How to Deal With Depression in a Love Relationship
These tips for coping with a boyfriend, girlfriend, or marriage partner’s depression are from Dr Melvyn Lurie, author of Depression: Your Questions Answered.
Before his tips, a quip:
“In these 20 years of work among the people [in Calcutta], I have come to more and more realize it is being unwanted that is the worst disease any human being can ever experience.” – Mother Teresa.
Feeling unwanted and isolated is a huge factor in depression — and so are feelings of loneliness and fatigue. One of the best books on overcoming depression is The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness.
The more you know and understand about depression, the better you can see what to do and how to help a depressed partner.
And here’s what Dr Lurie says about coping with your spouse’s depression…
Dealing With Depression in a Love Relationship
Expect him or her to lose interest in physical intimacy
Losing interest in your love life is common in people with depression. “Whether from the inability to feel pleasure (anhedonia), inability to feel love, social withdrawal, or something more direct, interest in intimacy is frequently diminished in depression,” writes Dr Lurie. Further, losing interest in your love life can trigger other communication problems in relationships.
Has your partner lost interest in love or intimacy? Find other ways to express your physical intimacy, such as a massage or bubble baths together. And, remember that communication and intimacy problems can be triggered by depression.
If you’re wondering if your relationship is in trouble, you might find 7 Signs of Unhealthy Relationships helpful.
Don’t be surprised if your depressed partner tries to make you feel bad
This happens more often than you’d think! When someone feels incompetent, worthless, and unenergetic – which people with depression often do – they may project their feelings onto their partners. That is, a depressed partner may consider his or her partner as incompetent, worthless, or unenergetic.
“This kind of defense doesn’t work very well because it drives people away,” says Dr Lurie.
To cope with your partner’s depression, be aware of how negative feelings are projected. It can help simply to know why people dealing with depression make others feel bad, and learn to shrug off those behaviors. Learning how to cope with your partner’s depression in a relation can involve developing a thicker skin.
If you’re confused about your relationship, read Is Your Marriage Good or Bad? 3 Myths About Being Married.
Be aware of how depression can lead to relationship breakups
People dealing with depression may feel isolated, misunderstood, attacked, and unloved. They may withdraw socially, want to be alone most of the time, and lose touch with the ability to feel love. This causes communication problems in relationships. Plus, people with depression may become critical and argumentative. These factors make it difficult for a relationship to survive.
And, knowing how depression and relationships can co-exist can help smooth things over. Deciding in advance how to handle the negative parts of the relationship will prepare you for most anything. Also, contacting a Distress Line, depression support group, or counselor is a great idea, especially if you feel like you’re not dealing with depression and your love relationship very well.
The Psychology of Love
And, knowing how to overcome depression can help you understand your depressed partner, which can help you cope.
For Single People Dealing With Depression
Learn how depression affects your dating life
“Low self-esteem from depression can stop you from pursuing, let alone achieving, your goal of curing your loneliness,” writes in Dr Melvyn Lurie in Depression: Your Questions Answered. “This is a vicious cycle – your low self-esteem prevents you from curing your loneliness, and your loneliness worsens your depression and further erodes your self-esteem.”
Do things that increase your self-esteem, such as taking small risks and crossing things off your to-do list. If you’re dealing with depression, do little things every day to help you feel better about yourself.
Are you dealing with depression in a relationship? Sometimes it helps to write about your experience and feelings. I welcome your thoughts below — and I encourage you to consider calling a depression help line if you need support.
Category: Emotional Health Tips, Psychology Tips, Solving Relationship Problems
First, after researching all the information on depression and dating someone with this struggle, I have found an EPIHANY! That is very simple and can’t believe it took me 6 months to figure it out. My epiphany is simple that my boyfriend’s depression is creating me to be over analytical, confused and most importantly lacking in physical intimacy. I can’t believe how I let someone who I adore and really respect make me feel so much like a teenager dating. I am confused and really perplexed at his behavior and can’t swallow this monster sized pill that is his depression, stemming from a break up 7 months ago, that took a man from such high self-esteem to a brittle train wreck. He is top of his game at work with everyone admiring his accomplishments and work ethic, but when the office is closed and its personal time he turns into this confused, damaged and wrecked man. He is seeking therapy and thank goodness for that because it is a crutch that he needs. I know that he means well and cares for me but there is NO physical intimacy other than an occasional hug and kiss. I have tried to build his self-esteem with caring gestures and love but it is not helping. I took him away this weekend thinking if I can only get him out of the environment for a quiet peaceful weekend he would be able to focus on me for a little bit and fulfill a need that I have and that is grow our relationship. I can’t handle hearing about his ex-lover who by the way gives nice women a terrible name. He states that he not yet ready to get into the physical intimacy while his self-esteem is so low. He wants to take things slow and make love to his best friend as he has always rushed in relationships. This has been 6 months and he seems to lower his inhibitions when he drinks which I believe is from this depression when the whore ex-girlfriend left him after cheating on him and aborting his child. He is struggling with the dark side weekly and I created a safe place for him where he can talk about things. He does go to therapy weekly and I like to think it helps. I am becoming FAR too confused and contemplating stepping away for a while so I can really determine if this is worth my time and effort. My return on investment seems minimal at best. His esteem makes him wonder why I can care for him with no motive. The dark side has prompted him to drink a lot! When is drinking his inhibition are lowered so he speaks freely. When the morning comes he is back to pity. I have money, family and amazing children. I do not need him to save me like he has tried to do in the past. Is there hope? Please helpppppp. Txs!!
My boyfriend and I have had an on again off again relationship for the past 3 years. Most times my depression has driven him away, and his has driven mine away. Over the years he has been able to cope with his, but I have yet to cope with mine. In all honesty, I’m really jealous of him cause he has a close family, mine is broken. He has a very high self-esteem, where I think I’m worth less than worm poop. He treats me well, most of the time, but when he tells me he loves me and how beautiful I am; I just can’t bring myself to believe it. Lately I’ve really moody, and have been trying to make him feel bad cause I feel bad. I’ve been really nasty towards him, and take allll my anger and frustrations out on him. After doing this for a few days he told me he didn’t want to hear from me foe the weekend, and the EARLIEST he would talk to me was Monday. Let’s just say that was a good slap in the face saying, “Hey! You need to get your shit under control, before you lose him forever! I have an appointment tomorrow with an old therapist that helped me through a lot when I was younger. I know it’s one thing to say I love you, which I kept telling him, but it’s another to show it. Actions speak louder than words, so I’m praying he sees how much I love him. A lot of stuff has been going on, on his end, and a lot has been going on, on my end. I’m really hoping by going through therapy will help me feel good, help me focus on the good things in life, and help my relationship work out this time. I really do love, appreciate, and want him. I’m just having problems showing it, and pointing it out to him. I know how it feels to feel unloved, appreciated, and unwanted. It is not, BY ANY MEANS, a good feeling. My depression has been so bad he stopped eating. That’s the LAST thing I wanted. I hope all he wants is space, and not to end it. Please help!!! I really do love him!
I have been married for 5 yrs now, but we have been together since our first son. So a total of 8 yrs. I’m not sure if its depression or not, but im starting to feel like it is. My spouse is like the energized and worker of this relationship. I stay at home with our 3 kids all day everyday. I have not had many female friends in my life period due to the fact I may not like how they act or im just not trustworthy. He is military so we hae traveled to 2 places in the last 4 years. With him working all the time, I feel as if im in his shadow and its really starting to bother me to the point to where I wanna give up! Since the beginning of our relationship there has been trust issues so it started out wrong. He has cheated on me with 2 people before he was due to deploy to Iraq in 2010. I was trying my hardest to forgive him due to us having children so i took him back. He promised me it would be better, we would get out more as a family and do more things just the two of us. That lasted for about a couple months then it was right back to him doing things by his self again. He has joined groups and everything and yes I could of went with him but i chose not to due to I know how i may act at times around females being in his face. His personality is very friendly he calls it. I call it toooo friendly he can meet males n females easily from day to day, but for some reason i cant and thats always been a problem with me as well. I just wanted to do more things as a family, while he seems more happier doing things on his own and without the kids. He says he perfectly happy nothing dofferent in the sexual side of our relationship. It’s just that i dont want to keep pushing at him to do things as a family if thats not what he really wants to do deep down even though he says he does. He does look at other females time to time nothing serious but that also bothers me as well due to me knowing that he cheated on me before. He doesnt really introduce me to people he knows because he says I have a attitude when I meet people so he rather not. That goes for people at work and etc. So i stick to myself daily in the house while he’s out talking to people daily n he never understands where i’m coming from. And there is lots of more stuff from finance and all that I feel like i have no conrtol over and its just really starting to make me think I want to call it quits. Any suggestions will help!! Thanks