Emotional Cheating – How Innocent Friendships Cause Problems
Are Your Innocent Friendships Wreaking Havoc on Your Love Relationship?
What is emotional cheating? When an “innocent” friendship causes problems in a love relationship.
These tips on emotional cheating include a definition (it’s an intimate friendship with someone of the opposite sex – not your partner), plus information from psychologists and marriage counselors.
Emotional cheating can be difficult to wrap your mind around. It’s not a physical affair; it’s a meeting of the mind and heart — which is why it’s called an “affair of the heart.” Emotional infidelity doesn’t necessarily break spoken vows, create unwanted pregnancies, or spread physical illness. It’s an intimate friendship that crosses boundaries.
To learn more about emotional affairs, read Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship by marriage counselor Gary Neuman.
Intimate friendships cause serious problems in love relationships, and can be as devastating to a marriage or partnership as physical unfaithfulness — if not more so. Determining the difference between harmless flirting versus cheating is important to a healthy relationship, and can strengthen your relationship or marriage.
How Emotional Cheating Starts
Most people don’t plan to be emotionally unfaithful. Emotional cheating starts by casually chatting with coworkers or people they see regularly – and it grows into more than “friends.” They go for lunches, take business trips, or make special efforts to see the person’ to whom they’re getting attached. They think about their “friend” more and more, until it becomes a definite emotional bond. Those are signs of emotional cheating, and they definitely don’t help you achieve your marriage goals!
Internet relationships are more and more popular since everyone’s wired up. Emotional cheating now begins in chat rooms, forums, or discussion groups…and evolves into private conversations and emotional infidelity.
“Innocent” Friendships Online
In emotional infidelity over the internet, “friends” may never meet. This means that relationships can flourish in public places like the office or in private places, like one’s own home. Bonds can grow and emotional cheating can occur even when the coworker is at the other desk or the family is in the same room.
Anonymity is a potential problem with online relationships and emotional infidelity. There’s greater intimacy because you’re anonymous; you’re free to share the deepest darkest parts of yourself (parts you’re reluctant to share with someone in person). Further, you can build your friends up into the most wonderful, kind, smart, and funny people in your mind because you haven’t met – and you certainly haven’t dealt with dirty socks, disciplining kids, or getting lost in a new city together. Your relationship hasn’t been tried or tested. Emotional cheating becomes a slippery slope when you’re involved with a mysterious stranger.
To learn why some men are prone to physical affairs, read Why Men Cheat.
Are Women More Likely to Have an Emotional Affair?
Women are usually the ones who push the relationship further. Women want relationships to move from friendship to love, from computer to reality. Women tend to get more emotionally involved and are more emotionally invested than men. Men, on the other hand, see the online relationships or emotional infidelity as part of their lives – a nice part, but just one part. Women envision soul mates or life partners; men are just having fun and connecting with other people.
Some marriage counselors say that emotional cheating is more difficult to survive than physical infidelity.
6 Signs of Emotional Cheating
An affair of the heart happens when you:
- Discuss your partner and relationships with your innocent friend. You share your fears, hopes, and dreams (this is emotional intimacy).
- Meet your “friend” for dinner or lunch without telling your partner.
- Keep your computer, files, and internet sites password-protected.
- Hide or are secretive about your life, relationships, and activities.
- Keep your partner waiting while you spend time with your “friend.”
- Stay in regular, intimate contact with ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. Emotional cheating can spring from close relationships with past lovers.
When Innocent Friendships Cause Problems in Love
Instead of assuming or vowing emotional infidelity will never happen to you, spend time with your partner. Have open and honest discussions about your relationship. Have fun together; the more you make your partner happy, the more likely he/she will reciprocate! And, work on achieving your relationship goals together.
If you’re struggling to connect with your partner, read Examples of the Five Love Languages.
Don’t forget what brought you together in the first place. “It’s so easy,” says marriage counselor Gary Neuman, “to forget why we fell in love.”
Love and Relationship Help
- Is He Cheating? Learn the Truth
- Free Online Marriage Help – Mort Fertel
- Captivate Him – Be the Woman He Never Wants to Leave
For Broken Relationships
- The Breakup Wasn’t Your Choice? Get Your Ex Back
- The Sparks Will Fly! The Magic of Making Up
- How to Let Go of Someone You Love
Have you had an innocent friendship with a member of the opposite sex that caused problems in your relationship?
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Love & Relationships, Solving Relationship Problems
hi,
just want to know one thing.
Once we are emotionally attached to a person outside marriage,later we come to know its not right to do so,but we have promised that we will be there for him always.
i have ended such relation hurting him a lot.Now he doesnot want to communicate further.
Would that have been good if i continued just as friend?
Please advice and comment
The best way to avoid emotional cheating is to stop spending time with people of the opposite sex.
Dear Melinda,
It’s normal and expected to have regrets when you leave a relationship, even if your partner was emotionally or otherwise cheating! Leaving someone you love and built a life with is hard and heartbreaking…even if you’re not good for each other.
I encourage you to talk to a counselor on your own, and remember that your partner doesn’t seem to want to change or commit to your relationship. As you said, you’re feeling confused and messed up — and the best way to straighten out your thoughts and emotions is to talk to someone in person, who can help you find clarity and insight.
And, give yourself time and space to heal before you second-guess your decision to leave him! Instead of thinking about your regrets or if you should have stayed, just focus on healing and moving on.
Call a counselor for in-person support, so you can be sure you’re getting healthy and progressing in the right direction…
Wishing you all the best,
Laurie
I have just left a 31/2 year relationship with this man because of emotional cheating, since I left I have had some regrets and keep wondering if I have done the right thing. I truly love this man, but I look back at all his emotional cheating and all the lies that came with it and it makes me very sad and angry. I feel like the last few years of my life have been based on a lie and feel violated. When we first met he made me feel so secure, made me believe I could trust him, that I was the only woman in his life. Then I found out about the calls from his past girlfriend, they would text each other she would send pictures of her breasts to him and much more. His older daughter heard him on the phone one time and made sure to tell her not tell me about this, he had her lie! This went on for our entire relationship. Then I found out about others, his therapist he wanted (I found an email to her), he would go online and flirt with other woman. Then he connected on a website and found some old friends (woman) they would chat endlessly. I found myself feeling very insecure and jealous. I tried talking to him and he said we are just “friends” as well as all the others, yeah right!. Then the last one was an old friend (his younger daughters godmother) her husband had just left her so my “boyfriend” became her connection to make her feel better. They were on the phone 2-3 times a day, texting and connecting on this website. I saw what was happening we would argue all the time, I was tired of trying to make him see me and appreciate me, I was exhausted trying, so I left. So why do I feel so sad?
In the past three years we tried therapy only to go a few times, and every time I would ask can we make another appt (you see it was through his insurance so he had to make the appointments) he never did. I would try talking he would say I know I’m sorry but then it would continue, this was all done behind my back. Several times I told him please if you don’t want this relationship be honest and just say so, his reply would be I love you and want you, your the only one. But it continued.
He tries really hard to impress everyone except the people in his direct life such as myself, his daughters (he disappoints them also). He makes sure he finds the time for his “friends” but not his family.
Another thing he has been doing since I left is ask me to remain friends “a friend with benefits”! I told him you want me to remain your friend and keep you satisfied physically while you continue your phone, internet and texting intimacy, I don’t think so! He has played with my mind for so long I am feeling quite messed up. Another thing we are in our 40′s!
Please help, I feel like I am sinking!!
Melinda
Dear heartbroken,
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s attraction to his old friend — that truly is devastating.
Yes, marriage counseling is a great idea…and I hope you take comfort in the fact that their attraction is likely based on infatuation and idealizations from the past. They’re heady and giddy from their puppy love days, and are reliving their youths. Adulthood can be painful, and so can marriage — and it sounds to me like they’re using each other as an escape from reality.
But, that doesn’t heal your heart or save your marriage!
My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope you and he are able to work together to salvage your marriage and rebuild trust. It’s a long process, but if you’re both committed, it may happen faster than you think.
Let me know how things go, and I wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
My husband just recently reconnected with an old middle school friend. He told me about it and how happy he was to reconnect with her and everything. He is back home now visiting family and she lives in the same town so of course he meets with her and her family. They have been emailing each other everyday.
Well I came across one of the emails yesterday that just tore me apart. It basically said that my husband felt like he couldn’t trust himself around her that he would want to try something with her (like kiss) but at the same time doesn’t want to mess up the great things they both have- their friendship and marriages. He just wanted to let her know what he thinks about when he sees her or hears her voice. That he would try to keep it inside from now on. Key word Try. And then she replies that a part of her is relieved that it wasn’t just a middle school crush. That she finds herself wanting to talk to him all the time and that she keeps checking if he emailed her. She feels the same intensity that he does and it scares her. She looks at her husband and still loves him and nothing has changed since my husband came back into her life which is good. She says that she realizes that he will always hold a piece of her heart which pounds at the thought of him.
Of course I confronted my husband on this and he wrote back nothing happened. He made sure that he only met her with her family around. That he loves me only. So I emailed him how I felt betrayed and empty inside and of course a lot more stuff. Then he emails he never thought of it that way but he can see how I would feel like that. That he is truly sorry and he will do anything to make it up to me and show me that he really does love me and everything.
I also emailed the friend. She emailed saying she was really sorry that I got hurt but nothing went on (physically) that it was only a middle school crush. That my husband loves me and he talked about how happy he was and everything. So I replied and let her know how I felt about what went on. That something did happen even if it wasn’t physical. Plus I let her know I wasn’t going to tell her husband to ruin her marriage like she did mine.
I don’t know I’m just hurt mostly by him. How can he say those things about another woman. I haven’t emailed or talked to him since. I want to save our marriage and so does he but it just hurts so much right now that I don’t want to deal with it. I guess we should see a counselor. I think I will give it another day or two before I reply back to him.
Dear Mrs Jackson,
I’m sad to hear about your marriage…it’s very difficult to be in an unhappy marriage, but not have the financial resources to leave.
Can you call a local distress line or women’s shelter? There may be sources of financial support in your community — you just have to do a little digging to uncover them! If you explain what it’s like to live with your husband, you may be able to get help. Even if he’s not emotionally cheating or having an “affair of the heart”, it’s clear that you two aren’t happy together.
Please do make a few calls, and let me know how it goes…
Blessings,
Laurie
My husband and I are not no longer sleeping in the same room far less the same bed. I am not no longer in love with him I love him because of the child that we share but he is so damn meand to the child it makes me angry. My husband is drowinin in religion that he does not know how to enjoy how to be married. He dose not take care of himself which is a second strike and if he scratches my backs he runs to clean his nails as if I am nasty. He selfish and stingy to his family but to others he is so given. He has walked off and left me three to four times and I realy do not understand why he came back because I have been a single mom for a long time so it was no thing. We dont talk to each other. I wandt to be able to move on and I cant due to fincail reason, but the relationship is so toxic and I am very depress by it .
Thanks Laurie, I certainly will keep in touch.
Ms. B AKA: Mrs. B
Mrs B,
You have so much insight and self-awareness! That’s great. It’s interesting that this may be less about your husband, and more about your own dissatisfaction with your life.
The beauty of this discovery is that you have the POWER, intelligence, motivation, and strength to change your life. You don’t have to sit at home and wait to see what happens!
Let me know how it goes as you return to the workforce…
Laurie
Thanks Laurie for your support,
You are letting me see that a lot my feelings are maybe due to my own insecurities which is usually not me at all. I recently lost my job in July about the same time I started recognizing or I should say “focusing” on my husband’s different behavior. I also worked in the same aviation business as my husband and sometimes the same company. I think I view this woman as myself. I feel I should be in her position at this stage of my life and I have to ask myself “how did manage to become unemployed in a very male dominated business when I should be working as well”. It’s very frustrating when you spend your entire life planning, educating and positioning yourself for a better life and at 53 and here I am. It’s like losing control of your life. As you said, I didn’t feel there was a threat when I met Jane but I think physically she really isn’t a threat, I do feel though if there is any attraction to her at all, it is that my husband respects her as much as one of the guys and her independence as women in a predominate male workforce. You’re exactly right, me becoming jealous will not help my situation at all, I will become what she is not………….fearful, insecure and emotional! My husband’s weight loss program started prior to me becoming unemployed but I think maybe due to the loss of my job, I have had way too much time on my hands. I have always worked and been very independent at the same time very supportive of my husband needs…………………he is pretty spoiled and will be the first to admit it. I have joined him in his efforts to lose the weight and become healthier and have made every attempt to tell him how good he looks now that he is thinner and he tells me as well. I guess I have been spending too much time watching shows about who’s cheating on who. Your right, I need to focus on me and my goals and stop worrying about something that may not be an issue at all. As you mentioned “The happier and more secure you feel, the more attractive you’ll be to him”. My goal is to return to the work force and the sooner the better.
Dear Mrs B,
I agree that acting like the jealous wife is not the route to take! It’s difficult to stay calm and have faith that your husband won’t get emotionally involved with his coworker…but if you focus on it, you’ll be creating more of a problem than actually exists (the old “making a mountain out of a molehill” thing).
One suggestion I have is to invite the coworker and her husband over for dinner. Get to know them on a social level. Like you said, when you saw her you felt reassured that she’s not a threat. If you actually get to know her, you may remove the mystery that surrounds her.
Another suggestion is to read Dr Laura Shlessinger’s “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” book. Her theory is that the more husbands feel loved and cared-for, the less likely they’ll be to look for affection outside their marriage. Marriage counselor Gary Neuman (who wrote “Why Men Cheat”) says the same thing: if men are emotionally and physically connected to their wives, they don’t need to look elsewhere for love.
A third possibility is to tell him how it makes you feel about his new behaviors. “I feel afraid when I see you losing weight and wanting more intimacy, because….” You don’t need to accuse him or make him feel defensive. Just tell him your honest feelings when you read those text messages or see his new behaviors. You may be feeling fear, anxiety, anger, confusion, panic, resentment — and that’s okay! It’s difficult to see a spouse change so much, especially because of another woman’s influence. Be vulnerable with him.
My fourth suggestion is to celebrate his positive changes with him! Tell him how great he looks, how healthy he is now, what a great support he is for his coworkers. Encourage him to be as healthy and happy as possible — and keep getting healthy alongside him.
I suspect he’s just exploring a new stage of life, and it won’t harm your marriage unless you let it (which you know, which is why you’re here!). He’s jumped on a new train, and I think you should jump right up there with him.
And on a more philosophical note: whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. Some men cheat and marriages fall apart no matter what the wife does….some women rearrange their whole lives to please their husbands, and some of those husbands leave.
I encourage you to live your best life, to be as happy as you can. Let go of fear, anxiety, and trepidation….embrace your own love for life, your hobbies, your body, your mind and soul! The happier and more secure you feel, the more attractive you’ll be to him.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
I have to tell someone about this just so I can get another person’s opinion. I do not want to talk to friends or family.
My husband and I have been married for 25 years. We have had a really rough time staying employed over the past 5 years and it was taking its toll on a very happy marriage. Either my husband was unemployed or it was me and sometimes both of us. Our sex life was suffering and we would argue over the smallest things. About 2 years ago my husband got a job and he seems to be very happy. He works 4 days a week 10 hours a day until 3:00 am in the morning. His job is all men except for a girl, whom I will call Jane. My husband is a lead mechanic working aircraft maintenance. Jane is also a lead mechanic. My husband is 47 Jane is 30. She has small child and a live in boyfriend. After my husband starting working with Jane (about 9 months ago) he suddenly became obsessed with his weight. He is tall and nice looking and he has always has had a belly. All of a sudden, Jane is sending home weight loss books for him to read. She is a health nut exercises and runs on her breaks at work. Our sex life went from nothing and I mean nothing to 2 to 3 times a week. My husband starting losing weight and has become conscious of his looks. I started to get suspicious and started checking his text messages. They would read something like this. Text from other mechanics. “You need to get out here on the plane and stop laughing and cutting up in the office with Jane” you get the point. She would call him when she was late for work, which is 2 or 3 times a week. Instead of contacting their supervisor, she called my husband. Finally I confronted him about the text and why she was calling him instead of their boss. Of course he became very defensive. He told me there was nothing for me to be jealous about and he had no interest in her, she is just a kid. He stopped texting her but I still was not satisfied that she was not flirting with him. Finally my husband invited me to come to work for lunch one day and meet the crew. I met her and she was nothing like I expected her to be. Not very attractive, tall and thin. After I met her I calmed down some but my husband is still very worried about his weight. His sex drive seems to be the most active after he gets home from work in the mornings………. not like him at all. He still tells me he loves me and bought me nice gifts for Christmas. But I still can’t get over how he is acting. His weight has never been an issue with him. He was maybe 20 lbs overweight. I am about 10 lbs overweight and he never seemed to care about my weight until now, so now we are both dieting. She still calls him at work on his cell but only for a couple minutes at a time to talk, not hours. He is not working a lot of extra hours at work. I did see a call from her after he had left work last week for 15 minutes. If I were to confront my husband about the phone call he would just tell me it is work related and that it is nothing. I am trying not to act like the jealous wife and stay calm but I need some advice.
Mrs. B
Thanks Laurie for your feedback. I have another question if a girl comes up to me and stares at me (within 12 inches) with her eyes wide open without any smiles, what can that indicate? And if she does this 3 times (but sometimes in a different approach such as turning her back to stare right at me), is she indicating one common desire? I understand that gazing at another person can mean desire in that person.