If you feel guilty about being friends with him, then you need to let him go — for your own good and his. Whether or not you call it “emotional cheating”, the fact is that he needs to be working on his marriage. He has to start talking to his wife, and investing his time and energy on building a better relationship with her.

In my opinion, you’re not helping him become a better man. Before he can build friendships with women, he needs to make sure his marriage is solid.

I’m sorry – I know that you care for him and like spending time with him. I believe this is one of those times that you have to be cruel to be kind.

What do you think? What is the right thing to do? Think with your head, not your heart…

Sincerely,
Laurie

My advice is to find ways to be kinder and more gentle to yourself. I tend to be the same way – I beat myself up for mistakes and have a hard time forgiving myself for even the littlest things!

I’ve learned that if we’re hard on ourselves, we’re hard on the people we love. It’s not possible to be harsh and unforgiving with ourselves, and kind and loving with the people we’re closest to.

I’m forgiving of everyone except myself, my husband, and my closest family members. For some reason, I hold the people closest to me to extremely high standards. This is very painful and destructive for both me and them, and for our relationship.

So, my advice is to un-learn your negative ways of thinking. I’m a big fan of counseling – sometimes you only need a couple of sessions to start to change how you think and treat yourself. Books are also good — I recommend books about being more compassionate to yourself. I get books from the library – I search for books on self-compassion, self-forgiveness, etc.

Learning how to be kind to yourself will improve your emotional health, your marriage, and even your friendships with others. It’s so important — I hope you

Here’s an article I wrote about self-forgiveness and overcoming self-hatred:

http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/overcoming-self-hatred-how-to-forgive-your-self-forgiveness/

I hope this helps – and encourage you to start exploring ways to stop punishing yourself so harshly! Maybe you need to figure out why you do it, where the roots are. Or, maybe you just need to work on thought-stopping (a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy). I don’t know – this is something you need to explore in person, with a counselor.

I wish you all the best, and would give you a big hug if you were here! Come back anytime, share your thoughts.

xoxo
Laurie

Thank you so much for your reply.

I did exactly as I described in the original post. I have always been one to punish myself harshly. Self-guilt and shame have always been major issues of mine. I am sure that the man we are speaking of doesn’t even think of all the times we talked to each other. He referred to me numerous times as “his friend”. I referred to him several times as “my friend”. The fact that we were friends was reinstated numerous times. Again, I sometimes think he would have reached for more if I would have let him.

I just love my husband so very much. I would never hurt him for the world. I always punish myself harshly. It’s hard for me to get over mistakes I have made or wrong I have done. In my heart of hearts, I do not think I engaged in an emotional affair. I think my crime was not severing ties earlier and not “calling him out” when he would try to flirt with me just to keep a level of friendship. I’m a friendly person–I love talking to people and getting to know them.

I just doubt myself so much. I constantly doubt myself. I think my problems lie in that. I reached out to you, Laurie, for your advice. Can I have your thoughts?

One of the most difficult parts of being married is hurting your spouse, forgiving yourself, and moving on.

You made a mistake. You regret your connection with this man, and you severed it. You have a renewed focus and dedication to your husband and marriage, and you want to make your husband happy.

I’m a bit confused about the degree of self-loathing, shame, and guilt you’re carrying around. From what you say, you were chatting with your friend on Facebook every day, but you talked about stuff that you’d talk about with your friends. Either you did more with this man than you describe here, or there is something else fueling your self-perception. It seems like your self-punishment does not fit the crime of emotional cheating.

Think about how much self-loathing and shame you feel…is it appropriate to the mistake you made? You can answer me here — or just think about it.

The way I see it, you made a mistake. This won’t be the last mistake you make in your marriage, I’m afraid. I’ve hurt my husband more times than I can count, which makes me feel absolutely terrible. But, I tried to learn from each mistake I made. And I tried to make it up to him by not repeating my mistakes.

The first few years of our marriage were the hardest, because the learning and growth curve is so steep! Being married is an art, and it takes time to learn it. You’ll make more mistakes — and you need to learn how to forgive yourself and move on.

What do you think?

Blessings,
Laurie

I am hurting. I’ve been married for a little while now, I’m young, and I just started a new job last year. Whenever I started this job, several of the men started to flirt with me. I’ve never really been a very flirtatious person, so I would just be friendly (not flirtatious) back.

One of these men began messaging me on Facebook. Again, we would just have small talk back and forth. It got to the point where we would talk daily–just small talk (movies, music, books, work, life etc.). I never looked at him as more than a friend. I told him things that I would tell any of my friends. When we would talk, I always referenced my husband often–daily.

I think this man tried to flirt with me often and I never really picked it up. The times that I did notice, I would always quickly change the subject or not play along. I noticed that he seemed to be very unhappy in his marriage/life. The few times he ever mentioned anything like that to me, I would always tell him that I would be praying that things would turn around.

We hadn’t talked in a month or so and I was just sick of Facebook in general. I later went on to delete my Facebook–this has been several months ago. I also wanted rid of it because this experience made me realize that not everyone’s intentions are pure. I just wanted rid of the avenue. We still work together and all seems to be well.

To make a long story short, I feel so guilty. I feel terrible that this person flirted with me and that I allowed it out of partial ignorance and that I merely looked at him as a “friend”. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I do not believe in making mountains out of molehills. I think if I would have “picked up” on his cues, he would have acted on them. I basically think he was “filling me out”. It hurts me and it makes me feel guilty. I absolutely adore my husband–he is the love of my life. I do not want anyone else nor have I ever wanted anyone else. I, by nature, am a friendly person. I enjoy talking to people and getting to know them.

Laurie, I need your advice. I need your help. I would never intentionally hurt my husband. Every marriage has its struggles and we have had our share of them. However, we truly adore one another and are dedicated to making it work. I just carry around so much self-loathing, guilt, and shame. I find myself breaking down to cry often because I’m so angry with myself.

Yes, a husband who looks a pictures of girls on the internet is cheating on his wife.

I know how you feel – I was so insecure and jealous about my husband’s ex-girlfriend for the first 3 years he and I were together! And he kept reassuring me that he didn’t want to be with her, that he was completely over her.

It was my own insecurities that kept me trapped in the web of suspicion, distrust, and pain. I was jealous not because of him, but because of me.

Is this you?

Your boyfriend hasn’t emotionally cheated on you, and is physically faithful to you. What is preventing you from trusting him?