When You Caused Your Pet’s Death – Coping With Guilt
The one thing worse than your dog or cat dying is feeling like you cause your pet’s death. Here are a few ways to cope with the guilt of putting your pet down or accidentally causing your pet’s death.
These tips for healing are inspired by a reader who had to put his dog down. Saying good-bye to your beloved dog or cat is heartbreaking - and it’s even worse if you feel guilty about your pet’s death. I hope these tips help.
Before the tips, a quip:
“If there is a heaven, it’s certain our animals are to be there,” says Pam Brown. “Their lives become so interwoven with our own, it would take more than an archangel to detangle them.”
Even though your dog or cat is no longer here with you, your lives and souls are still entangled.
If you’re struggling with grief and guilty feelings because of the circumstances surrounding your dog or cat’s death, read Letting Go of an Animal You Love: 75 Ways to Survive Pet Loss. I interviewed veterinarians, grief counselors, and pet experts for the best ways to survive the death of a beloved dog or cat, and I included stories from real pet owners who coped with guilt and grief in sometimes surprising ways.
And, here are several ways to survive the pain of causing your pet’s death.
When You Caused Your Pet’s Death – 4 Ways to Cope With the Guilt
Some people accidentally cause their dog or cat’s death by accidentally leaving them in harm’s way. The most important thing to remember is that you did NOT kill your pet on purpose!
If your actions led to your pet’s death, you have to keep reminding yourself that you did not deliberately harm your dog or cat. It was an accident, and you would have done things differently if you had know what would happen.
Identify “imagined” guilt about the loss of your dog or cat
Not recognizing that your Yorkie, cockapoo, or Siamese cat was ill doesn’t mean that you weren’t paying attention or taking good care of him or her! This is imagined guilt. Animals can’t always communicate their physical health; pet owners can’t see inside their bodies and brains.
Another type of “imagined” guilt is if you’ve accidentally caused your pet’s death by letting him out, keeping him in, or losing track of his whereabouts. If you did not deliberately set out to harm your pet, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. I know this is easier said than done – and it takes effort to forgive yourself.
If you’re dealing with imagined guilt because of your pet’s death, remember that sometimes illness or disease overcomes our dogs, cats, and other beloved pets…and there’s nothing we can do. This loss of control is a very painful — but real — part of life.
If you feel unbearably guilty about causing your pet’s death, read Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind by Kristen Neff. It’s one of the best books I’ve ever read, especially for people who hate themselves for things they’ve done. For a quick preview, read my article about overcoming self-hatred and forgiving yourself.
Remember that it’s normal to feel guilty when your dog or cat dies
Whether your guilt is real or imagined, know that it is a normal grief reaction. Even the most “innocent” pet owners feel guilt over a pet’s death. For instance, I now cringe when I recall how angry I was at my beloved cat, Zoey, for scratching the basement door (I didn’t realize the door to her litter box was shut tight, and she couldn’t get in). That was over 12 years ago, and I still feel guilty!
Healing after you had to put your pet down often requires forgiving yourself.
Identify “real” guilt about your pet’s death
Real guilt may spring from your feelings that you neglected your dog or cat’s annual vaccinations, daily food intake, exercise habits, and “quality time” with you. If you’re struggling with real guilt, remember that you had reasons for doing what you did. The stress of money, work, kids, marriage, and daily life may have taken precedence over how you treated your pet. Maybe you didn’t make the best choices.
Healing after your pet’s death involves accepting that you wish you would’ve done things differently — and talking this through with your family, friends, or loved ones.
Remember what you did right — because you did a lot right!
Your dog or cat loved you beyond all reason – so you must have done something right. How did you love and take care of your pet? Balance your real guilt with the real ways you loved your pet. You took good care of your dog or cat in many ways; don’t wave that away.
Coping with your pet’s death isn’t just about mourning; it’s about cherishing the best parts of your life with your dog or cat.
More Articles About Coping With Pet Death
- Can’t Live Without Your Pet? How to Survive Your Pet’s Death
- 4 Ways to Deal With Guilty Feelings After Your Pet Dies
- Spiritual Ways to Survive Pet Loss – Heaven, Prayers, Memorials
Category: Cats and Kitty Tips, Dogs & Doggy Care Tips, Pet Care Tips
Renee-I am in a similar situation as you and I understand your grief and guilt. The day befor mother’s day I forgot my dog was outside with me when he wandered away from sitting with me on the deck. I found him in the road dead, only about 10 minutes had lapsed and we live in rural Maine with a huge backyard. He was practically a baby at just 16 months old and I am so heartbroken right now.
My husband was wonderfully supportive, I’m not sure I could deal with what your husband is doing to you on top of the grief and guilt. It would be too much to bear. Please consider greif counseling and surround yourself with as many supportive people as you can. I am avoiding unsupportive people as it just makes the hurt worse. Hugs….
Dear Renee,
I’m so sorry about your dog’s death, and that you feel you caused it. And, it’s especially painful because of your husband’s reaction! It must seem overwhelming.
I really, really recommend the book I mentioned in this article — the one about Self-Compassion. You need to forgive yourself for forgetting your dog was outside. You made an honest mistake, and you need to stop beating yourself up over it. It was an accident, and unfortunately it had terrible consequences. But the consequences don’t make it any less of an accident!
My heart goes out to you. I hope your husband will be able to forgive you — he may be reacting so harshly towards you because he feels devastated, helpless, and overwhelmed with grief. He isn’t thinking clearly, and I’m sure that once he mourns your dog’s death, he will take back his harsh words to you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sincerely,
Laurie
I accidentally caused our English Bulldogs death by forgetting he was outside…we live in TX and by most standards, it was only warm, but he couldn’t take the heat. It just tears me up and I am riddled with guilt and sorrow…what’s worse is my spouse told me immediately after that I was selfish and did not deserve a dog…along with a few other things, basically anything mean he could think to say…but no comfort…and now he tells me when I’m grieving, to get over it…I can’t…I loved our dog…he was my companion and
I just can’t forgive myself for not being there when he needed me.
My beautiful Lilly- only 4 years old- and, I know everyone says it, but the most unique cat ever. I had to put her to sleep after she started to deteriorate from a chronic kidney problem (she was, we discovered, after an ultrasound, born with only one kidney and the other misshapen and too small). She became very ill last year at the same time but pulled through- so we spent the winter dreading this month coming around again. This time we were “prepared” – can you ever really be?
Does anyone really know for sure that you did the right thing? I know in my head, yes, but I still spend sleepless nights with guilt. I still feel her jumping onto my bed at night and curling at my feet. And I still cry- and am as I write this today.
4 days ago we said goodbye to our beloved cat. In January he suddenly stopped eating and we took him to the vet. They did bloodwork and found nothing out of the ordinary, and assumed it was dental problems causing him not to eat. We scheduled him in the next day for a tooth cleaning and an extraction. We also had him on antibiotics, meds to coat his stomach and an appetite stimulant. The vet bills were huge and none of it helped. Sometimes he would eat, but mostly he just licked at his food and due to this had lost a lot of weight. Last Thursday I found him in distress, suffering from a seizure or maybe a stroke, I don’t know. We rushed him to the vet who told us to euthanize, which we did. I wish I had noticed his weight loss earlier. I am sick with guilt over the fact that I did not have more testing done, or get a second opinion from another vet or SOMETHING that may have prolonged his life. I was home Thursday afternooon, upstairs with music playing, and I did not go check on him and maybe he was crying and I didn’t hear it. I don’t remember if I petted him the day before. I feel like a monster. I have barely eaten since this happened, cannot stop crying and am now in physical pain from an old car accident injury that hasn’t bothered me in years. My husband doesn’t understand why I am blaming myself, he was the actual owner of our cat (took him in 10 years ago as a stray) and was mostly responsible for his care. He is happy that we were able to give him a loving home and let him live out his time in peace. But all I can think about is the what-ifs, and am running all these different scenarios in my head. Even though we have several other cats that are quite elderly and in great health, I feel like I’ve failed. I’m so sad and I desperately miss him.
My friend, listener, and cuddle buddy was made a star today 4/09/2012. I never thought it would be so hard, but it was. Crazie had deteriorated when we left her at a friends house in between moves. In the last months started to have seizures, not eating, had a hard time walk, but never gave up on trying to get a drink from the bathroom sink or tub. I carried her up and down the stairs since she would try to follow. I brought her home to my parents house to have my dad help me, but Crazie looked like she was getting better. She was eating, drinking and cuddling (snuck her into the bedroom) Her purr was loud, how can I have done this to her!! She has always been there for me and I let her down. I carried her out of the vet crying my eyes out and waited for her to wake up.
It feels just like yesterday that we picked her up from some lady outside walmart. Ever since that day, she was mine. Crazie would always cuddle under my left arm and purr till she fell asleep. Always there to greet me when I came home or didn’t really want to talk. I am still waiting for her to jump on the bed to make me stop writing and pay her some mind. LOL. I miss you a lot Crazie!!!!! You gave me a great 13 years and I hope I did the same for you.
Today 4/2/12 we also had to put our beloved 12 year old Yellow Labrador Bruiser down. We had him since he was a puppy and he was the best and most loyal & mellow dog we’ve had. He had a severe seizure last week and his back legs became paralyzed to where he could hardly walk or go potty and he was so sad and clearly in pain. I know we & the Vet made the right decision but it’s so difficult. I almost don’t want to go home & see his empty yard. Sometimes I feel guilty for not walking him enough, etc.. Last winter we had to also put our sweet 5 year old kitty down due to liver failure. It’s so hard to see your Pets in pain and dying. Seems like these days our beloved pets keep passing away.
Today we put our 13yr old german sheperd down. He had hip problems and was falling and injured his back. He was feeling pain in his hip that he couldnt sit down properly anymore. Three months ago he had a surgury and got tumor removed and was 34kg (already skinny). and yesterday went to vet he was 28kg. and was eating normally but still decreased in weight due to age and the vet recommended me to put him down and we did it the next day(today). I felt guilty for making the decision having him put down and also i felt i could have done so much more in making his life better.Hes been a part of me like seeing him is like a habit,a habit similar to something we had to do like brushing teeth and taking a shower. I just cant imagine walking in the backyard not seeing him and always calling his name out. Gucci! my friend told me hes free now and its better for him. Yeah i know but i just miss him so much so so much.
Today we put our beagle down and I’m still in shock that it’s all over. Cody was 13 and probably could have gone for a few more years but he was getting more and more agitated with the noise making and running our kids would do on a daily basis. Rather than face a more serious situation, we decided that a change had to be made. After calling several shelters, we found that none could take in a dog of his age, and some vets recommended euthanasia. Rather than wait for an illness to cause him pain or worse, a bite to one of our children, we decided to go ahead with it. I couldn’t even bring myself to accompany my wife and father as they left for the vet, and I didn’t even want to look him in the eye and say goodbye because I knew what it would do to me inside. We LOVE you Cody, and may we all be reunited again in heaven, old friend.
I had to put my 13yr old siamese cat Marty to sleep on saturday due to mistakes made by his old vet he ended up with an infection in his system due to his teeth and also kidney failure he was in so much pain he cried out loud stopped eating and drinking i could not see him suffer anymore and i had to make the choice to have him put to sleep it hurt me to do it but the vet said it was so bad that it was the best choice i can’t function Marty was my bestfriend in ways he loved me no matter what he kept me company he cuddled up beside me on the bed and nestled his head on my arm watched tv with me now he is gone and i am a wreck i can’t afford to have him cremated i can’t bury him in my back yard can’t afford to get him a plot so my cat can’t rest and neither can i knowing he is at peace when he isn’t right now to cremate a 4lb cat the want $200.00 dollars or more i wanted to keep him close to me in my home in a nice urn i don’t know what to do this is killing me i want my cat to rest and be at peace i love you Marty i did what i thought was right for you.
I am so sad and sorry to hear all you’re stories they are so heartbreaking, but I know what you all mean when you feel guilt and so much heartbreak and are crying all the time. I lost my April on 3/15/12 she was 12 years old, she was a mini schnauzer. She grew up with all my kids and was the best dog EVER! I came home to find her mauled by my other dog Roxy who was 3 and part lab part pit, she and April were always good friends, there was some pizza out back that she loved! April must have snipped at her or vice versa and there they went. The manner as to which she died I can’t get out of my head, all these questions, did she suffer, was she alone and cold, was she scared, all these questions that I will never ever have answers to. I miss her so much that my heart hurts, I can’t eat, sleep, everything reminds me of her, I still see her little slobber on my car window or the window at home. We buried her out back in her bed and we covered her body with a jacket of hers and she looked asleep but just the thought of her being out in the backyard alone and in the dark really gets to me. I know the saying “out of body in with the Lord” but I still wish I would have put her in a box, my husband wouldn’t let me, I feel like digging her back up and putting her in a box, not sure if this is appropriate thinking but I am really not thinking right. I hope I can find peace soon because I am really tearing my self up. I wish I would have left her in the house and told my son to not put her outside, my husband blames himself for putting the pizza out and my son blames himself for putting her out. The other dog Roxy was also put down and we are sad about that too but her actions were unspeakable. I know there is a heaven for all animals no matter what they have done. St. Francis de Asisi will be there Saint and our animals will be waiting for us at Rainbow Bridge.
I had to put my 6 year old dachshund down today. I loved him so much. He had be sick for a week. Just getting worse by the day. Started off thinking g it was a back problem. Then within day rapid weight loss total paralysis and bleeding from rectum. He had cancer and we never knew. It was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. I feel so guilty. Like I let him down. He would just look at me confused. I tried everything but nothing worked and he was in pain. One side of me knows I did what was best for him. That was no way for him to live. The other side is selfish and wanted him here and feels guilty like I let him down. I will always miss my Chewy.
On Monday, my cat was put to sleep after 21 years together. I looked for answers as to why I feel so quilty about her being put to sleep. She started to go to the bathroom around the house, on the furniture, bed, etc, about a year ago. We eventually moved her litter box into our tv room so we could shut the doors to all of the other rooms. Her last visit to the vet she had hyperthyroidism which we gave her medicine. Just in the last two weeks she stopped eating all her food and would yowl during the night. She still was able to move around and seemed ok mentally. In the last year, I would get so upset and yell at her for using the house as her litter box and basically altering our lifestyles. We have not had company in over a year. My wife was very compassionate and understanding to our cat, I was the jerk. Now that our cat is gone, I realize that I was just awful to our cat in her final year. I never dealt with this before and it was easier to just get mad and yell at her. I now realize that she just wanted to be loved without conditions and I could not see that. I have cried now for three days. My heart is broke and our house feels empty. I thought I was a tough, mature 40 something year old. I guess what I am trying to say is that I loved my cat with all my heart but didn’t know how to cope with her issues. Anger is not the solution. Please love your pets everyday and show them compassion. They love you without conditions so love them back. I learned a valuable and painful lesson in being a pet owner and I vow to never let that happen again. Thank you all for your stories and allowing me to share mine. I LOVE YOU SMOKEE, you will be missed!!!
im still heartbroken after loosing by faithful dog jenny 5 years ago she was a rescue dog and my absolute world,we picked her from a dogs home she had been beaten starved and the finaly set on fire by her previouse owners it was love at fist site,however after 6 years she had a fit a week before xmas 2005 medication helped but on the 29 may 2006 my world fell apart she had a mild fit so i took the kids to school and dreaded what i would find when i got back home,suprizingly she ran across the floor with her silly dog smile,she then climbed onto her chair and had the biggest fit id ever seen i knew then it was the end we rushed her to the vets and she stayed in overnight,but the following morning we had the dreaded phone call she was finaly at peace ,we found out the previouse owners had beaten her so bad she had a problem with her brain,i had her cremated she sits by the bed the pain doesnt go away but i know she had a fab life with us i just wish i had more time with her. miss u every jen and always will xxx
I know how you all feel. I had to put down Prince friday night. After 13 years of loving the best little schnauzer in the world. He had a tumer on his right ear that bursted and wouldnt stop bleeding, I knew wouldnt make it thru surgery. I miss him so much it hurts. Love you my little buddy we will never forget you.
Hello Patti,I feel so sad for you, and will probably have the same feelings, but I want you to realize that your precious cat was doing what he wanted to do, and being where he or she wanted to be. That sounds so void and empty of feelings, but I am speaking from experience. I have a dog who I will lose soon that I have loved for 10yrs.6months.I want you try and remember your cat when he was playing, being cute and cuddly.That will take time, but it will come.Mourning is very healthy. I will not go into any details, but a Chaplin from the Viet Nam war explained to me about horrific deaths. He explained to me that death is death no matter how horrible,we all die the same, so your little kitty died that way.We all are so attached to our pets they love us without conditions.your cat was loved by you and would not want you to suffer. Please take care.Patt
Today, I had to put to sleep my beloved Ms. Blackie. I got her when I graduated from the University of Michigan in 1988. She was 23 years old. Unfortunately, for the past 4 years, she developed feline dementia, along with several health issues. Her world shrank to the den, where she felt the most secure, and where my lap was located, usually watching the t.v.
Words cannot express how empty the house is without her. I had the luck of having her as my pet for 1/2 of my 46 years on this planet. When I got home and went upstairs to the den, I could have almost sworn I heard her familiar meow, but know that it was all in my head. I miss her more than words can say. She was my best friend in the world.
I know in time I will adopt a new friend, but for now, I just want to try and get pass Ms. B.’s death. She was part of my life for so long, that I just can’t imagine life without her. My heart goes out to all who go through this. Believe me, if you ever want to see what makes a 6’4 man cry, take away his friend of 23 years. Hell, I didn’t know I could even GET this upset.
Thanks for the outlet to express my feelings.
So this is just an update on my cats, Roo’s blood results, I spoke to the vet the other day. He said, that the results came though as that Roo didn’t have toxoplasmosis, but he said there was still a chance she did, she just didnt have enough antibodies in her blood, for it to show up. But then I started thinking did I do the wrong thing, having her put to sleep, but the vet did reassure me, that I did do the right thing, as she would of only of kept getting worse, there was no improvement in her health at all. He suggested perhaps having another cat after Christmas, which we might do, not sure yet, we dont want to feel like were just replacing her. Nor do we want to go through this horrible experience ever again, so im still in to minds. But he thinks after Christmas would be a good idea, because he thinks, we could give another kitten/cat a brilliant home. So we will have to just see. I miss and love you every day my little Roo Roo <3 xxx