When You Caused Your Pet’s Death – Coping With Guilt
The one thing worse than your dog or cat dying is feeling like you cause your pet’s death. Here are a few ways to cope with the guilt of putting your pet down or accidentally causing your pet’s death.
These tips for healing are inspired by a reader who had to put his dog down. Saying good-bye to your beloved dog or cat is heartbreaking - and it’s even worse if you feel guilty about your pet’s death. I hope these tips help.
Before the tips, a quip:
“If there is a heaven, it’s certain our animals are to be there,” says Pam Brown. “Their lives become so interwoven with our own, it would take more than an archangel to detangle them.”
Even though your dog or cat is no longer here with you, your lives and souls are still entangled.
If you’re struggling with grief and guilty feelings because of the circumstances surrounding your dog or cat’s death, read Letting Go of an Animal You Love: 75 Ways to Survive Pet Loss. I interviewed veterinarians, grief counselors, and pet experts for the best ways to survive the death of a beloved dog or cat, and I included stories from real pet owners who coped with guilt and grief in sometimes surprising ways.
And, here are several ways to survive the pain of causing your pet’s death.
When You Caused Your Pet’s Death – 4 Ways to Cope With the Guilt
Some people accidentally cause their dog or cat’s death by accidentally leaving them in harm’s way. The most important thing to remember is that you did NOT kill your pet on purpose!
If your actions led to your pet’s death, you have to keep reminding yourself that you did not deliberately harm your dog or cat. It was an accident, and you would have done things differently if you had know what would happen.
Identify “imagined” guilt about the loss of your dog or cat
Not recognizing that your Yorkie, cockapoo, or Siamese cat was ill doesn’t mean that you weren’t paying attention or taking good care of him or her! This is imagined guilt. Animals can’t always communicate their physical health; pet owners can’t see inside their bodies and brains.
Another type of “imagined” guilt is if you’ve accidentally caused your pet’s death by letting him out, keeping him in, or losing track of his whereabouts. If you did not deliberately set out to harm your pet, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. I know this is easier said than done – and it takes effort to forgive yourself.
If you’re dealing with imagined guilt because of your pet’s death, remember that sometimes illness or disease overcomes our dogs, cats, and other beloved pets…and there’s nothing we can do. This loss of control is a very painful — but real — part of life.
If you feel unbearably guilty about causing your pet’s death, read Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind by Kristen Neff. It’s one of the best books I’ve ever read, especially for people who hate themselves for things they’ve done. For a quick preview, read my article about overcoming self-hatred and forgiving yourself.
Remember that it’s normal to feel guilty when your dog or cat dies
Whether your guilt is real or imagined, know that it is a normal grief reaction. Even the most “innocent” pet owners feel guilt over a pet’s death. For instance, I now cringe when I recall how angry I was at my beloved cat, Zoey, for scratching the basement door (I didn’t realize the door to her litter box was shut tight, and she couldn’t get in). That was over 12 years ago, and I still feel guilty!
Healing after you had to put your pet down often requires forgiving yourself.
Identify “real” guilt about your pet’s death
Real guilt may spring from your feelings that you neglected your dog or cat’s annual vaccinations, daily food intake, exercise habits, and “quality time” with you. If you’re struggling with real guilt, remember that you had reasons for doing what you did. The stress of money, work, kids, marriage, and daily life may have taken precedence over how you treated your pet. Maybe you didn’t make the best choices.
Healing after your pet’s death involves accepting that you wish you would’ve done things differently — and talking this through with your family, friends, or loved ones.
Remember what you did right — because you did a lot right!
Your dog or cat loved you beyond all reason – so you must have done something right. How did you love and take care of your pet? Balance your real guilt with the real ways you loved your pet. You took good care of your dog or cat in many ways; don’t wave that away.
Coping with your pet’s death isn’t just about mourning; it’s about cherishing the best parts of your life with your dog or cat.
More Articles About Coping With Pet Death
- Can’t Live Without Your Pet? How to Survive Your Pet’s Death
- 4 Ways to Deal With Guilty Feelings After Your Pet Dies
- Spiritual Ways to Survive Pet Loss – Heaven, Prayers, Memorials
Category: Cats and Kitty Tips, Dogs & Doggy Care Tips, Pet Care Tips
Dear Karen,
How are you — and how is your dog Daisy? I’m so sorry to hear how bad you feel that you didn’t catch her lump in time. That’s so sad, so heartbreaking.
You took her to the vet when you felt the lump, which was the right thing to do! That the vet gave the wrong diagnosis wasn’t your fault, so you have no reason to feel guilty. How could you know that a second opinion was necessary? You trusted your vet.
To cope with the guilt, keep reminding yourself that you made the best decision you could at the time. You did the best you could with what you knew. If you had known differently, you would have acted differently.
I know that there’s nothing I can say to make you feel better. I know what it’s like to feel guilty over a pet’s health and death. You’re not alone. I hope you’re doing better these days, and that Daisy has more good days than bad days.
Best wishes and sympathies,
Laurie
My dog Daisy is 11 years old. I brought her to a vet back in March to ask about a lump on her neck. He felt it and said that it was nothing. I accepted his diagnosis. In June after her hair cut I noticed that she lost some weight. She also didn’t seem like herself. But, I assumed that it was the heat, since it was a very hot summer. I brought her back to the vet and he did blood work. The tests came back and she had hypothyroidism. She also started getting diarrhea. He put her on thyroid medication and tried to treat the diarrhea (to no avail). This is when I went to another vet for the diarrhea. (end of August) This second vet immediately felt the lump on her neck and said that it needed to be tested by needle aspiration. It came back as thyroid cancer. The lump was already fixed to the structures of the neck, so it could not be operated on. An xray of Daisy’s chest showed lung metastises.
She is now home with us. The first few weeks after diagnosis, she seemed like her old self, since she is on the thyroid medication. But, now she has her good days and her bad. Her back limbs are not always strong and her appetite is on and off. Sometimes in the middle of the night she is not feeling well. I give her Metacam to help with her discomfort.
I am so distraught that I can’t function. I am always crying. If I only got a second opinion back in March the outcome may be different. I really let her down. I am not sure how I am going to cope with this.
Thank you for your kind words Kathleen.
So sorry to hear about your loss. You take a chance and sometimes it backfires. I am sure little Oliver knew your heart was in the right place. Bless him! Hope your mother and you can work through the grief.
Today I am gutted. My mother found the sweetest little dog just over two years ago in the middle of her street dying. She took him home, then to a vet, then home again where they shared two wonderful years together. He was a little, white terrier mix who she named Oliver. This little guy was near death when she found him & she nursed him back to health. He came a long way & other than the odd seizure was fairly healthy. Last week his skin turned yellow. The vet said it was jaundice but wasn’t sure what was causing it. He was on medication for seizures which may or may not have been the cause. The vet ran tests and could not find a cause. This worsened over the last few days to the point he wasn’t eating or standing up on his own. However, the whole time he just wanted to snuggle with my mother – the love of his life! Yesterday the vet suggested that they try him on IV. We dropped him off yesterday afternoon, he stared at my mother as we left. This was the last time we would see him. The vet phoned my mother very early this morning & said he died overnight. I feel so guilty that he was alone when he died. We found out yesterday when we brought him to the vet’s that there is no staff person working overnight. However, a decision had to be made & we thought that the IV could possibly help him. This little dog’s only want in life was to be near people – especially his Mom. I worried about him all night, alone at the vets on IV & hoped that if he was dying that it at least happens today with staff and my mother with him. I have never met a dog that had such a big heart and amazing disposition. God Bless You and Love You Forever Little Oliver:(
On Sept. 4 we lost our beloved bull terrier “Ozzy” to pancreatitis..I feel sooo guilty over his death and I am soo heartbroken… Ozzy had a long history of medical problems which started while he was a pup, he had allergies and the tendency to eat anything and everything. He had surgery to have a serving spoon and an antenna from a remote control car removed along with some of my kids toys and a bunch of silk flowers when he was just a little over a year old. Since then every-time he got sick we would run him to the vet for x-rays to see if it was something he ate. We watched him like a hawk and we were quick to get anything he grabbed out of his mouth before he swallowed it. He also was on steroids for his allergies but that was after we tried every other treatment for allergies with no luck, we decided against allergy shots cuz we did that with our mini bull terrier for years and didn’t want Ozzy to go through that too, besides our mini still ending back on steroids even with the shots. So needless to say, our vet knew Ozzy well and saw him often, whenever we called they always took him right away. In August he started getting sick and throwing up and just didn’t seem like himself so we took him in for x-rays and they did blood-work, his liver numbers were off but because of the steroids it’s difficult to read. He started on antibiotics and stuff to settle his stomach but he still was so sick he lost 13 lbs. We were taking turns sleeping with him so we could keep an eye on him and make him comfortable. I wanted to share some of his history so maybe when I say that sometimes I would think that it would be better if he died then to go thru all this…So that’s what’s killing me I think I wished him dead. He did recover for a few days and started acting like his old self again but in early Sept. he was sick again and when we took him in that’s when they decided it was pancreatitis and started iv’s and pain killers. Ozzy died that night. I MISS him so much and can’t stop crying.. He was only 8 yrs old. My days were filled with Ozzy, he was high maintenance but now my days are so empty (I fill it with guilt and self-loathing) He must have been in so much pain and I didn’t know. I was suppose to take care of him and I didn’t. I can’t believe I thought it would be easier if he was gone because this is killing me. I miss him so much it physically hurts.
Thank you for listening, Linda
I am so ridden with guilt that I have not eaten in days. My 11 year old diabetic cat started having diarrea in June 2010 and I took him to the vet on July 5, 2010 for a check up and due to financial issues I never did extensive blood work, instead I just bought special Vet food to try and treat the diarrea and changed the insullin dosage to twice a day as per the vets instructions. After a week the diarrea was not getting any better so I stopped the special food and went back to giving insullin once a day. My cat was loosing weight rapidly as he has once before but then he was ok. So I did not take him to the vet and on Sept 23, 2010 I found him in the morning on the floor unable to stand up. I then rushed him to the vet and they figured he would die right there on the table and gave me the option to euthanize I said no please do whatever you can (because I just had an increase on my credit care so I knew I could pay for it). So he was put on dextorse IV drip and monitered and given insullin, but they could not stabalize the insullin levels. But in 2 days he was not dehydrated anymore and he was eating and drinking and could stand up wobbly. He only weighed 4.47 lbs he was about 8 lbs back in the middle of August beginning of Sept. He had no body fat reserve so he was very weak and soiling himself daily and he had very high creatine levels, meaning kidney problems. So on Sept 28th the vet told me to take him home and told me to try insullin twice a day and see how he responds, so he was taken off the IV drip that evening and the vet gave him his insullin at 7pm that night I picked him up and when I got him I gave him some diabetic canned meat around 9pm and within 20 minutes he started to have a seizure. I rushed him to an Emergency after hours vet clinic, they gave him diazapam as he would not stop seizuring. I then had to make a decision and I decided to have him put to sleep, which the vet agreed with 100% as he said he would not bounce back and he will have damage from the seizure. That was on Sept 28th today is the 30th and I still have not eaten, I am on the internet all day trying to see what if I took him sooner, I cannot stop crying I am sick to my stomache. I called the vet that he was with for the 5 days and told him what happened, he even said he felt guilty for telling me to take him home. He did say that he knew that my cat would not last long as the prognosis was not good at all, but he thought I would have more time with him maybe a week or a month. He said considering I was giving him insullin for 5 years without any complications that was amazing and that there were many underlying other issues that he more than likely had, but he was at the point where he was too ill and the diabetes was uncontrollable. The bottom line is that if I had extensive blood work done earlier I may have been able to prolong his life and I will never know now. I spent $2000.00 allready and the vet said that at this point he would suffer even more if I kept him alive after the seizure and he would have to be hospitalized for a long time. I making myself sick, I am even thinking of getting copies of all the blood test results so I can examine them with the help of the internet to decide as to if I should have kept him alive. I am single and I do have another cat at home that I rescued from the street in May 2010 and I am also sure that stressed my older cat out as well. I could go on and on with so much negative words…there is no end to the guilt I am feeling, it scares me and I dont know how to think positive or think of the good times with my cat, I just keep looking at pictures and videos I took of him and even in August he looked so good. If I only took him sooner.
Thank you for reading my lengthy reply!
Andrea
Dear Sid,
Thanks for your comment, and your book information. I love what you said about our pets’ spirits being alive to us even after they’re gone. That helps with letting go of guilt.
I am an animal chaplain who works with people to help them prepare for, cope with and move on after pet loss. I frequently have to address the issue of guilt regarding a pet’s euthanasia or other kinds of death. One thing I try to remind folks is that our animals have a much, much better relationship with death than we humans do. They live in the moment and see death as simply a transition, and often one that releases them from a body that is suffering or no longer serves them. Aside from any fear or pain they might undergo, once they have passed over, they are always fine once again. They do not bear grudges, nor would they want their beloved human to feel guilt on their behalf. Their spirits still surround us and pick up on what we’re going through, so making an effort to infuse our sorrow with happy memories when we can is important. In my book, “Good Grief: Finding Peace After Pet Loss,” people the world over shared stories of the human-animal bond and of shared afterlife experiences with these pets as they seek to reassure us that they’re OK once they’ve died. They’re not physically with us, which is indeed a palpable loss to us, but their spirits remain vibrantly alive if we’re open to perceiving the signs they send.
Dear Tracey,
I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your beloved cat. I wish I had the right words to ease your heartache and guilt for euthanizing Rascal.
Remember that feeling guilty is for people who have done wrong or bad things. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you didn’t deliberately hurt your cat! You made the best choice possible, given the circumstances. Putting him through the pain of chemotherapy, just for 2 months of life, doesn’t seem to me to be a great way to live — for you or him.
You made the best decision you could. It’s done. You did the right thing — you acted out of love and compassion. Keep telling yourself that, my friend. You didn’t do anything wrong…and though you miss your beloved Rascal more than you ever thought possible, it wasn’t your fault. Please don’t forget that.
Time will help you heal. Let yourself mourn — but don’t let yourself wallow in guilt. Putting him down was your final act of love for him — you saved him from pain and suffering.
In sympathy,
Laurie
I lost my cat yesterday. I can’t believe it. Rascal was my very first pet, actually he was my child. I adopted him from the shelter that I worked at when he was 6 weeks old. I found him outside the gate in a cardboard box with no food or water. It had snowed the night before and I never would have found him if they had not placed him in front of the gates. I fell in love with him instantly. I spent 11 wonderful years with him. In that time, I got married and had a son (who is now 1). Rascal was a very big part of our lives. A little over a year ago when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with my son, Rascal began having seizures. I took him to four different vets before deciding to drive him 52 miles to the vet that my parents recommended. He was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. The vet said that he was surprised that Rascal was still alive. His heart rate was so fast that he was “borderline cardiac arrest”. I was devastated. They quickly administered medication in hopes that they could control it. The vet miraculously pulled him through it. Rascal had to take medication every day for the rest of his life to control it but he was healthy, happy, and enjoying a new little baby “brother” at home. Yesterday, I took him back to the vet for a check-up. CA law required Rascal to be seen every year in order for me to be able to get his medication. They did a full blood panel, CBC, and checked his thyroid and kidney functions. The vet called me and was ecstatic to report that Rascal’s bloodwork came back excellent. They were just waiting on the x-rays. I was so happy. I couldn’t wait to take him home. About 10 minutes later, the vet called me back and told me that the x-rays showed that Rascal had cancer throughout his lungs. The only treatment was chemotherapy which would give him 2 months at most. Even the vet was shocked. One year ago, Rascal’s lungs were perfect. I could not let him suffer and gave the o.k. to let them euthanize. I am having such a hard time coping with this whole thing. I cry and cry hoping that the pain will go away sooner but it doesn’t. I try not to get upset in front of my son but I miss Rascal so much. He was my baby. I can’t walk into a single room without looking for him. Please help. I feel like I’m falling apart.
Dear Laurie-
Thank you so much for your kind words. Over the past few days, I have been able to work through my guilt and realize that, yes, Nigel did have a long and wonderful life filled with lots of love. I have been looking through our photo albums remembering all the funny and unique things both cats loved to do. One thing that struck me is that in most of the photos with both my cats, they are touching or grooming each other, so the disappearance of Maggie may have impacted him more than I thought. It was only after she left that he started losing the weight.
I also realized that last year, when I said that I felt guilt over not having the vet run more tests, was a difficult one for my human family. My 3 year old was hospitalized twice and had 3 ER visits in the last half of the year (due to asthma). We also thought my husband had cancer, and went through a surgery at the end of the year. Everyone is ok now, but maybe I just couldn’t bear more bad news then. For example, say we had found out that Nigel had some form of cancer, would we have had to make the decision to have him euthanized?
I also have talked to my extended family who knew and loved Nigel, espressing my concerns that he was living in pain. They assured me that, even though he was no longer the robust cat he once was, that he was still social and always came out for family gatherings. He especially loved my father and father-in-law, who were always gave out extra treats. My dad, who is a retired physician, pointed out that cats in pain would be hiding and certainly not want to be around large groups. While I know that cats can be experts at hiding pain, I think we would have known if he had been in serious distress.
While there are still moments when I break down in tears, I am starting to focus more on the good times. I had bought some food and treats for him the day before he died, and didn’t just want to return it to the store, so we took it to our local animal shelter for the kitties in need. We spent some time as a family petting the cats and dogs, and it seemed to help. I may even end up volunteering there once the kids go back to school. I am very sad that we will not be able to adopt another cat (or two) due to my childrens’ asthma and allergies, but perhaps there may be a puppy in our home in the next couple of years. I will have another cat in my lifetime, it may just have to wait until the children are in college.
For now, I will continue to write in my journal and read others’ stories. It is very comforting to know that many others are feeling the same way that I do.
Thank you again Laurie, and thank you to everyone that has shared their stories. I know we wouldn’t be having these feelings if we did not love our pets deeply.
Like so many here, I’m grieving the loss of our feline companion who we had euthanized on July 14 following several vets’ advice when it became apparent he had serious neurological problems – probably caused by a tumor – and the prognosis was dismal.
He’d wondered into our lives when he was about 2 and was with us about 14 years. What has made matters worse for me is that my wife left on a long-planned overseas trip about a week and a half after our friend died, leaving me to grieve alone. We’d always been a family of three: me, my wife, and our friend, and have never been terribly social, so I’m finding it very difficult. We did discuss aborting the trip but I was against it; we could hardly afford it and anyway, it was so my wife could see her family, all of whom live overseas.
So I’m in the house alone, and every inch of it reminds me of our friend. The place-setting where he had his food and water bowls is still there; there is still heaps of food in the cupboard. All his favorite places – which includes just about every room except the bathroom, remind me of him. A day doesn’t pass when I don’t shed some tears. He was such a big part of our lives.
As others here, I have feelings of guilt – those times when he wanted my lap and I didn’t want him there, or when I was at the computer and he’d interrupt whatever I was doing (I work casual from home). Most of the time when he was inside (which was most of the time, especially as he grew older) he preferred to be with either me or my wife. It got so I put a favorite chair of his next to mine at the computer, and many an evening he’d curl up and sleep there, but only after we’d had a cuddle session, usually instigated by him.
I’ve received some easing of the pain I’m going through by reading of others’ feelings here, and for that I thank you.
We should remember, I guess, that like us, our animal friends get sick and old, too, and we usually do all we can to keep them in good health for as long as we can, but eventually a day arrives…
It all seemed too soon. The first symptoms we noticed were on the night of Friday 9 July. During the ensuing days of visits to emergency clinics and vets his condition just worsened. There wasn’t anything anyone could do.
I stayed with him until it was over; my wife couldn’t — it was just too hard. I’m comforted that he died with someone he loved and who loved him.
Eventually we may meet with another furry friend who’ll wind us around his little paw, but for me, at least, that time is some ways away. The memories are still too raw, and it hurts terribly.
Dear Karen,
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Saying good-bye to a cat after 15 years is so difficult and so heartbreaking. And, you’re dealing with alot of guilt, which makes mourning more complicated!
You did the best you could while Nigel was alive. You gave him all the time and attention you could, and you have nothing to feel guilty for. Like you said, hindsight is 20/20 — and we ALL wish we could have done more in our human and animal relationships. But, we do the best we can given our lives, responsibilies, and mindset….and we need to forgive ourself if “the best we can do” doesn’t live up to some ideal of how we should love the people and animals in our lives.
You gave Nigel a warm loving happy home for 15 years. He lived a long, happy life….and I suspect you’ll see him again someday.
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Shirl,
I’m so sorry to hear about your cat’s death. It must have been such a shock, because he was so young!
There must have been something wrong with him — he just wasn’t meant to grow up and become an adult cat. Some of our most beloved creatures on earth are taken before they have a chance to live a long, full life…and your cat was one of them.
The only reason you should feel guilty is if you did something wrong. But you didn’t do anything wrong, and you certainly didn’t mean to hurt your cat! You made the best possible choices — and if you knew he was going to die, you would have made different choices.
Letting go of guilty over a pet’s death is difficult, but it’s necessary. It’s so hard to mourn in a healthy way if you feel guilty about how your cat died.
Try not to focus on the pain, sadness, and grief you feel. It’s important to mourn, but it’s equally important to remember your cat with love, peace, and joy. I don’t know how long you’re supposed to mourn for — it depends on your personality!
So, it’s okay to be sad that your poor cat is gone…and then it’ll be time to honor your cat’s life by remembering him with warm thoughts and love. After all, his life was about love and happiness and playtime
not sadness and grief.
Blessings,
Laurie
My 15 year old cat, Nigel, died yesterday. I just feel so guilty and think that I should have done more to help him. About a year and a half ago, Nigel started losing weight. He went from about a 14 lb cat to a 9 lb cat. We took him to the vet last July and they did the full work up, including lab work and a cardiac ultrasound. Nothing abnormal was detected, so they just put him on a diabetic diet (for the increased calories) and told me to come back in 2 months to have him weighed. They did say the next step would be to do an abdominal ultrasound to check for tumors. He seemed to improve slightly on the food, and I never took him back in to be weighed or to have the ultrasound. My husband and I did not feel that we would put him through surgery or other tumor treatment if that was the case. Nigel seemed ok, except slowly he started not to do some of the things he used to, like jump on the bed to sleep (I don’t think he physically could) or come out and beg for food when my husband ate on the couch. The last couple of months he has been deteriorating a little more rapidly. I didn’t take him back to the vet this year, and just knew yesterday morning that he wasn’t going to last much longer. He did eat his treats and daily wet cat food and used his litter box, though. My kids and I went out to do errands, and when we came back, found him lying on the cold kitchen tile floor. I thought he was dead then because I saw no movement. As I was putting a towel over him to cover him up, he moved. His eyes were glassy and didn’t blink. His breathing was labored and raspy, and he was drooling. It was obvious he was in pain. My husband was going to take him to the vet to be euthanized, but he died about 5 minutes before he got home from work.
My guilt comes from 3 sources: (1) Shouldn’t I have tried harder last year to find out what was wrong? Or taken him back this year at least when he was due for his annual check up? I’ve been reading and it seems like hyperthroidism is common in older cats with unexplained weight loss. Of course they checked for that last year, but should I have had them check another time? This is an all cats vet, so I am confident in their abilities, but still…(2) Gosh, has he been in pain all this year and suffering? Maybe it was some sort of painful cancer and we could have at least gotten him something to ease the pain. (3) We’ve had him since the beginning of our marriage. It was 9 years before we had kids, so the last 6 have been taken up with the kids. Nigel and his sister, Maggie, (who didn’t come home one day a couple of years ago-she was an indoor cat who was VERY upset when the children came, so we had to make her an indoor/outdoor cat-there was lots of guilt when she disappeared) were our babies, and then the kids came along and the cats just took a backseat. I feel guilt over not spending as much time with him and making him a lower priority in my mind. I also feel guilty because the children were rough with him these last couple of months and feel that he suffered at their hands during his last days. Not that they were trying to hurt him, but they liked to pick him up and carry him around or put him in the laundry basket, play house, etc. Obviously I tried to stop this whenever I could, but he would still cry out or growl when they were around.
I know that hindsight is 20/20, and that certainly a child takes precedence over a pet in terms of time, attention, and money, but I can’t shake the feeling that I just gave up on him and I allowed him to suffer with an undiagnosed illness.
The house seems so lonely now (yes, even with 2 little boys running around), and we have no plans to adopt another cat. Both my children have asthma and are allergic to cats. We did keep the cats in spite of everyone telling us to get rid of them. And, yes, my husband was the one who refused to consider giving them up, I did want to at times (more guilt) for the sake of my children’s health.
Thank you to all who take the time to read this. I do feel just a little better writing it all down, but will miss him terribly for a long, long time. I just want to get past the guilt and start thinking of happier times. He was a magnificent cat.
I am hoping that there is someone on here to talk too. First off, I pray that all of you on here will have your hearts healed, you sound like wonderful loving people. I lost my cat and as I write this, I am crying to the point that I feel like I do not want to be here anymore because of my grief. My cat died and I found him on the basement floor. He was only approx 1 and 1/2 year old. Beautiful, affectionate, funny, etc. The most special living being who I fell in love with and now cannot believe is gone. I think of holding him and it feels like a dream. The fact that I did have that opportunity many times is hard to grasp because I cannot hold him again. I do not know why he died. My guilt is that when I saw him, I knew he was gone and I went to work!!!! Why didnt I take off? It is one week ago this happened so I took off of work in honor of his memory. My guilt is also that he was indoor/outdoor (i found him outside) and that I didnt take him to vet for autopsy. But the worst guilt is that the night before, I was outside(after i got home from work) and did not see him, apparently he slept thru the morning til early afternoon. Noone remembers because he was in and out of the house. That night, I was on the computer in the basement and I didnt look for him or wonder about his whereabouts. Maybe I would have seen him, maybe I could have helped him. I think I took for granted he was being outside like usual. I love him so much and I am so sorry that he was taken away. He deserved a life, a long life. I feel guilt, loss, and my heart goes to him because he was cheated. I replay what I should have done. How could I act that way? Why didnt I play and hold him more? Why didnt I look for him? Maybe I could have saved him…and now, how do I live without him?
Thank you so much Laurie. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer me. Before finding your site I was going to go talk to my priest. Now I don’t think that will be necessary. It is very kind of you to offer this service. Thank you. I will try to forgive myself.
Thank you so much, Laurie, for your words of wisdom and empathy. It’s all MUCH appreciated.
With much gratitude, Matt
Dear Terri,
I’m SO sorry to hear about your dog’s death…of course you feel guilty! You think you could have prevented your beloved pet from dying…but you’re wrong. It was his time to go, and so he went.
You have to free yourself from your guilty feelings! Feeling terrible won’t bring him back to life. You have to take your vet’s words seriously: there was probably a pre-existing condition that was too much for him. If it wasn’t the heat, it would’ve been something else that pushed him over into the next world.
You’re grieving your dog’s death, and that’s normal. But you need to let go of your guilt so you can mourn him in a healthy way. You have to take control of your thoughts and feelings, and give yourself the gift of forgiveness and freedom.
You know you would have brought him in much sooner if you thought there was a problem. You did NOT cause his death.
Forgive yourself. Accept the truth: it was an accident, and he had a health problem that made him vulnerable.
I hope you’re doing okay, and that you’re able to let go of the guilt.
Blessings,
Laurie
I am feeling the worst kind of guilt and regret. On Sunday we lost a beloved pet in our family. It was my daughter’s dog, a vivacious, playful, joyous Corgi. He was only a few years old. My daughter had been traveling and we were caring for him as we have many times. We live in North Carolina where it has been exteremely hot for weeks. On Sunday it was nearly 100 degrees. We often have our dogs out for hours at a time, even in the heat as they have become accustomed to the hot weather. Well this Sunday we had been outside for approximately an hour or so. The dogs (our 11 year old golden, our 1 year old toy poodle and the Corgi) had ample shade and plenty of water. They were not leashed and were free to walk around at their leisure. I was distracted watering my flower and then I went into the garage to fold laundry. My two dogs came into the garage and I called for Joey. I had to call twice. Finally he came through the door and he stumbled. I knew immediately he was in trouble. My first reaction was to get him into a tepid bath to help him cool down. I stayed with him as I kept trying to cover him with the cool water. After a little while I took him from the bath and brought him to a fan. I thought that would cool him down more. I even thought he was improving. Suddenly he began convulsing and fell over. All I knew to do was to try mouth-to-snout recessitation. It didn’t seem to be helping. I was by myself and worked to load him in my car and off to the emergency vet. By the time I arrived, he was lifeless. They asked me if I wanted them to try extraordinary measures to recessitate him, I said do whatever you can. They were able to get a faint heartbeat but Joey never recovered. He died. The vet told me that it didn’t sound like a normal case of heat stroke and that he would bet there was some underlying heart problem. I had to call my daughter and tell her that her beloved pet was dead. She was devistated. Three days later all I can do is cry and ask “what if?”. What if I would have been paying attention to them and noticed he was in trouble? What if I had only taken them inside out of the heat? I am plagued by extreme guilt. I just want to sleep so I don’t have to think about it. I just want him back. He was a wonderful little dog and he was a great play pal for my poodle. They were the best of friends. They used to play together all day while we were at work. Since Sunday I can hardly get up and live. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s not my fault but I believe in my heart that it is. I think he had heat stroke and I should have known better than to put my dogs in harms way. Even my daughter is understanding and says that it’s not my fault. She is mature enough to try and make me feel better about it but nothing seems to help. I’m utterly lost, grief and guilt stricken.
Dear Matt,
I’m so sorry to hear about your poor cat. Grieving about a pet’s death is hard enough without feeling guilty over how our pet left us
The most important thing to remember is that you did the best you could. You did everything in your power to make the right decisions for Apollo, based on the information that you had. You would never have made a decision that put him in pain or end his life more quickly! Hindsight is 20/20 — and though many of us pet owners would love to go back and do things differently based on what we know now, we just can’t.
When you start feeling guilty about Apollo, I hope you keep telling yourself that you did the best you could. Release yourself from your guilt. Apollo would not want you to remember him sick like he was at the end….and he certainly wouldn’t want you to be sad and depressed when you think about him.
I hope you can free yourself from guilt over his death, and mourn him in a healthy way. Set yourself free. Set Apollo free.
Blessings,
Laurie
First off… I am so grateful I found this site.
I’m in the middle of immense grief (combined with guilt and regret) and looking for some kind of answers. I just lost my cat, Apollo, who I had for almost 16 years (he was 16 and 7 months) to CRF.
I’m writing/posting because I’m still having problems ‘making sense’ of the whole circumstances of the progression of the disease… I feel like it really blindsided me, and so I’m trying to see if there’s anyone else out there who has (or are) experiencing it the same way.
When Apollo was around 15, and took a senor blood panel at the vet, I was informed that his kidney levels were starting to rise, but were not incredibly bad (creatnine at around 2.7 – 2.8, I believe.) Everything else (thyroid, liver, diabetes risk) was all good, normal. I should also note that he did have a heart murmur… which the vet graded around a middle range.
The vet said we should start him on renal food, and so I did. Everything had been seeming fine, except … by the end of last year… and really increasing notably by this past March/April, (which would have been just a little over a year later), he started exhibiting behavorial signs that just weren’t like him. Late at night, he would start pacing around the couch/coffee table constantly meowing… a nervous kind of pacing, (he was the ultimate lap cat… always wanting to be there… and so even after a few minutes of him going to my lap, he’d start the pacing up again. And then he would start waking me up very early in the AM to be fed (just wasn’t like him)… and then after feeding him… he still wouldn’t seem very satiated. He would still cry, and it would take him a while to calm down. I had had another cat years back (older) who had had thyroid issues, and the symptoms seemed similar, so I, naturally, thought this might be the case as well. I, of course, took him to the vet (this was this past April). We did another senior panel (this would have been about a year from the last one.) I – at that time – asked if there was anything I could do to ‘chill him out’ at night… also so he’d sleep a little more … (the whole thing was having me lose some sleep too.) My vet gave me a little valium to give him that I could give him at night.
Well … it would be that later night/early am that would be the moment if I could turn back and change, I would. Anyways … I gave him the reccomended dosage. It didn’t seem to do much. Gave him some more… same thing. Tried going to sleep… in the morning… he did the same thing … I got impatient/angry… something I will always be ashamed of … and gave him a good amount more… too much… angry while I was doing it… just wanting him to be quiet. I’m sick with myself while I think of it. When I woke up a few hours later, I came to my senses and realized how incredibly stupid and reactionary I had been. He was, obviously, really gorked out (still eating though… and walking…though sluggishly around.) I anxiously called my vet… and wanted, of course as well, the results form the panel taken the previous day.
She finally called me and told me that the only thing that was really going on was that… the kidney levels were raising. (creatnine at 3.5.) I was a little surprised… only because he had been on renal food the whole time, but she explained to me that I would have seen higher numbers had he not been. Everything else was good… liver great, no thyroid issue (which – of course – surprised me.) I, then, told her about the valium incident… of which I was greatly worried and consumed with guilt about. She told me that ‘yes’ … it was a big amount… but just watch him … and that it would take about 72 hrs for it to get out of his system. I thought he was doing ok, a little better each day, but by the 72 hour mark… things worsened. He was really lethargic… hiding in a closet at one point. I was beside myself.
I, of course, rushed to the vet the next day. We needed to take another panel… she gave him fluids that day, and I would have the results back after the weekend. The results came back and it turned out… his kidney levels shot sky high (creatnine up to 8.5.)… while everything else stayed ok. I was beside myself. She was hoping that they may have come down since the fluids that day, so we retested. They were continuing to shoot up … creatnine up to 11.5. She told me it was at the point where the only thing we could do was for me to administer him in for a stay there with an IV for a kidney flush to bring the levels down. Again, I was beside myself… and couldn’t live with myself if I had caused this.
TO NOTE: in addition to my vet, I sought the opinions of 2 other vets over the months that followed, and they both told me it wasn’t the valium that did this (they even said the amount i gave him wasn’t super horrible) … that he had kidney failure… and that it was iminent… and that the creatnine rise could even be a coincidence of timing. Regarding the behaviors of the nighttime pacing and early morning crying… my vet chalked it up to ‘senior moments’. I’m not sure. It may have been his way of indicating discomfort… I’ll never know. BUT.. regarding everyone telling me it wasn’t the valium, that incident will always be the link which ‘sped things up’ in my mind. I don’t know.
Anyways … to continue on: after being in the vet for a kidney flush for 6 days (and to note: the vet was very careful to administer the flow of the flush slowly due to his heart murmur), we finally got the creatnine levels back down to 4.5. I was estatic and felt so relieved and just wanted my boy back. (TO NOTE, he would be put on a regimen of sub q fluids at home here twice/day.) However: two major side effects of the experience… he got a urinary tract infection from the experience/flush(which, I guess, was told can be common from the procedure) AND he stopped eating the wet version of the renal food which I had been feeding him for over a year and started eating the dry version of it. Because he was older and alot of his teethe were a bit stressed… they came out even more stressed… I could tell they were hurting him when he was eating back at home.(I had been putting off a dental for a while… due to his age.) but now… I could tell they were really hurting, and so I knew he was going to need one… but I – of course – didn’t want to do one yet after what he had just been through. The whole thing stressed me more. A week later, we tested the levels, and they were staying the same (but that’s what revealed the UTI), so he went on antibiotics. We waited a bit, and then proceeded with the dental, upon which he did great (my vet padded him wth fluids before and after and had to use very little anesthesia)… and seemed the best he had ever been in this whole process… really good energy… eating well.(We’re at the beginning of May at this point.) BUT… to note… one downside this whole time: ever since he got out of the vet from the 6 day kidney flush, he never ate again the wet renal food that I had consistently given him for over a year. I tried and tried. He even picked at the dry less and less, so I had to switch to good brands of senior food. This fact always disheartened me.
48 hrs later after the dental, things changed. He started going under my desk, and I knew something was up. (we had given him a very small, short course (like 4 days) of Baytril due to the UTI (I hadn’t felt the previous antibiotic was doing it) … I stopped it immediately after he started seeming weird. (TO NOTE: the UTI did clear.)
Back to the vet for testing. 2 very disappointing things, and 2 things that told me, essentially, he would never be back up to prime health again. His creatnine levels shot up again… back up to 8.5. I was devasted and baffled. He had been getting the sub qs twice/day… the levels had stayed stable after the flush.. up to the dental which was like almost 2 weeks. I couldn’t understand it. In addition to this, his heart had gotten stressed from receiving the fluids (remember his heart murmur)(she did an xray and saw fluid around the heart), and so we had to reduce the sub qs to once daily, AND he had to start taking a heart medication (benazypril.) The xray also showed he had some small kidney stones, which she explained to me can increase the chance for another UTI. Again, more devastation, and I’m sure all of you can fill in the blanks of what I was going through, emotionally.
Fortunately with the heart medication and the sub qs down to once a day, the fluid around the heart did clear up (this was mid May at this point), but I was living in a limbo… still in shell-shock this was happening… still drenched in guilt. My vet assured me it wasn’t me/the valium incident that caused all this. She said, “Matt… you have to know it’s not like you took a year off his life or something like that… it may have sped things up a bit, but we still would have been here doing this soon … this WOULD have happened.” I couldn’t (and still can’t) wrap my brain around it. A week before ‘the valium incident’, he was playing with a laser pointer. That would never happen again.
I’ve already wrote tons here, and if you’re still reading, I’m eternally grateful. Anyways, I’ll try to sum up. What followed was… good days, bad days, the rollercoaster that it is. Resorting to anti-nausea shots to get him to eat. By the end of May, it segued with him peeing everywhere. I even put a small litterbox on top of my bed, and he still peed on the bed (and everywhere else.) I, sadly, had to keep him, eventually, out of my bedroom which still makes me cry (as does everything) now… as he always slept with me. And the peeing got worse. Just random places. I said to my vet…”maybe another UTI?”. She said it could be, but it was likely just the progression of the disease.
At this point, on an emotional level, I felt so blessed he was still with me, but at the same time… I knew he was declining and knew the end neared, and so he and the whole thing was simultaneously this constant source of sadness in my life. I was lving in limbo because it was like the end was there looming, and everyday I wondered ‘when’ and ‘how much more time does he have?’, etc. (you all know it.)
By the beginning of this month, he was anemic. I couldn’t affford a blood transfusion (which wouldn’t have ‘fixed’ anything anyways.) This whole thing, by the way, had put me in debt anyways… I reached a point where I didn’t care. I opted for the drug, Epogen. It didn’t work.
I finally had to make the choice this past Monday to let him go. (It had gotten to a point on the weekend prior where he had been retreating to, soley, wanting to be on the balcony… and I just knew.) TO NOTE: my vet told me… after it was over, that he went with the sedative which was a big indicator that he was really ready to go.
The grieving process is BEYOND hard and painful… (I feel like I’ll never get through it) and what’s acting as a major obstacle for me is still that feeling of “it shoudln’t have happened this way!!” I mean … I hear of (and have known) of so many owners of cats with kidney failure who get the news (with an even higher creatnine level than he had), start the process of giving their cat sub qs maybe say… 3x/wk … and they have their cat in a pretty good state for sometimes 2 years.
Like I said, he had a creatnine level on that Monday in April of 3.5 and was playing with a laser pointer, and by the weekend it was up to 8.5 (and then higher.) ‘Yes’ … after the flush, we did get it down to 4.5 again, but… as you’ve heard the story, it was the beginning of the end… with only 3 months left for him to live (and not in a great, happy state.) And… even with everyone… 2 different vets and people alike… telling me, “Matt, it wasn’t the valium incident”, it hard for me not to think that that wasn’t the bridge which linked him to getting faster towards his end.
I try to ask myself, “maybe the disease was way more progressed than I knew… and than he was leading on?” even though the level read a 3.5 on that Monday. “Maybe the pacing/meowing at night, the crying in the morning for food and not seeming satiated… maybe it was about something not being right… and not just ‘senior moments’??”… like my vet said.
(One of the other vets I spoke with thought that those behaviors were definite indicators that something WAS wrong… perhaps a central nervous system problem… that a blood test wouldn’t necessarily pick up. I guess I’ll never know. But that feeling of ‘it happened way too fast and SHOULDN’T of happened this way… (based on his numbers) compared to how it seems to go down for so many other catowners with the same problem… is really making the whole thing now so much for painful for me, and – I know – acting as a block for me to grieve in the way I should.
Patrizia, my heart goes out to you! I can certainly empathize with what you’re feeling as I also felt tremendous guilt with deciding to not being Magic in his last moments. I just didn’t think I could handle it at that moment. But our decision came so fast and we acted on instinct. I really hope Magic knew that we were there for him and that he was being helped. He really was on his last legs and I think he knew because the fight had really went out of him and he just wanted to lay down which was so unlike him at the vets. But I do take comfort that we were able to say our goodbyes to him because some don’t even get that. I guess we all have to work it out in our own ways. But deep down I know our pets know our love that binds us and I don’t think that ever goes away. You said you only had her for a couple of years but I lost my first cat I ever had under a year and it tore me up because even at that short of time a bond is formed. So I do understand. I found it hard to find a support group within family as well. My husband still won’t talk to me about him, he says it hurts too much. But I guess we all have to find our own way. Dana sounds very special and I hope you’re feeling better. My sister told me that even had I been in the room I might have regretted that as well later on. I think it’s hard period no matter what decisions we make at the time. But I do know Dana loved you and I’m sure that love was with her at the time.
I wanted to thank you Laurie for taking the time and responding to my comment. I read the article you suggested and found it to be very helpful. My guilt comes also by the fact that I desired not to be in the room with her when the vet put her to sleep even though the vet didn`t ask me. I was supposed to be there for her and I wonder if she was looking for me. I know somehow I have to live with that descision for the rest of my life. I will read the article again and again until I feel better. Thank you again:)