Sometimes the best way to cope is to go far, far away…and take a good map with you (or your GPS!).
Knowing how to cope with your difficult parents will help you find peace and happiness. These tips are for adult children who want to move past their unhappy childhoods.
Before the tips, a quip:
“Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy,” said Robert A. Heinlein.
Easy childhoods can set you up to falter in adulthood because you haven’t learned the necessary life skills. But, having difficult parents can certainly set you back, too! To learn more about coping with difficult parents, read Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr Susan Forward.
And here are three ways to move past an unhappy childhood…
How to Cope With Difficult Parents
Note that these coping tips are more psychological than practical.
For practical ways to cope with difficult parents, read 6 Tips for Toxic Relatives – How to Handle Family Problems.
Some moms are more apt to boil rabbits and stalk married men (like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction) than balance a successful white-collar job with a nurturing home life (like Claire Huxtable). Adult children of difficult parents need to know how to build good relationships with them anyway – even if we have a mother-in-law who doesn’t accept us – or we suffer the consequences.
I know firsthand what it’s like to cope with a difficult parent; I’ve learned to love my mother, who has struggled with schizophrenia for most of my life (which made for a very unhappy childhood for me). If you’re the adult child of an alcoholic, mentally ill, or toxic parent – these suggestions may help you connect with them and and help you move past your own unhappy childhood.
Remember: even the most unorthodox childhood can be a springboard to success – depending on your attitude and perspective!
Become Aware of Your Feelings
“When we’re not aware of what we’re feeling, the feeling becomes the master,” writes Sue Patton Thoele in The Courage to be Yourself. “A repressed or suppressed emotion builds up power until it’s impossible to contain and, as a result, erupts destructively.”
Take resentment, for instance. Maybe you feel rejected because your mother smothers you or keeps “lending” thousands of dollars to your brother. Maybe your mom nags you to lose weight, get married, clean your house, or get your hair out of your eyes (oh, to have a normal mother!). Avoiding your feelings of anger or resentment does pay off – otherwise you wouldn’t do it. Avoiding your feelings is easier, less painful, and requires less energy — in the short run.
In the long run, however, swallowing your feelings about your unhappy childhood or difficult parents can lead to anxiety, depression, physical illnesses, and unhealthy relationships. Violent eruptions become more likely, such as emotional meltdowns over computer glitches and screaming fits over lost keys. If you’re coping with difficult parents as an adult child, you need to find healthy ways to express your feelings.
Are you stuck in your unhappy childhood? Learn how to break free from the past.
Accept Your Feelings
Knowing and accepting your feelings brings freedom and a stronger connection with difficult parents. As an adult child, simply saying out loud, “It aggravates me when mom tells me how to discipline my kids!” can be liberating.
Resisting your feelings makes them stronger; accepting your feelings makes them manageable. Talk about difficult parents: when I was in high school my mother regularly visited me at lunch – she had long scraggly hair and wore dirty, baggy street-person clothes. I fought my humiliation and embarrassment for years and those feelings grew, just like compound interest.
When I couldn’t swallow my pain anymore (it was leaking out in self-destructive ways), I finally let myself simply feel my despair. And it was bad, but then the feelings became less strong. Now, it’s easier to connect with my difficult mom because…
It is what it is.
Practice Forgiveness
Oprah recently said that forgiveness is releasing the hope that things could have been different. True forgiveness is realizing the gift in a bad childhood – and learning from it. Every experience you’ve had makes you who you are and makes you more yourself. Your unique personality and spirit wouldn’t be yours if you had different parents or siblings – even if you got a bad deal. Coping with difficult parents is easier when you accept and let go of the past. Sometimes that means letting go of someone you love.
Forgiveness is easier when you accept that your parents did the best they could.
For more family help, Dysfunctional Families – 5 Tips for Solving Family Problems.
If you have thoughts or questions about coping with difficult parents, please comment below.
Laurie, could you recommend any sites that would be helpful to me? I have gotten on e-stranged.com and it is quite good. I don’t want to get on the discussion sites that just seem to continue to be angry and bitter at their adult children…..of course, when a person is angry and bitter there isn’t too much room for sadness and despair. LOL Thank you
Thanks Laurie, I need to hear these things…..like a person in the relationship/parent/child might not be able to change or doesn’t want to or whatever the case may be. As a parent I can say that in the moments of deep sadness and despair at my personal loss I don’t think of these reasonalbe things. I especially liked the quote from Oprah….forgiveness is about what could have been and wasn’t….that puts a whole different perspective on forgiveness and each one who would like to forgive. It is ‘a gift we give ourselves’, if possible. There is also a hint of truth to most things said in anger….something to think about too….we parents are only human. Thanks for responding. Hope no one minds a parent on the site. Thanks
Dear Mom,
Thank you for sharing your perspective as a mom! I’m glad you “rambled on” – that’s what I’m here for
It’s so important for parents to speak up, especially when we only hear from the kids here. And thank you for pointing out that I’m not criticizing difficult or toxic parents. I truly believe they’re doing the best they can, just like we are.
Yes, I think the parent-child relationship can be worked out if both parties are willing to compromise. The problem is that sometimes things get in the way, such as mental illness (like my mother’s schizophrenia). She can’t change. She is who she is, for better or worse.
Some adult children are the same way: they can’t or won’t change, but they expect their parents to change. This of course makes it impossible to find common ground or compromise!
I think acceptance is the key to coping with difficult family members. We need to stop railing against what is, stop fighting reality, and start accepting that this is who God put in our lives.
Dear Laurie,
just found your article and I could be considered a toxic mom. Hoping my children will want some kind of friendship with me and husband, but I don’t know. I had a big falling out with them and I know I hurt their feelings. I have tried to apologize because I am and was sorry, but I think the damage is done and I must live with the thought of a future without hearing from or seeing my children( they are middle age). I do like the quote:”Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.” Mine are quite successful. I will try to use your tips about forgiving myself, allowing myself to feel the pain, and to try to move on. I want to thank you for not reaming ‘toxic parents’. Many sites do and perhaps you have but I haven’t read it……..I have never understood the idea of avoiding parents forever unless their was abuse of course…but it seems that this is becoming quite popular among adult children and parents. A shame for sure. So sad for everyone. Mostly the parents ….but that is the place I am coming from.
I appreciate reading from the kids perspective….but may I ask: Can’t everything be worked out as long as both parties want to? That is the key…and that is where forgiveness comes in to play. Why not write to mom and dad once in awhile and tell about mundane activities….nothing heavy or blaming. I’m not saying to visit, to put yourselves in awkward or compromising positions….just short and sweet….make it a practice….No one would ever have to visit if things were done this way and yet parent and child would feel connected in a good way. No one really owes us anything….but I think it is “I want to” attitude. Thanks for letting me ramble on. Thanks for being so kind and considerate to mom and dad. No one is perfect.
Thank you for sharing your comments and lives with me! I really feel for you – I know how difficult it is to cope with parents who make life harder for us, not easier.
I’m co-facilitating support groups for caregivers in Vancouver, and have found that being with people who are in the same or similar situation is the best way to find solutions and make life with difficult parents easier. It helps just to know you’re not alone, and to talk with others struggling with their parents.
It may be difficult to find the right support group, but honestly — it’s worth the time, effort, and energy! What do you think?
My parents divorced when I was young. Both parents entered into a relationship before the divorce papers were signed. My father married a woman who had a daughter and couldn’t cope with his four children. She is about as loving as a fish and fake as barbie. I always felt like we were unwelwome in their home and an inconvience. It has always been her house and Dad just lives there. We had access visits every second weekend and were promtly dropped home Sunday afternoon at 3pm. My father is a gentle soul and never stands up for himself and that includes where it came to us kids. I was an angry teenager and have never dealt with my emotions well. My father left his four daughters in a home (with my mother) where we were constantly abused, she had a temper that was explosive, I have been hit with coat hangers, electric cords, egg flips and a cricket bat in the head and yet I still seek her approval. She tells me I’m fat and that I’m not smart enough and that I should get use to being noone. She has told me if she had her time over she would never have had us. She had many boyfriends over the years and paraded us girls around like trophies as we were pretty teenages. I think the only reason we weren’t sexually assulted is because we stuck together and had bad attitudes. Once I has hurt playing sport and the hospital would not release me to my sister and they had to wait for my mother to get there from the pub and then she yelled at me because it wasn’t that bad. I still hacve issues from that injury. We were only allowed to go places where one of our friends parents could pick us up and drop us home or I use to ride my bike. My friends mum use to make lunch for me at school, otherwise I didn’t eat. That’s just a few examples I could go on. I resently just stated having anxity issues and blew up at my father and said things I couldn’t take back and was guilt riden when he told me he thought about killing himself. I tell the truth and I feel bad how does that work. I turn 30 in a few months and don’t want a party because A) I don’t have many friends (I think this is a result of trust issues or I’m just not likable) and B) because I am sick on pretending we are a happy family. My father told me today that he was going to Melbourne to see his wifes daughter this angers me as I don’t want to share my father with her. and I am jealous beacuase I can’t have the relationship with my father I want because his wife hates me and it is uncomfortable to visit him. His wife acts like she is better then me and my sisters. Why do I still seek my parents approval and why do I feel bad if I don’t see them? My mother will not acknowledge she was a bad mother and put us at risk and it annoys me when people tell me I am just like her. I read once that all parents damage their children, children are like panesof glass some parents leave smudge marks and others leave cracks. Well my parents shattered the whole thing.
Most of my friends and acquaintances have matured and understanding parents. In India(at least in the locality where I stay) most of the kids don’t have to deal with difficult, immature parents. That is in case if you are in middle and upper middle class locality.
When I came across your page and read everyone’s sufferings I felt that I haven’t faced one percent of what others have. Although my mother’s behavior is like that of a “schizophrenia patient”, she is messy, untidy, unpunctual, abusive, stubborn and immature. We have fights and our personalities are poles apart. At least it is not as extreme as physically abusing (occasional though)each other and engaging in chronic verbal abuse. I am thankful my father is non alcoholic and has a cool head. Although I don’t have a very great bonding with my parents like my peers but I feel blessed (enlightened too) after going through this blog and comments.
THANK YOU LAURIE!! I HOPE THE OTHERS FIND A WAY OUT OF THEIR RESPECTIVE PROBLEMS !!
Hi my name is Angela, I am 24 years old and I would very much appreciate if someone could give me advise on how to live or deal with toxic parents. If you know of any books or therapies please let me know. Before I share my story i’d like to say that my parents are wonderful people, its just that the way they have always made their decisions has always affected my life incredibly. I have always felt like I am their parent and its just painful. I grew up in South until the age of 10. My childhood was great, but sometimes i think that its greatness was because i did not spend it with my parents. My mom had me when she was 28, she had a job and was able to support me. . i grew up mostly with my grandfather aunt and cousin. My father was a working man too but during my childhood he was a pain in the butt, he was always drunk, abused my mother verbally, cheated on her many times and even introduced me to many of his mistress. Fortunately his job made him change cities a lot and i was happy not see him. Even though i loved him because he was my dad, his behaviour made me angry and unhappy. Both of my parents come from a very complicated culture, their families just like them have always been toxic. My mom has always helped her family and they have stolen from her, treated her like garbage and made her very unhappy. My dad comes from a very dysfunctional family too and this is why i understand them. However there comes a point where that understanding becomes too painful. When i was 10 my parents had legal problems in their jobs, my mom was falsely accused of something, because of her brother, and both my mom and father were fired from their jobs. After this event we moved to United States my dad became completely toxic to my mom always blaming her for her loss, My mother became depressed and developed a seizure disorder. She has to work while ill and i was still little to work. My dad hated working, he always has, he hates contributing financially and asking him for money is like the end of the world. By the age of 15 we moved to Canada. There seemed to be more opportunities and a health care system for my mom. When we moved my father continues with his behaviour of a lifetme, my mom with her depression and sadness and me with emotional pain all over the place, Regardless of my parents situation, i went to university, i decided to move out and i was happy living by my own. Even though it was hard i felt free. 3 months ago however, i had to move back with my parents and ever since i have been with them, i feel like i don’t want to live, i ‘m depressed all the time and i am angry with them. My mom recently travel to our home country and she made me pay 1000 dollars for a debt of an apartment, where he sister lives for free, i have a university debt ot 40, 000 dollars and my parents have hardly helped financially, not only have i had to pay many of their mistakes but i have always had to be there for them. My mom is currently ill, but i’ve lost my desire to help her, my dad manipulates me and guilt trips me all the time, telling me that if a leave their house i’m a terrible person because my need me now. I feel like i no longer want to be part of their lives, like i want to run away from them but i can’t because i feel guilty and selfish. I have been saving the money to move out but the only reason of why i have not done so i because i feel guilty and i feel like i am going to live to children to die. Help me if you know of anything.
i am 26 years old. My mother and i are fighting atm. our personalities clash and we are both as stuborn as hell (even though she denys being stubborn). She has a hard time excepting the fact that i don’t allow her to control my life the way she does with my 2 other sisters (they still live at home, my twin also has her 5 year old son living there aswell). Everytime i talk to her she brings up current issues that are bothering her (mostly about my sisters) and when i discuss this with her a couple of days later one of my sisters will txt or call me saying that my mum told them i said this and that about them, most of the time she has twisted my words or flat out lied. This is so annoying, how does a mother want to cause drama within her family. i find her petty need for gossip annoying and no longer feel like speaking to her about anything. She calls me bad names and makes things up all the time. Her moods change all the time (she has a disease that causes chronic pain) she blames this on her pain, but gets angry when we chime back at her. I find her to be very immature at times and am seriously debating whether i continue this releationship or not. She has always been a control freak who needs to be in charge of everytthing, then gets angry or annoyed when someone challenges that. She even sees a difference in opinion a challlenge to her authority. She controls my sisters child and takes over everything, i’d go as far as saying she treats him like her own child and gets defensive when people opinions or assistance. (like his birthday party coming up) . Anyway it is great seeing i am not the only one getting suffocated and stabbed in the back by their mothers. It feels good to get this off my chest.
Laurie,
I’m glad I stubbled across this blog. I have been struggling with my parents (my mother in particular) trying to control my life and I recently finally learned that she has an anxiety disorder that she affected her parenting (or lack thereof) my entire life. My Dad is also toxic since he is a verbally abusive person that is narcisstic, and lacks any ability to connect with anyone on more than a superficial level. I have noticed, he and my mother change friends and country clubs and every few years, because they lose friends as life situation change. (Divorced, grandkids, etc. if you aren’t happy or available on Saturday nights, they don’t connect or call you!)
I am 41 years old and I have been waiting to meet a man, have a family as if this is the only way I could escape and be happy because I was constantly told that getting married and having a family is the only way to be an adult.
Over the past few years, I realized that finding a man was not the right way to go and that I should be pursuing a career to take care of myself. I had tried in the past to get educated (through getting a MBA) only to be ridiculed by my family for doing so. My parents are wealthy people and continued to put me down so much that I thought the only way to make it was to get financial help from them. They wanted me to “look” a certain way, live in a certain neighborhood, all things that I couldn’t achieve without being financially dependent on them. However, they controlled the money and only gave it out when they felt I was “respectful”. Talk about making me crazy!
I started my own business, which needs about two more years to be successful, which my mother continues to try to disrupt. She calls me at all hours during the day, expecting to talk and can’t hear NO. If you ignore her calls, she keeps emailing, texting and calling me, complaining how “dispectful” I am.
Now, I just went through a major breakup and major health issues- I needed surgery for fibroids and needed my parents to be there to help care for me. Because my parents live in Florida (I live in Illinois) they didn’t want to be here- because they assumed “I could find someone else” when my boyfriend broke up with days before, so I needed them. When I was to have the surgery, I took pills the night before that caused so much that I needed to go to the emergency room. Not only did my parents initially refuse to take me (they didn’t think I was in pain!)- but once we got there my mother convinced herself that my surgery was cancelled the next day! She started talking to the ER doctor telling him she was “too old and too sick” to drive me to the hospital for the surgery and what did he think she would do?
Both my parents told me that “They would decide in the morning if I should get the surgery!” And that “I should have it a different time.” Crazy! Until I screamed and threatended to drive myself, they continued to act as though this was a demand on them. The morning they actually drove me, they spent the entire time (instead of conforting me) COMPLAINING and demanding that I give them an apology for my disrespectful behavior the night before.
I had to call pysch services and get them to talk to them and when I was released, my mother refused to care for me, feed me, if it wasn’t on HER terms. I was basically not allowed to tell her what I needed which resulted in many fights, as I was unable to shower, drive, etc. And my mother refused to do basic care for me because I was “disrespectful”.
I am trying to get away, and I have made the choice to have a baby on my own, before it’s too late, despite their past comments that I need to with a man to do so. I just needed to vent because I am so frusterated! What kind of parents (especially a mother) try to BLOCK their daughter’s surgery!
Dear Karie,
It’s not selfish to move away from your mom…but I know it feels like it is. I live 2 provinces away from my mom, and she used to ask me to move back to Saskatchewan every time we talk! We talk every 2 weeks, so this is alot of me saying no, my life is here and I have to live my life the way I want. Eventually she stopped asking.
Is it really true that you’re being selfish if you pursue your own life? Is it really true that to be a good daughter, you have to do everything your mom wants?
I am a 41 year old female and having a hard time not letting my mom control me. My mom was single mom, independent, type A personality, raising a type 1 diabetic from the age of 18 months old. We have never been that far apart. But recently I went through a divorce and want to move, me and my 14 year old son, to a different state to start over. I live in a small place and want to have my son experience a more different, exciting place to live. I have friend who live where I want to move. Childhood friends who are also diabetic. But my mom thinks I am trying to leave her. That I don’t want to live by her anymore. Thats not it! I just want a new life, MY OWN LIFE! My mom loves me, I know. But this has nothing to do with her. When I was going through my divorce, my husband at the time told her I was going to move to TX. She was so mad, didn’t talk to me for months, and was hateful. And she has told me that if i did move, she would disown me. Its not right. That was 3 years ago and she thinks now that the divorce has been done that I am not wanting to move. I have never said that, but it is never discussed on what I want. I have been saving for a down payment on a house for when I move. I just have to tell her that I am moving. I just don’t want to deal with her and the drama. Help! I have been reading Toxic Parents and it is helping me see that I need to take care of me but when you are person like me, it feels selfish.
Dear Ann,
How does your grandmother feel about what’s going on with your mother? If she’s open to moving to her son’s house, it sounds like it would be a better place for her. I don’t know how your grandma is doing, or how happy she is with your mom. It sounds like it’s not a happy situation at all, but sometimes people prefer to stay where they are. The hell they know is preferable to the hell they don’t know.
What does your grandmother want to do?
Dear Rhonda,
Your mom has put you in a very difficult position! It sounds like she’s lost touch with reality, which must be so difficult for your dad — and you, of course. But you can distance yourself, while your dad seems to have committed himself to taking care of her.
It’s admirable that you don’t want to abandon your dad. I think what I would do is talk to him about what he needs or would like from you. “Dad, how can I support you? What would help you – what can I do to help you?”
You may be surprised by his response; maybe he just wants to talk to you on the phone once a week. I don’t know what it would take for him to feel “abandoned” by you, but I do know that different people need different types of support. That is, he may not feel abandoned by you at all — whereas you in the same situation may feel abandoned.
I hope this makes sense! Talk to your dad, see what he says. Then you’ll have more information that will help you decide how to cope with your difficult mother.
Sincerely,
Laurie
I just received a 14 page letter from my mother today. It rambled a lot, told me how I needed to listen to her, talked about how the devil was using my dad to distract her while she wrote the letter and mentioned to the penny how much money she had spent on the children for Christmas. I have been criticized, judged my entire life and in the last 10 years or so been “tested” to see how I would react to certain situations so she could judge me. She see lights from angels and God talks to her. She has damaged me so badly that I turned down a job recently because she put so much doubt in my mind and this from 450 miles away. I moved to get away from her. The only thing making me hesitate is my dad. I feel like I would be abandoning him. I am just getting too old for this crap anymore and just want to take care of my kids without any of the craziness. Thanks.
I grew up with a dysfunctional, abusive and controlling mother. She quarrels with her mother who is 89 years old and blames her mother for everything bad that happened to her. After six years, I have returned home to visit with my teenaged kids and it is just terrible to see that this is still happening. She criticizes the kids and even went as far to call my daughter a dirty tramp just because she had on short pants. She spent last night from about 1 in the morning quarreling with my grandmother, while I just tried to contain myself. How does one cope with a parent like that? She initiates a quarrel almost everyday. No one likes to visit the house since my mother moved in, it is that bad and at this point I want to reconsider having my grandmother move to her son’s house, cutting my visit very short and return home. What is your advice?
Dear Sarah,
I always envied people who had both a mom and a dad growing up, and I never realized until I was about 35 years old that just because you have two parents doesn’t mean life is easy!
Your dad has said some mean things to you. A parent should never tell his child that he regrets having kids. That goes beyond having a difficult parent – I think it’s emotional abuse.
It’s not simple to forgive and move on. I often feel sad and disappointed about my parents and my childhood. Some days I feel like I’ve forgiven them, and other days I’m still angry and hurt.
Truthfully, it does get easier as I get older. I’m rarely mad at my parents, except at Christmas and Thanksgiving! Then, I wish I had a family. And I call my mom every second Sunday, and always feel so bad for her and me because of her schizophrenia.
My parents have never apologized either. I don’t think parents – especially the difficult ones – realize how much damage they do, and how their past behavior affects their adult children.
It is a good feeling reading through peoples stories and not feeling completely alone with my own. I am 24 and have struggled with my family my whole life. My mother and I no longer see as I decided she wasn’t good to have in my life and my father I barely see, and when I do I leave feeling angry and depressed. My mother is an alcoholic with many issues and put plainly, shouldn’t of ever had children- she had five. My father is an interesting case, after the separation when I was 3 he was left with three children (me and two brothers) to look after. He went through countless short term girlfriends trying to fill his void and re-make the family, but in doing so he neglected a lot of our needs. He has told me that he resents having had children as we made it hard for him to hold on to a partner. I believe he is only trying to shift blame. I do hold him more responsible for my bad childhood than my mother, as he was the one taking care of us and she was busy starting another dysfunctional family with someone else.
It is so hard to forgive your parents especially when they still continue the same behaviour and never apologise for it.
Bri, I’m glad you’ve found articles to help you deal with your difficult mom! The bottom line is that she loves you – and you realize that. There may also be things going on that you don’t realize…you’re at the beginning of your life and it’s very exciting. Maybe your mom isn’t coping well with that. Maybe her insecurity and attention-getting tactics are her way of expressing fear or other difficult emotions.
Joanna, it seems like you’re both independent and dependent on your parents! It’s really difficult to cut ties with parents and make it on our own, especially for us artistic creative types that find it hard to make a living doing what we love.
I wonder if the reason your parents aren’t supporting you is because they worry you won’t be able to support yourself as an actress? I don’t know for sure. What do you think? Are they deliberately trying to make life worse for you?
I am 22 years old and living at home. I work full-time and my parents agreed to let me live at home for a year after I graduated from college so that I could save money to buy a house. I am planning on moving out in about 6months. I love my parents, but my mom is very insecure and often starts fights me with and nags me as a way to get attention. If I do not bite then she will involve my dad who is a no-nonsense type of guy and very reasonable expect when it comes to his wife. He always has her side which I understand because it’s his wife. Unfortunately, the things my mom tells him are not always true. Tonight he talked to me about the fighting that has been going on between us lately and told me he is giving me another chance before he asks me to move out. What bothers me the most is that I love my dad, and I hate when issues with my mom drive a wedge between us. Even though I have issues with my parents, reading these blogs have given me some perspective. Yes, my mom is insecure, and yes, she exaggerates and even completely makes up things about me sometimes but I know she still loves me. I know that she only does it because she is trying to get my attention. I am going to try and be more grateful and patient with her, especially while I am still living at home. Thanks for sharing and helping me to be more appreciative of the situation I am in
I’m 34 and I’ve been dealing with depression and another mental disorder I do not like to identify as it’s been exploited in the media as of late. (I really would rather be treated like a regular person, which I will go into later.) I have lost my job, I am single and I have never lived on my own. The problem is, more and more I want to start my real career and go out of state as where I live has an unsteady TV and Film production flow, but I’m stuck with parents who are not being very supportive of my chosen career.
To be honest, I have felt they have been too overprotective of me because of my disorders. I’ve always wanted to be treated like everyone else, but telling me constantly “I couldn’t take rejection well” and thinking that having to place me into alternate school never helped at all. I even quit acting as a teenager because most of the teachers at school never cast me in a production or even gave me a fair chance. But it took me almost ten years to see they were wrong about this…my parents, those teachers…my first time out, I got a speaking part. And my confidence grew more and more that I was finally comfortable to start thinking about it seriously. I had one obstacle then and that was an inflexible job. However, I was fired last year, and it’s been hard finding work to support myself. Even if I’m finally performing in community theater again, I’m still upset that I cannot support myself. I have asked if they would help me financially, but they refuse. I can understand, but I really can’t put these things off any longer. I’ve even mentioned about moving down to Chicago and eventually to either Los Angeles or New York, but they seem to try to guilt me out of it. I won’t let them do that to me again, but I want them to realize that what they do is not helping me at all.
Again, I’m 34, I’m not letting a disorder consume me and I’m trying so hard to get my life to where I want it to be, but how do I get them to see all they’re doing is making it worse for me? They know very well I’m independent, but it seems that with all that’s happening, they don’t think I can take care of myself…what do I do?
My mother is diagnosed manic depressive and bipolar, so I know that most of the terrible stuff that happens and has happened is the fault of the disease. She sold or traded her medication to treat these conditions my whole life, to fund her other drug addictions, and has frequently used up any money she or my father made at various jobs as well.
She has routinely said incredibly hurtful and awful things to my face, in email, to my friends, and on my facebook page. I’m talking very very hurtful, unnecessary, and incriminating things, such as calling me a whore or straight out fat. Then whenever I don’t talk to her to try to avoid this, she calls me worthless and a terrible daughter. I just don’t even know what to do anymore.
And then we get to my father, who is immensely insecure, depressed, and passive, and could not help me deal with my mother at all. My two brothers were spared my experiences for the most part, because for some reason or other my mother preferred them (and admitted it openly). Now my dad thinks I hate him because of the lies my mother tells him, and keeps sending pitiful emails asking what he did wrong. I do send him emails and talk to him on facebook, but I am uncomfortable talking on the phone with anyone anyway because of anxiety issues likely stemming from my experiences, let alone my mom, and if I talk to Dad Mom will be right over his shoulder.
I have worked my ass off at the age of 16 to pay for a hotel room for my entire family to live in. I have dealt with verbal blow after verbal blow, physical fights from my younger brother who is always right, and everything is unnecessary. I live nine hours away and it still isn’t far enough. Every time I feel like my life is going well this drama gets stirred up again and I am so very fed up. I am 22 years old. I have to move on with my life.
WOOOOW!!! I TOO FEEL GUILTY MOST OF THE TIMES FOR THE BAD RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH MY MOTHER. SHE CONSTANTLY PUTS ME DOWN, WHEN I DO SPEAK AND TRY TO LET HER KNOW SHE HURTS ME SHE LEAVES OR JUST PLAIN TELLS ME IF YOU DIDN’T SAY THAT BEFORE WHY SAY IT NOW THAT I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT. SHE’S KILLED ME AND BURIED ME SO MANY TIMES…… I WOULD NEVER SAY SUCH THINGS TO MY CHILDREN NEVER. SHE RESENTS ME BECAUSE SHE HELPED ME RAISE MY OLDEST DAUGHTER AND SAYS SHE CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY??? MY DAUGHTER LOVES ME AND TRUSTS ME SOOO MUCH IF SHE’S THE ONE WHO RAISED HER. I TRY TO UNDERSTAND HER I REALLY TRY BUT I’M TIRED OF TRYING.
I was thinking just today that if a forum such as this didn’t exist, I would set one up myself. What a relief to find this. I thought I was the only one. My parents divorced when I was 3 and have remained single and, unusually, both have lots of acquaintances but no very close friends. The guilt this has given my sister and me is huge. I moved away from my home town 18 years ago and while it gave me the liberty I craved, it had also resulte in much more contact via phone calls and visits home. My mum is wealthy and well-bred yet married my dad, a working class man with a chip on his shoulder and a control freak problem, and my mum talks regularly about how life has slipped her by because of her awful marriage, and how everyone else has lovely lives and (I quote) lovely families.
My dad doesn’t talk in that way, but does expect me to act and be a certain way – cheerful, happy, enthusiastic. To desist has caused huge rows and I’m not prepared to go down that route any longer.
I never feel I will ever be good enough for my parents – mum, because I couldn’t replace what she lost in childhood (her parents committed suicide when she was tragically young) and my dad, because I’ve not achieved anything in terms of glowing career, success, superb marriage.
This is how it is and I realised today I would never be good enough, and that this charade will continue until one or all of us are no longer here.
Sad, isn’t it? But how nice that we can support each other on here. And both parents have fantastic qualities, don’t get me wrong. Yet as a very sensitive soul I need to share my occasional suffering!
I apreciate everyone’s story. I am 33 yearold professional male and who is coping from growing up with essentially four parents ( literally just two- a mom and a dad). What I mean is that they both posses tremendous amounts of love in their hearts, which they have shown my sister and I throughout our lives, However, they both my mother and father had and still have destructive and unhealthy sides to their personalities. Mom, who was emotionally abused by her family, was brutally verbaly abusive towards my sister, father and myself. Also, my father was critical and physicall abusive of my sister, mother and me. Growing up, I actually had to pull my father off of my mother while he was choking her. Also, despite protecting my sister from abuse, I feel my older siser never protected me when I was subjected to abuse. Whats more, my sister invalidated my hurt feelings, by saying she was abused more then me. ( Despite her selfish inclinations, she is also loving and generous-as she has inquired about my well being as and adult and has lent me money in recent years). Only recently did I learn from my therapist that my home and family life was uniquenly unhealthy, becuase my folks and sister had so many great and loving attributes, yet could also be verbally and physically abusive at any time, my sense of trust was diminished-due to me never konw what to expect in homelife. I could have been embrased with love, or, unexpectedly steped into explosive mindful of emotions. I never knew what to expect. The clinical term for this tumoltous dynamic, is ” Crazy Making”. Now, after years of therapy, twelve step recovey, spiritual healing and practicing good health and nutrition, I still resent these people. Although, I have not seen my parents and sister being overtly abusive to anyone in the past five years or so, I still witness their pscyhological unhealthyness (They all have depression and somesort of anxiety), which they do not seek treatment for. The truth is, I resent my family today, not for harm they have done to themselves, eachother and myself, but because they never sought help to change. My parents are older now and I do care and love for them and my sister, so I want to keep working on myself to maintain serenity when I am around them. I hate saying it, but I have no control over them, I can only change how I except them-which can be with anger that will only kill me, or loving kindness. Son of a bitch, I hate saying this, they don’t have to change, but my attitude towards them. I am not making excuses for the harmy they have caused, I am only excepting responsibility formyse.
Omg I am at my ropes end. My mother has to be right about EVERYTHING and when you try and voice an opnion she either reacts with anger or she tears up and plays the victim. I am so over being frustrated and or feeling guilty.
My parents divorced when I was young and I was essentially raised by my Mother and and my other “parent” was her sister married four times to successively wealthier men but not a role model.It has taken me a lifetime to see the damage my childhood caused me. When I was married my Mother always interfered.It wasnt until I hit my forties and friends would comment that uI began to realize how controlling my Mother is and how destructive some of her fussy nit picking nastiness has been. I am slim and attractive but she always finds fault your hair is horrible etc.I had a therapist friend (a neighbor and an acquaintance I was not her patient)who met my Mother briefly and though she never came out and said it she told me it would be great f I could move away from my Mother.My Mother is charming and has many friends( mostly superficial but one bizarre one with a much younger neighbor who has his own issues but adores her) but she is an awful Mother and it has taken me the better part of a lifetime to come to grips with that.My Mother has helped me financially but she has always berated me as an only child it is hard to deal with such an abusive parent who on one hand gives and on the other hand can not stop admonishing and criticising