The road to getting over an addictive relationship may be sad and lonely — but it is NOT endless! (image by h.koppdelaney, via flickr)
Addictive relationships are like drugs – you have to work hard to kick the habit. These tips for getting over love addiction are practical and effective, and they’ll help you stay away from someone who’s not good for you.
Sometimes it’s difficult to get over even the worst relationship – but when you’re obsessed about your ex, it feels like you’ll never move on. I know the feeling – there were certain people I thought I’d die without. But I’ve learned that I can actually be very happy without them!
Before my tips, here’s one of my favorite quips about letting go:
“Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.” ~ unknown.
Breaking up with an addictive person can make you stronger and healthier in the long run…if you can just get past the pain and heartache of letting go of someone you love.
Is It Love or Is It Addiction: The Book That Changed the Way We Think About Romance and Intimacy will help you understand love addiction. It was written by psychotherapist Brenda Schaeffer, and includes many stories of real people struggling to overcome addiction to love.
And, here are seven tips for moving on…
How to Get Over an Addictive Relationship
If you’re not sure what an addictive relationship is, read 7 Signs of Addictive Relationships.
1. Enlist a strong support system. Ask your friend, sister, or someone you trust to be your “go to” person. Then, when you feel compelled to call or visit your ex, call your “go to person” instead. She or he will help you remember why you broke up, why you need to let go of this addictive relationship, and how happy and healthy you will be once the worst heartache has passed.
2. Make a list of reasons for breaking up. When you’ve lost someone you love, you may be tempted to obsess about the best parts of your relationship. You may magnifiy your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend’s strengths — and forget about their weaknesses and flaws. Instead of obsessing about your ex, make a list of the reasons your life is better now that you’re single. Pull this list out when you feel lonely or sad.
3. Do something different — make a change in your life! Take a scuba diving class, go on a singles cruise, or join a hiking club in your city. Do something unexpected, something you’ve always wanted to do but were too busy or scared to try. This tip for getting over an addictive relationship has all sorts of additional benefits: you’ll enjoy meeting new people and expanding your horizons – which can translate to increased self-confidence.
4. Cleanse your life: out with the old, in with the new. To get over an addictive relationship, you need to cleanse your life. This means putting, throwing, or giving away everything that your ex gave you or left behind. Deal with everything that you accumulated as a couple, or that reminds you of your ex. This tip serves a double purpose: you’ll declutter you home at the same time!
Are you tempted to call, email, or text him? Read 3 Reasons to Stop Begging Him to Come Back.
5. Focus inward — but not on your heartbreak. What have you done lately to achieve your goals? Start thinking about the things you’ve always wanted to change about your career, personality, health, life, home, or relationships. Start thinking about your overall life goals, and write down small steps to achieving your goals.
Are you and your ex co-dependent? Read How to Untangle a Codependent Relationship.
6. Take a vacation from your daily life. You may not be able to afford a trip to Maui or Belize, but you might be able to take a day trip to a nearby city or town. Getting out of your everyday surroundings is a great tip for getting over an addictive relationship because it pulls you out of your normal life!
7. Get and stay physically healthy. Taking care of yourself means staying away from the carton of ice cream (a classic way to heal from breaking up with someone). Instead, stay in the “sweat zone.” Don’t give up on your fitness routine — you need to nourish your body with exercise, food, and sleep. When you’re getting over an addictive relationship, you need to stay physically strong and fit.
For more tips on kicking an addictive relationship, read How to be Happy Without Your Husband’s Love or Money.
Are you healing from an addictive relationship? I welcome your thoughts below.
I can’t tell you how to heal from an addictive relationship, because I don’t know how you generally cope with the problems in your life. Some people find that “mind over matter” works, while others benefit from counselling.
I’m sorry I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for, and hope that writing about your addictive relationship has helped a little!
I was in a 10 month addictive relationship with a controlling alcoholic that pretended to be someone he wasn’t and sold me on a life in California that i was clearly desperate to buy. he had 2 alcoholic fits where he yelled and threw things. I made excuses that his behavior was anger over a 15 week old baby that passed away. I moved everything i owned and moved everything he threw out on the front porch in april. He had about one alcoholic fit a month and the life he sold me was clearly never going to happen. After 2 exact drunks ( and emotional beat downs) in cali after i moved i could no longer believe the excuses i had been making for him. i knew i needed out and planned and got out. He changed and the more control i gave him the more he wanted. When i left i was scared he would come for me and tried to be his friend to diffuse his anger. Then is become obvious being his friend was no longer an option, I changed my number and blocked him on email and social media. I’ve been home going on 7 weeks,the first 5 weeks i had feelings of thankfulness and glad to be away. NOW IM RAGING MAD AT HIM AND NOW MYSELF for making such a silly move. I’m back home with family that love me and slipped right back into my life and life looks great. I blocked him from my life April 27th, I’m no longer scared of him but the more i think about how he LIED to me and cheated and messed with my mind basically kept my mind so full of several versions of the same story. HOW CAN A SMART WOMAN FALL FOR THIS and why am i so angry at him and cant let it go? its the smallest stuff. i try to feel the feelings and tell myself the facts of knowing he manipulated me. Reading books initially helped me know it wasn’t me and comforted me a great deal. i know he isnt worth the energy but its inside me but the thoughts are there daily now!
Dear Lauri:
Please help me! Please answer this!!
First off I should explain the situation in my country (Iran) so you can understand why while being 21 I’m writing a comment in a teenager’s site! In my country girls and guys are almost completely separated before university. So when we’re 18 it’s in many cases the first time we talk with the opposite sex (I mean besides cousins and uncles ). Well in some families with a lot of aunts and uncles you have a lot of cousins, so these girls are lucky, but I was not. And if you wanted to have a boyfriend before university, you had to find him in the streets or weird chat rooms and I got to tell you Iran is a hell of unsafe and insecure!!!!!!! Finding a boy before university was dangerous and by the way we had A LOT to study for university entrance exam in high school. So now you can figure out what a weirdo I was when I entered university!!! I’ve had this huge crush on a guy since nearly 3 years ago, when I entered university. He was a friend of my friend. We went out in a group and I met him there for the first time. I started to like him. I asked him out to theatre again in A GROUP. ( I was even worse than other Iranians because till term 4 when I actually fell for him completely, all I could think of was studying and grades and becoming a TA and stuff I was also very rude(I mean too honest!!), very idealistic, justice seeking, too confident!, very WEIRD!!!!!!!) I had no feminine side. I WAS A CHILD!! For example in that first time that we went out in a group my flirting’s been: what grade did you get in math? What average did you get last term! Do you even believe that! I myself don’t when I look back!! I have changed a lot since 3 years ago! But I still think that he liked me a bit. the next term we had a very important class together which required a lot of teamwork. Him, me, one of my girlfriends, and his boyfriend started to work together mostly in a fashion that they helped us. My friend was, well the kind that had boyfriends since she was 13 so she had a lot more experience than me and attracted the other boy (his friends) attention and they kind of, just kind of started going out. She was one of these sexy girls who attract everyone and she had attracted him a little bit too. They only paid attention to her and that drove me mad. My entire world was crashing on me. All my values started to change. I lost my confidence and tried to be like my friend. I was so sad that I stopped talking to him which was very childish!( I thought maybe this way he will come to me and ask me why I’m like this and I’ll tell him everything) well obviously he didn’t!:D after 2 or 3 weeks of their relationship my friend started dating another guy in order to get some help from him in her other lessons( what a…! ) so my crush’s friend got mad and our group fell apart silently as it had never existed. We all stopped talking together and in summer he found a girlfriend out of university. I stopped for one term trying my best to forget him and I failed. So the next term I tried to get as many lessons as I could with him. we started talking a bit but just a bit. Very little because everything was weird. One day in a card fortune telling (he was not there) his name slipped my tongue and his friends found out that I like him. I asked them not to tell him but I think they did (not sure) but still he didn’t ask me out. Well he had a girlfriend and I knew it but I couldn’t get rid of the thought that he might like me! I wanted to forget him but I couldn’t. I tried going out with other guys. But I hated them all! And couldn’t stay with any of them! I went to a psychologist and he recommended me to tell him (although I knew he had someone) I did it and he said he has someone (Duh! .. ) and he added that it’s not like he doesn’t like me ( he was murmuring and he looked stupid so I’m not 100 percent sure he said that but 75 percent sure! ) after that I again stopped talking to him, this time it was not sulking and it was not in any way childish. It was just because I knew talking to him would make him stick in my mind.) Now everything is totally weird. I’m dying, not to be with him, but just to be able to see him ( I don’t have any classes with him) just to be able to talk to him, be his friend, look at him. I have changes during these events and have become a very more mature and feminine person. I have really changed but he doesn’t give me any chance to show it to him and as we don’t have any classes together and don’t see each other very often, I can’t show him how Ive grown. I have totally screwed up. I can’t forget him and recently I have come to realise that I don’t want to forget him!!!! help me please! what should I do? ((
Addictive friendships and addictive relationships have a lot in common. If you have a bad friend that you can’t seem to WANT to get rid of, read:
One-Sided Friendships – How to Stop Bad Friends From Getting Worse
I’m not involved in an addictive love relationship, but I am involved in an addictive friendship. After reading this, I can say that some of the things mentioned still apply. I’m a college student right now, sophomore year. My roommate and I became pretty close last year, although I’m starting to think it was all in my head. I have a habit of getting way to attached to people way too quickly and seeing things that aren’t there. I shared some of my deepest darkest secrets with her because I thought it would make us closer friends and maybe she would open up a bit more. She was nice to me for the most part, and we got along great. The few times that she aggravated me, she REALLY aggravated me. She never apologized for the things she did wrong and I cared about our friendship too much to bring them up and talk about them. I’m the kind of person who won’t make waves to keep people happy, so I said nothing. Last minute, when it was almost time to apply for a dorm room for the next year, she decided that she didn’t want to be my roommate anymore even though we had decided months before to continue. I tried to keep our friendship going, I invited her to get dinner on campus and be gym buddies, but it just seemed like such a one-sided friendship. I wanted to be friends with her so badly that I compromised myself to try and win her over. Needless to say, it hasn’t worked to this day. I’m sick of being the only one contributing to this friendship, or whatever the hell it is, but I also can’t let go of her or the memories of last year. I know for a fact that it doesn’t bother her at all, but it’s killing me to know that I lost a friend that I may have never had in the first place. I wasted my time, but I’m not going to waste anymore. A part of me hopes that if I focus on me instead of trying to appease her, she’ll notice that I stopped talking to her and come back. Another part of me says, “Good Riddance.”
What do you think? Am I being foolish for feeling this way? If she does come back, do you think she’ll change or it’ll be last year all over again? Please help
I started seeing an old female friend after 5 years. Our relationship was an addictive one for me. This woman had my heart. Both times in the past when we were in each others lives something always happened just as we were getting closer and it all fell apart, but we remained friends until I had to walk away.
This third time around I talked with her for 7 months before I stopped listening to my gut instinct and stay away. I was afraid all of those dormant feelings would rise back to the surface and go thru a lot of pain again.
Talk about Omens…the first night I saw her again, after 5 years, we went out for drinks and then were going to head back to her house but I decided we should at one last bar before heading back to her place.
This decision cost me any future chance at romance with this woman. At this new bar she ran into one of her exes and I could tell she was excited to see him again after not seeing him for 6+ years.
Since that night, I’ve seen this woman and was reintroduced to her daughter. We enjoyed two weekends of dinner and movies together, seemingly enjoying each others company. My feelings all came back in a flood for her and than I found out she has been seeing this other guy whom she first told me were just old friends.
Now I’m being pushed out of her life, beating myself up for stopping at that last bar and wondering what might of been as she really has seemed to settle down in life in regards to men friends and sleeping around.
Now I sit here in misery wondering if she will ever return my call. What is weird is that during all those months when I was talking to her on the phone, I had no yearning to see her again and no feelings other than friendship, but once I saw her again…bam…now it’s history for the third and most likely final time. Bummed and feeling stupid!
Dear Shelzy,
Thanks for sharing your story here! It sounds like you are addicted to the love and companionship your boyfriend offers — and you’re right, it’s not that healthy.
I wrote this article for you:
Do You Feel Insecure and Unsure in Your Relationship? 5 Solutions
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts there or here.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi I’m so confuse right now. I’m in a relationship for ten months right now and i feel like I’m so addicted to my Iranian boyfriend. He broke up with me like 2 times now. Its not like he broke up with me literally but he just stop calling or contacting me then me always sending him messages and begging him to come back.
Well, the first one its my fault because I cheated on him but it was the time that im not so in to him so thats what happen then after a week we got back together.. and then a few months we have a huge fight just because I ask for time and he said his busy at work and study. His a doctor and its his last year to be a professional doctor his going to have a exam later this year. So, I understand that but his too unfair all I need is a little time from him. I said something he got mad then he stops communicating me for a month. All I did in that month is to keep sending him messages, emails, invitations for movies, dinner or something.
I feel that life is so dull without him. His a very sweet boyfriend thats what I like about him, his kind, respectful, a homebody, and a loving person. This things really made me so in love with him despite that fact that his so unfair.
Every time we got problems he puts the blame on me then i started to have very low esteem recently. He always makes me feel bad all the time but I still love him. sometimes just by hearing his voice makes me cry even were ok. I really don’t like this feeling please help. Now he gets mad at me because he saw me in a photo with another guy and to think its my friend. He don’t trust me anymore, i just don’t know what to do right now. I keep on telling him the truth but he didn’t care his reason is he gets embarrass because someone told him that she saw a photo of me with a guy. This thing happens only for teenagers.
Well im 20 and my boyfriend is 31. just dont care about the age gap. I care about my feelings more. I feel that he cares more about other people than me.I keep on listening to him and understanding him. I even trust him so much but this is how he repay me. I don’t hate him at all…I cant, I just can’t even if I want too. Im so in love with him but I don’t think this is healthy and I don’t deserve this. I just dont know how to let him go.
Lori,
I am very sorry to hear about your breakup — it sounds like your partner is a bit confused, and you’re a bit addicted!
It’s difficult to overcome the loss of a relationship and cope with the consequences (fear, inability to trust, etc). Trust me, I know how hard it is.
While I can’t give you personal advice, I can encourage you to move on with your life. You need to get strong and healthy emotionally, physically, spiritually, and even professionally. I know it seems hard or even impossible to get healthy and strong again, but it’s really important.
The best advice I have for overcoming an addictive relationship and breaking up is to learn how to let go of the person you love. Where and how do you start letting go? You keep trying different things until you find what works for you. Maybe the recovery program won’t help overnight. Maybe you need to do something at the same time, such as changing your life. Perhaps by moving to a different city, traveling, or getting personal counseling. Some people find physical spa treatments helpful, or alternative therapies such as reiki or energy healing.
There are SO many ways to get healthy and move on! The trick is finding what works for you.
I wrote an ebook to help people let go after a breakup, called Letting Go of Someone You Love: 75 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and Let Go of the Past
Check it out; it may be just what you need. I hope it helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
I have been with someone that is narcissistic and constantly dumps me to go looking for a man at bars… This person is now taken meds (unprescribed) to become a female… I am so sick and tired of going through break up after break up with him/her that I really don’t know what to do..I’m so much in love with him/her that I can not picture my life without this person at all… Tonight once again he told me tomorrow is off that he don’t want to see me..I asked whats going on…and he said coz i am losing interest in you… I am at wits end…I am working a 12 step program of recovery and still am unable to let go…Its driving me crazy… Any suggestions???????
Ten years ago I met whom I thought to be the love of my life. We maintained a long distance relationship for three agonizingly long years before moving in together. Three months after that, we were engaged. I was 18 and my parents were beside themselves. So I asked him to be understanding and could we wait, knowing that I intended to spend the rest of my life with him anyway.
Three years later I found that our sex life dwindled. I had gained about 15 pounds, but he made me feel like it was 50. He would go out with friends, but not invite me. We blew up into a fight when he said he couldn’t invite me because I would embarrass him. A month later he was moving out.
We were broken up for six months before getting back together. But I still wasn’t allowed to meet his friends or really be a part of his life. We did not move back in together and broke up again.
Six months later and we’re back together, this time we manage to stick it out for two years. He graduated school and now we’ve broken up again. This time he told me that because I didn’t marry him, I’m at fault for us breaking up. That I shouldn’t have “let” him move out. That he dissaproves of my friends, hates my family, and “dreams of having a wife and kids” but not with me.
I miss him and I still love him. But I’ve been given strength from all of your postings. I’m hoping that I can stay AWAY from him. I have already recieved his usuall “I’m sorry, let’s work this out,” letter and I am just trying desperately to let him go and keep him away.
I have been in a relationship for 16years, we had a ceremony 15yrs ago and have had our ups and downs. Four weeks ago I found a text from a colleague to my partner saying she loved her. When my partner saw this she became almost demonic, crying, running around the house and phoning the woman to tell her I had misconstrued this text. The following day she wanted time out and would hide her phones in the car. Last week I was told by her work colleagues that she had announced to everyone she had left me but had not informed me. This week she came home and said she tried for the past 15months to fix what she was feeling but it didnt work so our relationship is ended. She denied her relationship with this other woman and this was devastating because I had already seen texts from my partner declaring her love and devotion to this other woman. She has also kept from me she has been using a visa card in my name, this was discovered when I found she had eight master cards/Visa Cards all at their maximum limit. This she tried to tell me I knew about but had forgotten. I think she knew I was never going to admit to knowing given I don’t own or like Master or Visa Cards. Have never owned one and dont intend to. Since this time I have struggled to let her go even though she has hurt me and this has affected our children and grandchildren I still love her. Police are involved and she has turned ugly on me for reporting the matter to Police. I want her back but then I find I dont want the pain and anguish of mistrust again. She said I didnt trust her and that she was sending the texts to me but I know and she knows that wasnt true. She was very controlling and held all our monies, I was unaware of the number of credit cards and am shocked at the debt she appears to be putting herself into. In regards to this other woman I dont feel much anger given it was my partner who was pursuing her not the other way. Her parting words to me were. “Your unpredictable and I can’t control you anymore” How painful that was to hear.
Hi Will,
Taking a break from a relationship is often a helpful way to figure out what’s really going on. How would you feel about a “trial separation”, or 3 months of time and space apart? If you dislike the idea, then maybe you need to stay in the relationship and see where it goes. But if the thought of some time apart seems like a good idea (even if it makes you sad — because we can still feel heartache at the end of even the most unhealthy relationhip), then maybe distance is what you need.
Another option is to talk to a counselor. You don’t necessarily need months or weeks of counseling; sometimes a visit or two can help us gain clarity and insight. You might just need to bounce your thoughts and feelings off someone objective and trained, who can help you figure out what’s really going on. Many counselors are fantastic at putting things in perspective.
I think it’s important to look at why you’re feeling drained by her. It could be her personality, or that you and she just don’t mesh well. Maybe it’s part of your experience with depression; when we’re depressed, even the most trivial tasks are exhausting! Once you figure out why you’re drained by her, you’ll be better able to decide if you should stay in the relationship.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi, This is my first time writing in any sort of blog but I thought I would try it since I appreciate the value of other’s perspectives and insight.
I’ve been with my girlfriend almost 8 months now. We met at work last summer and she really took me by surprise at a time of my life when I really wasn’t ready for a relationship. At the time, I was coming out of a stent of mild depression and inability to sleep. It was a time of my life when I was very weak and vulnerable but tried to hide it well for the sake of being able to have a relationship. Underneath I was wrecked physically, mentally and emotionally due to the condition and dealing with past hurt…
No matter how much I tried to contain this, it didn’t take long for her to see through it, but because of her desire to help me, stuck through it, somewhat out of care for me, and somehwat out of fear of what I might do (her words although at the time, I never percieved fear on her end). Anyway I was temporarily unstable and here was a girl that stuck by me.
Long story short, I’ve come such a long way.. I think meeting such a sweet person, intorducing sex into my life again, and learning so much about her point of view really helped me overcome to of the causes of my condition. I can honestly say that such a transformation happened within me that I feel like a different person. She also saw the change in me, so much so that when the relationship blew up a few months ago and all the truth came out about how she really felt, she didn’t want to leave based on the person I had become. I think there was also an element of neediness on her part…regardless we are still together.
There are so many things about her that I really like and there are also things about her that I question.. questions about her maturity level (22, Im 28), her ability to communicate, to deal with life and make it through arguments. When I look at her, I see someone that I want in my life but that I also feel that I’m being drained by her. I don’t know if it is still my issues that keep me feeling that way, my insecurity or my habit to incessantly worry and over think things or if its something about fundamentally as a person..
I’m torn between the viewpoint of just waiting things out, having fun, loving unconditionally even though she might not be the one and trusting the way I feel now and just walking away..
Any insight?
-will
Even though this may not be the correct forum for a diary incerpt, just because it’s as a result of an addictive relationship and my last goodbye in writting to it, especially after Laurie’s reply, here’s my lament & goodbye to the girl that once stole & kept my heart… ‘My lost love, do u really hate me that much???. There’s some things i really wanna kno coz beba I’ve almost left to never be close to you again :.(.. !! & all I can think about is that I never ever hated u or planned to do u wrong untill I found out that you loved & was seeing another behind my back, I swear it!!. You honestly broke my heart so bad, i can never fully heal no matter how much i try or pray!!!. From all you have written & said to me so far, it’s obvious u were always so many steps ahead of me in everything
!!. & I was nothing but a phase to you!!… I honestly thought u loved me for real, I really did, up to now, I tell my self I was not just another stupid boy to you. Why can’t I let you go???. Could it be that you just knew how to pretend so much?? : /. I saw true love in your eyes, & I shall always remember that I truely loved you. You might think I’m just like every other guy coz i promised you so much & now I’m with another girl!. Well, everything I ever promised you was true and real no matter what you may say or wanna beleive. I pray to God that you may believe & never doubt it!!. The question is, “Why I’m I not with you right now?”, Is what you may ask!. Especially, if I promised that I would be there for the long run. All I can say is this… ‘My great love!!, please be true to yo your self in answering this!!.. What did you honestly expect me to do in finding out that you were still sleeping with your ex & other men including friends of mine while with me?? 
((!, yes, I fooled around too when our relationship was not at it’s best at times but God knows, I would never have left you & from the bottom of my heart loved you with all my heart till My own death 
!!!… They say time makes us forget & move on easily…., Incredibly tho, your presence, your stories, your smile, your laugh, your stupidity 
, your family, & your sex despite any woman i may see is what I think about most days!!!…. What’s wrong with me????? 
(((… End’ of diary incerpt!!
Thank you Laurie!!,what you said is, what in my head I’ve always known but feared I must do…. Here goes now..
Hi Susan,
What a dilemma — it sounds like you’re really “caught between two lovers”!
My best advice is for you to take a break from both men for several months. I think you should move into your own place alone, and take advantage of the time and space to figure out what (and who) you really want. When you’re in the midst of living with one man and thinking about another, you can’t see your life or either man objectively. But, when you have time and space to look at your life objectively — and the men objectively — then you may have a better idea of what to do about your relationships.
You might also consider talking to a counselor for a session or two. Often, talking to a trained professional who only has your best interests at heart can give you the clarity and support you need to make a decision about your life.
I hope this helps, and would love to hear how things unfold!
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie,
I am a 50 year old women living with Bill a 41 year old man. Bill and I met 2 years ago when I was ending a very bad relationship with a man that has a substance problem. Dan the ex had not worked in 6 years due to a bad back and my resentment just kept on growing. I had told Dan for the last year that I was going to leave him, but he never beleived that I would do such a thing since he had no way of supporting himself. Bill was working on my mothers house when I met him and he looked like the most beautiful human I had ever seen in my life(still look at him that way). We had a whirlwind affair, and during that time Bill would keep on telling me he did not want a relationship. I moved in with my mother due to her health problems at the time, finally freed myself of Dan and rented my house to Bill who wanted to live in a better neighborhood since he had two young children that stayed with him on the weekend and feared for their safety at his present home. I thought that Bill had steady income and he was responsible and relaible due to his demeanor and the fact that he was such a great father. Well as the weeks went on he leaned on me to help him straighten out a problem with his drivers license and other issues. He was acting erratic and my repsonse was to turn and retreat away from him. I would hear from him every couple of days and then we became enemies. He was living in my house with two other fellows and none of them could come up with the rent. This went on for two months with him acting absurd, so I just went along my own way and threw myself into the dating market again. In between I would hear from Bill, he finally fessed up and told me he had a crack habit and that the guy that had just moved in with him over a month and a half ago fueled the need for the drug. He wanted me to move in with him so I could help him with his addiction and help him pay the bills in the house. I still had an attraction to him and I needed to get my house out of his control. My mother was doing better and even though I love her dearly, I cannot live with her, We are both dominant women who wants it their own way. I moved in with Bill threw out the other loser and took over my house. I dated other men and we kept to ourselves.I guess When I met David 3 months later warning bells went off in Bills head that I would get seriouse with David and he intervened. Bill was doing well at that time, completely off the drug and working hard at a job site across the state. Bill would only come home on weekends, when he did come home I rewarded him with a well kept house, food in the fridge and hot meals on the table. it’s very hard for me to be any other way when a man is living under the same roof and me,I just automatically turn into the domestic goddess. David at this time is coming on real strong but yet, never really affording me any of his time. Said he had a young son he was taking care of and his time was limited. I put up with the David thing because I really felt we had alot in common and both had the same intimacy needs. Not long after he announced he had testicular cancer for the second time and needed to be treated. I did not see David to much during this time. I bought books and made all type of dishes to keep his strength up, but he would get angry and tell me that he didn’t need me to take care of him. Well it finally came out that he was married to a women he said cheated on him and he didn’t love her anymore. Once I found that out I dropped him like a rock. My husband of 15 years cheated on me with his childhood sweetheart and I swore I would never do to another female what has been done to me. I will not ever date a married man! In the meanwhile Bill and I are discovering we live together very well and have some of the same interests. We do have sex from time to time and we seem to be getting closer. Bill is still saying he does not want a relationship, but yet, he has grown quite accostomed to the good care I give him and his children. When we get to close Bill doesn’t come home one night and ends up 300 miles away from home visiting and old girlfriend he has been in touch with for years. Althoug I am hurt I remind myself that he kept on telling me he didnt wasnt a relationship, I stop all the extra care I give him and carry on with my life with him as room mates. I still heard from David he would touch base once a week through text. David wanted to talk with me and I agreed, he pretty much broke me down. He said he was sorry for lying to me about him being married, but that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me and that after having cancer twice he doesn’t care about anyone elses happiness only his own. He said he wanted to leave his estranged wife and son and give up his house for me.That I would just have to say when and he would come and live with me. Bill has also decided that he doesn’t want to lose me, declares his love for me and he now wants to start a relationship. When Bill said this I was under the impression that he would start sleeping in the same bed with me. Bill has never even layed next to me and have an intimate moment. He will have sex in every other room in the house except my bedroom, he is almost afraid to cross the threshold. Bill does not like to cuddle and runs to the shower the second sex for him is over. He will hug stading up, kiss and hold hands, but that is the extent to our closeness. This has bothered me greatly for the last two months to the point that I can’t live with him anymore. I feel cold and empty every morning I wake up alone and go to bed alone. I do love Bill and have from the moment I saw him. It is so difficult for me to leave him. It has always been a matter of finances for him. He can’t seem to get steady income and I beleive that I have become his safety net that he is afraid to go without. This is no replacement for true love and it has been tormenting me that I must leave him. David is always waiting for the other shoe to drops so he can slide right in. Don’t get me wrong David would have been a more suitable partner for me if it wasn’t for his lying to me about his marriage. Please help.
Congratulations on a nice article. A person can have rebound human relationships the rest of their experiences, or they can work what went wrong in a romantic relationship whether it was their fault or their partners that ended the relationship – and do things to convert those things. A individual might get into a relationship that lasts for long times but if there is still a shade from the prior relationship, the present one will either not work or will be painful for one or both. A recent divorcee needs to ask interviews of themselves and find the answers, and reckoning upon the resolutions, may well never have a rebound relationship but rather one that works.
Dear Dj,
I’m sorry I missed your comment, and I truly hope you’re feeling better these days!
There’s nothing wrong with you…you were in love with her, and she turned out to be much different than you expected. You’re heartbroken, confused, and bewildered…and that’s normal.
I suspect she did love you, because not very many people can fake a relationship for two years. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but it sounds like she’s in pain. She’s spreading her pain around, which is what people do when they’re hurt. I’m not saying YOU hurt her, but it’s a sad and common cycle for people who have been hurt to perpetuate the pain. You mentioned that she had an eating disorder, which tells me that she has some emotional health issues to sort out.
My best advice for you is to let her go and move on. Letting go of someone you love — especially if it’s an addictive relationship — is very difficult. And, it takes time to heal from a breakup. But, I hope you know that you WILL love and laugh and live fully again, and you CAN be happy with a new girlfriend! First, though, you may have to go through a valley of healing and despair.
But…good things are in your future! You’ll learn from this relationship, and become stronger and happier for your next one.
I wish you all the best, and thank you for coming back to remind me that you wrote earlier!
Blessings,
Laurie
comment is on 27th Jan..
Hello… Laurie.. : /
Dear Mark,
I’m sorry to hear it didn’t work out with this girl. You fell in love fast, and it’s heartbreaking when it doesn’t work out!
It’s totally normal to want to talk to her sometimes. You have strong feelings for her, and those don’t just disappear. But I think you’re doing the right thing by saying good-bye and letting her go. It doesn’t sound like she’s ready for a committed relationship — even if she loves you (and she may!).
I hope your heart heals quickly, and you love and laugh again soon…
Blessings,
Laurie
I met this girl on this online chat game. I was very young at the time (14 years old). We eventually exchanged emails and started having strong feelings for each other. In fact, for the next 5 years we talked quite frequently. I did manage to see her once over those 5 years but it was quite hard because we lived in different towns and were too young to drive. However during last summer we started to hang out because we both had cars and it was only a 30 min drive. I spent about 2 months with this girl until I found out what she was doing. We got very close quickly, we thought this whole thing was fate, we told each other how much we loved one another, she even told me she wanted to marry me eventually. But then I found everything out. I had small suspicions from the beginning and they eventually grew. I found out by myself that she was with some other guy from before and still with the whole time we were together, I was devastated and heartbroken. She said it was a huge mistake and she didn’t know what to do and she promised to leave him for me. Except she never did leave him but she did keep making promises to do so and tried to hide it that she was still with him. This process happened very many times. I couldn’t take it anymore, this happened to me again and I said goodbye to her exactly like the other times. I haven’t spoke to her in a week but I still feel this urge to sometimes talk to her even though I know how bad of a person she is.
Dear Rick,
First, I have to say that I’m sorry about your dad. You’re mourning for him, and you also have to cope with this addictive relationship…that’s alot for any person to handle.
It’s good that you recognize that she’s not good for you, and that this relationship is a type of addiction. It’s easy to fall into it in the short run…but I think you have to focus on your long-term emotional and physical health. Can you imagine yourself with her in five or ten or fifteen years? Does she uplift and support you? Is she the best partner you can imagine — or that you deserve?
When you’re thinking about these questions, I encourage you to remember that you WILL find someone who loves and respects you for who you are. I also encourage you to join a support group for addicts in recovery. You need in-person support — because nobody can succeed or achieve their goals alone! Spending time alone is good, but it’s important to balance that with interacting with other people.
I wish you all the best, and hope you feel more power in your life soon.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Rick,
It usually takes me a least a day or two to respond to comments — I haven’t had a chance to read yours yet, but will very soon!
Laurie
Hi??
My Dad died two months ago, and my ex had just stopped answering calls and the door, and stayed out of my life during the hardest time I ever had. He had cancer. I took care of him almost all the time. After he died she came back with some food for the family…I broke it off with her, yet three weeks later went back again…just so damn weak! Sick in the head. And now afeter a couple of so so weeks, she wont answer her phone again or door. She likes this control which she things is power. And I dangle at the end of her rope. But I have started walking, and taking better care of me. I am not saying we are broke up I am not strong enouigh to say that, but i am tired of her promises to be more giving, to be there emotionally for me and so on. If we have one small spat, she wont answer her phone for weeks. Its so bizarre but whats worse is I then chase her to get her back, even if I did nothing wrong, and she wants me back and we get back and we make promises. But the only one who gives emotionally is me. This doesnt make her bad, but she does have a maliscious streak and uses my insecurities against me. But I have been thinking in my mind, “what is loving behaviour”? And I cannot find much of that from her. Love is an action word and she does not provide love for me, for us. And I am so insecure and jealous, afraid iof her going to a bar (which she did this past summer whenwe split for awhile) and dancing with guys. I am not into bars and dont like that lifestyle, she says she doesnt either but two weeks after we split she was drinking in a bar. So there is evidence that she is not true to herself as well, and certainly not to me. I have been in recovery from addictions forn over 17 years, and have worked so hard and came so far in areas of healing and emotional freedom, yet now I seem to have given away my power yet again, to someone else. There is a part of me deep inside that feels worthless I guess and I have to work on it, I am tired of playing the abandonment game. I have ‘terror of abandonment’ not fear of it. And I thought that with her it would be ok cause she seemed so kind and sweet at first. I am going to go for my walk today, and head to the country to an isolated cabin for a break for a couple of days. Although, I know on sat nite I will be obsessing about where she is…thats gonna be rough, lots of prayers, use of recovery tools, like POWERLESSNESS over people places and things will get me through. I just wish I could find someone who would not use my honesty and insecurities to hurt me. Someone who would be coming to the cabin with me, and being there for me. Thx for reading.