Comments on: How to Cope With Difficult Parents – For Adult Children

By: Laurie

Laurie — Mon, 20 May 2013 14:20:37 +0000

Hello Mom,

I think it’s difficult for us children to remember that you parents are only human – even when we’re adults! We want you to be perfectly loving — just plain PERFECT. It’s hard to let you be human, because we want you to be superhuman.

Wow, you have a lot to live up to And yes, you are totally welcome to be here as a parent — we have alot to learn from you.

I don’t know of any parents sites or forums, but I tweeted a request on Twitter! If they have any links, I’ll post them here. I’ve never heard of e-stranged.com, and look forward to checking it out.

Hey — how was Mother’s Day for you??

By: mom

mom — Sun, 12 May 2013 01:17:16 +0000

Laurie, could you recommend any sites that would be helpful to me? I have gotten on e-stranged.com and it is quite good. I don’t want to get on the discussion sites that just seem to continue to be angry and bitter at their adult children…..of course, when a person is angry and bitter there isn’t too much room for sadness and despair. LOL Thank you

By: mom

mom — Sun, 12 May 2013 01:09:18 +0000

Thanks Laurie, I need to hear these things…..like a person in the relationship/parent/child might not be able to change or doesn’t want to or whatever the case may be. As a parent I can say that in the moments of deep sadness and despair at my personal loss I don’t think of these reasonalbe things. I especially liked the quote from Oprah….forgiveness is about what could have been and wasn’t….that puts a whole different perspective on forgiveness and each one who would like to forgive. It is ‘a gift we give ourselves’, if possible. There is also a hint of truth to most things said in anger….something to think about too….we parents are only human. Thanks for responding. Hope no one minds a parent on the site. Thanks

By: Laurie

Laurie — Sat, 11 May 2013 13:01:16 +0000

Dear Mom,

Thank you for sharing your perspective as a mom! I’m glad you “rambled on” – that’s what I’m here for

It’s so important for parents to speak up, especially when we only hear from the kids here. And thank you for pointing out that I’m not criticizing difficult or toxic parents. I truly believe they’re doing the best they can, just like we are.

Yes, I think the parent-child relationship can be worked out if both parties are willing to compromise. The problem is that sometimes things get in the way, such as mental illness (like my mother’s schizophrenia). She can’t change. She is who she is, for better or worse.

Some adult children are the same way: they can’t or won’t change, but they expect their parents to change. This of course makes it impossible to find common ground or compromise!

I think acceptance is the key to coping with difficult family members. We need to stop railing against what is, stop fighting reality, and start accepting that this is who God put in our lives.

By: mom

mom — Thu, 09 May 2013 00:36:45 +0000

Dear Laurie,
just found your article and I could be considered a toxic mom. Hoping my children will want some kind of friendship with me and husband, but I don’t know. I had a big falling out with them and I know I hurt their feelings. I have tried to apologize because I am and was sorry, but I think the damage is done and I must live with the thought of a future without hearing from or seeing my children( they are middle age). I do like the quote:”Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.” Mine are quite successful. I will try to use your tips about forgiving myself, allowing myself to feel the pain, and to try to move on. I want to thank you for not reaming ‘toxic parents’. Many sites do and perhaps you have but I haven’t read it……..I have never understood the idea of avoiding parents forever unless their was abuse of course…but it seems that this is becoming quite popular among adult children and parents. A shame for sure. So sad for everyone. Mostly the parents ….but that is the place I am coming from.
I appreciate reading from the kids perspective….but may I ask: Can’t everything be worked out as long as both parties want to? That is the key…and that is where forgiveness comes in to play. Why not write to mom and dad once in awhile and tell about mundane activities….nothing heavy or blaming. I’m not saying to visit, to put yourselves in awkward or compromising positions….just short and sweet….make it a practice….No one would ever have to visit if things were done this way and yet parent and child would feel connected in a good way. No one really owes us anything….but I think it is “I want to” attitude. Thanks for letting me ramble on. Thanks for being so kind and considerate to mom and dad. No one is perfect.

By: Laurie

Laurie — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 13:06:15 +0000

Thank you for sharing your comments and lives with me! I really feel for you – I know how difficult it is to cope with parents who make life harder for us, not easier.

I’m co-facilitating support groups for caregivers in Vancouver, and have found that being with people who are in the same or similar situation is the best way to find solutions and make life with difficult parents easier. It helps just to know you’re not alone, and to talk with others struggling with their parents.

It may be difficult to find the right support group, but honestly — it’s worth the time, effort, and energy! What do you think?

By: Kandace

Kandace — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 05:27:42 +0000

My parents divorced when I was young. Both parents entered into a relationship before the divorce papers were signed. My father married a woman who had a daughter and couldn’t cope with his four children. She is about as loving as a fish and fake as barbie. I always felt like we were unwelwome in their home and an inconvience. It has always been her house and Dad just lives there. We had access visits every second weekend and were promtly dropped home Sunday afternoon at 3pm. My father is a gentle soul and never stands up for himself and that includes where it came to us kids. I was an angry teenager and have never dealt with my emotions well. My father left his four daughters in a home (with my mother) where we were constantly abused, she had a temper that was explosive, I have been hit with coat hangers, electric cords, egg flips and a cricket bat in the head and yet I still seek her approval. She tells me I’m fat and that I’m not smart enough and that I should get use to being noone. She has told me if she had her time over she would never have had us. She had many boyfriends over the years and paraded us girls around like trophies as we were pretty teenages. I think the only reason we weren’t sexually assulted is because we stuck together and had bad attitudes. Once I has hurt playing sport and the hospital would not release me to my sister and they had to wait for my mother to get there from the pub and then she yelled at me because it wasn’t that bad. I still hacve issues from that injury. We were only allowed to go places where one of our friends parents could pick us up and drop us home or I use to ride my bike. My friends mum use to make lunch for me at school, otherwise I didn’t eat. That’s just a few examples I could go on. I resently just stated having anxity issues and blew up at my father and said things I couldn’t take back and was guilt riden when he told me he thought about killing himself. I tell the truth and I feel bad how does that work. I turn 30 in a few months and don’t want a party because A) I don’t have many friends (I think this is a result of trust issues or I’m just not likable) and B) because I am sick on pretending we are a happy family. My father told me today that he was going to Melbourne to see his wifes daughter this angers me as I don’t want to share my father with her. and I am jealous beacuase I can’t have the relationship with my father I want because his wife hates me and it is uncomfortable to visit him. His wife acts like she is better then me and my sisters. Why do I still seek my parents approval and why do I feel bad if I don’t see them? My mother will not acknowledge she was a bad mother and put us at risk and it annoys me when people tell me I am just like her. I read once that all parents damage their children, children are like panesof glass some parents leave smudge marks and others leave cracks. Well my parents shattered the whole thing.

By: CG

CG — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 11:51:34 +0000

Most of my friends and acquaintances have matured and understanding parents. In India(at least in the locality where I stay) most of the kids don’t have to deal with difficult, immature parents. That is in case if you are in middle and upper middle class locality.

When I came across your page and read everyone’s sufferings I felt that I haven’t faced one percent of what others have. Although my mother’s behavior is like that of a “schizophrenia patient”, she is messy, untidy, unpunctual, abusive, stubborn and immature. We have fights and our personalities are poles apart. At least it is not as extreme as physically abusing (occasional though)each other and engaging in chronic verbal abuse. I am thankful my father is non alcoholic and has a cool head. Although I don’t have a very great bonding with my parents like my peers but I feel blessed (enlightened too) after going through this blog and comments.
THANK YOU LAURIE!! I HOPE THE OTHERS FIND A WAY OUT OF THEIR RESPECTIVE PROBLEMS !!

By: angela

angela — Sun, 24 Mar 2013 18:51:55 +0000

Hi my name is Angela, I am 24 years old and I would very much appreciate if someone could give me advise on how to live or deal with toxic parents. If you know of any books or therapies please let me know. Before I share my story i’d like to say that my parents are wonderful people, its just that the way they have always made their decisions has always affected my life incredibly. I have always felt like I am their parent and its just painful. I grew up in South until the age of 10. My childhood was great, but sometimes i think that its greatness was because i did not spend it with my parents. My mom had me when she was 28, she had a job and was able to support me. . i grew up mostly with my grandfather aunt and cousin. My father was a working man too but during my childhood he was a pain in the butt, he was always drunk, abused my mother verbally, cheated on her many times and even introduced me to many of his mistress. Fortunately his job made him change cities a lot and i was happy not see him. Even though i loved him because he was my dad, his behaviour made me angry and unhappy. Both of my parents come from a very complicated culture, their families just like them have always been toxic. My mom has always helped her family and they have stolen from her, treated her like garbage and made her very unhappy. My dad comes from a very dysfunctional family too and this is why i understand them. However there comes a point where that understanding becomes too painful. When i was 10 my parents had legal problems in their jobs, my mom was falsely accused of something, because of her brother, and both my mom and father were fired from their jobs. After this event we moved to United States my dad became completely toxic to my mom always blaming her for her loss, My mother became depressed and developed a seizure disorder. She has to work while ill and i was still little to work. My dad hated working, he always has, he hates contributing financially and asking him for money is like the end of the world. By the age of 15 we moved to Canada. There seemed to be more opportunities and a health care system for my mom. When we moved my father continues with his behaviour of a lifetme, my mom with her depression and sadness and me with emotional pain all over the place, Regardless of my parents situation, i went to university, i decided to move out and i was happy living by my own. Even though it was hard i felt free. 3 months ago however, i had to move back with my parents and ever since i have been with them, i feel like i don’t want to live, i ‘m depressed all the time and i am angry with them. My mom recently travel to our home country and she made me pay 1000 dollars for a debt of an apartment, where he sister lives for free, i have a university debt ot 40, 000 dollars and my parents have hardly helped financially, not only have i had to pay many of their mistakes but i have always had to be there for them. My mom is currently ill, but i’ve lost my desire to help her, my dad manipulates me and guilt trips me all the time, telling me that if a leave their house i’m a terrible person because my need me now. I feel like i no longer want to be part of their lives, like i want to run away from them but i can’t because i feel guilty and selfish. I have been saving the money to move out but the only reason of why i have not done so i because i feel guilty and i feel like i am going to live to children to die. Help me if you know of anything.

By: K R

K R — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 05:33:35 +0000

i am 26 years old. My mother and i are fighting atm. our personalities clash and we are both as stuborn as hell (even though she denys being stubborn). She has a hard time excepting the fact that i don’t allow her to control my life the way she does with my 2 other sisters (they still live at home, my twin also has her 5 year old son living there aswell). Everytime i talk to her she brings up current issues that are bothering her (mostly about my sisters) and when i discuss this with her a couple of days later one of my sisters will txt or call me saying that my mum told them i said this and that about them, most of the time she has twisted my words or flat out lied. This is so annoying, how does a mother want to cause drama within her family. i find her petty need for gossip annoying and no longer feel like speaking to her about anything. She calls me bad names and makes things up all the time. Her moods change all the time (she has a disease that causes chronic pain) she blames this on her pain, but gets angry when we chime back at her. I find her to be very immature at times and am seriously debating whether i continue this releationship or not. She has always been a control freak who needs to be in charge of everytthing, then gets angry or annoyed when someone challenges that. She even sees a difference in opinion a challlenge to her authority. She controls my sisters child and takes over everything, i’d go as far as saying she treats him like her own child and gets defensive when people opinions or assistance. (like his birthday party coming up) . Anyway it is great seeing i am not the only one getting suffocated and stabbed in the back by their mothers. It feels good to get this off my chest.