Getting Over an Addictive Relationship – How to Kick the Love Drug
Are You Addicted to Love? Kick the Drug Habit...
How do you get over an addictive relationship? Think of it like a love drug – and work hard to kick the habit!
These tips for healing from addictive relationships are practical and effective, and they’ll help you stay away from someone who’s not good for you.
Breaking up is hard to do, especially when you can’t stop obsessing about the one you love.
Before the tips, here’s one of my favorite quips about letting go:
“Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.” ~ unknown.
Breaking up with an addictive person can make you stronger and healthier in the long run…if you can just get past the pain and heartache of letting go of someone you love.
And, here are seven ways to get over an addictive relationship…
Getting Over an Addictive Relationship – How to Kick the Love Drug
If you’re not sure what an addictive relationship is, read 7 Signs of Addictive Relationships.
1. Enlist a strong support system. Ask your friend, sister, or someone you trust to be your “go to” person. Then, when you feel compelled to call or visit your ex, call your “go to person” instead. She or he will help you remember why you broke up, why you need to let go of this addictive relationship, and how happy and healthy you will be once the worst heartache has passed.
2. Make a list of reasons for breaking up. When you’ve lost someone you love, you may be tempted to obsess about the best parts of your relationship. You may magnifiy your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend’s strengths — and forget about their weaknesses and flaws. Instead of obsessing about your ex, make a list of the reasons your life is better now that you’re single. Pull this list out when you feel lonely or sad.
3. Do something different — make a change in your life! Take a scuba diving class, go on a singles cruise, or join a hiking club in your city. Do something unexpected, something you’ve always wanted to do but were too busy or scared to try. This tip for getting over an addictive relationship has all sorts of additional benefits: you’ll enjoy meeting new people and expanding your horizons – which can translate to increased self-confidence.
4. Cleanse your life: out with the old, in with the new. To heal from a break up, you need to cleanse your life. This means putting, throwing, or giving away everything that your ex gave you or left behind. Deal with everything that you accumulated as a couple, or that reminds you of your ex. This tip serves a double purpose: you’ll declutter you home at the same time!
5. Focus inward — but not on your heartbreak. What have you done lately to achieve your goals? Start thinking about the things you’ve always wanted to change about your career, personality, health, life, home, or relationships. Start thinking about your overall life goals, and write down small steps to achieving your goals.
6. Take a vacation from your daily life. You may not be able to afford a trip to Maui or Belize, but you might be able to take a day trip to a nearby city or town. Getting out of your everyday surroundings is a great tip for getting over an addictive relationship because it pulls you out of your normal life!
7. Get and stay physically healthy. Taking care of yourself means staying away from the carton of ice cream (a classic way to heal from breaking up with someone). Instead, stay in the “sweat zone.” Don’t give up on your fitness routine — you need to nourish your body with exercise, food, and sleep. When you’re getting over an addictive relationship, you need to stay physically strong and fit.
Help for Love and Relationships
- Save My Marriage Today – Powerful Advice That Works
- Captivate Him – Be the Woman He Never Wants to Leave
- He Doesn’t Love You Back? 12 Secrets to Melting His Heart
Breakup Help
- When the Breakup Wasn’t Your Choice – How to Get Your Ex Back
- The Magic of Making Up – Even When It Seems Hopeless
- 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love
For more tips for healing from an addictive relationship, read 5 Steps to Grieving the End of a Love Relationship.
If you have questions or thoughts on kicking the addictive love drug, please comment below…
Related Articles:
- Love Addiction – 7 Signs of Addictive Relationships
- 7 Signs of Unhealthy Relationships – The Worst Love Problems
- How to Cope With Depression in a Love Relationship
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Love & Relationships
I’m not involved in an addictive love relationship, but I am involved in an addictive friendship. After reading this, I can say that some of the things mentioned still apply. I’m a college student right now, sophomore year. My roommate and I became pretty close last year, although I’m starting to think it was all in my head. I have a habit of getting way to attached to people way too quickly and seeing things that aren’t there. I shared some of my deepest darkest secrets with her because I thought it would make us closer friends and maybe she would open up a bit more. She was nice to me for the most part, and we got along great. The few times that she aggravated me, she REALLY aggravated me. She never apologized for the things she did wrong and I cared about our friendship too much to bring them up and talk about them. I’m the kind of person who won’t make waves to keep people happy, so I said nothing. Last minute, when it was almost time to apply for a dorm room for the next year, she decided that she didn’t want to be my roommate anymore even though we had decided months before to continue. I tried to keep our friendship going, I invited her to get dinner on campus and be gym buddies, but it just seemed like such a one-sided friendship. I wanted to be friends with her so badly that I compromised myself to try and win her over. Needless to say, it hasn’t worked to this day. I’m sick of being the only one contributing to this friendship, or whatever the hell it is, but I also can’t let go of her or the memories of last year. I know for a fact that it doesn’t bother her at all, but it’s killing me to know that I lost a friend that I may have never had in the first place. I wasted my time, but I’m not going to waste anymore. A part of me hopes that if I focus on me instead of trying to appease her, she’ll notice that I stopped talking to her and come back. Another part of me says, “Good Riddance.”
What do you think? Am I being foolish for feeling this way? If she does come back, do you think she’ll change or it’ll be last year all over again? Please help
I started seeing an old female friend after 5 years. Our relationship was an addictive one for me. This woman had my heart. Both times in the past when we were in each others lives something always happened just as we were getting closer and it all fell apart, but we remained friends until I had to walk away.
This third time around I talked with her for 7 months before I stopped listening to my gut instinct and stay away. I was afraid all of those dormant feelings would rise back to the surface and go thru a lot of pain again.
Talk about Omens…the first night I saw her again, after 5 years, we went out for drinks and then were going to head back to her house but I decided we should at one last bar before heading back to her place.
This decision cost me any future chance at romance with this woman. At this new bar she ran into one of her exes and I could tell she was excited to see him again after not seeing him for 6+ years.
Since that night, I’ve seen this woman and was reintroduced to her daughter. We enjoyed two weekends of dinner and movies together, seemingly enjoying each others company. My feelings all came back in a flood for her and than I found out she has been seeing this other guy whom she first told me were just old friends.
Now I’m being pushed out of her life, beating myself up for stopping at that last bar and wondering what might of been as she really has seemed to settle down in life in regards to men friends and sleeping around.
Now I sit here in misery wondering if she will ever return my call. What is weird is that during all those months when I was talking to her on the phone, I had no yearning to see her again and no feelings other than friendship, but once I saw her again…bam…now it’s history for the third and most likely final time. Bummed and feeling stupid!
Dear Shelzy,
Thanks for sharing your story here! It sounds like you are addicted to the love and companionship your boyfriend offers — and you’re right, it’s not that healthy.
I wrote this article for you:
Do You Feel Insecure and Unsure in Your Relationship? 5 Solutions
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts there or here.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi I’m so confuse right now. I’m in a relationship for ten months right now and i feel like I’m so addicted to my Iranian boyfriend. He broke up with me like 2 times now. Its not like he broke up with me literally but he just stop calling or contacting me then me always sending him messages and begging him to come back.
Well, the first one its my fault because I cheated on him but it was the time that im not so in to him so thats what happen then after a week we got back together.. and then a few months we have a huge fight just because I ask for time and he said his busy at work and study. His a doctor and its his last year to be a professional doctor his going to have a exam later this year. So, I understand that but his too unfair all I need is a little time from him. I said something he got mad then he stops communicating me for a month. All I did in that month is to keep sending him messages, emails, invitations for movies, dinner or something.
I feel that life is so dull without him. His a very sweet boyfriend thats what I like about him, his kind, respectful, a homebody, and a loving person. This things really made me so in love with him despite that fact that his so unfair.
Every time we got problems he puts the blame on me then i started to have very low esteem recently. He always makes me feel bad all the time but I still love him. sometimes just by hearing his voice makes me cry even were ok. I really don’t like this feeling please help. Now he gets mad at me because he saw me in a photo with another guy and to think its my friend. He don’t trust me anymore, i just don’t know what to do right now. I keep on telling him the truth but he didn’t care his reason is he gets embarrass because someone told him that she saw a photo of me with a guy. This thing happens only for teenagers.
Well im 20 and my boyfriend is 31. just dont care about the age gap. I care about my feelings more. I feel that he cares more about other people than me.I keep on listening to him and understanding him. I even trust him so much but this is how he repay me. I don’t hate him at all…I cant, I just can’t even if I want too. Im so in love with him but I don’t think this is healthy and I don’t deserve this. I just dont know how to let him go.
Lori,
I am very sorry to hear about your breakup — it sounds like your partner is a bit confused, and you’re a bit addicted!
It’s difficult to overcome the loss of a relationship and cope with the consequences (fear, inability to trust, etc). Trust me, I know how hard it is.
While I can’t give you personal advice, I can encourage you to move on with your life. You need to get strong and healthy emotionally, physically, spiritually, and even professionally. I know it seems hard or even impossible to get healthy and strong again, but it’s really important.
The best advice I have for overcoming an addictive relationship and breaking up is to learn how to let go of the person you love. Where and how do you start letting go? You keep trying different things until you find what works for you. Maybe the recovery program won’t help overnight. Maybe you need to do something at the same time, such as changing your life. Perhaps by moving to a different city, traveling, or getting personal counseling. Some people find physical spa treatments helpful, or alternative therapies such as reiki or energy healing.
There are SO many ways to get healthy and move on! The trick is finding what works for you.
I wrote an ebook to help people let go after a breakup, called Letting Go of Someone You Love: 75 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and Let Go of the Past
Check it out; it may be just what you need. I hope it helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
I have been with someone that is narcissistic and constantly dumps me to go looking for a man at bars… This person is now taken meds (unprescribed) to become a female… I am so sick and tired of going through break up after break up with him/her that I really don’t know what to do..I’m so much in love with him/her that I can not picture my life without this person at all… Tonight once again he told me tomorrow is off that he don’t want to see me..I asked whats going on…and he said coz i am losing interest in you… I am at wits end…I am working a 12 step program of recovery and still am unable to let go…Its driving me crazy… Any suggestions???????
Ten years ago I met whom I thought to be the love of my life. We maintained a long distance relationship for three agonizingly long years before moving in together. Three months after that, we were engaged. I was 18 and my parents were beside themselves. So I asked him to be understanding and could we wait, knowing that I intended to spend the rest of my life with him anyway.
Three years later I found that our sex life dwindled. I had gained about 15 pounds, but he made me feel like it was 50. He would go out with friends, but not invite me. We blew up into a fight when he said he couldn’t invite me because I would embarrass him. A month later he was moving out.
We were broken up for six months before getting back together. But I still wasn’t allowed to meet his friends or really be a part of his life. We did not move back in together and broke up again.
Six months later and we’re back together, this time we manage to stick it out for two years. He graduated school and now we’ve broken up again. This time he told me that because I didn’t marry him, I’m at fault for us breaking up. That I shouldn’t have “let” him move out. That he dissaproves of my friends, hates my family, and “dreams of having a wife and kids” but not with me.
I miss him and I still love him. But I’ve been given strength from all of your postings. I’m hoping that I can stay AWAY from him. I have already recieved his usuall “I’m sorry, let’s work this out,” letter and I am just trying desperately to let him go and keep him away.
I have been in a relationship for 16years, we had a ceremony 15yrs ago and have had our ups and downs. Four weeks ago I found a text from a colleague to my partner saying she loved her. When my partner saw this she became almost demonic, crying, running around the house and phoning the woman to tell her I had misconstrued this text. The following day she wanted time out and would hide her phones in the car. Last week I was told by her work colleagues that she had announced to everyone she had left me but had not informed me. This week she came home and said she tried for the past 15months to fix what she was feeling but it didnt work so our relationship is ended. She denied her relationship with this other woman and this was devastating because I had already seen texts from my partner declaring her love and devotion to this other woman. She has also kept from me she has been using a visa card in my name, this was discovered when I found she had eight master cards/Visa Cards all at their maximum limit. This she tried to tell me I knew about but had forgotten. I think she knew I was never going to admit to knowing given I don’t own or like Master or Visa Cards. Have never owned one and dont intend to. Since this time I have struggled to let her go even though she has hurt me and this has affected our children and grandchildren I still love her. Police are involved and she has turned ugly on me for reporting the matter to Police. I want her back but then I find I dont want the pain and anguish of mistrust again. She said I didnt trust her and that she was sending the texts to me but I know and she knows that wasnt true. She was very controlling and held all our monies, I was unaware of the number of credit cards and am shocked at the debt she appears to be putting herself into. In regards to this other woman I dont feel much anger given it was my partner who was pursuing her not the other way. Her parting words to me were. “Your unpredictable and I can’t control you anymore” How painful that was to hear.
Hi Will,
Taking a break from a relationship is often a helpful way to figure out what’s really going on. How would you feel about a “trial separation”, or 3 months of time and space apart? If you dislike the idea, then maybe you need to stay in the relationship and see where it goes. But if the thought of some time apart seems like a good idea (even if it makes you sad — because we can still feel heartache at the end of even the most unhealthy relationhip), then maybe distance is what you need.
Another option is to talk to a counselor. You don’t necessarily need months or weeks of counseling; sometimes a visit or two can help us gain clarity and insight. You might just need to bounce your thoughts and feelings off someone objective and trained, who can help you figure out what’s really going on. Many counselors are fantastic at putting things in perspective.
I think it’s important to look at why you’re feeling drained by her. It could be her personality, or that you and she just don’t mesh well. Maybe it’s part of your experience with depression; when we’re depressed, even the most trivial tasks are exhausting! Once you figure out why you’re drained by her, you’ll be better able to decide if you should stay in the relationship.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi, This is my first time writing in any sort of blog but I thought I would try it since I appreciate the value of other’s perspectives and insight.
I’ve been with my girlfriend almost 8 months now. We met at work last summer and she really took me by surprise at a time of my life when I really wasn’t ready for a relationship. At the time, I was coming out of a stent of mild depression and inability to sleep. It was a time of my life when I was very weak and vulnerable but tried to hide it well for the sake of being able to have a relationship. Underneath I was wrecked physically, mentally and emotionally due to the condition and dealing with past hurt…
No matter how much I tried to contain this, it didn’t take long for her to see through it, but because of her desire to help me, stuck through it, somewhat out of care for me, and somehwat out of fear of what I might do (her words although at the time, I never percieved fear on her end). Anyway I was temporarily unstable and here was a girl that stuck by me.
Long story short, I’ve come such a long way.. I think meeting such a sweet person, intorducing sex into my life again, and learning so much about her point of view really helped me overcome to of the causes of my condition. I can honestly say that such a transformation happened within me that I feel like a different person. She also saw the change in me, so much so that when the relationship blew up a few months ago and all the truth came out about how she really felt, she didn’t want to leave based on the person I had become. I think there was also an element of neediness on her part…regardless we are still together.
There are so many things about her that I really like and there are also things about her that I question.. questions about her maturity level (22, Im 28), her ability to communicate, to deal with life and make it through arguments. When I look at her, I see someone that I want in my life but that I also feel that I’m being drained by her. I don’t know if it is still my issues that keep me feeling that way, my insecurity or my habit to incessantly worry and over think things or if its something about fundamentally as a person..
I’m torn between the viewpoint of just waiting things out, having fun, loving unconditionally even though she might not be the one and trusting the way I feel now and just walking away..
Any insight?
-will
Even though this may not be the correct forum for a diary incerpt, just because it’s as a result of an addictive relationship and my last goodbye in writting to it, especially after Laurie’s reply, here’s my lament & goodbye to the girl that once stole & kept my heart… ‘My lost love, do u really hate me that much???. There’s some things i really wanna kno coz beba I’ve almost left to never be close to you again :.(.. !! & all I can think about is that I never ever hated u or planned to do u wrong untill I found out that you loved & was seeing another behind my back, I swear it!!. You honestly broke my heart so bad, i can never fully heal no matter how much i try or pray!!!. From all you have written & said to me so far, it’s obvious u were always so many steps ahead of me in everything
!!. & I was nothing but a phase to you!!… I honestly thought u loved me for real, I really did, up to now, I tell my self I was not just another stupid boy to you. Why can’t I let you go???. Could it be that you just knew how to pretend so much?? : /. I saw true love in your eyes, & I shall always remember that I truely loved you. You might think I’m just like every other guy coz i promised you so much & now I’m with another girl!. Well, everything I ever promised you was true and real no matter what you may say or wanna beleive. I pray to God that you may believe & never doubt it!!. The question is, “Why I’m I not with you right now?”, Is what you may ask!. Especially, if I promised that I would be there for the long run. All I can say is this… ‘My great love!!, please be true to yo your self in answering this!!.. What did you honestly expect me to do in finding out that you were still sleeping with your ex & other men including friends of mine while with me?? 
((!, yes, I fooled around too when our relationship was not at it’s best at times but God knows, I would never have left you & from the bottom of my heart loved you with all my heart till My own death 
!!!… They say time makes us forget & move on easily…., Incredibly tho, your presence, your stories, your smile, your laugh, your stupidity 
, your family, & your sex despite any woman i may see is what I think about most days!!!…. What’s wrong with me????? 
(((… End’ of diary incerpt!!
Thank you Laurie!!,what you said is, what in my head I’ve always known but feared I must do…. Here goes now..
Hi Susan,
What a dilemma — it sounds like you’re really “caught between two lovers”!
My best advice is for you to take a break from both men for several months. I think you should move into your own place alone, and take advantage of the time and space to figure out what (and who) you really want. When you’re in the midst of living with one man and thinking about another, you can’t see your life or either man objectively. But, when you have time and space to look at your life objectively — and the men objectively — then you may have a better idea of what to do about your relationships.
You might also consider talking to a counselor for a session or two. Often, talking to a trained professional who only has your best interests at heart can give you the clarity and support you need to make a decision about your life.
I hope this helps, and would love to hear how things unfold!
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie,
I am a 50 year old women living with Bill a 41 year old man. Bill and I met 2 years ago when I was ending a very bad relationship with a man that has a substance problem. Dan the ex had not worked in 6 years due to a bad back and my resentment just kept on growing. I had told Dan for the last year that I was going to leave him, but he never beleived that I would do such a thing since he had no way of supporting himself. Bill was working on my mothers house when I met him and he looked like the most beautiful human I had ever seen in my life(still look at him that way). We had a whirlwind affair, and during that time Bill would keep on telling me he did not want a relationship. I moved in with my mother due to her health problems at the time, finally freed myself of Dan and rented my house to Bill who wanted to live in a better neighborhood since he had two young children that stayed with him on the weekend and feared for their safety at his present home. I thought that Bill had steady income and he was responsible and relaible due to his demeanor and the fact that he was such a great father. Well as the weeks went on he leaned on me to help him straighten out a problem with his drivers license and other issues. He was acting erratic and my repsonse was to turn and retreat away from him. I would hear from him every couple of days and then we became enemies. He was living in my house with two other fellows and none of them could come up with the rent. This went on for two months with him acting absurd, so I just went along my own way and threw myself into the dating market again. In between I would hear from Bill, he finally fessed up and told me he had a crack habit and that the guy that had just moved in with him over a month and a half ago fueled the need for the drug. He wanted me to move in with him so I could help him with his addiction and help him pay the bills in the house. I still had an attraction to him and I needed to get my house out of his control. My mother was doing better and even though I love her dearly, I cannot live with her, We are both dominant women who wants it their own way. I moved in with Bill threw out the other loser and took over my house. I dated other men and we kept to ourselves.I guess When I met David 3 months later warning bells went off in Bills head that I would get seriouse with David and he intervened. Bill was doing well at that time, completely off the drug and working hard at a job site across the state. Bill would only come home on weekends, when he did come home I rewarded him with a well kept house, food in the fridge and hot meals on the table. it’s very hard for me to be any other way when a man is living under the same roof and me,I just automatically turn into the domestic goddess. David at this time is coming on real strong but yet, never really affording me any of his time. Said he had a young son he was taking care of and his time was limited. I put up with the David thing because I really felt we had alot in common and both had the same intimacy needs. Not long after he announced he had testicular cancer for the second time and needed to be treated. I did not see David to much during this time. I bought books and made all type of dishes to keep his strength up, but he would get angry and tell me that he didn’t need me to take care of him. Well it finally came out that he was married to a women he said cheated on him and he didn’t love her anymore. Once I found that out I dropped him like a rock. My husband of 15 years cheated on me with his childhood sweetheart and I swore I would never do to another female what has been done to me. I will not ever date a married man! In the meanwhile Bill and I are discovering we live together very well and have some of the same interests. We do have sex from time to time and we seem to be getting closer. Bill is still saying he does not want a relationship, but yet, he has grown quite accostomed to the good care I give him and his children. When we get to close Bill doesn’t come home one night and ends up 300 miles away from home visiting and old girlfriend he has been in touch with for years. Althoug I am hurt I remind myself that he kept on telling me he didnt wasnt a relationship, I stop all the extra care I give him and carry on with my life with him as room mates. I still heard from David he would touch base once a week through text. David wanted to talk with me and I agreed, he pretty much broke me down. He said he was sorry for lying to me about him being married, but that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me and that after having cancer twice he doesn’t care about anyone elses happiness only his own. He said he wanted to leave his estranged wife and son and give up his house for me.That I would just have to say when and he would come and live with me. Bill has also decided that he doesn’t want to lose me, declares his love for me and he now wants to start a relationship. When Bill said this I was under the impression that he would start sleeping in the same bed with me. Bill has never even layed next to me and have an intimate moment. He will have sex in every other room in the house except my bedroom, he is almost afraid to cross the threshold. Bill does not like to cuddle and runs to the shower the second sex for him is over. He will hug stading up, kiss and hold hands, but that is the extent to our closeness. This has bothered me greatly for the last two months to the point that I can’t live with him anymore. I feel cold and empty every morning I wake up alone and go to bed alone. I do love Bill and have from the moment I saw him. It is so difficult for me to leave him. It has always been a matter of finances for him. He can’t seem to get steady income and I beleive that I have become his safety net that he is afraid to go without. This is no replacement for true love and it has been tormenting me that I must leave him. David is always waiting for the other shoe to drops so he can slide right in. Don’t get me wrong David would have been a more suitable partner for me if it wasn’t for his lying to me about his marriage. Please help.
Congratulations on a nice article. A person can have rebound human relationships the rest of their experiences, or they can work what went wrong in a romantic relationship whether it was their fault or their partners that ended the relationship – and do things to convert those things. A individual might get into a relationship that lasts for long times but if there is still a shade from the prior relationship, the present one will either not work or will be painful for one or both. A recent divorcee needs to ask interviews of themselves and find the answers, and reckoning upon the resolutions, may well never have a rebound relationship but rather one that works.
Dear Dj,
I’m sorry I missed your comment, and I truly hope you’re feeling better these days!
There’s nothing wrong with you…you were in love with her, and she turned out to be much different than you expected. You’re heartbroken, confused, and bewildered…and that’s normal.
I suspect she did love you, because not very many people can fake a relationship for two years. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but it sounds like she’s in pain. She’s spreading her pain around, which is what people do when they’re hurt. I’m not saying YOU hurt her, but it’s a sad and common cycle for people who have been hurt to perpetuate the pain. You mentioned that she had an eating disorder, which tells me that she has some emotional health issues to sort out.
My best advice for you is to let her go and move on. Letting go of someone you love — especially if it’s an addictive relationship — is very difficult. And, it takes time to heal from a breakup. But, I hope you know that you WILL love and laugh and live fully again, and you CAN be happy with a new girlfriend! First, though, you may have to go through a valley of healing and despair.
But…good things are in your future! You’ll learn from this relationship, and become stronger and happier for your next one.
I wish you all the best, and thank you for coming back to remind me that you wrote earlier!
Blessings,
Laurie
comment is on 27th Jan..
Hello… Laurie.. : /
Dear Mark,
I’m sorry to hear it didn’t work out with this girl. You fell in love fast, and it’s heartbreaking when it doesn’t work out!
It’s totally normal to want to talk to her sometimes. You have strong feelings for her, and those don’t just disappear. But I think you’re doing the right thing by saying good-bye and letting her go. It doesn’t sound like she’s ready for a committed relationship — even if she loves you (and she may!).
I hope your heart heals quickly, and you love and laugh again soon…
Blessings,
Laurie
I met this girl on this online chat game. I was very young at the time (14 years old). We eventually exchanged emails and started having strong feelings for each other. In fact, for the next 5 years we talked quite frequently. I did manage to see her once over those 5 years but it was quite hard because we lived in different towns and were too young to drive. However during last summer we started to hang out because we both had cars and it was only a 30 min drive. I spent about 2 months with this girl until I found out what she was doing. We got very close quickly, we thought this whole thing was fate, we told each other how much we loved one another, she even told me she wanted to marry me eventually. But then I found everything out. I had small suspicions from the beginning and they eventually grew. I found out by myself that she was with some other guy from before and still with the whole time we were together, I was devastated and heartbroken. She said it was a huge mistake and she didn’t know what to do and she promised to leave him for me. Except she never did leave him but she did keep making promises to do so and tried to hide it that she was still with him. This process happened very many times. I couldn’t take it anymore, this happened to me again and I said goodbye to her exactly like the other times. I haven’t spoke to her in a week but I still feel this urge to sometimes talk to her even though I know how bad of a person she is.
Dear Rick,
First, I have to say that I’m sorry about your dad. You’re mourning for him, and you also have to cope with this addictive relationship…that’s alot for any person to handle.
It’s good that you recognize that she’s not good for you, and that this relationship is a type of addiction. It’s easy to fall into it in the short run…but I think you have to focus on your long-term emotional and physical health. Can you imagine yourself with her in five or ten or fifteen years? Does she uplift and support you? Is she the best partner you can imagine — or that you deserve?
When you’re thinking about these questions, I encourage you to remember that you WILL find someone who loves and respects you for who you are. I also encourage you to join a support group for addicts in recovery. You need in-person support — because nobody can succeed or achieve their goals alone! Spending time alone is good, but it’s important to balance that with interacting with other people.
I wish you all the best, and hope you feel more power in your life soon.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Rick,
It usually takes me a least a day or two to respond to comments — I haven’t had a chance to read yours yet, but will very soon!
Laurie
Hi??
My Dad died two months ago, and my ex had just stopped answering calls and the door, and stayed out of my life during the hardest time I ever had. He had cancer. I took care of him almost all the time. After he died she came back with some food for the family…I broke it off with her, yet three weeks later went back again…just so damn weak! Sick in the head. And now afeter a couple of so so weeks, she wont answer her phone again or door. She likes this control which she things is power. And I dangle at the end of her rope. But I have started walking, and taking better care of me. I am not saying we are broke up I am not strong enouigh to say that, but i am tired of her promises to be more giving, to be there emotionally for me and so on. If we have one small spat, she wont answer her phone for weeks. Its so bizarre but whats worse is I then chase her to get her back, even if I did nothing wrong, and she wants me back and we get back and we make promises. But the only one who gives emotionally is me. This doesnt make her bad, but she does have a maliscious streak and uses my insecurities against me. But I have been thinking in my mind, “what is loving behaviour”? And I cannot find much of that from her. Love is an action word and she does not provide love for me, for us. And I am so insecure and jealous, afraid iof her going to a bar (which she did this past summer whenwe split for awhile) and dancing with guys. I am not into bars and dont like that lifestyle, she says she doesnt either but two weeks after we split she was drinking in a bar. So there is evidence that she is not true to herself as well, and certainly not to me. I have been in recovery from addictions forn over 17 years, and have worked so hard and came so far in areas of healing and emotional freedom, yet now I seem to have given away my power yet again, to someone else. There is a part of me deep inside that feels worthless I guess and I have to work on it, I am tired of playing the abandonment game. I have ‘terror of abandonment’ not fear of it. And I thought that with her it would be ok cause she seemed so kind and sweet at first. I am going to go for my walk today, and head to the country to an isolated cabin for a break for a couple of days. Although, I know on sat nite I will be obsessing about where she is…thats gonna be rough, lots of prayers, use of recovery tools, like POWERLESSNESS over people places and things will get me through. I just wish I could find someone who would not use my honesty and insecurities to hurt me. Someone who would be coming to the cabin with me, and being there for me. Thx for reading.
I am in a place in my life where I so badly want to move but have no idea where to even start from.
I want to let go so desperately and with every failed attempt, I wish I was dead. She is not the sweet innocent girl, I had thought her to be, but still I loved her. I was so in love with this girl that In my head, I pictured how our kids would look like.
A previous relationship she had been in was what made her who she is, she was manipulated, abused, humiliated & even shunned by her overprotective family over it. Sadly for me, everything that was done to her, she did to me, i met her in my early twenties where I was so naive. She verbally& physically abused me, humiliated me, alienated my friends, & controlled every aspect of my life, convinvinvg me that she truelly loved me like no other.. Jokingly saying Her love for me was an obsession.
Brain washed, I gave up on having a life of my own & devoted it to her. Even after all this, as if to add salt to injury, she kept in contact with her abusive ex &slept with him a number of times behind my back which at first she denied with every breath. When she realised, I had all evidence of her lies, she confessed crying saying it was out of force. So stupid, I believed it, but more truth came out & she was still contacting him later. I bled my heart dry of blood & painful tears, but still I feel so much pain wen I think of how much I loved her,& wat I gave up for her. I think I still do.. She did so many things to convince me she truelly loved me, & wanted to start a new life with me, but after so many lies, I jus cry hoping there were some true memories of happiness & love in our past. She spoke of having my baby & would stop it at nothing trying to ruin my life if I ever left her & would consider it as betrayal.
Well, I went cold turkey after she trashed my house one day, & promptly moved out & cut all phone contact, giving back all her stuff & that’s how I got out of it about 2 months ago.
Im now gone & her last MSG horrifyingly reads, “I’m the only guy she has & will forever truely freely love with all her heart, body & mind & that she prays to heaven she did not lose me for good because to her I was her soulmate. Now, I can’t eat properly, sleep, be in peace & i have a constant heavy heart thinking did she truelly love me? Memories linger of her friends tellin me I had changed her for better & helped her get over her past abuse and some serious eating disorder. Memories of her crying to forgive her indescretions which Had I not found out by my self, she blatantly admits would have hidden them to not risk losing me at the time. Her claim is she was raped by her ex while with me, evidence shows she made plans 2meet up with him when he demanded sex and she’d hide her phone always wen texts came thru. I was gobbled up by her strong personality & manipulative ways, yet i stayed loving, providing & even did her Uni reports when mine were past their due dates. Two years could not have been a lie could it?, I have friends & family who love me& care but all I do is show them what they wanna see, a smile here, a smile there when truth be told my hearts in a million pieces. For all the bad that she did, she always mentioned that it was only coz she loved me so much that she used to go so crazy & take out her past on me. Y do I still feel, I love her, y do I still feel I have something to say to her, knowing very well that the type of personality she has will only leave me in 10times more pain. She did so much other wrong that’s too intense to describe. Take this, She has never apologised for her abuse to me, & most likely never will even though I have apologised for any mistakes on my part. Last I got from her is a bunch of emails saying she slept with this or that other guy while we dated and that she hates me & does not care about me at all. She said hurtful stuff during our relationship too when we fought & she always explained it was to cause me direct pain like she was feeling, but never meant any of it.
To the readers relief, I’m lost for words. I just want to know, is there something terribly wrong with me?, is it love that I still feel for her?, y can’t the excrushiating pain that no one sees behind a fake smile go away. More importantly, did she truely love me or does this girl sound like she’s just beyond good at lies. I’m I a fool?
I have read a lot of what everyone has written and feel like I can empathize with much of the heart ache. My perspective is that we are attracted to others on a primal level and are unaware of the effect it has on us. I often hear women complain about men who cheat and treat them poorly and then I notice they chose the tall alpha male with the with high testosterone. He is successful, competative, confident, and often arrogant. They are Presidents, actors, atheletes, lawyers, doctors, businessmen, Govenors, etc.. They are wired to spread their seed to as many women as they can get away with. He might love you but he wants every attractive women he can get his hands on and will risk losing you to have them all. He will leave you for a younger women when you get older. Find a man who you are attracted to but who is not too alpha. Someone who could not replace you easily. I think it is harder for women because they are mislead by men who are out of their league who just want them for sex. Many women point their noses up at nice guys who would worship the ground they walk on and go for men more alpha who use and abuse them.
Jenny,
I’m sorry to hear things aren’t working out for you and your ex-boyfriend. It doesn’t sound like you’re a good match, which I think you’ve figured out!
It might be better for you in the long run to let him go. Don’t contact him, and don’t ask him for advice. Focus on healing from this relationship and rebuilding your self-esteem…and getting emotionally and spiritually ready for the next man in your life.
You WILL love and laugh again…it just takes time to heal from unhealthy relationships and become ready to fall in love again. I’m glad you shared your experience, and welcome your thoughts anytime.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi,
I haven’t been reading all the comments (a bit lazy, a bit lack of time). It will probably sound silly and as if it was sth too short to become a problem. I was dating this guy for 6 months, and at the beginning he was really incredibile towards me, but after a while I realized he is so self centered and I can’t cope with it. Everytime I would show him any kind of emotions he would become really rude ( and it was totally not like that the first two months while he was running after me)
I’ve tried to ignore it for a while, and the last couple of weeks were just a torture for both of us and he told me he simply isn’t into being in relationship with me anymore.
I totally understood that, though I still wanted him in my life for the good things we had at the time. I told him that was ok with me, and it’s better for us to be friends otherwise we might come to a point where we hate eachother.
Than he had spent two months calling me everyday just to talk on the phone for couple of hours and to help him over the phone with different stuff. I thought he wants me back ( which was kind of logical to me? And he knew I had feelings for him).
I went to Italy for a month…and left at home all devices he could reach me on. Came back and he called me after a while, came to my place….and so the story goes. I thought we are getting back together, but he just bacame terrible to me and left with no answer for 6 months. If tried to stay friend but no answer.
I called him for an advice ( relly needed it (mistake) cause we do similar jobs), he was profesionall,me too and that was it. After two months he started calling me, sending me chat messages…so I thought maybe I was just too much for him the first time so I should give him another chance.
And I gave a chance to hime after his two months trying, but then he told me he wants no relationship at the moment, but he really likes me. I was stupid enough to take the “great offer” he made and even better to understand him.
After three months, during which I really tried to be “good girlfriend” and not to bring up and kind of attachment or emotions, we got in fight one night out with his friends cause I drunk a bit more and showed him a bit more attention that it was expected from me to do ( No drama, no other ppl included). He got mad, and no answer on his phone since, no anything.
I don’t want to get back with him. I feel better for writing this. My self esteem is really low at the moment and while with him. And this is which hurts me the most cause normally I’m really comunicative, openminded person, easily making friends, being appreciated by others not only privately, but profesionally and in sports life, so this is why this really makes me sad.
Thanks for listening and sorry for any lapsus lingue, I’m not a native speaker.
Aline,
I’m sorry your relationship ended this way — and I definitely don’t think you’re nuts! You’re a caring woman who loved a man for five years. You’ve learned alot from this relationship, and it will make you stronger and healthier for the next love in your lofe.
I don’t know why your boyfriend was having internet relationships with other three or four other women at the same time…he’s trying to fill some sort of need with these women. The bottom line is that he’s got a few issues to work out.
The right thing to do, in my opinion, is to let him go and move on. It’s painful, sad, heartbreaking…I know how hard it is to get out of a relationship. But, if you can’t trust him and you can’t forgive him anymore, then you have to let go.
I wish I had the magic words to make the pain go away, but I don’t. You WILL heal from this heartbreak and you will love and laugh again, Aline. It’ll just take time.
If you’d like to read articles about letting go of someone you love, I’d be happy to paste the links here. And, feel free to come back anytime and let me know how you are.
My thoughts and prayers are with you,
Laurie
The only comfort I find at this very moment of my life is seeing that I am not alone in this dreadful experience…I am sorry for everyone here, I share the pain.
I just had to leave my boyfriend…it’s 3 days now. We met 5 years ago and we fell in love immediately, it was such a warm feeling…although I was 25 and he 43. In the first year I found out he had many other women in his life, contacts with many at the same time…some were ex’es who remained “friends”, some were women he had found on chat from all over the world…he even traveled abroad to meet them in the time when our relation was 1 yr old. I discovered the situation and he apologized, promised to change, etc…because of my love for him, I decided to continue our relationship.
During the 4 years afterwards, I would not find peace; I loved him so much, but I became obsessed with him, he was the only focus of my life. And also I became paranoia, wouldn’t trust him anymore…also because during all those years he kept his mobile off when we were together. We had so many fights, I became jealous and controlling for every single thing. At a time when I went to counseling and started to trust him, I again caught him chatting and sending his picture to some woman. He said it was a “stupid joke”, and promised he would have never met that woman. He promised again, but again my trust was broken. I tried again, but the bad feeling I had inside wouldn’t give me peace. He kept complaining I made his life a prison, that I changed him with my controlling behavior and he didn’t know himself anymore. I became then more “relaxed” and tried to give him space. He knew I wanted to get married and have a child; I am 31 now. Then I felt a strange urge to interrogate him…and what I found out? During few days we were apart he had been registered in a chat and chatted with girls at least 20 yrs younger then him (I am 18 yrs younger than him), and have been exchanging pictures and have been calling them. At least 2 of these girls from Asia send him emails now, pictures and sms and telling they miss him…(God, how can a woman loose dignity and “miss” a man she knows from a chat since 2 days???). He replies to both of them, same wording, “hi my angel, my honey…my sweet…”…and at the same time he is behaving good to me…
Am I gone nuts or what? I would understand maybe a man falling for another woman…and maybe cheating…but a man who has a relationship since 5 years, 4 of which living together…and this man creates this type of internet relationships not with 1, but with 3-4 women at the same time?!?
I left the house.
I am dieing to see him, hug him, and feel his warmth…I miss him, but I cannot forgive anymore, and I do not want to live my life in doubts again…I will not be able to trust him anymore…
What is the right thing to do? What now???
Dear Karolina,
I’m sorry to hear about this stage of your relationship — and that’s all it may be! Your boyfriend may be stressed and preoccupied with law school, and unable to express his love or affection.
The way I see it, you have a couple of options. One, you can call and talk to him about it directly. Tell him you feel distant, and ask if anything is wrong. He might open up about what’s going on in his life. Or two, you could give him time and space, and focus on your own life and studies. He may need some room to breathe. Sometimes people need “spaces in their togetherness”, which means they just need time to do their own thing. If you’re truly like a married couple, then you WILL come back together after a stage of distance or lack of communication. That’s what relationships are often about: ups and downs, periods of closeness and periods of distance.
I can’t tell you which option to choose…you need to trust your heart and gut about that! But, I hope you let me know how things are going — I’m wishing you all the best!
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Lee,
I’m sorry to hear about your girlfriend…you may not be able to see it now, but I think you’re better off without her! She’s had so many unhealthy relationships in the past and couldn’t talk to you — that’s not the basis of a strong, happy, secure relationship.
You need to let go of her and move on. I know how hard that is, but trust me — the sooner you shake off those old memories and questions about the past, the happier you’ll be. You gave all you could to her and that relationship, but it wasn’t enough. It’s time to move on.
If you need some tips on letting go of someone you love, let me know. I’ve written a few articles on letting go of the past and moving on, and I can post the links here. You might even be comforted and feel supported by the comments other readers have made about overcoming addictive relationships. You’re not alone, and you CAN be happy again.
Take care, and let me know if you’d like some tips for letting go…
Laurie
Susie,
I have to apologize — for some reason, your comment got right by me and I missed it! I’m sorry to be responding so late, and hope you’re doing better these days.
You deserve better than your ex-boyfriend. It doesn’t sound like he was over his ex, and he was disregarding your feelings and relationship by inviting his ex-girlfriend out with you and him!
You HAVE to let him go, because that relationship was not meant to be. You have no choice. Soon, you’ll feel much better about the breakup — and you’ll even be happy that he broke it off.
I’d love to hear how you’re doing these days, and if you comment on Quips & Tips again, I promise to respond sooner!
Blessings,
Laurie
Hello there,
I havnt been able to talk to anyone about this. I mt the love of my life when i took a year off of college moved to nyc and met him in my building.. after a month long inseprable friendship we became intamite and soonly after moved in together. We have beeen in love since the day we met. However after living together for 3 yeaqrs and moving to california he seems distant and doesnt reciprocate my love for him , only every other day. i dont know if what were going through is a rough patch since hes in law school and im still in undergrad..or is it a “im in a higher level of learing” situation where its time for something else.. our familiees know each other, we have all vacationed together and i just dont know.. we have been through soo much, i feel like were married already.. help..
sincerely, 22yr med student