How to Cope With Guilt After Your Cat or Dog Dies
Many Pet Owners Feel Guilty About Their Pet's Death
How do you stop feeling guilty after your dog or cat dies? Pet loss guilt is experienced by many pet lovers, even if they didn’t do anything wrong.
Why do we feel so guilty after our pets die?
“Dogs have given us their absolute all,” said Roger Caras. “We are the center of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made.”
Isn’t that a beautiful quotation about dogs? And it applies to cats, too — not the “serve” part, but the love and affection.
If you’re struggling with grief and guilt because of the circumstances surrounding your dog or cat’s death, read Letting Go of an Animal You Love: 75 Ways to Survive Pet Loss. I interviewed veterinarians, grief counselors, and pet experts for the best ways to survive the death of a beloved dog or cat, and I included stories from real pet owners who coped with guilt and grief in sometimes surprising ways.
How to Cope With Guilt After Your Cat or Dog Dies
One way to cope with guilty feelings after the death of your dog or cat is to accept that you made the best decision for your pet at the time. If you put your cat or dog to sleep, you made the best decision you could. Maybe you didn’t try every pet medication, alternative therapy, or special food that you could find – but you did the best you could. Take a deep breath, accept that you did the best you could, and let go of your guilt that your cat or dog died. You did the best you could.
Stop replaying the “if only” scenarios
“If I only I would’ve known my pet was sick, I would have acted differently…” We can only see clearly when we look back on what’s happened – because hindsight is 20/20, my friend. There is no value in replaying the “if only” scenarios…unless you replay them with a happier ending! Instead of looking back at the “if onlys”, focus on saying good-bye to your dog or cat — perhaps with a pet memorial.
Remember that you don’t know what would have happened
If you’re dealing with guilty feelings because of pet loss, you may think, “If only I would have recognized that he was sick earlier, I could have saved him.” The problem with this type of thinking is that you don’t know what really would have happened! Maybe it’d be a happily ever after ending – and maybe your pet would have died anyway. When we engage in the “if only” scenario, we deceive ourselves into thinking we could have saved our pet from death.
Know that you’re not alone – many pet owners feel guilty
Your feelings of anger, grief, and guilt over your pet’s death are felt by many people who lost their dogs or cats. We’re all mourning together, my friends…and our pets are watching and loving us from wherever they are. Make them proud and happy; there’s no room for sadness or guilt where they are.
If you’re struggling with grief and guilty feelings because of the circumstances surrounding your dog or cat’s death, read Letting Go of an Animal You Love: 75 Ways to Survive Pet Loss. I interviewed veterinarians, grief counselors, and pet experts for the best ways to survive the death of a beloved dog or cat, and I included stories from real pet owners who coped with guilt and grief in sometimes surprising ways.
If you have any thoughts on these ways to cope with guilty feelings after your dog or cat dies, please comment below…
Related Articles:
- When Your Cat Dies – 4 Ways to Cope With a Kitty’s Death
- How to Cope With Your Pet’s Death – Help From Veterinarians
- Healing After You Had to Put Your Pet Dog or Cat Down
Category: Cats and Kitty Tips, Dogs & Doggy Care Tips, Grief & Recovery Tips, Pet Care Tips
Hi girls, Thank you for your thoughts, and Hannah-Belle is sitting on the floor by my feet. I know it will not be long before she passes, and at least she will go peacefully. The room that she will pass in is quiet,beautiful, and has a fire place, couch, and recliners. I stay awake at night checking on her, as she sleeps with my mom who is OK for now. How are you all doing? I get worried for you all, you have very sad situations with your wonderful pets,but like the chaplain explained to me, death is death, no matter how pets, or people die.I must hang on to that. I am a very emotional person,and when I get real sad, I withdraw, but maybe this time, because you all are out there I will not. Thank Heavens for this site!!!!! Oh,I must say that Hannah is in no pain, and her breathing is good. The A.V.C. where I live is open 24/7 so Hannah and I are lucky for that. Take care everyone,and thanks again for thinking of my precious dog. Bye- Bye Patt
Dear Ruth,Carolyn,Helga, Patt and everyone else. Patt, please keep us updated. Ruth,I understand your pain. I have been through the deaths of several dogs from illness and old age and each time it gets harder. I have decided not to foster or adopt anymore dogs after my current ones pass on. I am sure your pet has held on as long as possible and would like to see you move on. It is very hard but you should keep going because of them. It may take a while but it will heal but the scar never goes away. When I sit and think of them,my tears start rolling. So, I keep strong because I know they would want to see me happy and not sad.
Hi again Ruth, Thanks for letting me/us know more about your doggie, Tammie. I am so sorry that you are upset for not being there with her at the end. That’s so distressing for you to be feeling. But, I would feel the SAME WAY as you, believe me. I understand.
(I, too, am STILL UPSET by the ending of my cat’s life last Monday, even though I WAS there!!! I still feel like I didn’t have enough time to say goodbye to her. Everything happened so quickly… too quickly for her AND ME.) I’m having a hard time accepting how things ended too.
People keep telling me that I shouldn’t feel guilty, but they are not the one that lost their pet, lived with this pet, talked with this pet, and they are not the person my pet “depended on”. I was responsible for her. She counted on me for everything about her. I still feel like I didn’t do enough for her.
But everything was not in my control, unfortunately. And that’s what is difficult to accept. Its so hard to let go of them. It feels like losing a part of yourself. Well, it was!
I’m glad that you took off a few days of work. You need some time to process all of this and get some balance back. Its a BIG BLOW to lose your pet, so just take things easy. (I’ve stayed in my pj’s most of the days this past week. I can’t even bring myself to put away her last dishes that she used.) I am doing better than last week though, so that is a good sign. Take care of you now. Be gentle with yourself. You’ve suffered a huge loss. And so has your other doggie! Please give him/her MORE hugs and kisses. He needs that so much now as well!
Take care.
Hi there Carolyn…. thankyou so much for taking the time out to read my message and sorry to hear of your loss to. They are such big parts of out lives arnt they. If I could feel less guilty about not being there when she passed then maybe I could grieve her properly.
Cannot believe I was too late. I did see her in the morning and we all decided to give her a little chance overnight but as the saying goes tomorrow never came.
She was officially our Nana’s dog Tammie a Bischon Frise who we have had since 7 weeks old she would have been 11 on the 18th Feb this year. She had the awful condition called Cushings disease which masked other illnesses. We only knew this on Sunday by a routine bloody test . She was Diabetic, had a tumour somewhere they werent sure as was pooing black.. It just all happened so suddenly. We also have a rescue dog Arthur who was besotted by her and is now lost he is very quiet. I have taken few days off work and have not changed out of my pyjamas since Sunday.. sure people think Im bonkers feeling like this over my dog but she wasnt just a dog she was our beloved girl x love and hugs to you .. hope you keep well .. thanks again Ruth
Dear Ruth of Llanelli, I am so sorry to hear about your pet losing her battle to illness. I feel for you. I know how you wanted to be there at the end of her life, whenever that came. Its a shame that she slipped away that quickly, before you got to see her once again. She must have been so sick. You were trying everything you and the vet could do to help her get better.
Was your pet a cat or dog? What was her name? How old was she? (I just lost the light of my life last Monday, my cat Carly, who I had for 16 happy years. I’ve been so sad, missing her so much! Its so quiet and empty here without her…).
Do you have some photos of her? It may help you to have one in a frame or just keep it right with you. (That is helping me. At least I can look at her photos when I’m missing her.) I even took her little I.D. tag and bought a thin silver chain to put it on, and now “I” wear it around MY neck. (SHE would never wear a collar, so never wore the pretty pink heart I.D. tag with her name engraved on it.) I like that I have something of her’s with me all the time. Maybe you can take something of her’s and make it your momento.
It is so difficult to come to terms with losing our pet. They are really an extension of ourselves! We put so much of our own personality into them, and they respond in kind! It is a wonderful bond. We get so much love from them that we want to give them so much love back. And it hurts us when we can’t do more to keep them here with us. Its hard to let go of them when they mean so much to us.
Be easy on yourself right now. You are suffering a big loss, and its a very emotional one. HUGS to you at this sorrowful time in your life.
Hi there, I lost my 4 legged friend on Sunday 4th Feb. After receiving a phone call from the vet to say Tammie wasnt 2 good I made my way down but I was 2 late. I am heartbroken for not being there when she needed me. Now I feel so awful for letting her down. She had Cushings Disease alingside we later found out with Diabetes we decided to try her on a drip as was being sick then we would make the decision of all being there to put her 2 sleep she couldnt wait no more. feel awful
Hello, Carolyn.Thank you for reading my story.Yes,i understand how you’re feeling right now.
I’ve already had all of my cat’s things out of sight, and the house feels even wronger that way. And all the small habits, like leaving the doors open so Barsa could walk in freely only to realize that there’s no need to to so anymore. But at least her things arent there as if waiting for her.
And as for dealing with loss, well, i’ve read somethere that the best way is to change something – replace furniture,have a haircut, ect. It sounds strange, but it may help.
Adopting new cat would be great, after some time. “I catn’t stand an empty house, I need to adopt a cat right now!”- i was like that all day, until i figured out that i just want my cat back so bad that i think a new one will replace her, and it’d be a bad thing for both of us.
Hello Helga, I read your post and I feel so bad for you losing your baby, Barsa, after 14.5 years together! I too just lost my little girl cat, after 16 years! It is a terrible loss, isn’t it? I feel just as you do…. there’s this big emptiness in my heart and life! I miss her so much. I still haven’t removed all of her things yet. I think that will take a long while before I’m able to put them away. I hear your pain and feel awful that your beloved cat is no longer with you. If you were nearby, I would come pick you up and take you out for lunch or coffee, and give you some big hugs! Today I called a pet loss grief counselor. She gave me some consolation and suggested (when I’m up to it) to maybe volunteer at an animal shelter, where I could have some contact with animals “in my cat’s honor”. That way, I could share my over-flow of emotions in a positive way with some cats that are needing love and care. That’s something I have thought about in the past, so I think I may (later, of course). Helga, and others, maybe that would be an option for you, to give our love to other animals who need us so much. It would surely help them, and it would help us cope with this big hole in our lives too. Just an idea to think about…..
Dear Patt, Thank you for your response to my blog post about losing my baby, Carly. I am still in a lot of pain over having to let go of her. Its so difficult. This is going to take a lot of grief work to get to a better place, and I know it will take a long time for me. I hope I can do it.
About your situation, I heard you say that your mom has Dementia and your dog sticks by her like glue. That’s so sweet. Pets are amazing in how they are so tuned in to the people that love them! How is Hanna-belle today? I wish her well. She sounds wonderful. I hope you are ok too, dealing with both your mom and your pet. Please let me know…
xo
Hi Carolyn, I just read your post, and I am so sorry for all your pain. You have a heavy heart full of pain, and suffering, but somehow you must get to the place where you took all of your precious cats pain away. The last thing your cat saw was your loving eyes, and felt your loving arms.I held my cat in my arms while he was passing with my vet, and that was in the 80s. As I have posted before, I will always remember that pain, but you get through it. You did so much for your pet, and you must pat yourself on the back for that.At some time maybe later on you can get another pet, I do not know if I could, but I am trying to help. I have a friend who the day after gets a new pet. I could never do that, but every one is different. Please take of you, and I will be thinking the good thoughts for you. God Bless Patt
Hello, everyone. I’ve just lost my beloved cat, Barsa, who i’ve grown up with. I really don’t know that to do. Its empty, dark end cold…every little thing reminds me of her.
It was wrong diagnosis, wrond meds and maybe age (14,5) that killed her. And i woke up just a minutes after her last breath…than had to call my vet to say 2 weeks of struggling were in vain. Cant stop tears…
Hello fellow pet parents. I just had to let go of my 16-year-old cat, Carly, on Monday evening 12/30/12, by letting her be put to sleep by our vet. My heart is aching and broken. Nothing is the same. Nothing means anything to me now, because I miss her so much. We were together almost 24/7 for the past 2 1/2 years. She had not been well for past 4 to 5 years. She was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism a few years ago, and was losing weight continuously. She was put on medication, which helped some, but had side effects. She still went downhill. She also had a very bad sinus infection that wouldn’t quit. Fast forward to this past year, she was not well at all. I even tried a couple of herbal meds because I was desperate to find something to help her. A few months ago I even found and got her a new prescription food from the vet. Last week I took her to the vet for another follow up checkup for exam, weight and bloodwork. She had lost weight again. A few days later, she was getting weaker and more lethargic. On Monday 12/30 I thought she had a stroke. She woke up from a nap and couldn’t get her balance and stand, nor could she walk. And when she did, she went to her dishes just a few feet away, and “fell” into her water dish and couldn’t get up! It was so frightening! I took her to the vet, and he did an exray of her body and found a very large abdominal tumor plus fluid around her heart. He showed me that on her exray. He said she didn’t have long to live and recommended I let her be put to sleep. I always dreaded that decision, but I was afraid to bring her home because she was getting worse. So, I held her head in my hand as she laid on her side and the vet gave her the injection. It was over so fast, and I couldn’t believe she was truly gone! I’ve had a “pit” in my stomach and a headache ever since. I am so profoundly “lost” and sad. I don’t think I will EVER get over her passing!!! Nothing else was as important as her life. I took care of her almost 24/7, to keep her going. I was home with her and we shared our daily lives. I was a 24/7 mom and nurse to her for the past 2 1/2 years. I miss her presence so much! We were 2 peas in a pod, all the time! It was just the 2 of us here, and we enjoyed each other’s company much. I don’t know what I will do without her. Her things are still around the house. I just can’t bear to remove them. I “need” things of hers around me, to feel like she is still sort of here. I don’t know what else to do to comfort myself about this loss. I feel such guilt for having her put down. I didn’t know that Monday would be her last day. But I did know that she hasn’t been well for a long time, and she was barely holding on. I encouraged her to hold on until Christmas, so we could have that special time together. And she did. And I just had my birthday, and she held on for that too. She had been slipping away right before my eyes, and I had been doing a lot to keep her ok and living. I didn’t know what else to do for her. I am having a hard time coping with the loss of her. Does anyone have suggestions for healing? I welcome your ideas. I am at a loss for what I can do to feel ok about letting her go. I am devastated that she is gone. She was such a huge part of me.
Thank you for reading my story.
Hi everyone and Patt, I pray Hannah is feeling better. She is really special. Just an update my dogs are still alive. I have moved three of them to aother premise nearby. Everyday, I will visit them,sometimes twice a day. I have to keep them caged or tied up as they have tried to follow my car home by running on a busy road,how heart wrenching when I see that. Everytime I get ready to go,they will be crying or trying to ask me to take them home by using their paw to hold onto my hand. But at the end of the day,the important thing is that they are still around. Thanks for listening when I felt down. Part,please keep us updated.
Hi Everyone, and Jenifer Loo, How are you doing since you lost your beloved pets since the first of the year, and before that? Have you gotten over your pain, and I should say gotten through that pain?
I feel like the end of the world as I know it, is happening to me. Hannah- belle had a fever this morning, and it scared the crap out of me. They say not to panic, but I am. My beloved mom said she could not go, and see her pass.She is close to that too, as I have posted before, but they, the docs, said mom has dementia last week, and I think Hannah knows, as she never leaves mom side, even to the bathroom. Hannah is truly something special, and I get this feeling she is waiting for mom, could that be possible? I am sorry I am rambling on, but I just need to know how everyone is doing? It will help. Patt