Help for Grieving Spouses – A Widow Shares How She Survived
The Heartbreak of Losing Your Spouse - How Will You Survive?
These tips for grieving widows or widowers are from a wife who lost her husband after a long battle with Parkinson’s. Here, she shares how she survived – and how you can too.
When you’re mourning, remember:
“If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble,” said Moliere.
Accepting – and maybe even embracing – loss may be one of the healthiest ways to cope with death. For more tips for grieving widows and widowers, read Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief.
And, read on for four tips for grieving widows, and how Kathleen Airdrie coped with the death of her husband.
Help for Grieving Spouses – A Widow Shares How She Survived
There’s no “normal” response to death. Everybody is different, which means you’ll grieve differently than a family member or coworker. Accepting yourself and others’ response to death is an important part of the grieving process! These tips for grieving widows or widowers can help you accept other people’s ways of mourning.
1. Join a grief support group. Being with people who have experienced similar losses can help you cope with your grief. Just knowing you’re not alone can be reassuring; spending time with people who care helps you deal with your painful feelings. If you don’t find the bereavement group to be supportive, don’t be afraid to try a different one! And, joining a grief support group for widowers or widowers will show you how others cope with loss — which will help with your own mourning process.
2. Learn how “cybergrieving” works. Many people are now using sites like MySpace and their own personal blogs to deal with their feelings about the death of a loved one. To deal with grief, visit the blog or website of your loved one and write to them on it. You can write poetry, letters, songs, or even a one-liner, simply stating how you feel and what you think. This tip for grieving widowers or widowers involves finding different or unusual ways to let go of someone you love.
3. Let go of the past slowly. Feeling your grief, anger, guilt, and all your emotions is important. Let yourself grieve. You may feel like your heart will break or you’ll fall into a black pit and never get out – but you have to feel your feelingsbefore you can heal. Letting go of the past through expression of your feelings is healthy way to grieve for widows and widowers.
4. Remember that time heals – that old cliche! Time does heal when you’re surviving the death of a spouse. Whether it completely heals ALL wounds is a different story, but it does dull the pain a little. Your feelings of loss and sadness may never go away, but with time your heavy burden of sadness will lighten.
Sharing your experience with grief is one of the best ways to heal. If you’d like to tell your story of how you lost your spouse, I welcome your comments below.
You may also be interested in 5 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend or 5 Tips for Dealing With Grief Over the Holidays.
A Grieving Widow Survives Her Husband’s Death and Rediscovers Her Inner Strength
Guest Post ~ Kathleen Airdrie
My husband bravely, but with sadness, faced the truth of his fading good health and active life. He was a man who loved the outdoors, our canoe journeys on the rivers and lakes, and our gardens. A musician, he entertained at community events that included wedding receptions and charitable functions.
The diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease was frightening because we knew that there was no cure. Throughout the following six years as his condition worsened we cried together often. Deprived of his balance, he couldn’t enjoy the canoe, and with the tremors increasing and his strength lessening, he could not play his fiddle. We faced it together, in our home, until pneumonia ended his life one cold February day.
After his death, a profound sense of loss overwhelmed me. Family members were helpful, but I had the terrible and terrifying feeling of being lost – away from myself. I could hear their voices, understand the actual words, but not really comprehend enough to participate in real conversations.
My meals were merely snacks; enough to sustain me. Sleep was fitful. The loneliness and pervading sense of loss weighed heavily on me. A wonderful friend who truly listened to me and was supportive during my darkest days, shared my first ‘breakthrough’ moment with me. About three months after my husband’s death I told her that a family member reacted angrily to my response that I was just sort of coping. Raising her voice, she told me to ‘get over it’.
I told my friend about how that remark made me sad, but mostly angry, then suddenly realized that the spark of anger was something I’d not felt since my husband’s death. We saw that as a hopeful sign.
While giving all of my attention and energies to the gardens that summer I gradually regained my physical and emotional strengths. I began to eat better meals and sleep through most nights. Sometimes I sat in the garden and cried then continued the work with my renewed sense of purpose. While walking through my gardens a friend commented, “I know how difficult this year has been for you. Your garden is your victory.”
From that day I knew that I would be all right, or as all right as possible under the circumstances. No longer a recluse as I was during those awful months, I became involved in a few community activities again and travelled occasionally to visit family members. Most importantly, I was taking care of myself.
Now, it’s not all sadness, it’s not all loneliness, it’s not all wonderful or humorous. It is a combination of all of those, as are most peoples’ lives.
Kathleen’s tips for grieving spouses:
- Tell a family member or close friend what you need, whether it’s a good meal, a good listener or help with daily chores.
- Try to acknowledge the legitimacy of your feelings; be patient with yourself.
- While reminiscing with family members or friends, don’t let feelings of guilt intrude if you hear the sound of laughter from them or yourself
For more tips for widows or widowers, read 5 Steps to Grieving the End of a Love Relationship.
You can visit Kathleen Airdrie at Suite101, where she’s a Contributing Writer.
Related Articles:
- How Do You Help a Grieving Friend? 5 Ideas and Tips
- Dealing With Grief at Christmas – 5 Steps for Baby Boomers
- When Your Friend Loses a Loved One – How to Help
Category: Emotional Health Tips, Grief & Recovery Tips, Healing
Hi,
I am a widower seeking friendship but can’t find anywhere in my area that could help me. I’ve looked at dating sites but a little bit wary about them. Could you advise?
November the 26th 2011 is the day that has instantly changed my life! This past Saturday morning my boyfriend kissed me on the forehead as i slept in, he was leaving to go hunting behind the house with his oldest son and his brother. He asked me to go to the store when i woke up for a few items. At 7:59 am he sent me a picture message of his deer he shot and his son also got one. I left for the store at 8:25 am. While i was gone they drug their deers to the edge of the field behind our house. I accidentally left my phone in the car. When I got back to my car at 9 am I realized I had missed about 20 phone calls from the last 15 min. I called back. His youngest daughter told me to come home something was wrong. I called 911 and try to find out where they where taking him and they said no where to go to my home. At that moment I knew something terrible had happened. I raced back to the house with the dispatchers on the phone the whole time. I pulled up and he was gone. At the bottom of our back yard his lifeless body laid under a white sheet. I miss him so much already! I still don’t understand or believe it! We were suppose to get married soon and have children together. Im lost! I buried my love yesterday. I feel crushed and lifeless! I watched them close his casket and I will never see his body or touch him again. I want him back! I want him back! I don’t understand why a good hearted loving man with a hugh family and many friends and loved ones had to die so young (42 yrs old) while rapist and murderers live. Why couldn’t have been someone else!
Dear Sheila,
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s actions — that’s scary, and I’m so glad you survived!
It sounds like the shock and disbelief has worn off, and you’re feeling the emotional pain of not just losing your husband, but what he did to you.
Please call a distress line, or talk to a counselor. You’re not going through the “normal” grieving that widows do…yours is much more intense and serious. You need guidance and support, which your family and friends may not be able to provide.
Please call someone for help, for in person help. Let me know how you’re doing now…
Blessings,
Laurie
I lost my husband Aug.09 he shot me twice and then shot himself. I was in ICU for 5 weeks,did not get to go to his services he was cremated. I have spent the last year traveling and staying on the go. But all of a sudden I don’t have what it takes. I haven’t had a good night sleep since this happen but now I don’t even want to get out of bed if I do I just lay around in my pjs and I cry all the time about eveything. I don’t have anyone to talk to my family don’t understand nor do I, why it has hit me so hard all of a sudden. I’m just looking for suggestion and any help I can find.
Dear Rose,
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
I wish you all the best in your relationship with this widower. It sounds like he’s having a really difficult time moving on, which is understandable after 50 years of marriage!
Laurie
I am dating a widower who lost his wife 16 months ago. They had been together almost fifty years. I have encouraged him to talk about her as I felt that it was important for him to do so. She was a very strong part of his history and therefore what he would discuss in holding up his end of a conversation. We are quite close and yet I have been having difficulty lately as he carries her picture as his wallpaper on his telephone. He also still wears his wedding band.
Your comments and notes above have been most helpful in getting my mind around what is going on with him. I believe that he is so worth it, that I will wait for him to decide when to change the location of these strong reminders of the past.
Dear Violet,
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband, and how awful it was for you and him.
I urge you to find a support group for grieving widows and widowers — and in-person group that meets regularly. You’re not alone; there are so many sad widows and widowers who are broken hearted. Being together can make you feel better, and less alone. It won’t bring your husband back, but at least you’ll find comfort by not being alone.
Please find an in-person support group. Will you do that?
Blessings,
Laurie
at the age of 66 my husband of 48 years suffered horrendous pain due to bone cancer spread from colon,nine months i watched him slip away and was beside myself,,he was buried on christmas eve 2007 and so many family and friends did not come because it would ruin their christmas eve,what about me and my grown children,i am in such a bad state of mind yet i cry day and night and pray not to wake up,I have no friends since my husband was all i needed and i was all he wanted,so much in love .knowing someone 50 years and being alone without a soul to talk to or smile ,i just sit and stare at his picture on the wall day and night till it is time to go to bed and cry myself to sleep,am so alone I wish the lord would call me to end this pain and suffering,it is like ripping my heart out everyday,i dont know what to do and it scares me,I am 70years old ,some say still young but a broken hearted woman
Dear Jack,
I’m so sorry to hear about your wife…and yes, you ARE grieving the loss of your wife as she was when you met, and throughout your marriage.
Losing a spouse slowly, like you are, can be more painful than a sudden death.
But, it’s great that you’ve found ways to alleviate your pain and stress. It’s so important to take care of yourself by keeping up with your hobbies, and finding things that make you feel better.
I encourage you to join a support group for widowers and widows, even though your wife is still with you. You’ll find comfort and understanding there, and it may make it easier when you make the final decision to say good-bye.
I wish you all the best, and welcome you back anytime.
Blessings,
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post blog ..Help Sticking to Your Budget – 5 Steps to Achieving Financial Freedom =-.
A month ago, my wife and I were fine. She’s been on disability for 5 years, but I mean, we got her a motorized chair, we went out, we shopped, we got up every morning and I fixed the coffee and she was my best of best friends, my lover, my companion through thick and then. We’ve lived here since early in our marriage which was 27 years, 9 months ago. We still loved each other deeply. She’s had this sleep apnea. Suddenly, she was falling all the time. She finally lost control of her legs. I got her admitted to the hospital, she had a blood electrolyte imbalance. I didn’t realize how serious it was. They transferred her for testing to Sugar Land, Texas. About 3 days there, I get home from visiting her, I get a call that she’s in serious condition. I’d just talked to her and her nurse had said he didn’t think she needed to be in ICU. She had a respiratory arrest and they didn’t get her tracheotomy done before she had brain damage. They wanted me to sign a DNR, to let her go, but they said she’s not brain dead. But, she was getting loopy with the lack of O2 and CO2 buildup in her blood. I fear her conscious mind may be damaged. She will open her eyes, responds to my voice, then at other times she won’t. Sometimes she moves her mouth as if trying to speak. The case manager tells me that’s all reflex. I don’t know, I’m losing hope, but I’m having her put in an intensive care hospice in Lubbock, the nearest they could find for her in her condition, and will not be able to visit her there very often, it being 600 miles away.
No, she’s still breathing, on a ventilator, but I fear I’ve lost her and that I will eventually have to sign those DNR papers. I’ve been losing my mind, fits of emotion, lack of sleep, I walk around the house, I lack the desire to do anything. Everything I see reminds me of her. I don’t know if I’ll ever enjoy life again. I don’t like being alone. I want her back, but I know I can’t have her back.
So, I figure to give her a couple of years, then consider the situation. Her endocrine system and her renal system are functioning fine. If that starts to go, then I’ll have to evaluate the situation. Meantime, I’m losing hope. I pray for her, I pray for God to take me, too. I just want to be with her. I’ve got no reason to exist without her.
She’s not gone, yet, not physically, but I’m just losing hope that she’ll be able to recover. I don’t know that there’s enough left of her. I don’t want her to suffer, but if there’s any hope at all, I don’t want to sign those papers and in effect, kill her. I find that only staying busy keeps me from thinking too much. I have hobbies, I am retired at 58, but I repair small engines and lawn equipment in my shop and have a part time job two days a week, for 3 hours. I don’t dare go fishing. Too much time to think when you’re fishing. Hunting season is over. Riding my motorcycle even gives me too much time to think.
Last few days, the fits of emotion have receded a little. I still think of her, but don’t break down as much. I’m still miserable. I do NOT want to have to make the decision to unplug that machine and let her pass. I just cannot do that at this time. What if God does give us a miracle? What if I’d have not let her have the chance? I know it’s slim. but while the case manager assured me the docs all think she’s gone, they wouldn’t tell me to my face that she had no chance.
I’m not yet, I don’t think, technically a widower, though I feel like one. So, sorry if I’m breaking any rules of the site or something. I am on various BBSs pertaining to my hobbies and am receiving support and talking about it helps a little. Maybe the loneliness will recede eventually, maybe not. Chatting on line seems to help and chatting about hobbies seems to get my mind off it, however temporary. At lest it lets my eyes quit hurting.
I kept my grand-baby tonight while my daughter went to church. Her husband is in San Antonio doing pre-deployment training, national guard. Even my grand-daughter seems to be pulling away from me now days without grandma around. I play with her, but it’s not the same. I guess, life just sucks.
Dear Jo,
I’m so sorry to hear about your experience…that’s very heartbreaking and sad. I’m not a widow (or widower, for that matter!), and I’m not grieving the loss of my spouse. But, I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss.
Blessings,
Laurie
My husband of 48 years committed suicide four months ago. He was always a physiclly active indivual who put high value on his health and fitness. When he began a very rapid physical decline- weight loss and neurological symptoms for which he as ungoing tests, which had all been negative up to the time of his suicide- he convinced himself that what he had was not only progressive, but irreversible. He could not face a future with such a diminshed quality of life. I found his body.
I have been seeing a psychiatrist who has experience with complicated grief and it is helping. He has helped me put the guilt and resentment in perspective and I actually no longer have those feelings. I am now working on the feelings of hopelessness for the future and have a long way to go. Sleepnessless is still an issue. However, I have found that recently I have resorted m*******tion at bedtime as a coping mechanism which makes me feel better and sleep better, but I am reluctant to discuss with him ( I am from an older generation – I am 71 years old.) It seems harmless enough – non-one else is involved and it does not seem destructive. Has anyone else going through grief recovery from suicide found this to be helpful?
Dear Barbara,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re still grieving your husband, and that he passed on 9/11. That’s heartbreaking…and not something anyone can easily get over.
It sounds like your new husband loves you very much; you’re a lucky woman to have found all that love in one lifetime! He cares for you and wants you to be happy…and you’re an insightful, self-aware woman to recognize that you may not want to be happy, deep down.
I encourage you to talk to a grief counselor about how to mourn your lost husband, and how to be happy in your remarriage. You CAN resolve your grief and learn to enjoy this stage of life…but I think you need support that your husband, friends, or family can’t give you.
Please call a therapist or psychologist, and start taking care of yourself and your marriage! Let me know how it goes…
I wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
I’m still grieving my husband that passed on 9/11. I’m remarried to a wonderful man, but I don’t think I allowed myself to grieve my first husband properly, well I know I didnt, because it would just hurt too much. Now its affecting my marriage and my husband always says things like do you love me as much as him, etc. Its frustrating and I’m depressed. I’ve made so many poor choices because I think deep down I didnt deserve to be happy. And I’ve tried talking to him, but I think he just wants a happy wife because he treats me so well. I try to tell him its not about him, its just something I cant help. What do I do. Its made me angry toward my now husband and resentful. Why cant I just have my own feelings?
my relationship, 9 months with a widower i adored, even loved. he loved me, he didn’t, he could, he couldn’t. i will. i won’t. i’m so patient, loving, accepting. but finally, i felt like i was in a threesome. like i wasn’t deserving of love. only she could get that.
he would decline invitations, blame it on his kids, etc. and one day said he wasn’t treating me well bec. he realized, with his therapist, that being in a loving and committed relationship would me he was accepting her death, and he didn’t want to give up her ghost. i said she is gone, and whether or not he is with me or home watching t.v., she is gone. i always accepted their love, but i am a person, and i have to be treated well, or else i will be gone, too.
about a minute later i got a bad feeling in my stomach, and I wrote to him, and said:
“i’ll make it easier for you. you can have the ghost. i’m gone.”
it was almost a painful relief. i don’t want to be made to feel unworthy. so, if you are in a relationship with a widow, or widower, and it is not about YOU….i think that means it’s time to move on.
boo hoo. and i thought he was special. he is. but not now, or not for me.
Val
Hmmm…interesting. Do you even want to be in this relationship, Anna? You’ve asked twice if you should stay, and I wonder if you’re looking for a reason to leave.
Ask yourself the question you’ve asked here: do YOU think you should stay in this relationship? And, if you think you should leave, are you leaving for the right reasons? (The wrong reason to leave is that you’re scared, or hiding from something, or are motivated by other unhealthy reasons).
It’s okay to leave a relationship that isn’t working for you. It’ll hurt you, and it’ll hurt other people…but it’s OKAY.
I like what Kathleen said about talking about your feelings. I’d explain how I feel about his not coming back when I wanted, and how I felt about the bracelet. Maybe he is fixated on his wife in an unhealthy way — I don’t know.
Are you being controlling? There’s a fine line between expressing your wishes to other people (having his wife’s perfume in the bathroom makes you uncomfortable)versus wanting them to do what you want (he should put the perfume away, he should come back when you want).
Please don’t take offense to anything I’m saying — and I’m not saying you ARE controlling. I’m just pointing out what I’m seeing. I could be totally off base.
In your previous comment, you mentioned praying to our Lord for guidance. Maybe you could sit down with your pastor, reverend, or Father and talk this through. If not a pastor, a couples counselor might also be helpful. Getting an objective perspective would help both you and your sweetheart see where things are going off the rails.
What do you think?
Laurie
Hello Anna Marie,
I can certainly understand your concerns.
Do the children live with you? How old is his son? How is your relationship with the children?
Is it possible that, as he has tried to fill the void in his children’s lives for seven years, he is determined to continue with that? The children may have a very strong need to hold on to the one parent they have, and he cannot or will not say no to them.
I’m a true believer in open communication. Could you ask him (carefully) about the decisions he made and decide together how such a situation would be handled in the future?
With regard to the bracelet, is it possible that as it’s for A Race for the Cure he made a contribution to the cause in memory of his wife, but also as a hope that the cure will be found and you will be well?
I know that I’ve offered more questions than answers, but sometimes when we’re in the middle of a dilemna we need to sit back and consider all aspects of the situation.
I wish you well, and hope this is helpful to you.
Regards,
Kathleen
Laurie,
Just this past weekend, my boyfriend just dropped all of our plans for the 4th of July to go to Dallas to pick up his children because his 13 year old daughter did not want to fly back by herself. I understand that she was scared and he needed to go pick her up but why did he not come back on Friday morning? He left Thursday of last week and just got back on Sunday. I asked him to please come back on Friday so we can spend the 4th of July together and he said he couldn’t because his children wanted to stay in Dallas to go to the Rain Forest on Sunday for his son’s Birthday Lunch.
Yesterday, when I saw him for breakfast, he gave me a silver braclet with a Race for the Cure Ribbon on it. He said it reminded him of me. His wife died of Breast Cancer 7 years ago. When he gave it to me I said Thank you and told him it was beautiful! What else could I say? Inside it made me feel so sad that he would buy me something that reminded him of his wife. I do not have breast cancer and I am not a survivor! What should I do? Do I continue to stay in this relationship and continue to feel second? He says he loves me but it is hard for me to believe.
I’m glad we could help, Anna Marie!
Grieving as a widow or widower is definitely complicated when children are involved — but it sounds like you have a great relationhip with his kids. The conversation you had with his daughter sounds healthy and honest.
I don’t think the perfume in the bathroom will hold your relationship back — unless you let it. For them, it’s been there for so long, they probably don’t even notice it anymore! But the perfume represents something different to you, which is affecting your relationships.
It’s only been 6 months….building strong, connected relationships takes time and sharing experiences together. And, if you do end up in a more serious relationship (getting married or living together), you might want to consider them moving out of that house, so you can all start fresh in a new place together. This may be jumping the gun, though!
Good luck and stay in touch,
Laurie
Kathleen and Laurie
Thank you so much for your suggestions! I do have children of my own and they have grown attached to him as well as I have. I am trying to work on the relationship I have with his children. I know it is very difficult for them to trust anyone to come into their lives. Yes, I am the first woman whom he has brought around his children and I have been the only person who has had a meaningful relationship with him and his children. At first his children were stand offish towards me. His 13 year old daughter saw me as a threat to her, she felt I was going to take all of her Daddy’s love away from her. I had a conversation with her and told her I would be a friend to her if she ever needed anyone to talk to. I would never try to replace her mother nor would I ever try to take her fathers love away from her. I told her I knew how much her father meant to her. Ever since we had this conversation she has opened up to me even more than ever. They are wonderful children! His resoning for having her perfume in his bathroom is because his daughter does not want to take it out of his bathroom. I told him to encourage her to put it her room or bathroom. To be honest with you it did not affect me at first, but now it is beginning to bother me because I feel it will hold our relationship back. I do not know? I will just take day by day and pray to Lord for his guidance.
Thank you!
Kathleen’s right: there is so much to consider!
I don’t think there is any “normal” when you’re dating a widower. Everyone deals with grief differently — and I wouldn’t recommend that you stop seeing him so quickly! The stuff he has around is less important than how well you get along, how you feel about him, and your relationship with his kids (and his with yours, if you have children).
My experience was similar: my husband had items left over from his previous relationship — and they bugged the heck out of me! (He wasn’t a widower, though). Furniture, dishes, books….he never got rid of them. I thought it was because he didn’t want to let go of the past, but I was wrong. He just didn’t bother to replace them with new stuff.
I agree with Kathleen, that it’d be good to talk to him about it. Is he holding on to those items for a reason? And of course, he’ll always have some pictures of her around…just not all over the place, I hope!
Also — are you the first person he’s dated since his wife passed away? That might matter. Perhaps he just hasn’t bothered to put her stuff away because there was no reason to…and he doesn’t realize that it affects you. You need to talk to him about that.
I hope this helps, and I’m curious what you think about our suggestions!
Best wishes,
Laurie
Hello Anna,
There is so much to consider in your situation. How is your relationship with the children? Is he ‘holding on’ because of their feelings, or his own? Perhaps it just hasn’t occurred to him that it’s OK to make changes.
I believe that open communication is extremely important in relationships. Perhaps, in a neutral location (not his home), when you believe that it’s appropriate, you could carefully approach the subject and talk it out with him.
I hope this is helpful.
Regards
I have been dating a wonderful man for 6 months now. He has two beautiful children who lost their mother at the age of one and six years of age. It has been seven years since she has passed. He still continues to have her perfumes in their bathroom and pictures all over his house and office. Is this normal? Should I stay around?