Our dog, Georgie. We cherish every day with her, knowing that the days will some day be over.
How do you stop feeling guilty after your dog or cat dies? Many pet owners experience extreme guilt even when they didn’t cause their pet’s death.
Why do we feel so guilty after our pets die?
“Dogs have given us their absolute all,” said Roger Caras. “We are the center of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made.”
Isn’t that a beautiful quotation about dogs? And it applies to cats, too — not the “serve” part of course, but the love and affection. Our pets give us unconditional love and don’t ask anything but attention, ear scratches, tummy rubs, and … survival.
Maybe that’s why we feel guilty when our cats or dogs die; they depend on us for life, and we feel we failed them by not keeping them alive.
If you’re struggling with grief and guilt because of the circumstances surrounding your dog or cat’s death, read Goodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet. It’s Gary Kowalski’s second book on coping with pet loss, and it’ll help you cope with guilty feelings after having to put your do or cat down.
How to Cope With Guilt After Your Cat or Dog Dies
One way to cope with guilty feelings after the death of your dog or cat is to accept that you made the best decision for your pet at the time. If you put your cat or dog to sleep, you made the best decision you could. Maybe you didn’t try every pet medication, alternative therapy, or special food that you could find – but you did the best you could. Take a deep breath, accept that you did the best you could, and let go of your guilt that your cat or dog died. You did the best you could.
Stop replaying the “if only” scenarios
“If I only I would’ve known my pet was sick, I would have acted differently…” We can only see clearly when we look back on what’s happened – because hindsight is 20/20, my friend. There is no value in replaying the “if only” scenarios…unless you replay them with a happier ending! Instead of looking back at the “if onlys”, focus on saying good-bye to your dog or cat — perhaps with a memorial to help you cope with pet loss.
Remember that you don’t know what would have happened
If you’re dealing with guilty feelings because of pet loss, you may think, “If only I would have recognized that he was sick earlier, I could have saved him.” The problem with this type of thinking is that you don’t know what really would have happened! Maybe it’d be a happily ever after ending – and maybe your pet would have died anyway. When we engage in the “if only” scenario, we deceive ourselves into thinking we could have saved our pet from death.
Know that you’re not alone – many pet owners feel guilty
Your feelings of anger, grief, and guilt over your pet’s death are felt by many people who lost their dogs or cats. We’re all mourning together, my friends…and our pets are watching and loving us from wherever they are. Make them proud and happy; there’s no room for sadness or guilt where they are.
If you’re struggling with grief and guilty feelings because of the circumstances surrounding your dog or cat’s death, read Letting Go of an Animal You Love: 75 Ways to Survive Pet Loss. I interviewed veterinarians, grief counselors, and pet experts for the best ways to survive the death of a beloved dog or cat, and I included stories from real pet owners who coped with guilt and grief in sometimes surprising ways.
If you have any thoughts on these ways to cope with guilty feelings after your dog or cat dies, please comment below…
Dear Sean,
Thank you for sharing your experience with us, of your last hours with Coupe. What a beautiful way to walk alongside your dog as she left this earthly world.
There may be many reasons you’re feeling so much guilt and pain about her death. I can’t list them all here, but I took the main points from the veterinarians I interviewed and the pet books I read and put them in my ebook, listed above.
Losing our beloved pets is one of the most heartbreaking things we’ll ever experience. Our pets rely on us for everything, and give us everything in return. The bond is incomparable, and when it is broken by death….it feels impossible to recover.
It might be worth talking to a professional counselor about your feelings, if you feel like you’ve gone beyond “normal” grieving. It’s healthy to mourn our dogs and cats when they die, but if our grief is debilitating or getting in the way of daily functioning, then there may be something else going on.
I will keep you in my prayers, and hope you come back and let me know how you’re doing.
Blessings,
Laurie
My friend of 14 years passed away 4 days ago. Coupe was an Australian Kelpie Dog. She was our baby and we even referred to ourselves as Mum and Dad. We had to make a choice on Saturday to help our friend move onto the next world, we understood she was an old dog and had already had a long life but she was still alert and still wagging her tail when you came home. She was arthritic so she was slower than usual in moving. I was woken by my wife saturday morning because Coupe was acting strange. She seemed to be stumbling when she walked, she looked drunk and was finding it hard to get more than a couple of steps withou her backl legs giving way, after which she would get back up and walk another few steps till she got too her bed. her tail was between her legs and she looked sad. I told my wife it was probable a pinched nerve or arthritis and we would watch it. Things didnt improve and when she went to relieve herself she started swaying and tilting her heead. Then she just stood there staring at the fence. I lifted her head and turned her face to me and my heart broke, she was telling me something. I carried her inside and petted her and brought her water and food, she wouldnt eat. I told my wife it was time to take her to the vets to see what was wrong, when we got there the lookon the receptionist/nurses face said it all. We took her into the room and a vet came in and did tests. She said Coupe had an swollen liver, enlarged heart on at least one side and her breathing was laboured. Her temp was ok and she didnt ‘seem’ to be in pain. When the vet watched her trying to walk, she knew. She told us that we could do lots of tests, drugs and scans but her experience told her it was a brain tumor or brain cancer. I didnt know what to do next because i knew what was coming. She left us with coupe for 10 mins to chat, we both started crying, it seemed we were thinking the same thing, we stroked her head and petted her and told her we loved her, I couldnt hug her because she was lying flat down. The vet returned and could see that we had decided. They placed her on a beautiful blanket and i out my arm around her neck and leabed her head against my chest, my wife put hger arm around coupes waist and the vet told us to talk to her, we told her we loved her and my wife said “thank you” too her, then she just leaned against me, and was gone. We had 10 mins with her afterwards and we kissed her on the head and still whispered words of love into her hears. We took her home and I wanted to bury her straight away while she was soft and warm, the way I wanted to remember her. We buried her in a flower garden near the front door because she loved to lie at the door watching people pass. we put her favourite balls and lead in with her and made sure she was covered, kissed her head and covered her face and finished the burial. we went inside and raised a glass of wine to toast her, we cried uncontrollably for a while and comforted each other, then we just sat there and tried to watch tv and act normal.
That is the background to what happened then. Since that day my grief and guilt are spiralling out of control and I cant find peace. I started by asking all the normal questions, “was it the right time” shld we have waited. should we have tried to make her better first, did she still have some time left. The I felt guilty about a massive range of things like, should I have played with her more, should I have payed her more attention, should I have walked her more, Then I started on my actions before and after the vet visit, should I have hugged her more, did I say enough before I buried her, did I choose the best place to bury her, was she happy in her life with me, should I have seen the signs of her illness sooner, should I have had check ups done every year….then i felt guilty for throwing het old blanket out (was in disrepair), packing all the food away and even spraying down the concrete where she used to visit for the toilet. I cant stop, and its getting worse. I have found peace with the decision about putting her to rest as I found a website that explained the brain tumors and she had every symptom , so there was no doubt the vet was right and the consequencesd of letting it go on included terrible things like paralysis. Its everything else I cant cope with, all the questions rolling like waves, and I cry all the time, i still gfeel like I let her down when she trusted me and I feel like I should have taken her home for one more day to spend time with her, but the way she was, would she have just been in pain and torment, not eating, being sick , not being able to walk, was there any quality to even a last day for her? I miss her terribly and I cant find a way through. I just want to holf her once more.
Dear Denise Joy,
I am so sorry to hear how you lost your dog! That is awful. There is nothing worse than feeling like you caused your dog’s death in some way
I hope you realize that it wasn’t you or your mom’s fault. It was an accident, and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You should only feel guilty if you did something deliberately to cause your dog’s death — and you didn’t. Your poor dog was just unlucky that day…and so were you. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for sharing your story – it’ll help us cherish our pets all the more.
I hope you’re doing well, and healing from the guilt and loss you feel.
Blessings,
Laurie