Help for Widows and Widowers – A Story of Loss, Survival, and Peace

This widow knows grief – she lost her husband after a long battle with Parkinson’s. She offers help for widowers and widows who are grieving loss by sharing she survived – and how you can too.

When you’re mourning, remember:

“If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble,” said Moliere.

Accepting – and maybe even embracing – loss may be one of the healthiest ways to cope with death. This means feeling your pain, sharing it with others, and finding the best ways for you to heal.

If you feel helpless and hopeless – and can barely believe you’re a widow or widower – read Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief.  Here’s what one person said about this book: “Healing After Loss has incredibly insight, hope, understanding and some new ideas delivered in small doses (the tiny shafts of light in the darkness). Since concentration levels are so affected during grieving, the one page entries are easy to read or skip, if you need a one that will more fit your moment. With grief, at least for me, it seems like my mood and outlook can change so much within a couple days – this book fills many needs.”

And here’s how one widow – writer Kathleen Airdrie – coped with the death of her husband. She also shares tips for widows and widowers.

Help for Widows and Widowers

There’s no “normal” response to death. Everybody is different, which means you’ll grieve differently than a family member or coworker. Accepting yourself and others’ response to death is an important part of the grieving process!

These tips for grieving widows or widowers can help you accept other people’s ways of mourning, and identify your own “best ways” to grieve.

Join a grief support group

Being with people who have experienced similar losses can help you cope with your grief. Just knowing you’re not alone can be reassuring; spending time with people who care helps you deal with your painful feelings. If you don’t find the bereavement group to be supportive, don’t be afraid to try a different one! And, joining a grief support group for widowers or widowers will show you how others cope with loss — which will help with your own mourning process.

Learn how “cybergrieving” works

Many people are now using sites like MySpace and their own personal blogs to deal with their feelings about the death of a loved one. To deal with grief, visit the blog or website of your loved one and write to them on it. You can write poetry, letters, songs, or even a one-liner, simply stating how you feel and what you think. This tip for grieving widowers or widowers involves finding different or unusual ways to let go of someone you love.

Let go of the past slowly

Feeling your grief, anger, guilt, and all your emotions is important. Let yourself grieve. You may feel like your heart will break or you’ll fall into a black pit and never get out – but you have to feel your feelingsbefore you can heal. Letting go of the past through expression of your feelings is healthy way to grieve for widows and widowers.

Remember that time heals – that old cliche!

Time does heal when you’re surviving the death of a spouse. Whether it completely heals ALL wounds is a different story, but it does dull the pain a little. Your feelings of loss and sadness may never go away, but with time your heavy burden of sadness will lighten.

Sharing your experience with grief is one of the best ways to heal. If you’d like to tell your story of how you lost your spouse, I welcome your comments below.

You may also be interested in 5 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend or 5 Tips for Dealing With Grief Over the Holidays.

How This Widow Rediscovered Her Inner Strength - A Story of Loss, Survival, and Peace

Guest Post ~ Kathleen Airdrie

My husband bravely, but with sadness, faced the truth of his fading good health and active life.  He was a man who loved the outdoors, our canoe journeys on the rivers and lakes, and our gardens.  A musician, he entertained at community events that included wedding receptions and charitable functions.

The diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease was frightening because we knew that there was no cure.  Throughout the following six years as his condition worsened we cried together often.  Deprived of his balance, he couldn’t enjoy the canoe, and with the tremors increasing and his strength lessening, he could not play his fiddle. We faced it together, in our home, until pneumonia ended his life one cold February day.

After his death, a profound sense of loss overwhelmed me.  Family members were helpful, but I had the terrible and terrifying feeling of being lost – away from myself. I could hear their voices, understand the actual words, but not really comprehend enough to participate in real conversations.

My meals were merely snacks; enough to sustain me. Sleep was fitful.  The loneliness and pervading sense of loss weighed heavily on me. A wonderful friend who truly listened to me and was supportive during my darkest days, shared my first ‘breakthrough’ moment with me. About three months after my husband’s death I told her that a family member reacted angrily to my response that I was just sort of coping.  Raising her voice, she told me to ‘get over it’.

I told my friend about how that remark made me sad, but mostly angry, then suddenly realized that the spark of anger was something I’d not felt since my husband’s death.  We saw that as a hopeful sign.

While giving all of my attention and energies to the gardens that summer I gradually regained my physical and emotional strengths. I began to eat better meals and sleep through most nights.  Sometimes I sat in the garden and cried then continued the work with my renewed sense of purpose.  While walking through my gardens a friend commented, “I know how difficult this year has been for you.  Your garden is your victory.”

From that day I knew that I would be all right, or as all right as possible under the circumstances.  No longer a recluse as I was during those awful months, I became involved in a few community activities again and travelled occasionally to visit family members.  Most importantly, I was taking care of myself.

Now, it’s not all sadness, it’s not all loneliness, it’s not all wonderful or humorous.  It is a combination of all of those, as are most peoples’ lives.

Kathleen’s tips for grieving spouses:

• Tell a family member or close friend what you need, whether it’s a good meal, a good listener or help with daily chores.
• Try to acknowledge the legitimacy of your feelings; be patient with yourself.
• While reminiscing with family members or friends, don’t let feelings of guilt intrude if you hear the sound of laughter from them or yourself.

For more helpful tips for widows or widowers, read Starting Over in Your 60s – After Your Husband Dies.

If one of your family members is having trouble accepting loss, read When Your Spouse Withdraws Because of Grief.

If you’d like to share your own story of loss, please comment below. Sometimes the best way to get help as a widow or widower is to express your feelings.

You can visit Kathleen Airdrie at Suite101, where she’s a Contributing Writer.

Tags: finances for widows, husband's death, mourning loss and healing

Category: Emotional Health Tips, Grief & Recovery Tips, Healing