As we are now on the eve of 2008, many of us look back at where we’ve been and where we’re going. We all know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different outcome.  So if you resolve to re-commit to any unfulfilled goal (lose 10 pounds, quit smoking, find a new job, etc.), I have some suggestions for taking the struggle out of the process.  

“One cannot be content to creep when one has the urge to soar.” - Helen Keller

(For more info about this guest author, click on her book cover: You Turn: Changing Direction in Midlife. Dr. Nancy Irwin is a psychotherapist, speaker, and author). 

Setting New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep

Write your goals or New Year’s Resolutions down.  You can write them in your journal, in your Palm Pilot, or on a cocktail napkin.  The physical act of writing anything down commands that “Google search engine” that is your subconscious mind to attract resources, information, anything you need to attain that goal.  Further, as soon as you attain one goal, create another.   Keep a constant “Things to Do List” for your life.  

When writing your goals down, just remember to make them SMART:

Specific and Simple.   The subconscious, which is where all behavior comes from, needs clarity and precision.  Broad goals or New Year’s Resolutions such as “I will be happier in 2006″ are too vague. As yourself what specifically would make you happier? A new career?  Make that your goal.  The subconscious is a doer, not a thinker, and it must receive the bottom line, crystal clear bulleted targets: “I’m enrolling in law school.” Or I’m being promoted to vice president.” Or “I’m becoming a non-smoker.”  Don’t flood the engine of the subconscious with TMI (too much information) such as complex business plans and financial projections from the data processing department.

Measurable and Meaningful.  How will you know when you’ve gotten your goal? To make New Year’s Resolutions that you can keep, make it easy for your subconscious to help you attain your goal. “I’m making $250,000 this year.” “I’m doubling my sales quotas.”  These are “idiot proof” measures that anyone (including your subconscious) can recognize and applaud.

Your goals or New Year’s Resolutions should be meaningful to you.   I can’t tell you how many people think they have no willpower or that they constantly self-sabotage. Actually, at the root of it all, they simply don’t want that goal. Perhaps they keep failing the Bar Exam because they really don’t want to be an attorney…they’ve been trying to please their parents, or someone else.  Make sure your goals are in line with YOUR dreams, because it will show up in your work, in your health, in your heart, in your face, and in your life.

Achievable. There is no point in chasing after a goal that is unachievable (although with quantum physics, the unachievable is beginning to be a thing of the past).  It’s an unachievable goal for President George w. Bush to hold a third term. There are certain professional standards and limitations that we must honor, and allow them to guide us setting our goals - and making New Year’s Resolutions we can keep.

Act as if you have it now, and it is simply a matter of time before it becomes reality.  This is not delusion…unless of course you are constantly affirming that you are the Queen of England!  You begin calling yourself to a higher level, clearing fears and obstacles out of your way, and summoning all the forces of the environment to fall in line with the new you.  It is rehearsal.  It’s training your subconscious to draw its attention to your goal to manifest it.  You will be shocked and amazed at how many “coincidences” begin occurring when you stand in your commitment.  

Realistic and Responsible.   Our goals or New Year’s Resolutions must be realistic.  I can hardly expect to become an attorney if I have not completed law school and passed the Bar Exam.  Our goals must be in line with our training, experience, as well as our desires. 

When you’re making New Year’s Resolutions, set responsible, ecological goals.  It may not be responsible to open a liquor store if your spouse is an alcoholic.  Rethink any goals that may damage the environment or cause others to suffer.

Timed and Toward.  Give your goal a deadline (first quarter of the next year by March, in 5 years, etc).  If you miss the deadline, no need to beat yourself up.  Simply reset it and re-commit.  Quantifying and qualifying goals keep us in action and fosters a fun, sportsmanlike spirit about it.  When we simply say:  “I’m becoming a better golfer,” then losing just one stroke has technically made you a better golfer.   Setting a specific goal (”I’m consistently scoring within 3 points of par by the end of this year” gives you a healthy sense of urgency in attaining your goal or New Year’s Resolutions.

You might consider designing a goal that moves toward something positive or pleasurable as opposed to moving from something negative or painful. When we want a new job just because we hate our current one, we will probably recreate the same misery, if not worse.  This is because we get what we focus on. For example, Martin Luther King, Jr.’s dream was not based on moving people away from racial injustice, oppression and discrimination, but rather it was toward brotherhood, equality, and freedom for everyone.   When you’re making New Year’s Resolutions, use this as a map for a world of difference and power in your goal attainment.

So rather than focusing on losing 20 lbs because you are a fat pig who can’t get your clothes, focus on overall health and fitness and fitting in that ideal suit size again.  The first mindset has a limited, negative charge (down) and the latter is positive (up) and limitless.   Where are there more possibilities:  in outer space or in the ground? 

Now go out and get your goals!

Dr. Nancy Irwin is a psychotherapist/therapeutic hypnotist in private practice in Los Angeles , and the author of You Turn: Changing Direction in Midlife. Learn more about the book at www.makeayou-turn.com or about her therapy services at  www.drnancyirwin.com.

• November 18, 2008 — 10 Reasons Why New Year’s Resolutions Don’t Work
• October 12, 2008 — Movies About Strong Women Who Followed Their Dreams
• August 31, 2008 — 7 Rules for Making Your Dreams Come True: How to Achieve Goals for Women
• August 29, 2008 — Tips for Student Success in College
• August 6, 2008 — How Successful Women Achieve Great Goals

Admit it.  Even though you predictably set them year after year, your New Year’s resolutions rarely stick.  23% of us break them in a week and 45% by the end of the month.  So why don’t they work?  Let’s take a look at ten reasons why you may be frustrated and how to turn things around.

1.  You haven’t made room in your life for a new priority. The odds are that something’s got to go if you’re really serious about achieving a new goal.  Determine and declare your top five priorities and be willing to let go of the rest–at least for now.

2.  You’re trying to change something that’s a symptom of a bigger issue. You may be trying to change a bad habit  or a certain behavior, like smoking or overeating, by developing more self-discipline.  Why not do the real work by looking within yourself to understand how you got there in the first place?

3.  You’re changing something because you think you should change it –not because you want to change it. External pressures or doing the ‘right’ thing won’t cut it in the end.  What really counts is what you want.  Figure out what inspires you from the inside and then devote yourself to it.

4.  You’ve chosen a goal that’s too big. Although you may be initially excited about the prospect of achieving a large goal, you could feel deflated once reality sets in.  Chop your resolution down into bite-size pieces and accomplish it one bite at a time.

5.  You haven’t learned to say “no” to people and projects that’ll distract you. As much as you want your resolutions to stick, you may find yourself devoting precious time and energy elsewhere–whether it’s on “want-tos” or “have-tos”.  You can only do so much, so get comfortable using the word “no” to avoid distractions.

6.  You don’t set up the structure for making change happen. You may be adding a resolution into your mix without coming  up with a master plan and schedule to make it a part of your life.  Put a system in place that’ll support the change by giving you the structure you need.

7.  You don’t seek out someone to hold you accountable. It’s easy to lose focus when we don’t have accountability. Whether it’s a coach, trainer, doctor, relative, or close friend, seek out someone who you can trust to be there for you.  Plus, tell him or her on the front end when and how you want support.

8.  You let the resolution rule your life. If you go overboard pursuing your resolution, you may put too much pressure on the rest of your life and find it hard to maintain it.  Set realistic expectations, plan for them, and get support. Plus, give yourself some extra room by telling your family, friends and colleagues in advance that your attention may be off them for awhile.

9.  You don’t take consistent action. You won’t go the distance with sporadic spurts of activity. Commit to do one thing a day - no matter how small - that puts you closer to your goals.

10.  You don’t celebrate the small victories. If your eyes are glued on the prize, you may be “living in the gap” between where you are and where you want to be. Set yourself up to succeed by celebrating the small victories. Success breeds success, so make them all count.

Laura Berman Fortgang, a pioneer in the life coaching field, is the author of three self help books and the upcoming The Little Book on Meaning (Tarcher-Penguin, coming April 2009). For more info, visit her blog or her website. 

• November 19, 2008 — Making New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep: An Expert’s Advice on Smart Goals
• October 12, 2008 — Movies About Strong Women Who Followed Their Dreams
• August 31, 2008 — 7 Rules for Making Your Dreams Come True: How to Achieve Goals for Women
• April 25, 2008 — Recognizing Unhealthy Goals and Setting New Ones

These tips for an organic lifestyle are from Debbie Wiener, interior designer and author of Slob Proof! Real-Life Design Solutions - and they’ll help make your home healthy.

“If you suffer from seasonal mood disorders including stress, anxiety or depression, bring full spectrum light fixtures and light bulbs into your home,” says Wiener.

And below she explains how easy it is! For more info about her book, click on Slob Proof!  Read on to learn how to lessen the effects of seasonal effective disorder and stress….

8 Easy Ways to Make Your Home Eco-Friendly

1. When painting, use specially formulated paints for low odor and low VOC (volatile organic compounds-the stuff EPA regulates to control air pollution) emission. These paints are available in latex flat, eggshell and semi-gloss finishes-so they’re also easy to apply and clean up. One option is Benjamin Moore’s “Pristine EcoSpec” interior paints.

2. Limit household dust and improve indoor air quality by factoring in a sleek, new air purifier to your decorating budget. According to the EPA, indoor air quality is the worst environmental problem in the country-responsible for more respiratory problems than any other source. New air purifiers are made to blend in with your décor, run quietly and cost just pennies to operate a month. Beside the health benefits, a dust and odor free home will extend the life of your fabrics and soft furnishings.

3. Soft Roman-fold shades made from inexpensive natural duck cloth (a heavy weight cotton), linen or woven reeds and grasses look good on windows and many styles provide ample light control and privacy. Best of all, they’re all natural and easy to clean with a vacuum attachment.

4. Be green-literally-with foliage and flower arrangements. They’re an economical way to add vibrant color, interest and texture to room décop. Choose plants and flowers with low allergy potential such as ivy, ferns, snap dragons, viola tricolour, pansies, impatiens, lobelia, petunia, periwinkle, alyssum, begonia, clematis, columbine, crocus, daffodil, daisy, dusty miller, geranium, hosta, iris, lily, narcissus, phlox, rose, salvia,  sunflower, tulip, verbena and zinnia. An empty corner or table top filled with plants and flowers in decorative pots and baskets is not only pleasing to the eye, but provides an extra ration of beneficial oxygen.

5. Removing street shoes at the door keeps the petrochemicals in street tar and resurfacing materials from moving through your home. Purchase a large decorative basket with a washable cloth liner or purchase a wooden shoe tray to leave at the door and hold shoes. Your floors will not only be “healthier”, they will last longer and look better.

6. Maximize storage space and increase the value of your home by installing cedar shelving in your closets. You’ll not only protect your wardrobe, but you’ll also eliminate the need for foul smelling, chemical laden mothballs.

7. Light can drastically impact your mood and your health. If you suffer from seasonal mood disorders including stress, anxiety or depression, bring full spectrum light fixtures and light bulbs into your home. You’ll reduce fatigue and irritability because full spectrum light reduces levels of cortisol, the stress hormone secreted naturally in our bodies. Along with many other documented health benefits, full spectrum light slows the aging of eye retinas and promotes a feeling of well being. This is because, unlike conventional fluorescent and incandescent lighting, full spectrum light is like natural daylight-it has the same wavelengths of color, and in the same proportions, as a naturally occurring rainbow. Most indoor lighting is yellow/orange, from the narrowest part of the light spectrum. In addition, you should look for opportunities to maximize your exposure to natural light. Try moving a work area or breakfast table in front of a window to benefit from the natural light coming through.

8. Placing unscented pillar candles of varying heights on fireplace grates looks great in a woodburning fireplace that you don’t use. They create a warm and inviting atmosphere when lit. Today’s gas and electric fireplace inserts are also wonderful, clean burning alternatives- without the smoke and smell that wood fires generate- and can be outfitted in almost any conventional fireplace.

Debbie Wiener is an interior designer and the author of “Slob Proof! Real-Life Design Solutions” (October 2008, Penguin / Alpha Books).  Her firm Designing Solutions is based in Silver Springs, Maryland, and she is a frequent guest on Martha Stewart Radio.

If you found 8 Easy Ways to Make Your Home Eco-Friendly helpful, try:

• An Interior Designer Reveals How to Choose Paint Colors for Your Home
• Easy Ways to Declutter Your Bedroom & Kitchen
• Natural Beauty Cosmetics: 8 Eco-Friendly Ways to Wear Makeup

• October 9, 2008 — The Best Halloween Decorations: Scary Homemade & Store-Bought Tips & Tricks
• September 21, 2008 — An Interior Designer Reveals How to Choose Paint Colors for Your Home
• July 19, 2008 — Natural Beauty Cosmetics: 8 Eco-Friendly Ways to Wear Makeup

First a quip about cash from the woman who was the editor-in-chief of Cosmo for over 30 years:

“Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort,” said Helen Gurley Brown.

To learn about saving money every day of the year, click on A Tip a Day With Ellie Kay: 12 Months Worth of Money Saving Ideas (this is a good gift for the budget-challenged friends and family!) Here’s what the good folks at Bills.com say about saving money on Christmas gifts - the easy way. 

10 Christmas Money Saving Tips

1. Visualize your perfect holiday. How do you envision your perfect holiday? For some, a holiday isn’t a holiday without piles of gifts. But for most people, the holidays really are about family, friends, fun and peace. Imagine how you can bring those values into your holiday celebrations. Then, stand by your goals. Inform “gift-grubbing” friends or family that you want to make the holidays more meaningful this year, and explain that you will be finding ways to share experiences, rather than giving expensive gifts. Another Christmas money saving tip is to limit gifts to one per person even if the recipient usually expects more. By setting expectations early, you can avoid significant holiday disappointment, blues and stress.

2. Plan and budget first. Much holiday stress is caused by finances and by lack of planning. Before the mall’s holiday tunes jingle your willpower away, think practically about Christmas money saving tips. For instance, plan and budget for all items you anticipate spending on this holiday season. Remember to include:

• Everyone you’ll give a gift to and how much you plan to spend.
• Cards and postage.
• Decorations.
• Entertaining, including food, drink, special garments, child care, etc.
• Year-end tips for newspaper carriers, babysitters, housecleaners, doormen, hairdressers and other service providers.
• Gifts for teachers, doctors, neighbors or others close to your family.
• Travel costs.

Then you can make sure to purchase just what you need. No budget? No shopping. Put the car keys down until you look at your bills, your checkbook, and your savings balance - and, if you have a spouse, until you have a discussion. Decide what you can afford and want to spend on the holidays.

2. Take inventory before shopping. A painfree Christmas money saving tip is to scour your closets, under your bed or anywhere you might have stashed your clever, early purchases. Think back: Did you stock up on Grandpa’s argyle socks at last year’s post-holiday sales? Check before you rush out to buy a few more pairs now.

3. Shop early online. Avoid stress of malls altogether, skip the temptation of store displays, and steer clear of the hassle of fighting over the last must-have toy. Buy online, especially when you find free shipping deals. You won’t buy a thing more than your list includes. And you can find especially good bargains if you find free shipping to out-of-state family and friends.

4. Time it right. If you really do need to go to a mall, avoid the busiest times to avoid stress. If possible, go early in the day when stores open or late on a weeknight. Take advantage of many stores’ extended hours during the holiday season. Monday night at 9 p.m. can be very quiet, even in mid-December. Another Christmas money saving tip is to try to avoid weekends.

5. Delegate. An effective Christmas money saving tip is to decide who - in your family or group of friends - will shop for each recipient. This can help ensure you get to priority sales and stores, especially if trying to shop on Black Friday or other busy days, and make sure no one doubles up. If you and your daughter split up at the mall, and you both spend $100 on Dad, whose gift budget was $100, you’ve outdone yourselves - in a bad way.

6. Give what YOU can afford. Do not give what your mother believes she deserves, a gift equal to what your sister-in-law gave you last year, enough presents to make a ski-slope-sized pile under the tree, or whatever unrealistic measure might be luring you toward overspending. Would your loved ones want you to suffer financially in order to give them a bigger gift? Surely not. Give reasonably, with a generous smile.

7. Have a card-signing party. In lieu of gifts to friends, a painfree Christmas money saving tip is to prepare holiday cards together. Ask each attendee to bring cookies or an appetizer. You provide drinks, tables to write on, and plenty of pens. The fun will provide more memories than a gift and incur no financial stress.

8. Slip and slide in the snow. Have a kids’ afternoon that will wear little bodies out (a gift to parents, too!) and provide fun memories. A Christmas money saving tip is to make a snowman, a snow fort, have a snowball fight or go sledding. Live in a warm-weather climate? Try a trip to the beach or a nearby hike. Afterwards, invite everyone in for hot cocoa. If you feel like spending a few dollars, spring for a few gingerbread house kits. Kids can take their creations home to last all season.

9. Give by giving. Ask your family to think of activities you can do all through the holiday season, rather than just purchasing a gift. The gift of time and caring can mean much more than a present — for giver and recipient. A compassionate Christmas money saving tip is to shovel snow for an elderly neighbor, or get a group together to surprise neighbors with an old-fashioned caroling party.

10. Get creative with at-home coupons. Another Christmas money saving tip is to get into the at-home “gift card” tradition with homemade coupons. Kids can give parents coupons for prized commodities like “No whining” or “No begging.” Parents can offer up unexpected treats kids love, like “Make cookies together,” “Get out of one punishment free” or “Choose candy for movie night.” Personalize a coupon pack with the recipient’s favorite color or stickers featuring a favorite animal to help you save money at Christmas. 

Based in San Mateo, Calif., Bills.com is a free one-stop portal where consumers can educate themselves about complex personal finance issues and comparison shop for products and services including credit cards, debt relief assistance, insurance, mortgages and other loans.

• November 14, 2008 — Romantic Holiday Gifts for Him or Her: Saying “I Love You” at Christmas
• November 12, 2008 — Overcoming Holiday Depression: 8 Ways to Stay Happy at Christmas and Thanksgiving
• November 9, 2008 — How to Host a Holiday Dinner Party: 6 Tips for Thanksgiving or Christmas Feasts
• November 1, 2008 — Holiday Weight Loss Tips
• October 18, 2008 — 10 Holiday Stress Relievers for Kids

This widow lost her husband after a six year battle with Parkinson’s Disease. Here are her coping tips for grieving spouses, plus a few extra tips for healthy mourning.

“If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble,” said Moliere.

Instead of avoiding your feelings of loss, consider George Eliot’s wise words on mourning:

“She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.”

Accepting - and maybe even embracing - loss may be one of the healthiest ways to cope with death. For more information on coping with a loved one’s death, click on the book Widowed Too Soon: A Young Widow’s Journey Through Grief, Healing, and Spiritual Transformation by Laura Hirsch. And, read on to learn how Kathleen Airdrie coped with the death of her husband.

A Widow Rediscovering Personal Inner Strength

by Kathleen Airdrie

My husband bravely, but with sadness, faced the truth of his fading good health and active life.  He was a man who loved the outdoors, our canoe journeys on the rivers and lakes, and our gardens.  A musician, he entertained at community events that included wedding receptions and charitable functions. 

The diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease was frightening because we knew that there was no cure.  Throughout the following six years as his condition worsened we cried together often.  Deprived of his balance, he couldn’t enjoy the canoe, and with the tremors increasing and his strength lessening, he could not play his fiddle. We faced it together, in our home, until pneumonia ended his life one cold February day.

After his death, a profound sense of loss overwhelmed me.  Family members were helpful, but I had the terrible and terrifying feeling of being lost - away from myself. I could hear their voices, understand the actual words, but not really comprehend enough to participate in real conversations. 

My meals were merely snacks; enough to sustain me. Sleep was fitful.  While walking through my home in the semi darkness, I felt a strange comfort.  During those awful, long days I tried to tend to daily tasks, but accomplished very little.  The loneliness and pervading sense of loss weighed heavily on me.

A wonderful friend who truly listened to me and was supportive during my darkest days, shared my first ‘breakthrough’ moment with me. About three months after my husband’s death I told her that a family member reacted angrily to my response that I was just sort of coping.  Raising her voice, she told me to ‘get over it’.      

I told my friend about how that remark made me sad, but mostly angry, then suddenly realized that the spark of anger was something I’d not felt since my husband’s death.  We saw that as a hopeful sign.

Winter faded into spring.  I wandered down to the gardens where we spent so many wonderful hours.  In one of our flower gardens that still held snow, a tiny blossom peeked through - a Johnny-Jump-Up.  I smiled at the lovely example of survival.

While giving all of my attention and energies to the gardens that summer I gradually regained my physical and emotional strengths. I began to eat better meals and sleep through most nights.  Sometimes I sat in the garden and cried then continued the work with my renewed sense of purpose.  While walking through my gardens a friend commented, “I know how difficult this year has been for you.  Your garden is your victory.”

From that day I knew that I would be all right, or as all right as possible under the circumstances.  No longer a recluse as I was during those awful months, I became involved in a few community activities again and travelled occasionally to visit family members.  Most importantly, I was taking care of myself.

Now, it’s not all sadness, it’s not all loneliness, it’s not all wonderful or humorous.  It is a combination of all of those, as are most peoples’ lives. 

I don’t have all the answers, but I offer these words of advice:

• Tell a family member or close friend what you need, whether it’s a good meal, a good listener or help with daily chores.
• Try to acknowledge the legitimacy of your feelings; be patient with yourself.
• While reminiscing with family members or friends, don’t let feelings of guilt intrude if you hear the sound of laughter from them or yourself

Visit Kathleen Airdrie at Suite101, where she’s a Contributing Writer.

5 Tips for Healthy Grieving

There is no “normal” response to death. Everybody’s personality is different, which translates to a wide variation of reactions and coping mechanisms. Accepting yourself and others’ response to death is an important part of the grieving process. If you join a grief support group for widowers or widowers, you’ll learn how others cope with loss. This will help with your own grieving process.

1. Grief Support Groups. Sometimes talking to people who have experienced similar losses can help you cope with your grief. Just knowing you’re not in it alone can be reassuring; spending time with people who care helps you deal with your painful feelings. The bereavement counselor who leads the support group should be experienced and supportive; if not, try a different bereavement support group.

2. Cybergrieving. Many people are now using sites like MySpace and their own personal blogs to deal with their feelings about the death of a loved one. To help you deal with grief, visit the blog or website of your loved one and you can write to them on it. You can write poetry, letters, songs, or even a one-liner, simply stating how you feel and what you think. To help you deal with grief, you can say good-bye.

3. Letting Go of the Past. Feeling your grief, anger, guilt, and all your emotions is important. Let yourself grieve. You may feel like your heart will break or you’ll fall into a black pit and never get out - but you have to feel your feelings before you can heal. Letting go of the past is healthy and appropriate, and it’ll help your grieving process.

4. Letting Time Heal. It’s a cliché because it’s true: time does heal when you’re dealing with grief. Whether it completely heals ALL wounds is a different story, but it does dull the pain a little. Your feelings of loss and sadness may never go away, but with time the grieving process will lighten.

If you found How One Widow Coped With Death helpful, try:

• How to Help a Friend Through the Grieving Process
• How to Let Go of Someone You Love: Thriving After Heartbreak
• When Your Dog Dies: 11 Ways to Grieve the End of Your Pet’s Life

• October 27, 2008 — How to Help a Friend Through the Grieving Process

Here’s one writer’s perspective of her curves, diets, and eating disorders - plus five tips for loving your body just the way it is!

First, a quip from Queen Latifah:

“For me, it might sound cliche, but beauty for me really does start on the inside,” says this hip hop queen. “It’s like a state of mind, a state of love if you will. Then, whatever you can do on the outside is all like a bonus.”

Click on for more info about Queen Latifah, and read on to see how freelance writer Lisa Nichols learned to accept her curves…plus 5 ways to build a healthy body image!

A Small Question of Size 

by Lisa Nichols

A friend and I were recently talking about my attempts to lose weight. Between walking and eating organic foods, I managed to strip myself of eight pounds. Only to go on vacation and gain back just under four pounds in two weeks. My original goal was to lose 15 pounds. But like I told my friend, that less-than-lofty goal would just put me squarely at my regular, 15 pounds overweight status. Which is just fine.

Like most women, I’ve spent a lifetime worrying about my weight. Even when I wasn’t worrying about it, that number was still on my mind. Oversized and in lights, like a movie theater’s marquee. Crash diets to slough off the extra baggage included the grapefruit diet (yup, it was all grapefruit, all the time), diet pills (from speed to OTC drugs, I’ve tried them all), gulping diuretics by the handful and my favorite diet, fasting. Drinking organic juices for a day and then not eating at all for several days.

I found that all of the diets worked well. If you don’t count the bitchiness, the gnawing hunger and the migraine headaches. They worked. Until I stopped taking the pills. Started eating solid foods again. Then I gained weight almost as quickly as it fell off.

I was well schooled in my eating disorder from a young age. The older gymnasts made dieting more competitive than doing back flips on the balance beam or executing a well-orchestrated floor routine. It was easy. And I so wanted to be like them. Skinny. Wearing high-cut leotards that emphasized an angular frame. Hair tied back tight. Smoking in the locker room and smirking at the younger girls.

I wasted far too much of my teen years thinking about myself and how I looked, instead of just enjoying my life. It makes me sad to think about it now. My twenties were spent fumbling around, trying to find myself. In the early part of the decade, I wore too much eye makeup and stuck contact lenses in my eyes, accepting the resulting burn as the price paid for beauty. By age 27, I learned to like myself without makeup and to love my glasses. But I still fought to wear a size six. Even if it meant laying on the bed to zip up my zipper. That size meant a lot to me. And it was hard to leave it behind.

But then something happened the year I turned 30. I finally became comfortable in my skin. Nowhere near as skinny as I was when I was 18. Rounder and softer than I was in my 20’s. With lines that appear like a flash every time I laugh.

I always thought I had great self confidence. The bold one in my group of friends. The one who never turns down a dare and isn’t afraid to try anything once. But when I turned 30, I realized how it really feels to be confident. To be comfortable in my own skin. And that kind of confidence is sexy. It draws other people to you like a magnet.

I’m not going to be the prettiest, the youngest or the smartest (not by a long shot, ha ha) person in the room. If I went to the gym every day and sweat it out with the ogling steroid-ridden weight lifters, I still wouldn’t be “cut.” I have no angles or hard edges anywhere on my body. I have a J. Lo that’s in fierce competition with the original. Even my curves have curves.

What I am is myself. And I like it here.

Lisa Nichols is a Portland, Oregon-based freelance writer and the author of the rose city journal blog.

5 Ways to Build a Healthy Body Image

1. Focus on your strengths and positive qualities. To gain confidence in your appearance, notice what you love about your body! Building a healthy body images means dwelling on your strengths.

2. Choose your friends wisely. If your friends or family comment on your flaws, consider limiting the amount of time you spend with them. Boosting a bad body image includes looking out for your best interests.

3. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life! What are your dreams, passions, and goals? Concentrate your, and worry less about your body image. This, ironically, will help build a healthy body image.

4. Get healthy. Move your body around, learn how hunger works, try new physical activities. Enjoy the confidence movement and fresh air brings! Building a healthy body image is about being strong and active.

5. Learn to be comfortable - and fearless! - when you’re naked. Building a healthy body image means enjoying your nudity.

• October 20, 2008 — How to Improve a Negative Body Image: Read “this is who I am” by Rosanne Olson
• August 28, 2008 — 10 Steps to Self-Acceptance: How to Be Yourself & Increase Your Confidence
• June 20, 2008 — 20 Strong Women in History
• June 27, 2008 — 10 Practical Ways to Honor Your Body, Mind and Spirit
• June 26, 2008 — Easy Ways to Like Your Body Better

These romantic Christmas gifts for him or her will fan the flames of passion and show how much you care (which will reduce holiday stress!). And, this quotation from actress Judy Garland shows you how important it is to show your love: 

“In the silence of night I have often wished for just a few words of love from one man,” said Garland, “Rather than the applause of thousands of people.” 

A cute way to say “I love you” is via the image on the right. It’s a “his and hers” pillowcase from BoldLoft, who carries an assortment of romantic Christmas gifts for him and her, as well as lovely anniversary presents. Click the image for more info - it’s a cute way to say “I love you” at Christmas!

And, here are more romantic Christmas gift ideas for him or her…

Romantic Holiday Gifts for Him or Her: 10 Ways to Say “I Love You” at Christmas

Victoria’s Secret or La Senza lingerie or fun, sexy boxer shorts are romantic Christmas gifts for him and her. Make it a green Christmas gift by buying organic lingerie.

Seasonal tickets to the opera, ballet, symphony, ballgames or community theatre. Buying tickets for the future is a great way to say “I love you” at Christmas because it shows that you want to spend time with your partner.

A gift certificate for dance lessons (with the promise that you’ll go, too) is both a healthy and a romantic holiday gift for him or her.

A weekend retreat at a nearby bed and breakfast or country inn. Make it an eco-friendly Christmas gift by planning an eco-adventure or eco-tour.

A guitarist, harpist or pianist to play during a romantic catered dinner. This is a relaxing, luxurious way to reduce holiday stress and say “I love you” at Christmas.

A thoughtful gift, which your lover has long wanted but won’t splurge on: a new laptop, iPhone, digital camera, MP3 player, etc. Make it a green Christmas gift, and buy a biodiesel or hybrid vehicle (yikes, we’re really getting extravagant now!).  Ask her friends and family members what she really wants this season - your lover will be touched by how far you’re willing to go to buy her a romantic holiday gift!

Anything engraved with meaningful words from your heart: wine glasses, a watch, a locket. Immortalizing your favorite joke or moment is a romantic Christmas gift idea for him or her.

A spa day of pampering.  I really enjoyed the manicure, pedicure, and facial that my hubby gave me last year for Christmas - but I liked his homemade coupons even better! “Good for 1 foot and hand massage,” and “Good for one full body massage.” Boy, those were romantic Christmas gifts.

A luxurious silk, satin or chenille bathrobe with a sexy surprise, such as an erotic book, in the pocket is a romantic Christmas gift. Romantic holiday gifts for him or her can be practical as well as luxurious.

Tickets to a dinner theater, cruise, Cirque de Soleil, etc. Splurge on two tickets for a romantic night out in January or February - when she’s struggling with the post-Christmas blues! A fancy, candle-light evening at a French restaurant with a view will unite the minds and bodies of most lovers, and cheer the saddest of souls.

A spontaneous visit to her work to deliver flowers, chocolates or a bouquet of balloons. Say “I love you” at Christmas with personal attention and thoughtful gestures!

A last minute vacation together — all inclusive vacation packages make romantic Christmas gifts, even if you’re planning something months in advance.

Something hobby-related. Is she into yoga? Running? Starting new businesses? Reading? Writing? Baking? Money-making? Kids? Indulge her or him with something practical or fancy - something she needs or would just really enjoy - that takes her into her hobby a little more. This romantic holiday gift for him or her also shows you’re aware of his or her interests! ;-) 

• November 6, 2008 — 7 Secrets of Love: Advice From Dating Expert Mary Jo Fay
• November 11, 2008 — 5 Tips for a Healthy Relationship From a Love Coach
• November 17, 2008 — 10 Christmas Money Saving Tips
• November 12, 2008 — Overcoming Holiday Depression: 8 Ways to Stay Happy at Christmas and Thanksgiving
• November 9, 2008 — How to Host a Holiday Dinner Party: 6 Tips for Thanksgiving or Christmas Feasts

Marsha Hudnall is a dietician and the Director of Green Mountain at Fox Run, Vermont - a healthy weight loss retreat for women. Here, she explains why diets don’t work for weight loss - and she offers tips for healthy living and getting slim (and staying that way!).

Before you read her weight loss tips, check out this quip from Gwyneth Paltrow:

“Make your life good. Invest in what’s real. Cook a meal for someone you love. Pause before reacting. Read something beautiful. Treat yourself to something. Go to a city you’ve never been to. Learn something new. Don’t be lazy. Work out and stick with it. Make it great!”

I especially like the part about treating yourself to something - and a fantabulous treat would be Fox Run! Here’s some insight into how they think: “The book I’m currently recommending is Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth about Your Weight by Linda Bacon,” says Marsha. “It was just published this fall, and offers a wonderful review of research on dieting and weight.” Click on the book cover for more info about Health at Every Size - which says that fat isn’t the problem…dieting is. And, read on for Marsha’s healthy weight loss tips.

Healthy Eating Tips From a Top Weight Loss Retreat 

Marsha, why don’t diets work?

For the vast majority of people, weight loss diets don’t work in the long run.  And the long run is how we measure effectiveness.  For the past half century, people have been ‘successful’ losing weight on many different diets, but when it comes to keeping lost weight off, it’s a different story.

A major reason weight loss diets don’t work is because a focus on weight loss backfires for most people.  Weight loss diets teach people how to diet to lose weight, not how to eat for long-term health and healthy weights.

Weight loss diets often have rules that promote misguided beliefs about food, eating and healthy weights - what people can and can’t eat, what’s “fattening,” the number of calories or points they should stay under each day, etc. - that end up making people feel like a failure as they inevitably are unable to stay true to these beliefs. Even when people are no longer following the diets per se, they often continue to try to follow the rules and continue to fail. The self-defeating feelings and behaviors that result aren’t conducive to long-term success at achieving and maintaining healthy weights.  Instead, repeated failure creates feelings of inadequacy and poor self esteem.

Weight loss diets turn people into restrained eaters who manage their eating well when things are going well. But when difficulties arise, their eating falls apart. That’s because they learn to rely on self-control for eating and no longer use their internal cues to guide their hunger.  They begin to ignore and/or distrust their internal cues, which sets up lifelong struggles with eating.  This frequently leads to developing the habit of emotionally overeating.  Studies show restrained eaters tend to overeat in response to difficult situations or emotions such as depression, anxiety and anger.

Because weight loss diets are about weight, the focus on the scale dominates; other measures of success, like how you feel, whether you are getting stronger, sleeping better, etc., fall by the wayside. These other measures of success, however, are much more reliable indicators of healthy lifestyles that lead to healthy weights.  Actual body weight fluctuates due to a host of reasons; it’s not always about how much or what someone has eaten.

We encourage mindful eating, which means eating mainly to address physical hunger, being thoughtful about our food choices (considering sensual and nourishing aspects of food) and paying attention while eating to fully appreciate food and identify when we are comfortably full.

Marsha’s Take on the Mediterranean Diet

Though Marsha believes most weight loss diets don’t work, she also says, “The Mediterranean Diet is one of the most effective of the diets out there today. Why? It’s not a weight loss diet.” 

This diet prescribes a healthy and tasty way of eating that people can adopt without feelings of restriction or deprivation, which means they are much more likely to be able to continue it over the long term. 

The Mediterranean Diet also provides the good nutrition that’s important to support a healthy lifestyle. The solution to healthy weights is eating well (Mediterranean diet-style, if desired) as part of a healthy lifestyle that includes regular physical activity and stress management, in particular to help control emotional overeating. 

This type of diet educates Americans on how to eat well. We have in a sense lost our way with healthful eating in the face of busy lifestyles that don’t make a priority of feeding ourselves well.  This has been complicated by weight loss diet rules that confuse people about what healthy eating really is.

About Green Mountain at Fox Run. A healthy weight loss retreat for women only, this is a proven program based on adopting a healthy lifestyle — learning how to eat instead of starving, moving bodies for pleasure and physical well-being, and managing stress and negative self-image for health and healthy weights.  In operation for 37 years, Green Mountain pioneered the non-diet approach to achieving and maintaining healthy weights. Learn more at www.fitwoman.com or www.aweightlifted.blogs.com.

• November 13, 2008 — How the Miami Mediterranean Diet Goes Beyond Weight Loss
• November 6, 2008 — Not Just Another Way to Lose Weight: How the Atkins’ Diet Works
• November 11, 2008 — How Real People Lose Weight and Keep it Off
• November 1, 2008 — Holiday Weight Loss Tips
• October 11, 2008 — The 10 Best Ways to Lose Weight

In researching the top diets in America, I’ve learned that the Mediterranean Diet is easily the diet most favored by nutritionists, dieticians, and researchers. But, I’ve also discovered that there’s actually a Miami Mediterranean Diet - which is slightly different than the Mediterranean Diet.

So, I did a Q & A with cardiologist Dr Michael Ozner, author of The Miami Mediterranean Diet, to discover the differences between the two diets. Before we go there, check out what he says about fitness and Americans:

“Americans have a skewed vision of fitness,” says Dr Ozner. “They think they have to join expensive gyms, sign up for classes, or take precious hours out of their already jam-packed schedules to lose weight. Once again, misinformation has gotten in the way of motivation and good sense.”

Simply changing the way you think about fitness and weight loss can increase your motivation and healthy habits. Here, Dr Ozner describes three effective ways to lose weight. Plus he answers all my questions about the Miami Mediterranean Diet - including whether he and his family takes his own advice! For more info about his diet, click on the book cover of The Miami Mediterranean Diet.  And, read on for our Q & A…

Weight Loss Tips from Dr Michael Ozner

Dr Ozner, what are 3 practical, effective ways to lose weight?

1. Enjoy your food. I like to remind my heart patients and readers that one of the best ways to lose weight is to really love to eat. Surprised? Look at the Mediterranean cultures, such as Italy and Greece, where the entire family and social culture centers around meals. They savor their meals, enjoy a glass or two of red wine, have long conversations around the table with family and friends. That’s how to lose weight. Make eating well a celebration and a part of your life. When eating and life in general become stressful, your body produces stress hormones that impede digestion and slow down your metabolism.

2. Use strong flavors. Another practical way to lose weight is to eat foods that are strong-flavored. Make sure your healthy mixed green and raw vegetable salad has some “prizes” in it–a cube of snappy feta cheese, a couple of pungent Greek olives, a sardine. Spread roasted garlic and minced sun-dried tomatoes on crusty whole grain bread for a punch of flavor. Strong-flavored foods create variety and increase satisfaction.

3. Eat dinner early. Have your last meal by 6 pm if you can swing it. The earlier you eat, the longer your body has to digest it and start burning excess fat. If you eat late at night, your body will be digesting during your sleeping hours, which is not an efficient way to use up calories.

How the Miami Mediterranean Diet Goes Beyond Weight Loss

Dr Ozner, what’s this diet all about - and how will it help us lose weight, stay slim, and get healthy?

The Miami Mediterranean Diet is a Mediterranean-style diet that is adapted to North American tastes, lifestyle, and foods. It produces an average of 4 to 6 pounds of sustainable weight loss per month, and features delicious, satisfying meals that help people stay on the diet for life–because they don’t feel deprived in any way. It helps people learn the right way to eat for maximum health–whole grains, lean protein and fish, fresh vegetables and fruits, nuts, beans and legumes, red wine, and lots of spices and flavorings. It is more than a diet. It is a lifestyle based on stress reduction, quality sleep and rest, laughter with family and friends, and regular physical activity that’s easy to fit in.

The Mediterranean Diet is the only diet that has undergone decades-long clinical studies and has been consistently rated as the world’s healthiest diet. It has been shown to increase longevity and prevent heart disease, obesity, diabetes, many cancers, and Alzheimer’s, among other health conditions.

What’s the difference between the Miami diet and the more traditional Mediterranean Diet?

The Miami Mediterranean Diet has been adapted to meet North American cooking and shopping habits, and new developments in food science. For example, newly developed non-hydrogenated buttery spreads are a great, healthier replacement for butter. Pomegranate juice, which has only recently become widely available, has been shown to lower blood pressure and help reverse the build-up of fatty deposits (atherosclerosis) in our arteries, so we use it as an ingredient in glazes and desserts. We have also adapted some of the ingredients to be more consumer friendly, featuring seafood, for example, that’s readily available on our shores. Overall, the Miami Mediterranean diet is designed for the North American palate and lifestyle–easy, filling, family-friendly dishes such as pasta and pizza that everyone loves.

Do you and your family follow this diet?

Not only do my wife and I follow this diet, but I’ve been following it myself for more than thirty years. I was one of the first cardiologists in the field called Preventive Cardiology, where we helped heart patients avoid costly and dangerous heart surgery through making dietary and lifestyle changes, using stress management, and taking advantage of the judicious use of medications, when necessary. We found that our heart patients could halt the progression and actually reverse their heart disease by following a Mediterranean-style diet. The fact that they lost 50-plus pounds a year was, frankly, a happy side benefit. My wife and I both eat this way, and are quite fit and extremely healthy.

What would surprise readers to learn about the Miami Mediterranean Diet, or dieting in general?   

What might surprise most people who “diet” is that dieting causes weight gain. People who start the Miami Mediterranean diet are always shocked that they are allowed to eat fat (olive oil, for example) and that they are allowed to eat so much. That’s because scientists now know that certain foods help with fat metabolism, and other foods–such as diet sodas–will impede your blood sugar levels and actually cause your body to produce more fat. Losing weight is not about starving yourself. It’s about feeding yourself well! The Miami Mediterranean diet is based on the best scientific studies available, and also a very long track record that no other diet out there can lay claim to.

More about this cardiologist: Dr. Michael Ozner is medical director for the Center for Prevention and Wellness at Baptist Health South Florida, and medical director for the Cardiovascular Prevention Institute of South Florida. Author of The Miami Mediterranean Diet (BenBella Books, 2008) and the forthcoming The Great American Heart Hoax (BenBella Books, Dec. 2008), he is recipient of the 2008 American Heart Association Humanitarian Award, and has been recognized by the Consumer Council of America as one of the top physicians in America.

• November 11, 2008 — How Real People Lose Weight and Keep it Off
• June 26, 2008 — 6 Foods to Improve Your Mood
• November 13, 2008 — Healthy Eating Tips From a Top Weight Loss Retreat: Green Mountain at Fox Run
• November 6, 2008 — Not Just Another Way to Lose Weight: How the Atkins’ Diet Works
• October 23, 2008 — The Top 10 Health Benefits of Exercise

You may be dealing with caregiver stress if you find it hard to ask for help, you do everything yourself, want to be in control of everything, and you can’t delegate because no one can do it as well as you (those are also signs of ”Self-Sufficiency Syndrome”). Here’s help for decreasing caregiver stress from an expert!

Peggy Collins, is a speaker, trainer and author of Help is Not a Four-Letter Word: Why Doing It All Is Doing You In. To learn more about Peggy, click on her book cover or visit her website (the link is at the end of the article). To learn how to decrease caregiver stress and ”Self-Sufficiency Syndrome”, read on!

First, What is “Self-Sufficiency Syndrome” - and How Does it Relate to Caregiver Stress?

“Many caregivers, like most others in our country, were raised to believe that asking for help is a weakness,” says Collins. “And if that individual was raised in a home where they did not learn to trust, then they have hidden behind this honored value as a way to avoid depending on anyone else. I call this extreme lifestyle The Self-Sufficiency Syndrome.”

Some symptoms of Self-Sufficiency Syndrome and caregiver stress include extreme fatigue, irritableness, inability to sleep, and even panic attacks, anxiety disorders - or even depression.

8 Ways to Decrease Caregiver Stress

To decrease caregiver stress, Collins says that the first thing is to become aware that you’re operating in the “Self-Sufficiency Syndrome” mode. You made need a “wake-up” call! But, if you’ve already heard that call, here are Collins’ suggestions for asking for help.

1. Seek the help of a therapist to guide you through the process of balancing the care of your loved one while taking care of yourself. You can’t take good care of others if you can’t take care of yourself!

2. Join a support group of like-minded folk to decrease caregiver stress. Attend meetings while asking someone else to take care of some of your responsibilities.

3. Build a support team of friends, neighbors, relatives who can relieve you, so you can get out, to walk in the woods, to attend church, to go shopping or to a movie.

4. Deal with the tremendous sense of guilt many caregivers experience when they turn “their responsibility” over to someone else, even for a short time. They feel like they are failing at their responsibility, and failing the person they’re taking care of. Both the therapist and the support group can help with Self-Sufficiency Syndrome.

5. Get exercise to stay healthy and build stamina. Exercise will also help with the emotional aspects of the caregiving, and decrease caregiver stress.

6. Journal your feelings. Many times, the patient is a spouse and the caregiver is in the first stages of grief over an impending death. Journaling has been cited as a very effective and healthy way to get those feelings out.

7. Do meditation or relaxation exercises, which can be extremely helpful. You can meditate in another room for 15 or 20 minutes - even once a day will decrease caregiver stress.

8. Realize that when you ask for help, you’re giving someone else a gift-the dignity of helping you! Those around you don’t want to watch you struggle alone. Give them a gift!

Peggy Collins is a speaker, trainer and author of Help is Not a Four-Letter Word: Why Doing It All Is Doing You In published by McGraw Hill. Visit her website at HelpIsNotaFourLetterWord.com.

If you found 8 Ways to Decrease Caregiver Stress helpful, try:

• More Tips for Overcoming Caregiver Stress
• 10 Habits of Happy Women
• How to Help a Friend Through the Grieving Process

• October 27, 2008 — How to Help a Friend Through the Grieving Process
• October 17, 2008 — Volunteer Work at Christmas: Giving Your Time Over the Holidays
• June 29, 2008 — 10 Habits of Happy Women
• June 26, 2008 — 6 Foods to Improve Your Mood