and unenergetic – which people with depression often do – they may project their feelings onto their partners. That is, a depressed partner may consider his or her partner as incompetent, worthless, or unenergetic.
“This kind of defense doesn’t work very well because it drives people away,” says Dr Lurie.
To cope with your partner’s depression, be aware of how negative feelings are projected. It can help simply to know why people dealing with depression make others feel bad, and learn to shrug off those behaviors. Learning how to cope with your partner’s depression in a relation can involve developing a thicker skin.
If you’re ready to work on your marriage, read 10 Ways to Improve an Unhealthy Relationship.
Be aware of how depression can lead to relationship breakups
People dealing with depression may feel isolated, misunderstood, attacked, and unloved. They may withdraw socially, want to be alone most of the time, and lose touch with the ability to feel love. This causes communication problems in relationships. Plus, people with depression may become critical and argumentative. These factors make it difficult for a relationship to survive.
And, knowing how depression and relationships can co-exist can help smooth things over. Deciding in advance how to handle the negative parts of the relationship will prepare you for most anything. Also, contacting a Distress Line, depression support group, or counselor is a great idea, especially if you feel like you’re not dealing with depression and your love relationship very well.
Help for Love and Relationships
- Save My Marriage Today – Powerful Advice That Works
- Captivate Him – Be the Woman He Never Wants to Leave
- He Doesn’t Love You Back? 12 Secrets to Melting His Heart
Breakup Help
- When the Breakup Wasn’t Your Choice – How to Get Your Ex Back
- The Magic of Making Up – Even When It Seems Hopeless
- 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love
And, knowing how to overcome depression can help you understand your depressed partner, which can help you cope.
For Single People Struggling With Depression
Learn how depression affects your dating life
“Low self-esteem from depression can stop you from pursuing, let alone achieving, your goal of curing your loneliness,” writes in Dr Melvyn Lurie in Depression: Your Questions Answered. “This is a vicious cycle – your low self-esteem prevents you from curing your loneliness, and your loneliness worsens your depression and further erodes your self-esteem.”
Do things that increase your self-esteem, such as taking small risks and crossing things off your to-do list. If you’re dealing with depression, do little things every day to help you feel better about yourself.
If you have any questions or thoughts on coping with depression in a relationship, I welcome your comments below…
Category: Emotional Health Tips, Psychology Tips, Solving Relationship Problems
Hi Laurie, when i got into the relationship with my boyfriend, i knew he had depression, we have talked about pretty much everything, and keeping our relationship open and honest with communication, knowing that we are in a long distance relationship might help, basically i just happened to be in a country close by him and suggested we meet up in a Neutral place, and he suggested i come over to his parents place for the holidays, so almost 3 weeks, we were both happily anticipating meeting each other after talking for 4 months, anyways, the problems started about a week into the visit, he stopped holding my hands and sitting next to me etc.. then he started to take himself away from spending time with me, he would say he needed to catch up on some work, he was never dis respectful but he seemed upset with me, which i later found out was not me at all, he told me that when i arrived it brought up all his issues of anger,guilt, revenge, resentment and confusion, which he feels he needs time to work on, i don’t know HOW to be part of his healing?? i feel helpless and i don’t want to pressure him. He is obviously not ready to make a commitment to me, but i still want to be part of his life! and i am seriously devastated that such an amazing person,who has been through so much is hurting and i cant help him. I would appreciate your advice on what role i should play in his healing or any advice you could offer.
regards, Sammy.
Hi Laurie, my name is Sam and my fiancee, or I guess I should say ex-fiancee broke up just before Christmas, she has not been herself, I have tried to be patient and I have tried to be there for her when ever I could, she has been so withdrawn, so isolated, she feels like she is misunderstood, attacked, unloved, which is the furtherest thing from the truth, her family and I really care and love her. I guess what I am trying to ask you Laurie is what should I do next, her mother doesnt want me to give up on her daughter, but she gave me the ring back and I am just wondering if she doesnt love me anymore and she doesnt see a future for us. sincerely, Sam
hi my ex girlfriend is dateing a guy who takes anti- depressents she wants to leave him cus he clingy and wants to be around her 24/7 not giveing her alone time and she is really unhappy with him she wants to get back with me but is scared if she leave he will hurt him self what should she do to leave him with out him hurting him self or any1?
Hi Laurie,
I have a girlfriend whom we have gone out for 3 years .things were going pretty well for most of that time and the normal ups and downs in a relationship..we drifted apart at some point and we were working on that when tragedy struck. she lost her sister and i tried to be there for her at that time…its been two months and things have really changed . I no longer see her, when we talk on the phone she is soo distant untill i just opted to stop calling her. our relationship is not doing well and she annoyed me by telling me i was cheating on her…and i just came out and told her that i was tired of an absentee girlfriend
i do not know what to do because i really love her and she says she is still adapting to the loss of her sister so she cant give me attention. I am faced with all sorts of temptation daily we are not intimate at all and its basically killing me..I don’t know if I am being so unfair not to give her space but its killing me slowly and i am loosing faith that it will get better at some point.she told me i was inconsiderate to expect a lot from her this soon but i honestly don’t know what to do..help..advise on the way forward ..because i dont want to let go of this relationship..it means everything to me
Hi there.
I wrote on this site about 2 years ago when my fiance Rich had a nervous breakdown due to his depression. Thought I’d update you as a lot has happened since.
When he had his initial breakdown, it was about a month after he admitted to himself that he had depression. He moved out of our flat and back to his parents for several weeks as he felt he could not put me through everything he was going through. He eventually moved back in and tried several different meds. Unfortunately due to other issues we had to move out of our flat and back to our respective parents about a year after this.
Since then, he has had about 5 episodes of severe depression – each one has seen him change his meds, suffer black moods, sadness, anger and numbness. The last one was in August this year. I have tried time and time again to help him through his issues, but he will not talk about them to me, and cannot explain to me what some of the issues are behind part of his depression. At one stage he was telling me that everything was so bad for him that he considered suicide to end it all. At another stage he told me he wanted to break up with me, so not to put me through all of this. Then almost immediately after he said that I was the only person in his world who was there for him.
After the last dark episode in August, there has been nothing more I can do for him. I have asked him to talk to me, and he won’t. I haven’t pestered him, but let him know I am here whenever he wants to talk.
Sadly, last week, he has ended our 6 1/2 year relationship, advising me that he cannot get over his issues with me around. He feels we have grown apart and that we are not the people we were 6 years ago.
As upsetting as it has been for me, I have accepted his decision, and have admitted to myself that there is nothing more I can do to help him. I still love him and care about him immensley, but it has got to a point now where I am bringing myself down in mood to try and level with him, which isn’t healthy for myself or him.
So the moral of this is really just to say that you can only help people so much – they have to be able to admit to their issues and learn to help themselves.
However, Laurie, I must thank you so much as I was writing on here a lot when he went through his breakdown, and your words of experience helped me so much through a very difficult time. Very grateful for finding this site and for all the advice and help I have gained from it.
x x
Dear Danny,
I’m sorry to hear about your girlfriend’s depression, and how it’s affecting your relationship with her. It’s so difficult and heartbreaking, especially since it’s out of her control. Depression often has hormonal and/or chemical causes, and the remedy isn’t often simple or easy.
I don’t have any concrete answers, but I wrote this article for you:
When You Tried Everything, But Your Relationship Failed Anyway
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hello, after reading on here for hours I hope you can help me see some light, my girlfriend is depressed and even though we have been dating 6 months I’ve developed very strong feelings for her and truly feel she is the one she has made me feel something I’ve never felt before and it truly scares me she is depressed, granted this depression was around before I ever knew her I’m glad she knows she is depressed and she is seeking help now going to therapy.the other day she springs on me that she can no longer be my girlfriend and she wants to be just friends because she has lost her emotions towards me. she says how can I love you when I don’t love myself. she was extremely upset when she broke up with me and I feel that it just was not her breaking up with me but the depression that has over taken her. she has a friend who has over come depression and has been talking to her because she is the only one who can understand what she is going through. for the past 3 weeks I knew something was up from her being distant from me loss of sex drive and wanting to be alone. she has told me about her depression and was very open to me throughout everything she did warn me about everything but I’m just so beside myself because I’ve tryed so hard to make her happy and I don’t want it to end I felt she was my sole mate and in the beginning she felt the same and I know its the depression that caused all of this but my question to you is will she ever regain he feelings for me? I want her to get better and I care about her alot and in turn she cares about me alot which is why she broke up with me at the time that she did, but it just shattered my heart that she has lost feelings for me when I continued gaining feelings for her. and I know its all about time and I wish her the best but what do I do? I know I have to support her and I know no contact will most probably happen since the break up I haven’t texted her but she has texted me everyday and it kind if gives me mixed signals you know? we are both in college and actually have the same math class together so its not like we are never going to see each other just what can I do? will there be any hope for us in the future I mean I love this girl and she is my everything I can ever ask for. it just scares me to know she doesn’t feel emotions for me and there might not be an us in the future. when people usually over come depression do their feelings come back do they feel what the once did but lost because of the depression? thank you for your time it is greatly appreciated, Danny
Dear Digi,
Thanks for asking your question here, it’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry your boyfriend is so scattered right now – it must be very frustrating and lonely for you. It’s probably hard for him, too, as he’s struggling with his career and financial situation. Throw in the sex thing, and you’ve got a confusing, complicated situation!
I wrote this article for you:
What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts there or here.
Blessings,
Laurie
My 1st love & I came back after 12yrs. We are now in our 30s. We ran into each other.8 months ago and were excited to be again. He had made so much money and all and the only thing he kept on saying was that he needs someone to talk to and to arrange his life. Though we’ve made love twice (which I initiated, it looks as if sex is not all he needs from me. For the first 4months of our reunion he was busy on a project, he promised he’ll give me more attention after wards and that he’d informed his family of me and that he take me to be introduced(for marriage). Unfortunately, the project upon which he spent all his money failed, he banked on another to start again with, that equally failed. Its been 5mths after the misfortune and my once beautiful relationship is now a shadow of itself. He doesnot give me attention anymore and doesnot let me pay him visits, although he pays me surprise visits @ intervals. He said he wants to be let alone, as he is working tirelessly to get back on his feet. I am always lonely, I complain to him and he says he understands that I need to give him sometime and we both to weather the storm together. This has taken 5months, I’m lonely and confused if he’s not interested in me anymore,but I love if so dearly and I believe he does as he always talks passionately about the fact that he disvirgined me and that he’d bin searching for me all along. What do I do?
Thanks
Dear Karen,
I’m sorry to hear how much your boyfriend has been through, and how depressed he is. That’s so difficult to cope with, for both you and him.
Sometimes our childhood or life events trigger depression and anxiety, and sometimes it’s just part of our genetics or physiological makeup. Some people can have horrific childhoods, yet never experience an hour of depression (pain and sadness, yes…but not severe depression).
Other people have fantastic lives, yet are so depressed they can barely get out of bed!
So, while your boyfriend’s experiences definitely affect him, they may not be the cause of his depression, anxiety, and panic. There may be something chemical going on in his brain, such as unbalanced hormones for example, that are contributing to his depression and negative feelings.
I wrote this article for you:
How to Help Your Boyfriend With Anxiety and Panic Attacks
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts there or here.
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Laurie,
I accidentally saw this forum of yours and wanted to post you my issues with my depressed boyfriend. My boyfriend Steve, has been suffering from servere depression since young. When he was a child, his mother remarried 4 times and moved them from places to places. She even sent him far far away in a high school for months. When he returned for vacation, his mother remarried and moved to a strange place where he has no place to stay. From all this childhood trauma, he became very depressed.
Last September, he quited his job due to high stress and is jobless for a year. He is still searching for a job, which lead him to another round of servere anxiety and depression. He has too much time in a day and is always having panic attack and fear that he might not be able to find a job again. He feels helpless and keep self-blaming. He told me inside him there is a person keep telling him that he is useless, not worth, will not find a job, etc.
I have tried to be with him and hope to make him positive again, but no use. I told him, i cannot help him if he refuses to help himself. I tried finding courses to him to attend so that he can re focus his mind while waiting for a suitable job to surface. But he just refuse to take the action of enroling the course.
He self blamed, self pity every day. I duno what to do. I keep encouraging him but it seem that i slowly become exhausted. I am feeling that he is moving from depression to phychosis. But due to no income, he refuses to go for phycosis check up as it is very costly.
Laurie, what should I do?
Karen
Dear Jodie,
I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend’s depression, and how it’s affected your relationship. Depression is so hard on love! No matter how much two people love each other, depression can wreak havoc that’s difficult to overcome.
I wrote this article for you:
Can Your Love Relationship Survive a Serious Illness? Perhaps…
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi, I’ve been in a relationship for 5 and a half years now, and until Xmas 2007 things were great, my boyfriend was very affectionate, complimentary, romantic, just everything a woman could wish for. Xmas 2007 he lost his mum, which was truly sad, but although he was saddened by this loss he seemed to cope, it wasn’t truly until the end of 2010 he seemed to changed quite significantly, he became snappy and there was no intimacy in our relationship. Xmas/New Year he totally snapped and said he was fed up with things and didn’t know what he wanted. I told him until he sorted himself out and saw a Doctor not to come back, this totally broke me as I love him deeply and totally know I want the rest of my life to be with him and I know he did me until this change in him, which we now know to be Depression, he goes to cognitive therapy once a week but 7 months on feels no change, he will not take medication under any circumstances either. I use to see him 3 – 4 nights a week now i’m lucky if it’s once a week or even fortnight. Amongst lossing his mum he has a lot of financial issues and work stress due to recent self employment put upon him.
He shows no love towards me anymore, although i continue to let him know how i feel and support him from the distance that I can.
Can I handle this situation any better and will he be the person he was with me again one day? I jsut so ahte the day i told him to go to the Doctors, as i think if he had not been told it was depression maybe he would of just got through it.Thanks if you could advise me in anyway
Jodie
Dear Kate,
I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend’s depression, and how it is affecting your relationship with him – and your relationship with your parents!
No, I do not think going to a strip club is part of wanting space and coping with depression. Depression is an emotional and mental health issue. Going to a club is part of his moral character – who he is as a man. I would date someone with depression, but I would not date a guy who goes to strip clubs.
I also think moving in together after nine months is too soon! I hate to say it, but I suspect I’d agree with your parents about not seeing your boyfriend for awhile. I think he has some issues to work out, and that he can’t be a full partner – the man you need and deserve – while he’s in the throes of his depression.
I wrote this article for you:
5 Signs It’s Time to Take a Break From Your Relationship
I hope it helps. I also encourage you to create a wonderful life for yourself, so you don’t have to rely on your boyfriend or parents to support you financially! Get a job that allows you to have your own apartment. Get friends, so your best friend isn’t a guy you met nine months ago. Get emotionally healthy, so you can recognize when someone isn’t ready for love yet.
You’re on the right track, especially if you’re seeing a shrink! That’s great. It’s hard work, I know, but it’ll make you stronger, healthier, and better.
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie its Kate again,
situation has changed dramatically since the post i made on saturday.
i found out on saturday night that he went to a few strip clubs this was the night he said he didnt feel like hanging out. it really upsets me that he did this but after i had thought about it a few times i realised that it was apart of his depression maybe and just wanting to have some space. could this be true? however it gets worse cos that night i hooked up with one of my friends i was confiding in about the problems with my boyfriend and i feel so guilty for it and know it was a mistake. except last night my boyfriend invited me over for dinner and then i found a msg in his phone (he was asking me to show him how to save a number)and i saw one to this lady saying “dont mean to be forward but do u know any single intelligent good looking females? i dont mean to sound desperate but a good one is hard to find” she replied “not off hand but i will put out some feelers” this really really upset me because i don’t know whether that type of behaviour is cos he was obviously pissed off at me that evening (whether or not that was a contributing factor)is it something u might see in someone with depression? i know that i have done the wrong thing by cheating on him but i myself know my feelings and that it meant nothingg. i confronted him about the msg but he said that it was a joke against one of the young girls who worked there and was sarcastic? he told me not to worry about it and he knows how it reads. so maybe he did regret it? im really not sure what to do now? what do u suggest? maybe a break for a few weeks?
sorry to add another post his behavior just really confuses me atm and i dont know what to deem as part of his condition or he is simply so unhappy. help!
Hi Laurie,
i have been seeing myboyfriend for about 9 months now. he has been diagnosed with depression and is taking medication to treat it. every few weeks he becomes distant and basically shows all the behaviour discussed in this thread. we moved in together and it lasted 3 weeks of which he then told me that he couldnt support me financially and that he wasnt ready to move in but the way the situation is that i have no where to go but live with my parents again who hate him and tell me i cant see him. i was heartbroken when he told me i had to move out and i just want to go back cos things at home are terrible let alone i miss him… but he gives me no indication of when i can return. every few weeks he becomes really distant and the past 3 nights in a row he has fed me the line “just want to have a quiet one tonight” and keeps putting it off. which makes it so hard cos he is like my best friend so when i am upset he isnt there to support me sometimes cos he is so selfish when he gets in his moods.
I dont know what to do? i am seeing a shrink but it is much better when it comes from someone who has expeirenced what i am going through. there is so much good in the relationship but when it gets bad it is really so bad and it upsets me so much.
Im not sure what to do?
Dear Harriet,
Yes, I think you should see a professional counselor about the best way to cope with your husband’s negativity and depression. A professional doesn’t have to be someone public that damages your husband’s reputation. It sounds like your husband is trying to manipulate you.
It also sounds like he’s emotionally abusive (you have no support, you’re isolated, everything thinks a certain way about you, and that everything you do is wrong).
I just wrote an article about the abuse dynamic:
The Abuse Dynamic – Why Women Who Are Abused Can’t Walk Away
I really think you should read this article, because it sounds like your husband’s issues go beyond “just” depression.
The most important thing is to start connecting with women who are your friends. Don’t let him isolate you. Don’t let him destroy your positive attitude and your children’s perception of you!
Even if you don’t have family support, you don’t need to keep struggling with your husband’s negativity and depression alone. You CAN find friends who will love and support you, perhaps even in a healthier and better way than your family could.
What do you think? Please comment here, or on my article about abuse.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi,
I have been reading the above blogs and recognise all of it, but I have got an additional problem: my husband, who is badly depressed every few years or so, is a GP and as such knows everything (well) about depression, but totally denies it whenever I mention the possibility. It’s me that is the problem and I need to see that, according to him. I won’t go into details, but I have been coping with this for over 20 years now. He won’t let me talk to any professional, because they all know who he is (he says) and that might cause him to lose his position (he says). It doesn’t help of course that he is under tremendous pressure at work and I have always tried to do as much as possible at home for him, but I also work in a job Ilove. According to him, I don’t earn enough money! He is very negative about everything and everybody and I have always coped with it, as I am a very positive person (and he resents that as well), but lately I have found it more and more difficult to cope with his negativity. Don’t get me wrong, I love him very much and he is usually lovely and charming and intelligent and most of the time he manages to control his negativity, but I get all of it at home. The worst thing is for me the lack of real affection towards our 4 children when he is like this: he almost completely ignores them at the moment. They are old enough to understand that he does love them really and they love him, but they don’t like his attitude towards me. I don’t know what to do, as I can’t really financially support myself, have no family support as I live in a different country and don’t want to leave him because of the children and because of all the good things in our life, but I am at my wit’s end and can’t keep my positive front up much longer. Is it normal for depressed people to want to isolate their partner, tell their partner that everybody thinks the same way about you as they do, that everything you do or don’t do is wrong? Should I go to a professional anyway, no matter what he says (I would destroy him professionally)to ask if he can be made to do something about it.Please give me some advice.
Harriet
Dear Lara,
I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend’s depression…it’s such a difficult thing to deal with, for both you and him!
One option is for you to give him some time and space. Tell him you’re available if he needs to talk, and let him approach you. If a predetermined amount of time passes (which you’ve set in advance, such as six weeks or three months — whatever you decide is reasonable according to your personality and lifestyle), and he’s still incommunicado, then it might be time to give him more “formal” space. Take a break from the relationship.
Another option is to call a counselor or depression help line, and see what they say. Talking it through with someone in person can be extremely helpful when you’re trying to figure out how to respond to a depressed boyfriend.
Also, learn as much as you can about depression and how it affects relationships. The more information you have, the more you’ll understand your boyfriend.
It’s really important not to stay in a relationship out of guilt or a misplaced sense of wanting to help someone who can’t be helped (except professionally, by a doctor or counselor). You probably care for or even love your boyfriend…but if he has serious emotional health issues, he needs to work through them before he’s ready for a healthy relationship.
I hope this helps…I’m sorry I don’t have any real answers for you! This is one of those delicate, difficult situations that love relationships bring.
Blessings,
Laurie
I dont know if anyone is still reading this thread but i really need to talk to someone who understands what i am faced with currently. My boyfriend of 9 months appears to be suffering from depression. He has not sought medical support but the symptoms seems common with everything i have read. He is listless, non communicative and is searching for “meaning in his life” while “wanting space”. I can understand the situation rationally but the more difficult thing is what to do. Do i give the space and allow days on end to go by with no contact or do i show my support of what he is going through by constantly checking in with him? I really do not want to abandon him during a time when he probably needs love and support but most of my actions are met with little or no reaction. if you have any advice, please let me know.
Thanks
Hi everyone, I have been dating a guy for a while now and he was recently away for work. Previous to being away he was incredibly loving, always full of kind words and wanted to spend time with me etc. After being away for a month he came back and though was excited was very strange. He was having anxiety attacks and he could not put a reason to them. He seemed really depressed and got more and more distant with me. Stopped telling me he loved me and didnt want to seem to want to spend time with me or speak to me. We were supposed to spend christmas together and then he decided he wanted to go spend time with his family…alone. He seemed to be ok spending some time with a couple of his friends if they would go to his house, and seemed to be more willing to see them then to see me. My issue is that I cannot figure out if all this that is going on is depression related, or relationship related. He told me his feelings have not changed and that he hopes when he comes back from spending time with his family that he will be back to “normal”. I have no idea what to do, the night before he left he told me he would visit with me, but then wanted me to go there because his two guy friends were coming over. I was hurt and told him maybe he needs to let me go and start fresh, so now I don’t even know the status of our relationship (to make things more complicated i suppose). We now havent talked for two days. I’m so mixed up…any enlightenment would be so helpful…even if it seems to be more relationship than depression, some piece of mind would be so helpful
Hi Michelle,
It’s great to hear from you again ~ I love when people come back!
I subscribed you with the email address you provided, and hope it works…you should have received a confirmation.
Cheers,
Laurie
Hi Laurie! I’m the Michelle that was commenting in July. I just referred someone to your blog and decided I’d like to subscribe again but when I click subscribe, I don’t get what I need to subscribe. Is there a problem? May I still subscribe? Thanks, Michelle
Ahh, I see, Susan — I apologize for misunderstanding you!
That’s great about your meditation classes and counseling, because those activities will keep you connected with yourself. And, they’ll keep you physically and emotionally healthy.
When you say that all the joy has gone out of your life, it makes me wonder if your happiness is tied to your partner? I think all of us — men and women — need to find happiness and joy in multiple sources. Work is one source…and so are hobbies, travel, recreation, family, creativity, movement, volunteering, exploring nature, cooking, reading, gardening….there are so many possibilities to experience happiness!
I think it’s important to create a life that offers fulfillment and happiness on many levels, so that if one light goes out, then we have others burning.
You’re not ready to let go of your partner, and I shouldn’t have pushed you in that direction or imply that the relationship is over! That was my mistake. But, you don’t have to be in a broken relationship to mourn the changes that your partner’s depression brought to your relationship — and to your hopes for your relationship. Your partner is different than you expected and hoped for, and I think you need to let go of that. Maybe you have — and maybe that’s part of the process of accepting him for who he is.
You didn’t do anything terrible! You gave up everything for him, but it wasn’t enough to save him from his depression — and it’s not enough to create a healthy relationship. Your partner needs to recover and heal…and giving him that space may be more difficult than loving him up, but it may be the best thing you could do for your relationship!
I wish you health and joy in your life, my friend. And, please feel welcome to come back anytime and let me know how you’re doing, and how he’s feeling….
Laurie
PS About the meditation — it really does take practice, like any exercise! The more you do it, the easier and more satisfying it’ll get…
Thanks Laurie for your response and your time,
We might have been at cross purposes a little as my original query about recovery was focussed on his recovery from depression – not mine from the broken relationship. I am trying to help his recovery by giving him the space to ‘recover’ he has requested but this is really hard for me as I miss him, his touch and the many good things we shared and it adds to my unhappiness. As I said I sent a photo a couple of weeks ago – just to let him know I was here and caring – I’ve bought a book which I’ll send along, perhaps next week, for the same reason. Hopefully not to pressure him but just to confirm that I’m thinking of him, he needed so much attention, praise and help that I’m concerned about him being totally alone as both his daughters are away at university – and very tied up in their own lives.
I started meditation classes 5 weeks ago and counselling last week so I am trying to do something positive to help myself but the way I cope (or have coped with major problems in the past) is by understanding and so far I have no answers. Except all the information on depression which I’ve subsequently read; all information that I bitterly regret not wanting to believe\accept when I looked it up the first time round. I just can’t understand how anyone (no matter how severe the problem) can treat another human being with such callous, clinical cruelty while simulataneously asserting their boundless caring, supportive qualities. Unless the gap between what he (in his heart) knows is good and kind and his own behaviour is just one of the things he is denying.
You are telling me to rebuild my own life and implying that the relationship is over. But I just don’t think I can accept that. I spend half my life hoping for a text, a call, a letter anything that will provide some hope even though I’m scared to think about how I would cope when he returns.
I am 60 years old and was just about to retire (as he wished so that we could spend more quality time together??)so I’ve stayed on at work; to give me some purpose and something to fill my days and, as my siblings live away, I need to be alert and on hand for my elderly mum. So even though all the joy has gone out of my life I really am trying to keep going. I’d like to understand what terrible thing I must have done to make him destroy myself, my life and my future so completely when I did everything in my power to love, help and support him. I put him, and his needs, before me as I have done with everyone all my life.
I do appreciate that I sound like a complete wet; I am floundering though I will persist with the counselling and will try and get a grip. So far I am absolutely hopeless at meditation with so many things whizzing round my head.
Susan
Dear Susan,
I’m so sorry to hear how things are unfolding between you and the love of your life…it sounds like you’ve been through so much with him.
I encourage you to focus on getting as emotionally and spiritually healthy as you can. And, I think that involves talking to a counselor or therapist. You need to get in-person support as you progress towards healing and wholeness…and that can be BOTH a slow process and a blinding flash! That is, you may experience spurts of growth and health, and then lose ground for whatever reason (including your monthly cycle and hormones).
Healing from a broken relationship takes time, and it’s different for everyone. But since you’re in so much despair and grief, I urge you to talk to a professional. You need an objective eye and clarity — and the guidance of someone who can help you heal.
Also, there’s no point in wondering how you’ll forgive him if he returns. Who knows if he’ll come back — and who knows if you’ll even want him if he DID come back?
Instead of focusing on him, I encourage you to get strong and healthy as a woman. A single, strong, healthy woman.
Call a counselor or women’s help line, and let me know how it goes!
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Andrew,
It sounds like your wife had an emotional affair — and is still involved with her “friend.”
I’ve written several articles about emotional affairs. Check these out, and let me know if they help:
How to Recognize an Affair of the Heart
Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair
Laurie
Dear Zenn,
If your girlfriend is violent, then you need to end the relationship immediately! There is absolutely no reason to stay in a relationship that is so abusive — and depression is NOT an excuse for that type of treatment.
I think you need to ask yourself why you’re staying in a relationship with someone who is so destructive, who treats you so badly. Ending unhealthy relationships isn’t about running away from problems or giving up — it’s about making wise choices and taking responsibility for your life!
Since you can’t change your girlfriend, you need to figure out what you can do to change your situation. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you think you need an outside professional opinion…and I hope you call a counselor or free support line for help.
The bottom line is, I think you’re in an unhealthy relationship. And, I think you’re staying in it for the wrong reasons…and I hope you find the in-person support you need to get out of it.
Keep in touch — I’d love to hear how things are going for you….
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Jane,
I think that the only thing worse than suffering from depression — and letting it affect your loved ones — is not getting help with it! Some emotional health issues do resolve themselves, but many need to be treated by a counselor, psychologist, life coach, etc.
Of course you don’t want to abandon your boyfriend…but you also don’t want to “enable” him or help him stay where he is. I don’t know what exactly you can do to help him and your relationship, but I think you should talk to someone in person. You need to run through your relationship and your boyfriend’s ways of handling life with someone who is objective and skilled in helping people coping with depression. And, who can help loved ones like you cope with partners who are depressed!
So, I encourage you to call a counselor, help line, or even a psychologist who specializes in depression to figure out you can help your boyfriend and improve your relationship.
I hope you come back and let me know how things go…
Blessings,
Laurie
Hello,
My story is of a very unhappy life; 33 years of living hell in an unhappy marriage due mainly to a number of other people’s needs being more important than mine eg my younger son – a lung disease victim. After my separation it took me 5 years to recover then 2 years ago I met a wonderful man and we quickly feel head-over-heels in love and I had so many new and happy experiences – it seemed as if someone was smiling on me at last. This man is the love of my life. A few things concerned me: he had no friends, he was very critical of other people, he used words like belittle, status and was ‘touchy’. After about 3 months he told me that he had a depression problem (I think it had been ongoing for 12\18 months at that point) but things were looking up with our relationship though it never seemed to totally improve during our 1st year. He was also on benefits on account of this problem. At the time I admit I was fairly shocked, tried hard to be supportive but found it a bit difficult as I had (somehow) come through a truly awful life. However he had a traumatic divorce when his wife left him with young children to bring up when she left for a rich man destroying their business which left him mid 50s with no job and two very young children. She never provide a word or a single penny of support or help despite an affluent lifestyle.This was followed by an unhappy relationship with an abusive ‘power woman’.
During that first year there were a couple of incidents when he withdrew rather than admit he was wrong and that caused me huge distress as I’m a kindly sort who alway puts other people before myself. He also needed a great deal of help and support so much so that I felt almost squeezed dry especially as I had gone into the relationship feeling as if I just needed someone or me – but I was doing so much giving and little receiving. However we were inseparable and totally in love and had some many good times. Though I was reluctant to divorce and marry him, despite his requests, mainly due to a nagging concern about his behaviour.
In our second year together I suffered an endless stream of blows; my mother & sister both struck with cancer, my sick son had 4 major crises, an uncle and a close friend died a dear friend had a traumatic pregancy and eventual Down’s child and I needed help and support but little was forthcoming. His interest felt mechancal,as if he was reading questions from ‘The Kind Persons’ Guide’ and when he got to no. 6 it was time to forget it totally and go to sleep. He went from being ‘touchy’ to selfish & quite unkind. There was a major incident when I got back from a clinic where my mother’s cancer had been diagnosed and really needed some kindness and support. He’d had a problem with one of his daughters that I asked him to keep while the next day so I could cope but he continued pressing his story until, in despair, I shouted out that I couldn’t take a ‘selfish family’ story that day. Result he withdrew totally for 5 days when I was in despair. All this time he was strongly asserting that he was a kind, caring, supportive person when his actual behaviour was the opposite. He could never, ever say sorry or accept any fault for anything.
It seemed as if my needs were some sort of pressure that, caused him to start pulling back from me and this, in turn, caused me much unhappiness and tension. About this time too his financial situation was becoming desperate as he had almost exhausted his savings. This continued for 5 months me becoming more anxious and him more difficult, the last few weeks much more so with ‘odd behaviour’ I didn’t recognise the depression storm clouds though he was becoming more sel-absorbed and clincially cruel. Then a huge row when all my fears and concerns erupted. I know I went over the top and I now know that this pushed his condition over the top too – this grieves me and I feel so guilty. I rang him after a week and we spoke and met up a few times – but he was distant and unwilling to discuss anything but mundane things – any suggestion of ‘us’ or my feelings brought a complete blank or the phone going down.
I was distraught, unhappy, griefstricken, angry – everything and he was clinically detached “we had argued, he had been offended and had withdrawn, totally normally, understandable and entirely justified, any mention of my feelings brought stares of disbelief.
After a month of this I visited him and brought up the subject of ‘us’. He (the love of my life) looked at me as if I was a thick, tiresome piece of trash and said slowly that “it might have ‘seemed’ like we were in love but sometimes partners like me assumed their partner returned their feelings when they did not. That it was a bit strange the he had been head-over-heels in love with his former abusive girlfried, but that he felt nothing for me even though I was the kindest, most considerate, most caring, generous and thoughtful person he had ever met. If there was any chance that he might find some feelings for me I had to leave him completely alone for him to ‘recover’. I was in total despair and spoke of my unhappiness and the wonderful things we had shared”. He is response was that my feelings were not under consideration – what he wanted had to happen but there was only the very slightest chance he would find something feeling for me and that my thoughts were completely irrelevant.
Since then I have been near-suicidal with grief and loss, also been angry and disbelieving about his callous cruelty,everyday has been a nightmare and I have had so little happiness in my life. I have been in touch just one in the last couple of months – I sent him a photo of himself; just to let him know that I was here and caring. I got a thanks email but no reply to my response. I am so hurt and wounded and since then have read all the internet info I could find so now appreciate the depression aspects and not to take things personally but too late.
I really don’t know what to do, to try and help him or me. Do people really recover from this, I don’t think he has consulted his doctor recently though he was on medication earlier in the year and having counselling later (I’m pretty certain he was telling her lies or recounting things out of context so that he never appeared to be anything but perfect). If so after how long and what happens, is it a slow process or a ‘blinding flash?. I fear that will be a problem becaused if I realised I’d done a quarter of the things he has I would be inconsolable. How do I cope with myself, my grief and if he returns from where ever his is how do I forgive? I don’t have the knowledge of the real person to give me some faith and courage.
Help
Susan
Hi Laurie
Thanks for the advice it agreed with a lot of things I had thought to do. I have been reading a lot about depression and we seem to be getting furhter along. Only minor setback so far is that he mistrusts the medication the doctor has given him, and hasn’t taken it so far but we spent the weekend together, (he called me and wanted to come over, so a small step forward) he says he will take the medication as he realises it will help and he really wants to not be so afraid and uncertain all the time. Time will tell. I worry that his parents aren’t making sure he takes it, as they don’t really like medication for anything. It must be hard for them as he is 27 and is not able at the moment to still be independant like he was. But I’m taking it one day at a time, I beleive that one way or another there is light at the end of the tunnel, Just how long the tunnel is may be another matter.
One of the hardest things, is not blaming myself for things, as if his non-communication is somehow my fault, It is difficult to accept that he is not always doing things through choice, his brain just isn’t working properly. Positivity all the way, even if it is, yay, I got a txt msg after 3 days, it’s better than none at all. It’s hard but talking and writing definately helps.
Thanks Laurie
My boyfriend has started counselling and has also started antidepressents. I am also going to start counselling myself. I will let you know the outcome.
Angie
My wife is depressed and is seeking help. She had an affair with someone but it didnt get to a sexual level. she is still in contact with him and tells me there is nothing going on and im in the wrong for feeling like there is. How do I deal with this?
Hi I’m zennin and I try soooooo hard to deal with my gfs depression as I have been reading posts here for a while now in hopes of doing some diy depression repair ? But lisa is aware of her sickness and knows she needs help but refuses to do anything? I am a really easy going guy that not much in life actually (sets me off) stresses me out exept when I can sense the thoughts of my gf are very eratic (scattered) so when I ask I get agressivness in return? The most part of which frustrates me is she get majorly agressive before the point? I guess it stems from my old interest in reading body language. Also sometimes I feel when I anylise her she feels as if I’m attacking her so she does her best to lie and cover her feeling telling me I’m wrong or I’m a f?ckwit ?
Its really damaging anyway I don’t want to break up with the girl but
Sometimes it gets really bad and she resorts to physical violence ( as in punches to my face) and I feel as though she only clings to me in fear of this lonliness or as I always try and do damage control when it affects her in public.
As of late I have begun to just lock her out of my feeling and leave her alone somewhere other than home to give a taste of lonliness. Her parents have just ignored her when ever she has a episode so she’s learned that these episodes are scary for everyone around her so I feel that she using it as a sort of emotional armour?
I’m really scared that the two years I’ve spent with this girl is in vein and has had no purpose other than my damage control work? I have insecurities aswell as does any person for being homeless in their child hood but the way I repair is don’t leave it alone until every possible outcome has been covered and revised lol I try to see all angles in every situation there for I have planned for the worst and hope it doesn’t happen
I’m just tired and worn from as a woman put it earlier in these posts her emotional rollercoaster it feels like I got on this ride two years ago and am still her like the guy forgot to turn it off? I need some outside proffesional opinion on this she says it will never go away as its a disability not a sickness, I believe otherwise I’ve tried to prepare her mentally for her battle with this and I’ve also told her that only she can battle this others can only offer advice and strategies
I have never run from anything in my life and I’m not about to begin I love this woman and I hope to change my approach to this hellish sickness
P.S – I have nicknamed her angry side “the tuffie” in hopes to help her recognise when and why these thoughts came to be ?
Oh yeah she was medicated at the age of sixteen and her meds have never changed since? Is this normal??
A caucasian in need
Zennin
I think my boyfriend suffers from depression and its starting to take its toll on me. He suffers from mood swings quite alot at the moment. Things aren’t going too well at work for him, he doesn’t have much money, he has very low self worth, and always thinks that I’m too good for him. He can be very negative towards me and quite self involved even when things are important to me. I take it all quite personally. I do know he loves me and cares about me, but sometimes only wants me around when he feels like it. I’m not sure how to go forward with this as he doesn’t want to speak to any professional about it. He’s been through alot in his past but sometimes I feel like he uses it as an excuse (as horrible as this sounds). He has admitted to me before that he pushes me to see how much he can get away with. Im not really sure what to do as I dont want to just abandon him, but its affecting me and our relationship.
Dear Angie,
I’m so sorry to hear about your boyfriend’s depression, and how it’s affecting your relationship. It sounds like it’s been a long road of ups and downs, highs and lows, love and separation.
If you stay with him, living in the house together, then you need to accept that this will be the “normal” cycle of your relationship. Can you live with his episodes pulling away and then coming back? Can you live with how he treats you, both good and bad?
To make the decision of whether you should stay or leave, you really need to think long-term. That is, do you want to be where you are in six years from now, ten years, 20 years? It sounds like now’s the time to make that decision, and then make the best of what you decide.
I don’t know if he’s getting counseling or taking antidepressants now for his depression — but sometimes it takes ongoing therapy to cope (whether that’s medications, regular counseling sessions, a support group, etc).
It might be really helpful for you to talk to a counselor yourself, just to gain clarity and insight. Sometimes we need to talk to an objective third party to help us figure out what we’re doing with our lives and relationships. Also, if you decide to stay, a counselor can give you techniques for responding to your boyfriend when he blames you for everything.
Letting go of or re-adusting the hopes and dreams you have of a happy life with your boyfriend is a sad thing to do….but you can’t hold on to how you wish your relationship could be. As hard as it is, you need to accept that this is the way he is and the way your relationship (or marriage, one day!) will be. The only person you can change is yourself — how you respond to him. And, if that’s too much, then the only option is to leave (or stay mired in sadness and depression, which it doesn’t sound like you want to do. Most people don’t! But some aren’t motivated or strong enough to make changes on their lives).
I encourage you to talk to a counselor, and let me know how it goes…
All the best,
Laurie
Hello everyone.
I have been reading all your comments and just want to say I can relate to every one in detail. My fiance has just told me that he cannot see a future with me. He has gone from being the most loving caring nicest person to shutting me out. We have been through this before which is why this is so hard.
we have been together 6 years and moved into our home together nearly 4 years ago. He has finished with me in the same “cutting off” way a few times early on in our relationship. Just after we moved in he had one of his I dont want to be with you and at that time I immediately moved out but within a month we were together again as happy as ever.
He acknowledges he has depression and had counselling 2 years ago which helped him so much he was so happy to realise this was an actual problem.
He propsed to me last year in the most romantic of ways and we have been so happy planning our wedding. However he was working away in January and texting me constantly saying how he could not wait to get home then on arriving home I felt the usual shutting down starting which we talked about and he said it was irriational but he was blaming me for things like the cold weather and his work getting quiet. He booked to go to the doctors and for counselling which is why I think this is all about his depression. Then out of the blue the wedding is off and he cant see a future.
I cancelled the wedding but said I am not giving up on him as I recognise this is one of his episodes. However this is so upetting for me as I am living in the same house as someone who does not want to be with me after all our dreams we had. However he still gives me a cuddle in bed and a kiss goodbye when he leaves but again my mind is so mixed up I dont know whether this is him being just nice to me so I dont go mad or whether he is on the way back.
He can cope with everyone else in his life but blames me for everything.
Shall I just stick it out or should I just have some pride in myself and stop humiliating myself? I am so sad sad sad
Angie
Dear Ali,
I’m glad this site has helped you, but sorry to hear about your partner’s depression. It truly is a difficult thing to overcome in a love relationship.
It sounds like your relationship and communication with him is changeing — which is normal! As we become more comfortable with our partners, we let our true selves show…both the best and worst parts of ourselves!
I encourage you and your partner to go to couples counseling, and learn how to communicate when he projects his feelings on you. A counselor can teach you and him how to interact in healthy ways, and how not to let his depression get the best of your relationship.
You’re right that the way your relationship is headed may permanently damage you, especially since it’s difficult to stop a downward spiral once it’s started. But, if you can be honest and vulnerable with a counselor and commit to building a healthy relationship, then this could be just be a valley in an otherwise happy love life!
I hope you find the solution that works for both of you, and your relationship.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi All. I am glad I stumbled upon this site as it has made me understand a few things.. My partner of a year has severe depression, but it comes and goes. It normally lasts for 3 or so days and then he’s back to his happy, positive upbeat self. His episodes can come on once a week, or sometimes only once a month. I’ve noticed the last few times though it is getting worse. He is on medication for anxiety and he does go to therapy, but I don’t think he is discussing these episodes at all. He talks about the breakdown of his marriage and problems within his family and basically everything else but this.
This week he has blown a small mis understanding between us into a massive issue and is telling me how horrible what I did was. When I didn’t do anything wrong. I am beginning to understand that he is projecting his issues onto me, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. He is withdrawn, won’t talk to me and when he does it is intense negativity about himself and how he doesn’t deserve anything good and that I deserve better then him & that he hates himself, he doesn’t belong anywhere. He has gotten quite nasty towards me this time. He always finds some reason to beat himself up and hate himself more. However minor the ‘reason’.
When he is his normal self, what we have is amazing and he is the best person to be around. But he just snaps with no warning and becomes a totally different person.
I have tried to be supportive and reassure him how much I love him and that there is no one more perfect for me. I have tried being firm with him, I have tried just listening and biting my tounge I have tried making him see it a different way.. but lately I have snapped and gotten upset when he talks this way. I can’t help it and I feel so guilty but it breaks my heart every time. I just don’t know what else to do. I will not leave him beacuse of this, but it is breaking me and I’m worried it will permanently damage us.
Apologies for the mammoth post..
Thanks,
Ali
Hi Zoe,
I’m sorry to hear that your partner is depressed — coping with a breakdown can be very difficult and stressful for partners, family members, and friends. It’s good that he has his parents to support him, and I hope he’s seeing a counselor or psychologist.
You sound very self-aware and insightful, and I think that going to a counselor is a great idea. You need to figure out your boundaries, and how you can help him without losing yourself or getting drawn into his depression.
I also love the idea of taking dance classes to get fit and increase your mind-body connection. And, it’s great that you’re staying connected to your family! They sound so supportive — I think you’re very lucky that they want you to be happy, yet are honest about how they feel about your partner. There’s nothing wrong with them not being all ga-ga over your partner and being real about it, and I’m so glad you and they are still close.
As far as helping your partner not feel so alone….it’s difficult to know what advice to give you without actually knowing him, you, and your relationship.
I want to encourage you to re-evaluate your relationship with him, and make sure you’re not staying with him out of guilt or a misplaced sense of responsibility. This would be a great thing to talk about with your counselor — how healthy your relationship with him is, and if he’s capable of even being in a long-term committed relationship at this point in his life.
That said, I understand that you want to help him not feel so alone. One suggestion is to learn as much as you can about depression. I think you’ll find that people struggling with depression may not be “helped” by their loved ones as much as their loved ones would like, because depression can sometimes be caused by a chemical or hormonal imbalance. So, you can express to your partner that you’re there for him until the cows come home, but he may not really get it because of his wonky chemicals and hormones.
You can do everything in your power to make him feel loved and supported, but you can’t change how he feels. And, you can’t take his struggle with depression away. This is a serious mental and emotional illness that he needs to get professional help with.
That said, here are some practical things you can do: call or email him regularly, express your love and willingness to help, support him as he goes to counseling by perhaps offering him a ride or meeting him for coffee afterward, ask if he wants to go to a support group, invite him to take dance lessons with you (or do some form of exercise together — apart from your own dance class), and suggest that you’ll go to a couples support group or counseling with him. You could also read books about depression and love relationships together — I’m a strong believer in couples reading books about love together, and talking about what they’re learning!
I hope this helps, Zoe, and that you let me know how things are going….
Blessings,
Laurie