Oct 192009
 

Moving on after splitting up with someone you love is especially difficult when you don’t have relationship closure. These six tips for finding freedom after heartbreak will help you move on after a relationship breakup — especially if you’re not ready to let your ex go.

“Sometimes the partner ending the relationship doesn’t quite know themselves why they are ending it – it’s more of a feeling or intuitive urge,” says transformational coach and author Gini Grey. “Because I work from an energetic and spiritual perspective with clients, I’ve seen relationships end that made no sense to the client I was working with.”

Below, Grey describes how to let go of someone you love when you don’t have relationship closure from a spiritual/intuitive perspective. And, I added tips from a practical, psychological viewpoint. For more help with moving on after a relationship breakup, read Ex-Free: 9 Keys To Freedom After Heartbreak.

Freedom After Heartbreak – Moving on After a Relationship Breakup

Change how you’re thinking about your ex and the breakup. Grey explains the importance of turning inward when you don’t understand why your partner doesn’t love you anymore. Look at your relationship and ex from a more energetic/spiritual/intuitive place, and begin to see the ‘why’s. “People may not even be able to explain it intellectually but they get it on a deeper level and find peace as a result,” she says, suggesting that heartbroken people take time in a “meditative state” and look at the relationship as though it is outside of themselves.

Notice what messages come when you ask these questions:

  • Why were we together? (purpose of relationship – to grow, learn, love, heal a pattern etc.)
  • Why has the relationship ended? (look from both perspectives as sometimes a partner leaves because the other has outgrown them spiritually)
  • What is the benefit of us splitting up? (there is usually a benefit to anything ending, even though it feels painful going through the grieving at first)
  • What is my next best step? (you might get an image of something, a sensation or just a knowing what to do next)

“The important thing is to stay out of the intellect trying to analyze things as that only blocks the higher truth,” says Grey. “Looking at it from a centered, grounded place can be very illuminating.”

Shift your focus from loss to new beginnings. This is difficult to do when you’re trying to let go of someone you love and you don’t have closure, but it’s very healthy! Instead of ruminating on your loss and the way things were, start planning your new life. What have you always wanted to do? What interests have you allowed to slide, that you can now focus on? Start thinking about your life goals – and remember that there is life after splitting up with your partner!

***

The rest of this article has been moved to my new site, “Quips and Tips for Love Relationships.”

Please go to Getting Over Getting Dumped to continue reading!

***

If you want to get back together with your ex, you might find The Magic of Making Up helpful.

laurie pawlik kienlenI'm Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen (but I wish my name was Rosie Frost!). I'm a bookworm, travel bug, flute player, writer. My husband and I live in Vancouver, Canada with our cat and dogs.

Are you happy? My Grade 10 Social Studies teacher, Mr Merritt, always used to ask me that. And I am happy - despite a difficult childhood (schizophrenic mother, no father, foster homes), infertility, an eating disorder, and a chronic illness. The source of my peace and joy is God; I'm a Christian.

How is your life unfolding - what do you need? I welcome your big and little comments below, about big or little things. I can't give you advice, but writing can give you clarity and insight.

In peace and passion.... Laurie

  7 Responses to “Freedom After Heartbreak – Moving on After a Relationship Breakup”

  1. Laurie,

    Thanks for your encouragement…I will definately be picking up a copy of Dr. Dyer’s book today. I will let you know my progress!

    Jayce

  2. Jayce,

    I wish I hadn’t missed your comment until now — somehow, your story and request for insight got by me!

    And Jibril, thanks for sharing your story and helping Jayce…I’m so glad you were here.

    I don’t know if you’ll see this, Jayce, but I wanted to encourage you to read Dr Wayne Dyer’s books. He discusses how to move on from the past, how to let go of people you’ve loved and lost, how to forgive people, how to release bitterness and regret. He’s an inspirational author and speaker, and I love reading his stuff! My husband and I are visiting family for the holidays, and we listened to Dr Wayne Dyer’s books on tape….and he can help you do anything from moving on after splitting up to pursuing your life goals and dreams.

    Anyway, I apologize for missing your comment, and hope you’re doing better these days!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  3. Jibril,

    Thanks for sharing your story with me and offering your kind thoughts and friendship. I am saddened by your tragedy of love at such a young age but thrilled to hear you are a true survivor. Unanswered questions have left me unstable and introverted. So not my personality at all. I have always been outgoing, stable, and grounded, I just want to find that person again. Stay stong, you have so many more paths to discover, I know you will find love again!

  4. Hi Jayce,

    I’ve just read your post and it seems like you’ve been through a lot. I understand how you feel completely, I am not a counselor or anything but I have been through something similar and know what you are going through. I feel for you and if you need someone to talk to, I’ll be a good friend :)… Here’s a little about me: My name is Jibril, I just turned 20 and got to this page by googling “introvert” which led me to an article written by Laurie. It was touching and I could relate to everything she wrote so I decided to read more of her articles and I’m thankful for her writing very much. Not long ago I was in a serious relationship that lasted almost 4 years. Yes it started when I was young but I’ve always been more mature and had strong feelings and emotions but I rarely expressed anything to anyone but “her”. The relationship ended on a horrible note at the worst moment possible. I went from happiest person alive to suicidal and hospitalized in a psychiatric home after a failed attempt. I’ve spent months thinking and analyzing why where how when. Being an introvert didn’t help me at all as I was spending every second thinking, months of living in my brain asking myself questions. I am much better today and completely over it and I can see things clearly. I feel like you have been through much more than me but just know you’re not the only one. There is happiness and love right around the corner, please smile and think positively I know it will get better for you. I am sure Laurie will be of great help. SMILE! :D

  5. I ran across your website googling “letting go of someone you love when you don’t have closure”. It’s been nearly 3 years and I have yet to accomplish it…and what’s worse, I just learned he got married and this will never happen!

    I met my ex bf when I was 41 and he was 36…in the early weeks of our relationship, we both agreed to be honest with one another if either of us wanted out of the relationship. So just after 2 years when he blindsided me with “your just not the one”, I merely walked away with my closure. Although the words were hurtful, I appreciated his honesty. I admit it was a shocker, since nothing led up to it. We spent every day together and had so much in common. But the break-up was short-lived, we got back together after being apart 5 weeks. Within a year, he got down on one knee and said “you’re the one, will you spend the rest of your life with me”? We made so many beautiful memories together during those 5 years, rarely disagreeing. Friends envied our relationship filled with all the love, loyalty, trust, respect and affection you could ever need. Strangers would randomly tell us what a beautiful couple we were. So a month before the wedding, I was blindsided again, he needed a break from the relationship to figure it all out, so I moved out, vowing it’s over! His means of communication turned to text messaging, hoping I would forgive him someday to I deserve so much better than him. I was devastated to say the least! So while I’m in counseling trying to heal a broken heart, he moves a girl (15 years younger than him and opposite his type) into the home we we’re buying…through friends I learned they argued, fussed and fight making complete spectacles of themselves. I couldn’t understand why he opted out of sanity for insanity but either way, it didn’t last but a couple of months. As the calendar approached 1 year of our break-up, I finally contacted him and asked if we could meet up, so I could retain closure! He agreed to this, but instead of closure, I received mixed messages! He came to meet me with another couple (friends of ours) as if this were a double date…after a bit of the charade, I took him aside and said I was here for closure and not to get back together. He told me I was too prideful! I admit that’s a true statement, but this has nothing to do with closure. Obviously nothing was resolved in this get together and I left feeling more confused. I agreed to meet him a few more times after this but always felt like it was a date, we wound up talking about the memories we made. And that was really difficult because I was truly still in love with him and this made me uncomfortable. I decided to point blank ask him, “are you using this time to put us back together and avoid any closure between us”? He told me yes, but he didn’t want to get married! Hearing that devastated me all over again…I chose to cut off all communications with him, blocking his phone number and email. That was a year ago and the last words he told me. He just recently married and again hooking up with a girl 15 years younger and again not even close to his type. I’ve gone to counselors, talked to friends and family, but don’t want to continue dwelling on this. Without closure, I have completely shut down emotionally to receive or give any love. The ending of the relationship has left me bitter, so out of the norm of who I truly am. I have my own thoughts of middle age crazy but would really appreciate all intuitive thoughts to aid in me regaining myself again and closing that door!

  6. That’s funny that you have pizza night too, Gini! Great appetites eat alike :-)

    Thanks for adding your insights into letting go of someone you love. It’s so important to get out of the “why did this happen to me, I’m so devastated” mindset, into the “this happened for a reason, and maybe it’s a good one — maybe my life will be better, happier, and healthier” way of thinking. And, learning about yourself and your partner — and your way of being in a relationship — is also important.

  7. Hi Laurie – wonderful article and so nice to see my insights quoted here! I had to laugh when you mentioned your Sunday pizza nights with your hubby, as Fri night is our pizza night and we both look so forward to it.

    I’d love to add two other things here to your tips:

    1) When looking at what went wrong in the relationship, try shifting it from ‘wrong’ to something else like, ‘changed’. Relationships ending are not always because of a major problem, but are sometimes just two people growing in different directions and not connecting in the same way or wanting the same things anymore.

    Another way to look at it is with law of attraction – like attracts like. If one partner shifts there energetic vibration to a new level but the other partner doesn’t, the two don’t resonate and if the gulph between them becomes large enough (and there’s nothing that can be done to bridge it without compromising one’s identity, life purpose or way of being)then it is best to part for the wellbeing of both partners.

    2) Another thing that comes up for people sometimes when they leave a partner is guilt. They feel bad for not having a good reason to leave or they just feel bad for leaving as though they are abandoning the other. Something helpful to remember in this case is that if you are not happy and fulfilled in the relationship you are doing the other a favor by getting out of it and giving them a chance to mourn your loss and move on to a more suitable relationship or to explore themselves as an individual or heal relationship patterns etc.

    Gini