How to Cope With Guilt After Your Cat or Dog Dies
Many Pet Owners Feel Guilty About Their Pet's Death
How do you stop feeling guilty after your dog or cat dies? Pet loss guilt is experienced by many pet lovers, even if they didn’t do anything wrong.
Why do we feel so guilty after our pets die?
“Dogs have given us their absolute all,” said Roger Caras. “We are the center of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made.”
Isn’t that a beautiful quotation about dogs? And it applies to cats, too — not the “serve” part, but the love and affection.
If you’re struggling with grief and guilt because of the circumstances surrounding your dog or cat’s death, read Letting Go of an Animal You Love: 75 Ways to Survive Pet Loss. I interviewed veterinarians, grief counselors, and pet experts for the best ways to survive the death of a beloved dog or cat, and I included stories from real pet owners who coped with guilt and grief in sometimes surprising ways.
How to Cope With Guilt After Your Cat or Dog Dies
One way to cope with guilty feelings after the death of your dog or cat is to accept that you made the best decision for your pet at the time. If you put your cat or dog to sleep, you made the best decision you could. Maybe you didn’t try every pet medication, alternative therapy, or special food that you could find – but you did the best you could. Take a deep breath, accept that you did the best you could, and let go of your guilt that your cat or dog died. You did the best you could.
Stop replaying the “if only” scenarios
“If I only I would’ve known my pet was sick, I would have acted differently…” We can only see clearly when we look back on what’s happened – because hindsight is 20/20, my friend. There is no value in replaying the “if only” scenarios…unless you replay them with a happier ending! Instead of looking back at the “if onlys”, focus on saying good-bye to your dog or cat — perhaps with a pet memorial.
Remember that you don’t know what would have happened
If you’re dealing with guilty feelings because of pet loss, you may think, “If only I would have recognized that he was sick earlier, I could have saved him.” The problem with this type of thinking is that you don’t know what really would have happened! Maybe it’d be a happily ever after ending – and maybe your pet would have died anyway. When we engage in the “if only” scenario, we deceive ourselves into thinking we could have saved our pet from death.
Know that you’re not alone – many pet owners feel guilty
Your feelings of anger, grief, and guilt over your pet’s death are felt by many people who lost their dogs or cats. We’re all mourning together, my friends…and our pets are watching and loving us from wherever they are. Make them proud and happy; there’s no room for sadness or guilt where they are.
If you’re struggling with grief and guilty feelings because of the circumstances surrounding your dog or cat’s death, read Letting Go of an Animal You Love: 75 Ways to Survive Pet Loss. I interviewed veterinarians, grief counselors, and pet experts for the best ways to survive the death of a beloved dog or cat, and I included stories from real pet owners who coped with guilt and grief in sometimes surprising ways.
If you have any thoughts on these ways to cope with guilty feelings after your dog or cat dies, please comment below…
Category: Cats and Kitty Tips, Dogs & Doggy Care Tips, Grief & Recovery Tips, Pet Care Tips
My beautiful boy rella died one week today. He was just 7 years old and had been diagnosed with an enlarged heart.This last week has been one of the worst of my life-the tears the guilt-the emptyness. I feel i want to die and be with him. He was my life-the reason to get up-to come home-I have never loved anyone the way i love him. From a kitten i hand reared him-We had such a strong bond-he was always at my side.
His mother phoebe is mourning now with me-we miss him so so much. My darling rella i will love u always…..
Hugs and kisses to all others who have lost their friends- I hope time will make things just a little better xxx
Hi Laurie,
Thank you for this site. I had to put my cat to sleep about two weeks ago. He had constipation and I brought him to the animal hospital and agreed to all the tests and procedures they had to do thinking he’d get better but it went downhill from day one. He had two enemas and on the first one his lung collapsed due to the anesthesia. I had to make the painful decision after 5 days in hospital because I couldn’t bear seeing him in pain any longer. I still cannot forgive myself because I feel like I brought him there to die a painful death.
I am stuck in my grief and nothing can seem to console me. I nearly adopted a rescue cat but held off at the last minute.
I’ve lost pets before but this boy was different. He was the sweetest most beautiful cat who loved my family unconditionally. We’ve only had him for a year, having adopted him from the previous occupant of our house. He purred and ‘talked’ like he understood us and took away all our aches and cares at the end of every day. Coming home was always a pleasure knowing he’d be there at his favorite perch near the garage waiting for me.
Now there’s just this huge void in my life that I can’t get my head around. I’ve been told ‘it’s just a cat’. No, he wasn’t just a cat. He was my baby boy.
I should be consoled by the thought that I am not alone in this kind of grief. My prayers go out to everyone who has lost a pet.
xxx
my 9year old cat sooty was attacked by a dog a few weeks ago. sadley one of his legs was severly ingured and he would of lost it, my mum said it wouldn’t be fair on him considering he was a roamer and went every-wherr, if we did choose to have his leg taken off it would of cost well over £1000 and my mum&dad said she couldn’t afford it, sadley we had him put down and u feel really guilty about him being put down beofre his time was up and angrey at the dog and its owner for not being on a lead!
My bulldog passed away today while walking with my daughter and while I was away doing errands. My daughter told me that she was walking her and on her way back home my bulldog Precious (1 year old 2 months) stopped and did not want to move. I told my daughter that it is natural for her to do that when she was tired and to give her time to recover. Later she called that she was going to sleep and I told her to let her rest and try pulling her in order to make her walk back home. A few minutes later I received the dreaded call that my babygirl Precious was dead. I could not believe it and did not want to believe it. I rushed home to find her on my lawn with her blue tongue out of her mouth and not moving. I wanted to believe she was resting but the truth was that she was dead. Why? “If I had only”…I blamed god for taking her away from me. I had recently purchased another Bulldog puppy to give company to Precious. Both Precious and Twinkie were inseparable and they would constantly play and bite each other in a playful way and I was happy to see Precious happy with Twinkie. When I would take them for walks, Twinkie would always want to be besides Precious and did not want any distance between them. Now I am afraid that Twinkie is missing Precious wondering why is she not around. I feel like I have to give Twinkie away since she is going to be lonely and there is nothing I can do about it. As I write this, I still can’t believe that Precious is no longer with me and is buried in my backyard. I feel like I was not there for her and that I failed Precious. I pampered Precious tremendously and gave her a birthday cake for her first birthday and took her to a pet care on her special day in order to celebrate her day. I love my dogs to death and now I’m not sure I should keep Twinkie. I am in so much pain and even my daughter tell me that it was not my fault or anyones but if I had not let her take her for a walk today she would still be alive. This pain is too much to bare and I don’t know how to stop this pain I feel inside.
Thank you for this article. It has been almost a week since I’ve lost my 10 yr old lab. I can’t seem to get over the guilty feelings and miss him so much. Late last Thursday night he started making vomiting noises and I brushed it off as too much chewing on his bone and took it away for the night. In the morning his stomach was so swollen and he was drooling and breathing really heavy. I brought him to the Vet ER to find that his stomach had flipped and the only the solution was surgery. At his age and the amount of recovery we had to make the decision to put him down. My heart breaks everyday over our choice. I’m so thankful to have spent such a wonderful time with him and its helpful though to read how other people are going through similar feelings.
Hi There,
Its coming up to almost 2 weeks since I put my beautiful cat Milo to sleep. He was 13 years old and he had kidney failure so I had made the hardest decision I had ever made. I still miss him alot. last week I went to the SPCA to look at cats and one cat stood out from the rest. I ended up adopting her she is 11 months old, she was rescued by the SPCA and had alot of trust issues. She can never replace my beloved Milo but I feel that I have enough love to share so that she feels safe and happy and is able to trust people. Some of things she does is similar to what Milo used to do.
Thank you. I am so glad I found this wonderful site altough I have not have time to read too much through it yet, I will when I get back from church.
My Husky died last Friday morning. Two months ago he had kidney failure, but after being in the animal hospital for three days he recovered. He is estimated to be 11 years and 9 months old (he is a rescued dog). I had his final blood panel done Thursday the 31st and it came out excellant. At the time he also had two immunizations. On the Sunday following, he was more tired than usual I noticed and had, had an accident in the house (which is unusual for him). His appetite was down and drinking down, but he seemed to perk up later. Then he started pacing around in circles. Then he would seem normal again. I thought he was getting better. The kidney treatment was expensive and my mother had to help pay for it. Even so, I should have taken my dog in immediately to see if this was happening again. I know kidney failure is progressive, but I should have at least seen if there was a chance for him to live comfortably or not. On Thursday night before he died, he took his walk very slowly. I knew then that something was very wrong. On Friday I was going to take him back into the vet, but it was too late. I woke up to find him dead in the living room. I had to be to work two hours later. I feel I have failed him. I hope that animals will go to heaven and have been looking into this, but guess I will have to accept this if they don’t. This is the worse thing I have ever done in my life. My apathy may have cost my dogs life. I am in a hard place financially, but money can always be replaced later. I hope God can forgive me if I deserve it. Thank you.
Dear Cindy
Thank you for writing about your feelings for Samantha your lab. I do hope that the pain of your loss has softened. We just had to put our Lab Sophie to sleep yesterday. She was only 8 and a half years old and she had lung cancer. We only found out the day before so she must have been in a lot of pain for some time. We don’t smoke so that’s made it worse. I’m so glad you wrote about your feelings, as they are what I am feeling now, and I thought it was just me. I am full of deep regret and guilt for all the things I should have done for her during her life but didn’t. She was the perfect dog for us and I so wish we hadn’t taken her for granted. Don’t know how I’m going to get over this – I miss her heaps. I’m glad we were all with her when she was put to sleep, giving her hugs and kisses and I held her paw. She was a beautiful, loving and patient dog and I am so heartbroken. At least now she is not suffering and is in peace.
Dear Megan,
I’m so sorry to hear that your dog may be nearing the end of his life. Saying goodbye to a pet you love is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, I’m sorry to say.
Keep letting yourself cry — because your tears are healing and healthy. They help you cope, they help you feel better about what’s happening. I know you don’t really feel good when you cry, but your tears are good for you.
I also encourage you to talk about your dog’s life with your parents, brothers or sisters, friends, and people you love and trust.
Remember that even after your dog isn’t part of your life here on earth, he’ll always be in your heart. You’ll never, ever forget him. He’ll go to Heaven, and wait for you. He’ll be watching out for you and loving you, and be enjoying his new young body. He’ll be running free and happy, without the constraints of old age!
Maybe it’s time to start letting him go, Megan. He’s had a good long life, and it’s time for him to leave.
Again, I’m so sorry for you, and I hope you come back and tell me how you’re doing.
Blessings,
xo
Laurie
i am 11 years old. my dog has not died yet but he is very old and likely to die any month now. whenever i think about it i start to cry really really really REALLY hard. if i’m at school i ask to go to the bathroom and if i’m at home i go on a walk to cry in peace. how can i stop from thinking such bad thoughts? even though your site yelped me understand what i should do when rusty does die i’m still sure i won’t be able to handle it
Hi. My lab Samantha who was 9 and 1/2 years old just passed away Thursday night. It’s been 3 days but I am so sick to my stomach and I can’t stop crying. I have another dog, a shepherd named Maverick who is also mourning. I am trying to stay busy and to keep his life as normal as possible but I just break down throughout the day. The house is so quiet without her and EVERYTHING I do reminds me of her. I know that with time it will get better because I’ve lost other dogs previously but just when I think I’m going to be ok, another memory comes along and I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach again. I’ve been reading online about how to grieve and get over the loss of a pet and I think it will help. I just wanted to share my story for others who may be feeling the same thing. It is the hardest thing ever to lose a beloved family pet.
I had to put my 16 yr old dog`ben` to sleep in Nov 2010.He had Myelopathy,arthritis a heart murmor and was urine incontinent at times.I feel so guilty and lonely without him and live alone,so it seems even worse.He was still eating and this confuses me as I feel as if he still wanted to go on,but he was falling on his haunches and walking with upturned rear paw.I know there is no magic answer,but I am soooo!!! down I can`t believe it.Mike .p
Thank you Laurie !
We wish also to thank all of the folks who have helped through sharing their own experiences of sharing their homes with needy friends. We have DOLLY now, a beautiful gray and chocolate tiger tabby.
Loving your pets and giving them the best care
we can is sometimes hard work, but as equally
rewarding. And true… that letting them die
peacefully is difficult, albeit a correct and
humane thing we can do for our “best friends”
We press on as did SAARPA move on and our
new addition DOLLY with us ! We are fortunate
to have found some resolve. That is our wish
for you out there, also ! Our best wishes to
all whom have lost, survive, and live to love
another wonderful, needy pet !
Thank You !
Timothy and Shereen Hall
Dear Timothy and Shereen,
My condolences on your cat’s passing — and I’m sorry it took so long for me to reply.
I hope you no longer feel guilty for opening your home to another cat, because making room in your life for a new animal who needs love and care isn’t a betrayal of the cat you lost! Loving a new cat doesn’t mean you loved SAARPA less…it just means you’re ready to spread the care and compassion you have around, to include another animal. This is a good thing, very healthy and helpful.
Please enjoy your new “job”, taking care of a new cat…I know that creature is grateful for you!
Blessings,
Laurie
I am grateful for this site and the insight it has gave me. My beloved cat of fifteen years left us Wednesday. Saarpa was a wonderful friend for so long, it hurts so terribly bad, worse than bad. We didn’t know she was so ill, and when we got her help, she still died… respitory failure secondary to cancer and medication. We even feel guilty that she died because we were trying to help her. We resolve through the hurt by telling ourselves that she was suffering more than we knew. She is now at rest. We decided to open our home… and our hearts to another cat. I felt guilty that I am betraying SAARPA in some way as soon as we decided to get another addition to our family. Your stories and responses have helped me to better understand why I feel as I do, that it is perfectly normal and she would want us to be happy. I get this pet now with no expectations, and will love this new pet on her terms, not my own. I will always love SAARPA, will never forget her, and now that our work is finished with SAARPA, we have another job, to give a wonderful pet a good, warm home, a full belly, and our hearts. I hope I have made the correct decision. Please help us in knowing we’re at least heading in the right directions for the right reasons. Thank You ! Timothy and Shereen Hall
I too have had to put down a beloved pet today. My cat of 11 years was suffering and we think it was cancer. It is hard but it had to be done. I feel tremendous guilt but after reading your advice I feel relieved.
Dear Margaret,
I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling with your dog’s death, after three years! That’s heartbreaking.
My suggestion is to talk to a counselor or grief loss expert. You need to talk through your grief and guilt, and learn better ways to cope. It’s time to heal, my friend.
In Letting Go of an Animal You Love, I describe five reasons that pet loss is so difficult to survive, and five reasons that grief gets “stuck” (plus 65 more tips for healing from pet loss!). It souonds like you may be stuck in your grief…and you need help climbing out.
A pet loss grief support group would also be helpful…is there one in your area?
Blessings,
Laurie
Enza, I’m glad you found strength here, and I gratefully accept your huge cuddle
Also – in Letting Go of an Animal You Love, I interviewed pet loss grief experts, veterinarians, and people who really, really struggled after losing their pets. They share dozens of helpful, inspiring, strength-building, and sometimes surprising tips for coping with pet loss – none of which are here on Quips and Tips.
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Sharan,
I’m sorry it took me so long to respond — and I’m really sorry for what you went through when your dog died! My heart goes out to you.
I wrote an article for you:
Should I Get Another Dog After My Dog Died?
Of course I can’t tell you if you should get another dog, but I can FOR SURE say that you shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to adopt another dog! There’s nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with an animal, for giving him a home and love and food and walks and all that good stuff. You’re not betraying your dog by opening your heart to another dog.
I hope you read the article, and that it helps you make your decision. If you’ve already adopted another dog, I’d love to hear how it’s going!
All good things,
Laurie
Hi all, I lost my 7 month old puppy less than a week ago and feel so sad. My puppy somehow got out of the fence and was missing for the night. The next morning, my boyfriend found her in the neighbors yard covered in blood. I rushed home from work and took her a bath to clean her and rushed her to the vet. She sustained injuries to her head from an unknown source. The vet treated her for shock and with antibiotics and said she may be prone to seizures. I monitored her during the week and she seemed to be getting better. Approx a week later she had a seizure and stopped breathing. She died and I miss her so much, I fee empty, guilty and upset. I came across this site and wanted to share this poem I wrote for her: A small creature with such lovely features, comes at such a time to help ease the mind. Full of grace helped increase the pace, if we only knew what we were to face. A silent echo in this place that was once a safe space. She is free and we must understand that this is how it was meant to be. Memories will pass, but we must not forgot too fast. What we thought was clear, was now what we begin to fear. Understand what began, was so close to man. We remember that Cashmere was so dear and now we must let go of the fear. Moving on to become strong, and start to sing the song we knew all year long…
thanks laurie I lost my little buddy 01/10/10 i feel a bit empty and sad.
I just lost my 8yr old (F)Boxer, the doctor thinks that she had a tumor on her brain along with a very mild case of valley fever. I feel guilty becuase I didn’t have enough money to see if there was anything that I could do for her. I feel like I gave up on her. It may have eventually turned out that I would have still had to put her down, but it still hurts. I can’t shake the image out of my head of her last breath. I hear sounds in the house, I expect to see her walk arund the corner. My heart hurts so bad!
Hey i need some advice… i lost my 9 month old boxer puppy today to a seizure..and ive been feeling really guilty about it..and as much as i feel i could have done something theres really nothing i could do about it. he died in my arms this morning and i cant stop thinking about him. I really want another dog but im feeling really guilty about getting another dog as i loved my boxer with all my heart and i feel very guilty about loving another dog that isnt him. At the same time i want a dog really badly after the wonderful times ive had with my boxer. Do you think that i sould really get another dog?
Thanks in advance
my dog died 3 years ago ever since then i feel like its my fault the gate was left open my dog got out i think she ate something but the vets said it was her liver she was fine a day before it happend and ever since it happened i get mad at people when i see them with there pet i feel like there trying to get me jealous cant take it my heart hurts my tummy hurts dont want to be with people who have pets
Thank you Laurie
this site has really given me strength… i can not thank you enough!!!! i am sending a huge cuddle…
xoxooxoxo