How to Cope With Difficult Parents – For Adult Children
When Your Parents Don't Understand You - or Make Your Life Hell
Knowing how to cope with difficult parents as an adult child will help you find happiness and peace in your life. These tips for dealing with toxic parents will help you overcome childhood difficulties and achieve your life goals.
Before the tips, a quip:
“Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy,” said Robert A. Heinlein.
Easy childhoods can set you up to falter in adulthood because you haven’t learned the necessary life skills. But, having difficult parents can certainly set you back, too! To learn more about coping with difficult parents, read Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr Susan Forward.
And here are three ways to move past an unhappy childhood…
How to Cope With Difficult Parents – For Adult Children
Note that these coping tips are more psychological than practical.
For practical ways to cope with difficult parents, read 6 Tips for Toxic Relatives – How to Handle Family Problems.
Some moms are more apt to boil rabbits and stalk married men (like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction) than balance a successful white-collar job with a nurturing home life (like Claire Huxtable). Adult children of difficult parents need to know how to build good relationships with them anyway – even if we have a mother-in-law who doesn’t accept us – or we suffer the consequences.
I know firsthand what it’s like to cope with a difficult parent; I’ve learned to love my mother, who has struggled with schizophrenia for most of my life (which made for a very unhappy childhood for me). If you’re the adult child of an alcoholic, mentally ill, or toxic parent – these suggestions may help you connect with them and and help you move past your own unhappy childhood.
Remember: even the most unorthodox childhood can be a springboard to success – depending on your attitude and perspective!
Become Aware of Your Feelings
“When we’re not aware of what we’re feeling, the feeling becomes the master,” writes Sue Patton Thoele in The Courage to be Yourself. “A repressed or suppressed emotion builds up power until it’s impossible to contain and, as a result, erupts destructively.”
Take resentment, for instance. Maybe you feel rejected because your mother smothers you or keeps “lending” thousands of dollars to your brother. Maybe your mom nags you to lose weight, get married, clean your house, or get your hair out of your eyes (oh, to have a normal mother!). Avoiding your feelings of anger or resentment does pay off – otherwise you wouldn’t do it. Avoiding your feelings is easier, less painful, and requires less energy — in the short run.
In the long run, however, swallowing your feelings about your childhood or difficult parents can lead to anxiety, depression, physical illnesses, and unhealthy relationships. Violent eruptions become more likely, such as emotional meltdowns over computer glitches and screaming fits over lost keys. If you’re coping with difficult parents as an adult child, you need to find healthy ways to express your feelings.
Accept Your Feelings
Knowing and accepting your feelings brings freedom and a stronger connection with difficult parents. As an adult child, simply saying out loud, “It aggravates me when mom tells me how to discipline my kids!” can be liberating.
Resisting your feelings makes them stronger; accepting your feelings makes them manageable. Talk about difficult parents: when I was in high school my mother regularly visited me at lunch – she had long scraggly hair and wore dirty, baggy street-person clothes. I fought my humiliation and embarrassment for years and those feelings grew, just like compound interest.
When I couldn’t swallow my pain anymore (it was leaking out in self-destructive ways), I finally let myself simply feel my despair. And it was bad, but then the feelings became less strong. Now, it’s easier to connect with my difficult mom because…
It is what it is.
Practice Forgiveness
Oprah recently said that forgiveness is releasing the hope that things could have been different. True forgiveness is realizing the gift in a bad childhood – and learning from it. Every experience you’ve had makes you who you are and makes you more yourself. Your unique personality and spirit wouldn’t be yours if you had different parents or siblings – even if you got a bad deal. Coping with difficult parents is easier when you accept and let go of the past. Sometimes that means letting go of someone you love.
Forgiveness is easier when you accept that your parents did the best they could.
For more family help, Dysfunctional Families – 5 Tips for Solving Family Problems.
If you have thoughts or questions about coping with difficult parents, please comment below.
Category: Family Tips, Parenting Tips, Psychology Tips, Solving Relationship Problems
Michele, I’m glad you feel better and wish you all the best. I hope you come back soon and tell me how great things have worked out!
Natasha, thanks for your kind offer. If a reader asks for your email address, I’d be happy to give it to him or her.
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
Thank you for your reply, I can’t tell you how good it felt to have somebody be so confidant that things can work out one way or another. I will definitely be getting the book Toxix Parents as well as the book you suggested “Letting Go of Someone You Love: 75 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and Let Go of the Past”. I am also looking into counseling.
I truly appreciate what you have done here for all of us who are suffering with our family relationships. Thank you!
All the best,
Michele
Dear Laurie,
My name is Natasha.
I have had many many problems with an overbearing, insulting, demanding mother during my life. From an early age I was threatened with being abandoned if I did not reach the expectations she had of me. I am now 30 years old. Against her wishes, I am a professional writer and advice columnist. I chose this path rather than my qualified, intended path (physics) for two reasons – it helps me cope with a history of and ongoing family problems, and ultimately it means I can help others.
When I read this blog I have to confess I was very emotional. It is incredible to read so many stories of people with similar issues to my own, and to each other. It doesn’t matter how often I hear the problems – it’s always incredibly rewarding to connect with others who have experienced similar set-backs. All are brave for having posted and your replies I’m sure have helped many of them greatly. I was particularly touched by the comments given by – and desperate to help – ‘Mon’from Sri Lanka, who I feel may need regular contact with a person who understands and wants to offer advice.
Would you consider putting us in contact via email? If you wish to know more about me I would be happy to discuss my credentials and location first, to prove my genuine nature and desire to help this individual. I am very caring, strong and professional, and I think ‘Mon’ really needs someone to talk to.
Please let me know how you feel about this possibility.
Thank you for taking the time and effort to advise people who need support.
Natasha
UK
13th October 2010
Dear Michele,
One thing’s for certain: you can’t expect your mom to change, so you need to stop trying! She is who she is. To stay emotionally and physically healthy, you need to accept her for who she is.
And, you need to learn how to draw healthy boundaries in your life, and stick to them. Figure out what you are and are not willing to tolerate in your life — that’s that easy part. The hard part comes when you have to teach your mom that you will not veer from your boundaries no matter what she does.
There’s alot going on in your relationship with your mother, and I encourage you to talk to a family counselor. You need support and guidance as you re-learn how to relate to her. A counselor can give you the tools you need to set your boundaries and stick to them.
I also encourage you to read books about boundaries, or take a boundaries course for women.
One way to stop the downward spiral into depression is to take action — because depression can be a result of feeling helpless and hopeless. You can take action in your life, by talking to a counselor, getting the right tools, and setting your boundaries.
I hope this helps — it’s just the beginning of your journey to strength and healing! You can do it, my friend. Make this a priority in your life.
You may also find Letting Go of Someone You Love: 75 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and Let Go of the Past helpful. The tips apply to difficult parents and estranged family members — all types of broken relationships.
Blessings,
Laurie
It is so helpful to read so many different stories as it makes me feel less alone. I am 32 years old only child raised by my single mother. She had me at 19 and by the time I was 9 I was practically raising her. She loved me plenty but she put herself first always which brought a flurry of men and drugs into our lives. I watched her do drugs and take physical abuse as she alienated our family until we were homeless. We lived in shelters for a while and practically starved… all because she made selfish choices. She managed to push away the one man that was close to a father to me and then the bomb hit… she was diagnosed with HIV. Fast forward 14 years and I am married for the past two years and my mother is ruining my life. She lives alone on disability benefits and is like a 51 year old child. She makes terrible judgment calls which get her into trouble and doesn’t manage her spending so she ends up in debt and gets her lights turned off and stuff. I have spent thousands of dollars bailing her out of trouble only for to continue to be careless and lie to my face about it until she needs help and then I am left to pick up the pieces. I have tried talking to her so many times about things and she still chooses to lie and do whatever she feels like. At this point my husband doesn’t want her in our lives and I feel completely hopeless as she wont change so the only way to have her in my life is to accept the terrible drama and turmoil she brings with her everywhere. Even if I was willing to accept that, my husband is not.
I know she is toxic for me but I can’t seem to stop caring and it only brings me disappointment and anger when she let’s me down again. At this point I am afraid I am starting to fall into depression because I don’t know what to do. Our last argument was 6 weeks ago and we haven’t spoken since… help please I feel like I am going insane.
Dear April and Lynn,
I’m very sorry to hear about your situations with your families. It sounds like you’re at the end of your rope – which is not a good place to be.
I encourage you to get in-person support. I can’t give you the help you need here because I don’t have the pertinent information on your background, personality, relationships, or situation.
Please call a counselor, social worker, spiritual leader, or a women’s helpline. You need to talk to someone in person, who can help you figure the best way to cope with your family situation and your emotions.
Please talk to someone who can give you objective, professional support. You’re already headed in the right direction — reaching out for help and sharing what you’ve been through — and now you need to surround yourself with resources that will give you the strength and courage you need.
I just wrote an article called How to Find Solutions to Relationship and Family Problems, which describes six ways to get help.
Please read that article, and get in-person support – or online counseling help. I can’t offer that here.
I wish you all the best — and welcome you to come back anytime to update me on how you’re doing!
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
Well things got worse with everybody, if you can actually believe it.
My father refuses to come into our house to see our little boy, so our son has to go out to the car to see him. My mother would come in and get him and bring him out. I told her the other day this was ridiculous, and if he wanted to see our son, he could come in like a civilized person. Why should our 3 year old be paraded in and out just to enable my father’s childish behavior? So, the whole fight from my original post got brought up again (we haven’t spoken to him since then, at all…well, my husband said hello, and my father replied, but that was all, and that was 2 weeks ago). And, my mother said to my husband “so, you are saying that you didn’t threaten to sue us for emotional stress?”. Apparently that is what my father is saying now. You could have knocked us down with a feather. My husband swore on our son’s life that he never said this, and that isn’t something he takes lightly. My mother replied “I choose to believe my husband” and left the house. We told her that any access to our son by them is denied – permanently. This occurred 4 days ago, and no words have been exchanged since on either side. I’m so sick of this mess. What can I do, or can anything be done? I feel like quitting work and moving away. Help!
Well where do I start, I have this overbearing, overreacting, overly sensitive,controlling, two-faced mother from hades, well I’m kidding she’s not from hades but I sometime feel like she is..about 2 yrs ago I met the man of my dreams while on a trip with friends to an amusement park,we hit it off & now married, but the thing is he lived 200 miles away so I moved from one state to another in order to be with him, & my mom didn’t like that fact that i was moving away with my kids, since she was always smothering me and always trying to raise me even though I’m 29 yrs old with three kids. Well now that I finally moved her bad side is coming out more & more with her making excessive visits. & staying for sometimes weeks @ a time, which my husband gets upset, which I feel like he’s justified, not to mention her snide comments & the constant disrespect toasted me, my husband, & my step daughter.. She’s two-faced & she’s always talking about my hubby & I to my children when I’m not around, I caught her doing it once, when I confront her she’s one of two things even overly angry or overly sensitive & starts crying..one time she stayed for almost a month when I had surgery just because she wanted to stay for her bday then in the same month she came back again with my dad when he came to visit. She talks about my step daughter behind my back to the point where my step daughter asks me why my mom don’t Los her. I just wished she wouldn’t come so much, & when she does that she knew when to leave without being asked or just waiting patiently to leave on her own..she brings negativity & a sense of drama to my house & I’m sick of it. I’m sick of my husband having to ask me when she’s going to go home, & having to give me ultimatums. Like if I do t tell her to go he will, cause he doesn’t want to but he feels forced to. & I hate not feeling close to her anymore & feeling betrayed by her two-faced negative nature, I’m to the point where I don’t even feel like being bothered by her at all. I wished she’d get a life & stop trying to live through mines, & I think she’s jealous of my life because I’m not afraid to live it & take chances & she can’t. I don’t know what to do anymore please help..
Hi Laurie,
Thanks so much for replying, many sites do not, and I greatly appreciate it! Do you recommend moving away? I’m so torn…part of me wants to, but part of me doesn’t. I have a house I love (even though my parents signed for the mortgage, we pay for it), and a good job with wonderful co-workers. My husband is set to go back to school, and things feel like they are finally on keel for us, with the exception of my dad. He controls my mom, totally, even though she denies it, and I wonder if he thinks by him being on the mortgage, he’s controlling us. I don’t think relations with him and my hubby will ever get any better (it’s been 10 years), and last night he came to our house with some girls who spent the night with us (their parents stayed at my parents house, and they had to stay at ours because my parents didn’t have a bed for them), and he treated me like a stranger, and acted like he was dropping off a parcel. “Here are your houseguests. Their names are X and Y. They have their own car, and are not in your way. Ok, girls, you know the way back to our house if you want to come back tomorrow. Take care and see you” (this last bit was directed at the girls, not at me). Then he left. He didn’t ask about the baby, or me, or anything. It’s been over a week now, and we haven’t spoken. I don’t know what to do. Do I stay here and just be blanked out by him and do it back, or do we move again, and start over again? I just don’t know. We don’t really have the money to move, but we would save and go as soon as we could. What do you advise? I used to want a relationship with my mom, but I don’t anymore. She has to be at his beck and call, and I’m not interested in doing that. My husband is so totally the opposite of my dad, and I think that’s where some of the problems lay. I feel like crying all the time, but I don’t let my little boy see. When he mentions his grandparents, we give vague responses, because we don’t want this mess to affect him. I wish I could just move, but I hate to give up my life, but then I feel like I’m paying too high a price for it!!! What do you think?
Lynn
Dear Lynn,
I’m sorry to hear about your difficult dad — that’s very sad and frustrating. It’s especially heartbreaking that your husband and child are involved…that must be so hard for you.
To give you some ideas for coping with him, I’ve written an article (it’s too much to say here!):
How Do I Confront My Overbearing Parents – for Grown Children
And, here are two other articles that may help:
Is Father’s Day Difficult? 6 Tips for a Better Relationship With Dad
6 Tips for Toxic Relatives – How to Handle Problems With Family
I also encourage you to talk to a family counselor. There are alot of things going on with your dad, and in your family relationships, that can’t be solved in this comments section. You need to find ways to set healthy boundaries and stick to them, and perhaps find the best way to get some emotional and physical distance from your father. A family counselor can help you and your husband figure this out, and find ways to deal with your dad.
You CAN be happy with your husband and child — you just need to take action towards creating the life you want! I know it’s hard…but you need to find the strength and courage within yourself to do what’s best for you and your husband and child.
I wish you all the best, and hope you let me know how things progress!
Laurie
Please help me! For 10 years, I have been with a great guy, and we’ve been married for 8. We have a beautiful, smart and funny little boy who is three. The problem is my father. My husband I had moved due to my employment, but after I had our son, I wanted to move back to my hometown. The relationship between my husband and my father has never been good. My father has always thought of my husband as a loser, and on occasion, told him so. My husband has no post-secondary education, but is a very hard worker and has provided for me and our child. My parents got us a mortgage because due to my student loans, and the fact that we just moved, and my husband is currently unemployed (the first time in 20 years) we could not get one ourselves. We pay the mortgage and bills every month, we just couldn’t get one. It was my parents’ idea to put an apartment in our basement so our mortgage would be less, and they agreed that when we got our footing in a year or so, we would take out a loan and repay them for the renovations. My dad and my husband have done most of the work themselves, and have had a few blowups along the way. My dad has made nasty comments, and for the past 10 years, my husband has sucked it up. No more. Now he’s coming back at him, and defending himself.
My parents make us feel like we are incompetent when it comes to our son. They installed FIVE baby gates in our home while we were away, and constantly criticize our food choices. My dad decided to give us $300 for a special formula for our son for the first two years of his life, now he keeps saying “I wouldn’t have wasted my money if I knew you’d be feeding him that shit”. (ie: macaroni and cheese, occasional trips to McDonald’s, etc). My mother buys him clothes, because she swears he has none.
My husband grew up poor. He was one of five children from an abusive home, so his mom divorced his dad when my husband was 10 and they grew up on social assistance. My dad never lets him forget it, and calls him “nothing” and a fake and a phony, and a loser, and most recently a “fu**ing punk who knows nothing” He put his face in my husband’s face and rubbed his fingers together and demanded the money for the apt (about $10,000), and waved his arm over the house stating “if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have any of this fu**ing thing here. All you’re any fu**ing good for cleaning fu**ing floors. You know fu** all.” And it went on. Finally my husband snapped, and started yelling back. All this while our son watched and our neighbor watched. My husband told him that yes, it’s true my dad GOT it for us, but we are paying for it, and never missed a payment. This all started because my husband was home with our son and my dad asked me what was for supper and I said “I don’t know, my husband is cooking, because I’m working”, and my dad said, “oh macaroni again”. Always with the comments. I told my husband, because I was upset, and when my dad pulled up unannounced at our house, my husband confronted him on the comment. My dad replied “I was just joking” and my husband told him he didn’t appreciate being talked about like he’s an idiot. Then all hell broke loose. My son was crying and saying to my husband “poppa’s mad at you. Poppa doesn’t like you”. My husband told me he was leaving, he couldn’t take it anymore, and my son heard him and started crying again “daddy, don’t leave”. Now my dad wants nothing at all to do with my husband or me, and if we don’t want our son to be around him, that’s fine too. I don’t feel comfortable in the house, and I keep seeing him in my mind rubbing his fingers together. It sickens me, and I want to move away again, but I don’t know what to do. I have a job I enjoy, with co-workers I like, my husband can go back to school and get a trade, but it’s coming at a high cost which I don’t really want to pay. If we move, I’ll have to give away my 8 year old golden retriever, or most likely put him down, because he has food aggression. My mom told me she is backing my father 100%, and I feel caught in the middle. I hate my life and spend a lot of my time feeling like crying and wishing my dad would just drop dead, or me. I don’t care anymore. And, it’s the thought of leaving my little boy that stops me from curling up and not caring. Please help. It will not get any better. It just gets worse and worse. My father flips out all the time, and he’s been like this my whole life. My aunt wants me to move my family up with her, far, far away from my dad, but I don’t want to give up my job, dog, and I guess my hope it will someday get better. And, if he dies (I hope), my mom will be left alone. I hate him so much. Why can’t he let us live our lives in peace? He’s a bully. If I go, am I running away? What do I do? I don’t have the money to go, but if I had to, I would. I feel like just throwing some clothes in a suitcase, and grabbing my hubby and son, and getting in the car, but then there are the other factors. What do I do? I’m an only child, and my dad has been this hateful my whole life. It’s just gotten worse. I think he has a brain tumor, but if that’s the case, he’s had one for 30 years now. I keep hoping he dies. I know it’s terrible, but I honestly believe it’s the only way it will stop. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. My husband has never said anything about him, and when I try to talk to my mother, she hangs up on me. I’m going insane!!! Please help me somebody!!!!!
i’m a 24 year old girl studying IT from Sri Lanka. i’m not working currently. for the record, it’s quite ok for a girl in our country not to work. also it’s not a necessity in our culture for the children to move into a new place when they grow up unless they get married or something like that. have an elder brother studying abroad now which i’m not in good terms of. my father is the breadwinner of the family and my mother barely leave the house. my parents are not that socialized.
honestly i do not know where and why the problem lies in this house but i certainly know that the way things operate in our family is different from normal people. to start with my mother barely make contact with outsiders. she doesn’t even step out to do errands. she doesn’t chat with the neighbors or friends [which i think she doesn't have] and uses the house phone only to communicate with my father. just for the record she’s completely healthy woman in her 50′s. i consider her very repellent. if my father suggest something she would disagree at some point then give her opinion if father agrees with that then she would change it again. it’s hard if not impossible to win her or please her. we not a close family anyway. i do not remember a day at all we hugged each other or expressed love to each other. our family have gone on trips or for movies together for like about 6 times in my whole life time [i'm not joking about the count here]. we don’t have fun Sundays or special meals or surprise parties or anything. and for birthday’s me and my brother, we get a cake from the bakery but no gifts exchanging or special treats etc will be there. my parents birthdays are not at all celebrated. we never go to temple for worshiping [that's another part of we not going out] not that my parents aren’t religious. my father is not a party person or more socialized either. he keeps in touch with relatives when they need help [my father is doctor by the way] and ask them for help if needed. as for my mother she’s not in good terms with her relatives anyway. she brings up fights with them too. Its not surprising we don’t have guests at our place.
my brother is 4 years elder to me. i actually hate my brother because he’s such a rude person. i believe that he put flames to the situation we have at our place by behaving the way he does. he talks differently with parents, i would like to use the word “rude” and “insulting” and “humiliating” to describe his way. i don’t feel like he’s an elder brother to me at all. he’s never tender and caring. it’s not that he’s violent but he’s so rude and cunning at times. i know if i had a younger brother or sister i would take care of them and defend them and be a good big sis to them unlike my big brother. my brother is actually closer to my parents than i am. he talks about work and stuff with them but still he sticks to his ‘way’ when doing so. it drives me insane to hang around my brother and parents. so i have chosen to barely speak to them and stay out of the way.
i spend most of the time in my room. since i got internet and I study IT i could keep myself busy all day. my parents expect me to study all the time and that’s what they think i’m doing in my room all the time and that’s what i act like i’m doing if my mother comes to check. i know it’s very silly but that’s how it goes. for instance if i’m watching a comedy on my pc i make sure they don’t see me laughing and i find myself turning my head towards the room’s door subconsciously to see if mother is around. even when i talk with my friends over the phone i keep my voice low. if my mother hears me she would come and question about it – and yes i fear that i do not know why. i picture my mother questioning about my friends ironically or in a way diminishing their character. i have chosen not to tell anything about my friends to them. i believe i’m scared of my mother. i do not remember my parents being tender and caring to me either. When I was schooling I wanted to do sports and be active. but my parents would say it’s hard to give me a lift after school or it’s expensive or mainly my mother would say ‘aah is that what you want to do? that’s not what you have to do now, do your studies now’. even now I want to do sports and attend dance sport class etc but I dare to ask them for it cause i really fear the smirk on my mother’s face or my father shaking his head or the usual question ‘SO are all your other study things complete now ?’ [well my brother have more freedom than I do cause he’s a boy and he’s allowed to come late home – he would still lie anyway about where he went to my parents ]
to sum up i think the way my parents look at life is very very different. but the scary thing is i’m their child. and for what ever they do and what ever they say they also have a justification to give. that makes the child confusing. In our country we respect our parents more and the society expects more to do so too. As I mentioned before we do not move out from parent’s house like in the western countries. that’s what maybe makes this tougher. i know i’m not a kid but these things are affecting me and my life badly. i’m suppose to be spending these days out there in the world enjoying the challenges enjoying the life the way it’s suppose to be. and i’m not. I’m a quite pretty girl with a talents inside me and ready accept ‘real ’ challenges in life. i’m wasting my whole life which i’ll never get back sitting inside a room and not hanging out together with people and typing this message in a comment which I don’t weather I’ll ever get replied to.
I’m 30 years old and have been married for 8 years. My parents and brother live in another country (I moved away when I was 18), and even though I had a very trying relationship with my mom, things had been great between us since I moved away.
About 5 years ago my parents and I started talking about working on a business together, since my mom has the expertise, my dad the managerial expertise, and I have the business expertise. It all sounded great and they were planning to move here once their paperwork came through. Well, most everything worked out as planned. My husband and I purchased a house big enough for everyone, which would be used as collateral in the business. My brother moved in 2 years ago and started attending college (he was 20). Then 3 months later my parents moved in with their 3 cats. They were not able to sell their house back home just yet so the business couldn’t be started and they only had a set amount of money on them. So we verbally agreed to not share bills, and they could purchase a few grocery items if they could. So here we are, 19 months later, the house still hasn’t sold, they both got jobs (but not very good ones), but they are still only paying for some groceries… Yet they managed to purchase a car and go on vacation, but when the subject is brought up they get offended and say they have no money… My husband and I feel used by this. So my husband and I have been putting up with their awful behaviour of constantly being criticized, struggling to get them to do chores around the house, and respect our furniture and house items (they’ve broken several items and never replaced them). They act as if it’s their right to be here and are not grateful. They blab to my friends about how much they hate the economy, and they can only see things in a negative light.
I’ve been unable to get any of the business ideas of the ground because my gut hasn’t allowed me to, and now I know it’s because we would never get along. Our arguments are constantly escalating, and I cannot have a fair discussion with them as everything becomes my fault. I brought this up with them and they agreed we don’t get along at home, but they think we will certainly work well together, that it’s different. In the meantime I found something I really want to do as a career, it’s something independent but unrelated to what we originally had planned. When I broke the news this week the reaction was that I was abandoning my own flesh and blood, that I ruined their lives because I told them I would do this with them and now they are stuck here. I told them I would help them develop the business plan but would not use my house as collateral since I didn’t want to be involved in it. They said they want my business expertise plus my house, which is ridiculous. They threatened me that this might break the family and they might never speak to me again, which I believe them, after I told them I was doing this to preserve our relationship. They also said I’m selfish for going on a different direction.
The way I see it is that I don’t think we’ll get along, and I do feel bad that I said we would do this together, but they are the ones that changed my mind with their behaviour! In a way it was a blessing, especially because now I found a career I really want!
Do they have a point here? I just don’t know what to think anymore… I just wish I could tell them to move out but when that day comes I’m 100% sure it will end our relationship forever… help!
Hi again ,,,,,,, I’ve been doing a lot thinking since I posted and I have decided to keep my Mother at arms length to keep my sanity . No longer is she allowed to treat me this way , if she tries it will be a longer period of time before I talk to her again . I can’t think of any thing else to do , any suggestions ?
Oh where do I start ,,, I’m from a family of 5 , All my life my mother has picked on me, belittled me , mean and always puts me down . my nick name as a child was dummy until my father put a stop to it . I’m all grown up and have an grownen family of my own and still to this day if she can bash me she will . I have talked many hrs with my baby sister and she is always surprized when I tell her some of the things she has said to me , she has seen this first hand and if I’m not there she tells my Mother to knock it off. Anyway I got a call from my sis last night and she was over at my mothers and out of the blue My mother says ” I just don’t know why I’m so mean to your sister ! she irritates me and I have never liked her even as a baby ” I sat there stunned and being that she has actually has confessed this to my sister . I have always know she doesnt’t like me but hearing it has upset me needless to say .There is no talking to her as it will never change , believe me I have tried and I end up the bad one again .
Hi Help and Mel,
I wrote another article about dealing with difficult parents — it offers more help than I could give here in the comments section!
6 Tips for Toxic Relatives – How to Handle Problems With Family
Let me know if it helps….
Blessings,
Laurie
It has been really uplifting and somewhat reassuring to read some of these posts. My husband and I took my MIL into our home about 7 years ago. We have been through struggles with drinking, smoking, anorexia and prescription drug use; that was before and after open heart surgery and extended hospital stay for DT’s. She refused to help herself, she is non compliant and all we do to try to help her is a battle. We are just worn from the battle. I have 2 children, 13 and 10. We try to live a Christian life, do whats right but its really taking its toll on us. We had a final blow last night when we caught her smoking in the bathroom she shares with my boys. She doesn’t help out with housework, bills or anything else. Last night my husband had to tell his mother to find somewhere to live. She does have 2 daughters that will not allow her to live with them. We are in such a moral dilemma. We have tried so hard to help her out and be there for her but we are just done with the battle. On the other hand, its his mother.
hi i have the most difficult parents ever and i don’t know how to deal with i try to be honest with them but no matter what i do they don’t listen to me they don’t respect me i used to fight with them a lot and tel what’s in my heart hoping that it might touch them some how but it never did and i reach out a stage that i can not fight any longer they still disrespect me of course i have my mistakes but inever did any thing that hurt them or humiliated them in any way because i know what i have to do and what i don’t but they always take me as a child i try to talk to them one on one my dad run away and my mom listen’s for a minute or two and when she hear’s somthing she don’t like even if it’s true and she might not see it she make’s a huge fight out of it and i am sick of tehy way they treat me they curse me some times when i am only saying somthing they don’t want to hear or if they ask me to do somthing but i don’t do it right away they don’t let me be my self because they make me feel that beeing my self is somthing wrong and they don’t let me go out my dad won’t even teach me how to drive for some kind of a psychological reason in his had and i am 19 years old and he don’t allow any one else to teach me and he’l make a fight out of it my mum can’t accept the life style that i want and i feel like i am always akting i am me i am who they want me to be and somtimes i feel like i m gonna explod i ve became frustrated !! and i feel like every second of my life is getting lost with me sitting and looking at it and i can’t do any thing about it i’ve tried every thing and nuthing seams to work and i have a psychologist in my college but he’s not helping me to find answers so plz any one who might have a solution to this plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz help me cz i am suffocating !!!!
Hi Bernadette,
I’m sorry to hear things are so rough for you right now. It sounds very stressful — no wonder you’re depressed! Your mom is definitely a difficult parent to cope with.
You may be feeling depressed partly because you don’t feel like you have any control in this situation. You feel helpless and like there’s nothing you can do. So, I encourage you to change the things you CAN change. Even knowing you have control over the littlest things can make a difference.
Your mom won’t change, but you can focus on things you CAN change. For instance, you might consider getting a couple of part-time jobs, or finding a full-time job that’s just temporary. Or, you might try to find a rental that isn’t too expensive, that you and your husband can afford.
No matter what you do, you’ll find it stressful — and there will always be hoops to jump through! But, you need to start taking control over the things you can change…..even the littlest things, like how you respond to your mom’s words and actions.
I also suggest calling a help line or depression line, and talking to someone in person. You may discover some resources in your area that you didn’t kow existed, such as support groups for people with depression, or low rental accommodations, or even free employment counseling.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …Reach Money Goals Faster – 5 Ways Your Friends Help or Hinder =-.
please send me an email with comment or advise
I feel I have been a victim of the economy,and for that reason we moved from the desert back to socal. My mother is in her mid 70′s and had lived alone for the past 20 years or so. My father died in 1999. I lived in socal all my life and my family and I needed a change so we moved to a small rural desert town near Las Vegas. We sold out house bought another one, and lived there for 5 years. My mother was very hurt that I moved the family away. I am the only child but at 40 I felt it was time to cut the cord. Fast forward to present, the jobs we no good and low paying, the culture was terrible, the weather either a oven or freezer. We got tired of it, I spoke to my mother about it and she said she was all alone and that we could move in with her. That is me, my husband, and my two teenagers 18, 16. It has been hell since day one. She gets mad at my family all the time. I realize that we are in her house, and we try to do the things she wants us to do but it is just not good enough. My kids slam the doors shut, I told them to do it gently, my son has his own room in the house, he prefers the couch, she says it is messy and it stinks like feet. If I cook in her kitchen it is never clean the way she likes it, if I use the wrong spoon oh god, you will never hear the end of it. The funny part is, is that I am the solehome owner of the house and I live in the back in a converted garage. I do not want to kick her out, all I want is harmony and peace. I would move out in a New York minute if I had the means to do so. I am still looking for a fill time permanenet job. Then I have to jump through all the corporate hoops and hope I pass probation, save money to move out, I see this happening in 6-12 months. In the mean time. i am depressed, I have panic and anxiety attacks. Not too mention that I have no kitchen of my own or space for me or my husband. I just went to the doctor today for lab work, the stressors in my life are terrible. I wish I could have a millions dollars just to move out, ASAP. My mother is toxic, she did not give me one gift for mothers day, after dissing my whole family and how much she hates us and how much she regrets that she ever let us move in with her, I told her that she had better stop because I was having a panic attack and she was like why don’t you just die then?? and have your whole family leave. My husband can’t pay all the expenses with his salary he needs me to work too. This is bad on my whole family..any advise will be appreciated.
my mother i think is atype 2 control freak and has been putting me down for years she has been a personal rival to me when i couldnt see it when i was younger and blindly trusted her i trusted her with a parcel of land which was an investment for my children and i and i also trusted her with a large amount of money she ha stolen both off them and lives in a fantasy world together with my father while i struggle she dished my and my childrens money out to my three sisters while i was away without me knowing and made my children go without she has a gambling addiction with the pokies and is a very unsucsesful business woman she has a second hand shop which has been running at a loss for at least 10 years and she has been covering her losses with my money she is still very competitive toward me and she thinks my life on this earth is to subsidise her failures she has succsesfully distorted reality over the ownership of my million dollar property and has sold more than three quarters of it and squandered the money the reason that i she ended up being trusted with my money is because i had troubles with the law and had to flee the country that is mostly sorted out now but her and my father have taken financial advantage of me while calling me no good a criminal she continues to refer to her and my father as a team the team have succsessfully separated me from my children stolen all of our money and are still active in the manipulation of me the time that i spend with her she is swering and putting my father and everyone elce down and claiming that they have wronged her in a really angry and nasty voice which i know is really directed at me and yesterday because i shut the seatbelt in the door she started screaming obsceneties at me what can i do oh and when i tried to legally claim my land through the courts she went to a politician and complained that i had gone insane and i was investigated she has manipulated everyone into beleiving that it is their land and has caused an irrepairable rift between me and my sisters in her bid to isolate me she interfered in any relationships that ive had with men gong back more than 20 years and has caused so many tears and arguments over the years with malicious b****ing on the phone with my sisters she denies any wrong doing
As bad as this sounds I almost feel a huge relief knowing that I am not crazy and there are other women walking in my shoes right now.
I will try to be brief. Basically I am divorced and have a daughter (11) my fiance was married for less than a year and does not have any children. My fiance’s mother is full vietnamese and father is American. At first I thought (and maybe still has SOME to do with all of this) maybe her having ONLY BOYS (he has one brother only), him being the baby and the fact that her culture could play a role was the only reason she wouldnt like me.
My fiance and I literally met at chance. We’ve been head over heels about one another since meeting. They say lobsters mate for life, we tell each other all the time we are one anothers lobster. I love this man so much, a love that I never knew existed. The 2nd Corinthians talks about this type of love that I have with him so I think how in the world could something that feels so right, true love, unselfish, feel so bad because of his family? As a mom I think when my daughter gets married I certainly hope she takes the life lessons I am teaching her, the values and morales to find her match however, in the end if he is not the perfect person in my eyes as long as she loves him, he respects her, provides for her and protects her that is all that I could ask for. WHY in the world does my fiances on mother not feel this way about HIM?
His family lives 6 hours away. He is such a wonderful son, so respecful, truly a mothers dream (my mother would LOVE a son like him and I jokinly say that my family loves my finace more than they do I). Everything had been going well. We try to visit monthly (yes, its a burden but I have done everything possible to ensure her that I am NOT taking him away from her and that I will care and love him the best I can and ensure I only help foster THEIR relationship). For 6 months in a row we went down to see them and stay for at least a week each time, taking my daughter with us (we sleep in seperate bedrooms of course from him). Everything seemed to be going so well. We were so elated that his family liked me, my daughter really likes his family, I THOUGHT they liked my daughter (there are no other kids in this small family so my daughter seems to bring an innocent fun/joy when we are there), my family of course loves him, IT WAS PERFECT. At Thanksgiving MY FAMILY even went with us to visit his family and all shared the holiday together. BOTH parents privately went on and on to us about the other parents saying that they are great people. BOTH sides are very similar….middle class families who have worked hard to raise their family, never divorced. At Christmas time his mothers sister (also vietnamese of course) came to visit for the holidays. I had been warned that she was a very tough cookie and probably wouldnt like me. WRONG, so i thought, SHE LOVED ON ME and MY DAUGHTER the entire week. She hugged on us, kissed our cheek, braided my childs hair daily, invited us to come stay at the beach soon with her, etc.. I couldnt have been happier. On the way home from that trip my fiance even told me in private that his mother pulled him aside and asked why he hadnt proposed yet, suggesting that he do so. SERIOUSLY…MAYBE I WAS IN LA LA LAND OR A FAIRY TALE BUT IT TRULY FELT THIS WAY, I AM NOT EXAGERATING! The ONLY thing we kept from them all out of respect is the fact we were planning to move in with each other (makes no differenc now anyway).
In January he called his mom and said, mom just wanted to let you know I took your advice and bought a ring, I am going to propose on Valentines. THIS WAS SUCH A PIVITOL moment. Rather than hearing how excited she was he was flabergasted to hear her begin to GO OFF. One thing led to another, first calm then downright hateful. They got off the phone to cool down and for the next month there were 2 more phone calls ALL with her TRYING HER BEST (trying to be sad, guilt him, etc.. anything to change his mind) to convince him I was not the one. She basically said her reason is that I am too old (im 3 years older), my childs too old (shes 11), im too old to have kids and will have no sex drive, im trash, my family thinks they are “uppety” although my dad has worked 2-3 jobs his entire life to have the things he does. EVEN HIS LEVEL HEADED FATHER “nicely” got on the phone (possibly with her convincing him to as she wears the pants) saying he agreed! The last conversation she said that her entire family (all 3 men, the dad included) were nothing but trash to her, she ruined her life (should of married a vietnamese man) and he was just trash, didnt love her or know how to take care of her, etc… My fiance politely said mom if you think im trash then I dont have to be your son, until you tell me your sorry and apologize and say your proud of your family dont call me back again. He hasnt spoken to her since. A few days later the aunt (who is older than his mom and bitter widow) called going off saying the same things! I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT HAS HAPPENED AT ALL! Please help! I appreciate that my fiance says he chose me, not them and im his family now but im so worried eventually he will blame me for this in the end? I even asked him if i could write her a letter or call he said not to. NOW as always (btw…the family has always accussed her of having mental illness but she flips out if its mentioned about getting help)she wants to pretend none of this has happened and is trying to weasel her way back in. Shes getting info. on us via his brother (who by the way is LOVING LOVING LOVING THIS attention they are giving him now as the “only child”). She cant be happy w/both sons at one time, she is angry all the time at one of them and if you knew these men (they are in their 30′s!!!) they are such nice guys, so respectful, hard workers, etc…
Any advice? I literally have tried everything and ill NEVER EVER forget the things shes done and said now.
Dear Cris,
I suggest learning as much as you can about healthy boundaries. Setting your boundaries is one thing — which it sounds like you’re doing — but sticking to your boundaries is a whole new ball of wax!
There are some great books about boundaries on Amazon (or at your local library) — such as the one I feature in this article:
5 Ways to Protect Your Boundaries Despite Criticism
It’s normal that you feel upset because of your relationship with your mom! A rocky, difficult relationship with anyone is hard to flow with…and it’s worse with our parents. Our mom and dad is supposed to protect us, love us, and keep us secure. But, when our parental relationships are so difficult, our worlds are turned upside down. It’s hard to take.
I encourage you to talk to a counselor or therapist. Your friends — and I — can’t give you the support and objective ear you need. Sometimes, all it takes is one session to give you clarity and direction…and other times, it takes a little longer. But, most of the time, counseling gives you a valuable perspective on yourself and the people in your life, which you can’t get from books or the internet.
I hope this helps, and hope you let me know how things go after you talk to a counselor…
Blessings,
Laurie
Thank you for posting this article. I was pacing the floors in my apartment tonight in a mixture of anxiety and depression over my seemingly insatiable mother.
Background: Mother &father divorced;very dysfunctional and mentally,emotionally,physically and sexually abused childhood.However, I learned a few years ago, that irregardless of my upbringing; I am ultimately responsible for who I become.
Iam 28yrs old. My mother has been diagnosed with clinical depression. I supect manic/bipolar. Basically, she is 49yrs old. For the last 5 yrs she has experienced alot of loss. To be frank she has gone from a single but happily dating single working mother to a physically patially disabled unemployed single but not dating and homeless mother. Obviously alot has occurred in between. During the “Alot” phase all of our friends and family have extended ourselves in every way possible to help her regain her life. But for whatever reason, whenever she would start working within a short period of time 1week to 1month “something” would happen and she would be unemployed again. Meanwhile, she is being completely taken care of by her children and her own parents mainly and a few friends that help every now and then. This cycle has gone on for 4 years. Well its gotten to the point that no one wants to help anymore because we feel like she is not trying to help herself. She knowingly incurrs expesnses that she cant afford and then goes around recruiting people to cover them. Well lately no one will, loan her money, or co-sign for personal bank loans, credit cards, apartements, etc anymore and she has these TERRIBLE tantrums that involve screaming,cursing,name calling,manipulative statements like “if you loved me you would…” or”if you dont; youre not my child and dont call me anymore until you can do…” and even physical confrontation. It has become too much.
Everyone gave up on her except me very recently. But she is just out of control. My sister(who she has lived with for over 2yrs) put her out recently because it was destroying her marraige and she is currently pregnant. My grandmother took her in, because I live out of state,and my grandmother cannot walk and needed some help. She tricked my grandmother into thinking that she was going to stay with her and help her while getting her own affairs in order. Two weeks later she talked my grandmother into lending her a few hundred dollars and left. She put the money down on a new apartment and got upset with my grandmother and everyone else when we found out saying “i want my own place!” Thats great but she didnt have a job to pay future rent or get utilities turned on. A day before these expenses were due, she calls me in a matter of fact sort of way indicating that she needed me to cover these expenses for 3 months until she starts working. My first inclination based on more than enough experience with her; was to say no. My sister,aunt,grandmother, etc to this day have creditors calling because of her. My sister actually has an eviction lawsuit because of a house she co-signed for her.
When I answered her contrary to my gut feeling “okay mom, I dont like doing things like this. But if you cannot pay the bill, or it gets behind I am going to have to discontinue the services.” She flew off the handle! She began to tell me that I had better not ever say anything like that to her, who do I think I am…blah blah. At that moment that was my confirmation that she was repeating a cycle and I just couldnt take it anymore. I said no. I was severely depressed all day. She called me again this evening and casually sais “Ok, so tomorrow I need those things done a.s.a.p because you are all I have left to do them I have no other choice…” Almost as if our earlier conversation did not take place. But I still felt like it was just enough. I told her I was sorry, but I just cannot help her when her behavior is so irratic and irresponsible, and manipulative. I got another ear full to say the least. But I just cant figure out why I am so tormented. I feel so sorry for her losing everything and suffering the side effects of it; but I also feel like her quality of life would improve so much if she just picked herself up and started to slowly put the pieces back together. I ve had to do it to clean up self destructive habits I created and maintained due to not accepting and getting over my terrible child hood. It took alot of faith,painful looks in the mirror,soul searching,crying,hard work,and accepting full responsibility for myself. I just dont understand why she just wont do the same. And it hurts to know that she may never speak to me again if I dont cover these expenses for her. Sorry for the life story. Ive burned my friend’s ears off with this ongoing craziness. Fresh insight would probably change my life. Thanks : )