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1. Theresa says:

   July 28, 2009 at 1:30 pm

   My husband started to have emotional affairs with his co-worker when he started new job (10 days after our wedding). I have confronted him many times he needed to stop it. But he only insists there’s nothing going on. He lies about times that he wasn’t home, lies…so much that I don’t trust him at all now. It has been going on for 2 years and still going on yet he denies it absolutely. He suggested I should be seeing a psychiatrist to be evaluated for suspiciousness, befofe becoming paranoid. He has golden reputation around his friends, pretends he is a die hard Christian, who recites Bible instantly… but I found she came over slept in our bed one night when I was working night shift, since then I quit working…his girlfirend is 20 years younger than him, they both are physicians, both are married. They conduct themselves very professionally so that no one suspects anything at work. I remember when I was engaged to him, the head of the hospital told me I was the luckiest woman alive, to have him. And also his church people said samething. Some friends ask his advise regarding their infidelity… here I am, (all his friends, other doctors who work with him) they all think I am a mad woman who is accusing their golden egg. I can’t stop their affair. It’s been very, very hard on me past two years of our marriage. I feel he’s married to her rather than to me. I have lost hope, lost self esteem, developed anxiety disorders. Yet he always tells me he loves me day and night.
   What do you think? Should I stay or should I go?
2. Laurie PK says:

   July 24, 2009 at 12:08 pm

   Lee, Tina, Marlena — all women who discovered their husbands having an emotional affair — I need your help!

   On “Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair”, Steve wrote in about how his wife discovered that he was emailing a woman from work. He’s devastated and scared he’s going to lose her, and asked for suggestions on keeping his marriage and family together.

   If you have any advice for how he can rebuild his marriage and regain his wife’s trust, I know he’d appreciate your insights! Here’s the link:

   http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/tips-for-surviving-an-emotional-affair/

   Thanks for your help,

   Laurie
3. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

   July 21, 2009 at 10:15 am

   You’re very welcome, Lee! I’m really glad you that you share your progress, and support other women here….it means alot to me that you’re willing to reach out to others. And I know it helps them, too!

   For every one reader who comments, there are 100 who don’t. Even if they don’t pipe up, they’re thinking, learning, and growing.

   Laurie
4. Lee says:

   July 21, 2009 at 8:41 am

   To Marlena,
   You know it amazes me that a man can tell himself that if there is no physical contact in a relationaship, they are not doing anything wrong.

   I am so glad to see that you are confronting your husband, as I did mine. I knew that when I did confront him I had to be prepared for his response. I knew that he would either deny it or make excuses or admit his mistakes. And I was right, he made excuses and then s-l-o-w-l-y started to admit that anything he had to hide from me or share with me was wrong. This process took 3 months.

   We are both in therapy, separately. Soon I hope that we are both in the same session. I want to work things out because I love him, even though things have changed for me. Married life will never be what I thought it was, but it will be okay, just different. I hope I can live with that.

   But what I have learned is this. There is something that your husband is getting out his flirtation and you are not to blame. He needs to find out why he does this, find out how he can get the same gratification from you, and concentrate his energy and attention on you, his beloved wife.

   Good luck to you and to all of us going through these crises.

   And again, thank you thank you thank you Laurie for providing this website to us all.

   Thinking of you, Lee
5. wendell says:

   July 21, 2009 at 5:57 am

   Marlena No my husband is English she is a Muslim Turkish woman.Can you believe that?
   Anyway I have not spoken or acknowledge her for a few weeks now neither has my husband.That was his doing not mine.She has now got the message.Her children have also stopped calling our names,his in particular.How she managed to pull that off with a 3 and eighteen month old, I not sure.
   We had a very long talk yesterday.I put around 150 questions together on my computer for him to answer.
   He sat down with me and was very good and honest in some respects but not allwith his answers.However ,I confident I will get the answers I was looking for eventually from him.
   On finding a fault with me he couldn’t find one.He said I was a good wife and mother.I explained that he was involved in an emotional affair with her.This he didn’t realize and said he went off on one before, because he said I haven’t touched her.By not going near her or in to her house.in his mind not to touch was OK.He didn’t know the definition of an emotional affair until I explained it to him. He then had to agree. This was what he was getting involved in to.
   I told him she was obsessed with him and that he was leading her on.He totally agreed that there was no ending to this affair that would satisfy her needs.
   Before when I asked the question, if he had ever complimented her in any way he always said NO.Yesterday he admitted that he said he liked her hairstyle.(the one he hadn’t noticed the previous day until I said).This was done without words and through gestures.This was the first time I became suspicious. She went all embarrassed and giggly and said my name to him.As if to say where is she, or why are you complimenting me.He assures me that he has never gestured anything to undermine me (who knows).
   I told him that was the first incling he gave to her and it confirmed things in her mind.From here on they continued.The next week she complimented his new haircut through gestures I saw it.I confronted my husband this day for the first time as per my previous mail.
   A week or so later he had to return to the UK only for 4 days.Her husband asked where he was on her behalf.On his return he sat with me our balcony. My back to her, his face towards her.She was sitting on her balcony.He raised is hand to his face to indicate tiredness and rub his fingers through his hair,with a shaking of the head.I knew ,this was the it’s over sign.The next evening I caught her crying on her balcony and keep looking over to my husband on ours.I blew up at that and said to him she just isn’t getting it, is she?.He pretended he didn’t know she was crying and made the excuse her husband may have upset her.By the next day he had convinced me I should say Hello to her.I made contact with her and was friendly towards her.Low and behold if she and he didn’t start where they left off.This time he went to wash his scooter on the patio in full view of her balcony.She came on the balcony.He must have gestured an alright sign.She was looking at him side on,She raised her shoulder very slightly and pulled a sad face.Then she raised her palm and put it up in front of her face and let it rest on her forehead.Indicating like this is doing my head in type of gesture.She then picked her baby up smothered him in kisses. All the time she had wide staring eyes fixed on my husband.She waved at my husband in a small cupped fist style.She stood and walked in to her apartment.I went out on our balcony and asked my husband to come in.I pretended there was a phone call for him.I confronted him and said that’s the biggest gesture yet.Again he kept pretending he hadn’t seen any thing.I showed him the gestures I had just witnessed.He kept protesting all I did was wave.I reminded him that the wave came at the end of the gestures.
   He has got the message loud and clear from me he knows I will not put up with this stupidity.I said I will take my computer round to her apartment one night.I can translate from English to Turkish for her.I can relate to her what I’ve seen and explain that I have also discussed this matter with my husband. I will then tell her, if she does not back off. I will tell her husband.
6. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

   July 19, 2009 at 2:31 pm

   Marlena, I don’t think your husband’s physical and emotional cheating is about you. He’s dealing with his insecurities and fears in totally the wrong way — but many spouses look outside their marriage when they’re struggling with internal fears, anxieties, depression, etc.

   Have you asked him what he wants to see happen with your marriage? Is he willing to recommit and reconnect with you — and maybe consider couples or individual counseling?

   He needs to decide what he wants. You can’t pull your marriage together by yourself, no matter how fit, healthy, and happy you are.

   I’m sorry it feels like he doesn’t like what he sees when he looks at you…….and I encourage you to focus on your positive qualities. Keep liking and respecting yourself, my friend! Don’t let his insecurities and confusion change how you feel about yourself — because you’re not different.

   You’re the same strong, special, unique amazing woman you always were.

   Laurie
7. marlena says:

   July 18, 2009 at 11:34 pm

   Wendall-is your husband Turkish? Just curious because mine is.
8. marlena says:

   July 18, 2009 at 10:48 pm

   I have been married for tweleve years. After the birth of our daughter eight years ago, my husband suddenly wasn’t interested in sex at all. He began traveling to Japan at that time. I found emails to girls soon afterwards. I thought we had worked through it, the emails seemed like just friendly chats, but recently i discovered a much more sinister email from his ‘secret’ email account. The girl in the email said that she wanted to be his friend and not have an affair with him, that she hoped she wasn’t leading him on by kissing him. I can’t tell you how upset, angry, rejected and hurt I have been. I’ve been depressed, having panic attacks, crying all the time. It doesn’t help that he bascially says that he’s not attracted to me because I’m too fat (I’m five foot five and weigh 150, hardly obese) He barely touches me, and cites stress at work. I keep up with myself, walk every day, get my hair done, just about everything you could do including dieting, but he still seems more attracted to asian women. He tells me he feels insecure because he’s getting older and has gone bald. I constantly tell him how sexy he looks, and I mean it, but apparently to him I’m not. I look in the mirror and I like who I see. I truly do like myself, I just can’t understand why he doesn’t.
   Marlena
9. Laurie PK says:

   July 14, 2009 at 8:07 pm

   Angelina, I’m sorry he’s being such a jerk! His behavior is not okay — he’s disrespecting you and dishonoring your vows and marriage. Emotional cheating destroys marriages.

   I can’t tell you if you should leave him, wait and see if he sees her again, or give him yet another chance. But just last week I wrote an article called “7 Ways to Tell if Your Marriage is Over”, which might help. Here’s the link:
   http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/7-ways-to-tell-if-your-marriage-is-over/

   And yesterday, I wrote “Emotional Affairs on the Dr Phil Show”:
   http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/emotional-affairs-on-the-dr-phil-show/

   After you read these articles, let me know what you think…but I can tell you right now that the most important thing for a healthy marriage is that both partners are willing to work at it. If your husband can’t stop seeing his friend, then he doesn’t seem too interested in building a healthier marriage with you. I’m sorry.

   Laurie
10. Angelina says:

    July 14, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    Hello , my husband and I have been married for 13 years , and just over the pass 3 months i have found out that he is talking to what he calls a ” friend ” .. at first i was ok with them talking as i know who she is , it’s ok for us to have frinds and then one day they stoped talking if i was around , each time i came in the room my husband would close the the chat on the pc , so i let it go for a week or so and just kept watching and i had enough and looked at he’s cell phone and found out Yup there more then friends … there were lots of messages from her and to her on the cell phone , and chats on the pc oh and phone calls from ” our house phone ” so I asked him about it all and he told me that they were talking lots and so of the chats were ” sexule ” wow is all i could say at that time … I felt so used , mad , sad , i wanted to scream … he said it would stop as of right now , and it did he has not talked to her … but he has talked to her sister to get her phone number ( becouse i deleted her number and emails and everything ) said he still wanted to meet up with her this fall …. I don’t know what to do

    1. Do I leave him
    2. Do I wait and see if he meets up with her
    3. or give him one more chance ( so far he’s had 5 chances ) over the past 13 years
11. Laurie PK says:

    July 13, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    Yes, you should definitely show him information on emotional infidelity — because many people don’t understand how destructive emotional intimacy with people of the opposite sex can be.

    Have you read Jane’s comment on my article about surviving an emotional affair? She just left it today; she was emotionally involved with a man, her husband found out and was devasted, and she’s picking up the pieces. Her story might help your boyfriend understand the effects of emotional intimacy. Here’s the link (scroll down the comments to Jane’s info):

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/tips-for-surviving-an-emotional-affair/

    Regarding your boyfriend: I figure that he doesn’t want to rock the boat with his friend and fellow band members — it’s definitely easier to let things ride instead of making waves!

    So what it boils down to is this: what are you willing to live with in your relationship? Whatever his reasons, he’s not willing to give up his friend. (Though, hopefully that will change after show him the possible effects of emotional cheating!)

    If, even after learning about emotional infidelity, he’s still not willing to limit or end his contact with you, then I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do.

    Your boyfriend sounds nice, and it surprises me that he’s friends with a woman who is so cruel and manipulative. What’s up with that? It’s good that his relationship with her has changed, but he still seems to have a blind spot with her. That he would talk with her secretly shows a disrespect for his relationship with you.

    Once you figure out what you’re willing to live with (your boundaries), then talk to him about what you need, how you feel, and why. Stick to the “I feel left out/worried/afraid” sentences, as opposed to the “You’re cheating on me via this friendship” phrases.

    Good luck — and don’t give up on him yet! But, don’t lose yourself, your self-respect, or your dignity just to keep a man.

    Laurie
12. Hoping to Survive says:

    July 13, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    Hi Laurie:

    I have been in an exclusive relationship with my boyfriend for nearly four years now, and I am fearful that his friendship with another woman is going to break us up.

    She was not in contact with him the first year he and I were together, but she began contacting him when her ltr dissolved. I have OS frienships myself, so I was not worried or judgemental. He spoke highly of her and i said I`d like to meet her.

    An event came up where we finally met, and the moment he was out of earshot, she started saying things that devalued our realtionship. It became apparent to me that he had confided his doubts and fears regarding our relationship in her, and she couldn`t
    wait to dump it all in my lap.(she ratted him out, essentially)She claimed she was “trying to help me” but her demeanor was condescending,patronizing, and more than a little smug……

    She even used the old “well, you can never really understand him”
    line, which I didn`t buy,and, “i just think there`s someone better for you” really sent up my red flags.

    When that didn`t convince me, she began casting aspersions on his honesty…”Oh, if he said “I love you”, that was just bull*****. I`m not trying to paint him as insincere, but he`s the kind of guy that says that to a different woman every coupla weeks…blah blah…….

    I debated extensively on whether or not to tell him about her duplicity for a few months, and finally decided that I would want to know had one of my friends had behaved that way towards him. So I told him, and was met with invalidation and criticism, “Oh you just heard her wrong” “You should know better than to put stock in anything you hear in a party situation” “She was just being protective of me….”
    He has continued his friendship with her and for awhile it showed
    all the earmarks of an EA, secretive about phone calls, last minute cancellations on dates with flimsy explanations, etc.
    I called him to the carpet about that,and asked him if he had ever heard the term “emotional cheating” and he said no.I tried to explain the nuances to him, and he reassured me that the nature of their relationship has changed, but i remain skeptical,even though she got married a year ago. He still hangs out with her at least once a week, because they are in a band together.

    So, I`m wondering if it would be a good idea to show him some of the articles I`ve come across about Emotional Cheating especially those that discuss the kind of damage that occurs in the aftermath.
    I feel like he doesn`t understand how much pain this has caused me.
    He`s very good to me in so many ways, generous, helpful, affectionate, etc., and i`ve never found someone as compatible with my nature and interests. I`m hoping to stay together, so any input or insight would be most appreciated.
13. tina says:

    July 1, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Thanks Lee- It helps me to know that I am not alone or that I am not imagining this hurt. I am going to see a counselor next week, he is going too-cause I told him if we were to get past this, he must go, too. Thanks for your tip, I will try it, I will almost try anything at this point-I am at a low place!

    keep in touch-hope it all works out for you-I’ll pray for us and all those women who have been hurt!
14. Lee says:

    July 1, 2009 at 9:26 am

    Hi Tina,
    Boy do I relate to you. After I found out that my husband had this “emotional relationship” for 4 years!!!! I was so angry and hurt. The things he said to her haunted me. She is 30 years younger than me and I still obsess from time to time about feeling old and inadequate. And it took him 2 months to see why I was upset and that he was wrong. It took a professional counselor to help him with this. He would say “It was no big deal, it was only e-mail, I knew I would never see her again (she lived across the globe) but he would admit that he hid the correspondence from me because he know I would be upset and angry.

    So then the rationale is if you knew I would be upset and angry and you still did it, you knew it was wrong! He failed to see or admit that. Now he can tell me that when he was “outted” he was embarassed and made up ridicuous excuses to save face.

    But it all hurts, it hurts so bad. i would almost rather he had a one night stand than this prologed thing with this girl. All I can say is that I was good to myself, worked out, took care of my self physically and treated myself special. I had to.

    I was also given another great tip by my counselor because I found it hard to function at work. I hope this helps you:
    She said that when I was so hurt and going through a low point, that I should say to myself, “Save this for later. For this weeknend. For tonight. Or whenever you can let go and cry.” Because you have to grieve. When I found out that I had the ability to table the sad and depressed episodes, I found that I could do it for longer periods of time and almost indefinately. I have more functional time that way.

    But at some point he should say to you:
    “I am sorry.”
    “I did this knowing it would hurt you if you knew, but I was selfish and did this anyway.”
    “I am cutting off all contact with her.”
    “I love you and am willing to do evrything I can to help you trust me again, because I love you and value or relationship more than anything or anyone else.”
    That will help you heal too.

    Keep in touch and let me know how you are. You are not alone.
    Lee
15. tina says:

    June 29, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    I found out a few days ago that my husband has been calling and texting a girl from work. I found the phone bill and he had over 30 calls and over 70 text messages for a 4 week period. When first approached, he said he was seeking advice for his mom, that she had the same experience with her mom, and that it wasen’t what i thought it was. Since, I cannot trust him even though he agreed to stop. He wonders why i cannot get over it, and almost gets angry that i can’t get over it. I am terribly hurt and what hurts the most is that he cannot acknowledge his actions and my hurt. He says he’s sorry, but it feels empty-I have sought counseling, but until then how do i begin to heal myself? it has really affected my self-esteem, and now i question my self-worth. i need some comforting and he is so caught up in his pride and anger that he cannot give me waht i need.
16. Steve says:

    June 28, 2009 at 11:16 am

    Hi Laurie, I just realized last night that this girl is extremely selfish, as she lashed out at me (after asking me on whether I graduated: then she angrily said’What are you doing here!?’) last September because I was at my former college and she hadn’t graduated. I believe that this girl used me when she was at a disadvantage (such as when she wasn’t getting what she wanted out of her boyfriend) when I was studying, then lashed out at me later because she felt jealous. I’ve talked to other girls in a similar situation (as I visited certain social clubs after I had graduated) but they never lashed out at me the way she did. Conclusion: I believe this girl is a head case one way or another and isn’t worth pursuing. I feel really bad that I told her one time she looked better with her hair being untied because had I not said that, I probably wouldn’t have talked to her length for so many times that I felt emotional connection with her.
17. Laurie PK says:

    June 27, 2009 at 7:39 am

    This is why emotional cheating is so dangerous! Being emotionally intimate with people you aren’t dating or married to leads to confusion, attachment that leads to heartbreak, and misunderstandings.

    Steve, I think it’s great that you connected with her emotionally…but I think you should let her go. She’s not available, and to pursue her while she’s dating someone else just isn’t cool.

    If she did decide to dump her boyfriend and date you, how do you know she wouldn’t do the same thing with another guy? And — how would you like it if some other guy tries to steal her away?

    Here’s what I’d do if I were you: I’d let her know that I’m interested in more than friendship but can’t continue getting closer while she’s dating someone else. I’d invite her to call or email if her life circumstances every change.

    This way, you’re not honing in on the relationship or getting more confused yourself. Leave the door open; she’ll walk through it if she wants to. It may not happen immediately — my husband and I were friends for 17 years before I was ready to date! — but at least you’ll have a clear conscience.

    What say you?

    Laurie
18. Steve says:

    June 26, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    Hi Laurie, thanks for the feedback. My goal in pursuing a friendship with her is to date her consistently. I am focusing on this girl because I was able to get close to her emotionally from our dialogues and I was able to connect better to her than any other girl I’ve dated or met. I later realized that even though she kept talking about her boyfriend, her actions (i.e: talking to me at length often) just didn’t add up. It just seemed like she wasn’t getting certain connection from her boyfriend and talked to me at length (I can’t see her telling her guy about me) to get that missing link.
19. Mr P says:

    June 26, 2009 at 8:58 am

    Laurie,

    Thank you for your response. I’m hoping the counselling sessions go well and I am thinking a lot about what I might say. I want to open up as much as I can to this person as I feel their position will enable to me to look within myself and see, like you have said, why I sabotage myself and those around me.

    I hope beyond hope that she is willing to trust me, in anyway. The thought of even being able to sit with her and have a coffee and speak about how the weekend was encourages me beyond belief. I would love to have my friend back and love to have my girlfriend back even more. I am most MOST willing to invest time into this process. I have learnt from previous relationships what it is like to not be physically intimate with people and I have learnt that my actions are incorrect and I have learnt how to be honest, yet not accusing in my honesty (as in I can admit fault and not place the onus of that fault on my partner) I am hoping I can evolve my self (as in inner self) to join these together and grow as a person to give my partner what she needs in order to heal and to trust again.

    I feel at the moment the answer would be I don’t know, I will ask the question and I will ask her to visit this site and read what I have written as it might give her a more impartial sight of my feelings, rather than being projected from me. Couples counselling is something that has been discussed already, however we both feel that individually there are issues which need exploration before an honest discourse can be achieved…or at least that was the perception I got. I will in light of this ask that question as well!

    I will return, hopefully not too much as I don’t want to replace the rod with the cane.

    With Hope

    P
20. Laurie PK says:

    June 26, 2009 at 8:14 am

    Hi Mr P,

    Good for you for seeing a counselor! That’s the healthiest step you could take, and it will help you build a strong, happy relationship.

    Your counselor will likely help you figure out why you were prone to emotional cheating, visiting websites that are destructive to your relationship, and sabotaging your relationship. Once you have that insight, you’ll be far less likely to fall back into old patterns.

    And, once you share what you’ve learned with your girlfriend, she may be more willing to trust you again. It takes time to learn to trust after a betrayal….and but if you’re sincere and genuinely regret what you’ve done — are are willing to do whatever you can to make it up to her — she might be able to put the past behind her and move forward.

    I’m glad you shared your story here. It’s great to hear a man’s perspective — not many men are open to sharing why they cheated, or why they visit certain websites! I admire your honesty, and I know others will learn from you.

    Your question was, Where do I go from here? You commit to more honesty and vulnerability with your counselor (and expect it to be painful, my friend). You ask your girlfriend what she needs from you — and I have to commend you on respecting her, now! It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to repair your relationship. If you haven’t asked her how she can trust you again – what you can do to help her trust you again – then ask her today. Maybe she’d benefit from a couples visit to your counselor, I don’t know. Something to keep in mind.

    I hope you return to let us know how things are progressing!

    All best,
    Laurie
21. Laurie PK says:

    June 26, 2009 at 7:55 am

    Hi Steve,

    Maybe she is emotionally cheating on her boyfriend — it depends on what you two talk abouted. The more private and personal the conversation (if she doesn’t talk about it with her boyfriend), the more likely she’s emotionally cheating. Some people can talk openly about deeply personal issues, and it may not be emotionally cheating because they’re like that with everyone.

    Only you can decide if she’s worth pursuing a relationship with! But if you do pursue a relationship with her, you have to expect that you’ll come in second to her boyfriend. That is, she might not return all your phone calls or emails because her main focus is elsewhere (which is really where it should be!). She may not be wholly motivated to spend time with simply because she’s involved with someone else.

    What’s your goal in pursuing a friendship with her? Of all the girls you meet, why are you focusing on this one?

    Laurie
22. Mr P says:

    June 26, 2009 at 6:38 am

    I am a 25 year old male and I have emotionally cheated on my partner.

    My partner and I have been seeing each other for just over six months, we have however known each other for over six years. We met at work and at one point lived together until my now ex made her life so unbearable that she moved out. We were the kind of friends that when we were together we were very good and close, however we didn’t involve ourselves in each others lives too much, not through lack of friendship/connection, but just because we were getting on with things.

    We took the step from friends to more un December 2008, it was a traumatic time as I had recently (October/November) split with my ex, a mutual friend of us both, however things calmed down after a while and we moved on. We decided to move in together and after a small amount of controversy managed to find a nice place to live and our relationship blossomed into the kind where people feel a little ‘sick’ to be near us as we’re so alike in attitude and personality it is like having two us there at all times! She means so much to me, not just as a girlfriend, but as a friend and confidant. She has moved me in ways I can’t begin to explain and my love for her will continue all the way to the end of my life, of that I am sure…however…A few months ago I sent a message to someone I met online years ago that was nothing short of p*****raphic, recently (within a week), my partner saw this correspondence, she was naturally disgusted, appalled, betrayed and all the other emotions that you would associate with a situation of this type…here comes the hard bit, for both of us;

    I have no idea why I sent this message. Our relationship was everything I was looking for in a person, emotionally, physically and lifestyle wise I am even changing my life and career which is something I haven’t felt I had the strength to do until now!

    So WHY would I do this? What possible reason would/could I have for doing this?!

    This isn’t the first time I have done this, though I hope it is the last…here comes what at the moment the negative side of my brain is calling the excuse…I was introduced to p*****raphy at a young age, 12/13 expanding into internet p**n at 13/14, this p*****raphy started to dominate my life, not just when at home, but my social interactions and thoughts towards woman revolved around this fantastical liaisons that I had witnessed on the screen, which of course in no way mirror real life. I continued into this ever increasing cycle of using p******raphy to ‘solve’ my issues, issues such as mum and dad separating, dad running off with the woman across the road and by running off I mean living across the road with her, my brother verbally and emotionally attacking my mother and my mother confiding and relying on me emotionally for support, pushing myself further into this fantasy world where there are no emotional needs or the emotional needs of men and women can be solved with physical acts. This was a trait that continued into young adulthood. Never really being able to form any lasting or strong social links with anyone of the opposite sex, always with every situation or scenario ballooning it into this fantasy world…

    …Then I met a girl, we started dating and after eight months of being together breached ‘the gap’ of being a couple to being an intimate couple, all the while when this relationship was going I was unrelenting with my obsessions for p**n, still actively surfing the internet for p******raphy sites, ‘meeting’ people in chat rooms and social networking sites, it had become my crutch…The relationship post intimacy went well for about five months. Then the physical intimacy stopped, we were both too immature to speak openly about it so we both introverted it, never spoke of it. I felt desperately self conscious about myself, physically and beyond. Why was this girl whom I loved unresponsive to me, to the point of not letting me touch her!? Again my immature nature led me in just one direction – P**n, my one safe haven the place where everything was fine and the world made sense. Despite my feelings towards my partner we moved in together. A new start and a fresh beginning…Neither is true I introverted more into my world and she into hers two years had passed and we had been intimate (in any sense) four times, of which only two ended in e******n on my part. We moved again to no more avail than before. Then she moved out, almost on a whim and back in with her family, shortly afterwards we broke up…

    …Almost immediately me and my now new flat mate became partners, she was new, fresh, different and had all the skills emotionally/physically that I wanted in someone – she was more like the p**n stars (by past) than anyone I had met…at least in my head. I understood her neurosis less than I understood mine. Now with this new found intimate bonding I would surely stop with the p**n? No, in fact it intensified even more and started to become more diverse (we’re not talking snuff films or children, but we are talking domination and humiliation). The relationship went well for a few months, then something changed. My partner started to put on weight, become introverted, more aggressive, more emotionally ‘unstable’. I tried to ‘help’, though I think I might not have. I suggested going on walks/gyms, we started playing sports all of which she would get angry at and lash out at me. Emotionally stifling me all the time. I had no output and my pride wouldn’t let me talk about it with my friends, I continued on the same path, we went through several housemates who all left for one reason or another, all of whom mentioned that my partner was extremely unstable. I stood by her and defended her to the hilt. She was misunderstood and she needed love, all the while ignoring my own issues and now my dramatically increased debt issues. I don’t think I will talk at too much length about details but again a year had passed without much intimate activity and the emotional abuse became out lashes of physical events (a whole in the wall made by my partner for example). We carried on in this fashion for three and half years until a discussion brought about that we should break…All the time in this relationship I was being an emotional cheat and being emotionally cheated on. I found letters to friends of mine detailing stories, she spent a lot of time with a friend of mine, stayed over, went out with them even to the point of almost completely ignoring me on Christmas Day as I was laid up in bed ill and chatting online to him…I found messages with I love you written to and from this guy and I was no better. I would interact with people online and before the conversation had a chance to fully mature I would turn it to physical intimacy, chains of e-mails written with the most graphic s****l references you are likely to see even compared to the like of men’s magazines. All my frustrations would float away. I was the centre of attention with these women. I was a strong, confident man who was in control!

    That is some of the history behind this way of dealing with reality I have created. For over 11 years I have turned to p*****raphy as my shoulder to cry on and all the other supports that should have been real people, friends, relatives but I was never able to talk to anyone. I was too ashamed, to full of pride to say I needed help. The fantasies started to spill into my reality every situation or activity was turned into something s****l. If I was happy or sad, angry or confused I would m******ate to make the feeling go away. At home, at work, on holiday it didn’t matter. I was obsessed, hooked on the feeling of self gratification to solve all my worldly woes!

    By the time I met my current partner I had realised I had an issue and I was controlling it. Three times I have done something to make her feel ‘icky’ 1) Went to a website for a ‘lads mag’. After discussion I agreed that this wasn’t acceptable and haven’t gone to one since. 2) I m******ated at work, again after discussion I saw why this was an unacceptable thing not just in a hygiene sense, but also for me showing respect to my partner and finally 3) This e-mail.

    Now I have hurt the one person I shouldn’t hurt. One of the people in this world who I have genuine and lasting love for and that is tearing me apart. Even I lose her as my girlfriend, if she moves away and never speaks to me again the one feeling I will have is that I hurt her and there is nothing I can do to solve that hurt!

    I was due to the doctors the day after the event of her finding the e-mail and I found myself for the first time in my life opening up to someone about my issues. My fears that when other people got angry I thought of s*x, when a situation that arose that would require feeling hurt I would think of s*x and what if…what if one day these thoughts went from erotic to something darker and then what if the thoughts turn from thoughts to reality. I had already emotionally hurt someone I thought it impossible for me to hurt what if I did something else I couldn’t think of doing – hurting someone physically…?

    The doctor was extremely sympathetic to me, asking me questions that allowed me for the first time ask questions of myself. So I have taken the first gigantic step in finding out the reason why I have done this. Done this to my partner and myself. So where do I go from here?

    This is my next hurdle, every time I make a step in the right direction the negative side of my personality says “Yeah that’s right Mr Big Head let everyone know your doing this and that. Your just after sympathy you dirty little…”…I’m trying to overcome this response. In a few days I am seeing a free counsellor and I have another appointment booked (paid for) next week to discuss this issue within myself. My girlfriend is still with me, I have been sleeping in the spare room and I am trying to be as attentive to her as possible without being overbearing. I am answering her questions as openly and honestly as I can (with the restriction of not knowing myself) and whilst I know we will never be the same I am hoping we can become something new, different. I am trying to rebuild the trust between us and more importantly I am trying to understand why.

    *exhales* I’m not sure why I am writing this here, I’m not sure if it will help anyone ever, but in my search for a reason/rationale I read through the responses on here and saw a group of open people. Perhaps one of them can help provide an insight for me!
23. Steve says:

    June 25, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    Hi when I was in college, there was one girl that I met. On September 11,2006 she came up to me and said hi and we sat side by side all the time after that. I realized that she had a boyfriend when she told me she ate at her boyfriends’ house. On November 6, 2006, I told her that she looked better with her hair untied and she said “that’s funny”. We exchanged emails that day as well. 9 days later, I met her outside the classroom and she stood right in front of my face (within 6 inches) with her hair untied. She talked about her boyrfriend among other things for 20 minutes. From then to March 2008, I talked to her at length (at least 15 minutes) about 10 times, sometimes up to 50 minutes at a time. I also sat beside her when she was eating lunch, even though we never agreed previously to meet for lunch. Each time she talked about her boyfriend, her problems, and her hopes. As these encounters increased, she didn’t respond to my emails over Christmas. However, when I met her, we often talked at length. I decided against pursuing a relationship with her because she kept talking about her boyfriend. I graduated in April 2008 and met her again in September 2008 and she was angry at me because I was there even though I didn’t attend the college. I felt hurt and decided not to talk to her for awhile. I just emailed her last week telling her what was going on with me. I believe that she may not communicate me through e-mail because she doesn’t want to get caught having a relationship with me. Did this girl emotionally cheat on her boyfriend and is she worth pursuing even if she replies to my recent email? Could you give an advice about this girl? Thanks.
24. Laurie PK says:

    June 23, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    Have you talked to your wife about her friendships with other women? It doesn’t sound like she committed herself to you after you and she got back together. Have you talked about emotional infidelity or cheating with her?

    It’s a little worrisome that she wants to have contact with her friend witout you finding out — it seems like she’s hiding something. Even if she “just” doesn’t want to hurt you or have a confrontation, she’s still living parts of her life that she wants to hide from you, which is just plain wrong!

    Kim, I suggest you talk to her, and figure out why she’s being so secretive. Tell her how it makes you feel to learn that she’s going behind your back, and how hard it is for you to trust her.

    It’s not likely that she’ll quit her job, so you need to figure out if you can trust her even as she works with the other woman. And — maybe it’s not the job that’s the problem, anyway. It’s how your wife is treating you, how she seems to disregard your feelings.

    It’s awfully hard to trust someone who hides stuff from you…and it’s not possible to have a good relationship with someone who hides pieces of her life away. She seems to not know what she wants for sure — and that’s not fair to you.

    I wish I had something smart and hopeful to say…but I don’t. Talk to her…and listen to your gut.

    Let me know how things go.

    All best,
    Laurie
25. Kim says:

    June 22, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    I also have been emotionally cheated on. I am in a same sex relationship. My partner (now wife) was caught with another female, not doing anything but “just hanging out” out at the bars. After a huge fight it was decided that she wanted to be with the other female. A week or so she said she came to her senses and came back to me. I took her back thinking it would all be over. Right before we had gotten married she met up with the same girl from work and they spent all night at the bar together again without my knowledge. Someone who is just her friend she says. Yet the other woman went out and bought her a cell phone and my wife would leave it in THEIR locker at work. It was bought specifically for the purpose of them being able to talk and such without my finding out. I am now unsure how to trust my wife while she continues to work at the same place with the same girl and don’t know how to make these accusations on my end stop. Any advice?