If your parents try to control you, you feel like you’re being swallowed by a shark!
Use these tips to take your life back from controlling parents, and stop being manipulated by even the most well-meaning mom and dad…
Here’s a surprising twist on living with controlling parents:
“Giving up hope is one of the healthiest, most life-affirming things you could do for yourself,” writes Dr Laura Schlessinger in Bad Childhood – Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood. “If, of course, you follow my two-step plan: accept, and don’t pout.”
At first, “giving up hope” sounds negative and depressing — but after you read my explanation below, you may feel differently. Read Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You to learn how to give up up in healthy, positive ways.
Here are my five tips for coping with controlling parents…
Controlling Parents – How Do You Cope?
Let go of your need to please your parents
We grow up seeking approval, affirmation, and even love from our parents. Part of why it’s so difficult to confront our parents is we don’t want to disappoint or anger them. Even as grown children, we want them to keep loving us – even when we feel like we hate them! A tip for coping with controlling parents – or any toxic person in your life – is to recognize your need to please them, and let go of it. Or, at least learn how to live with it.
Cut your financial ties to parents who want to control
On How to Cope With Difficult Parents, a reader asked for help with her father. He’s making her life miserable – not to mention the effect he has on her husband and child! She mentioned that her father helped her get a mortgage loan, and he holds that over them. So…instead of staying financially beholden, she might find ways to free herself and take her life back. This might involve getting a bank loan and paying her dad back – even if the money was originally a gift. It’s not a “gift” if it’s taking an emotional toll. Or, if everyone agrees that money isn’t owed (the mortgage help or special baby food was a gift, for instance), then she might get him to sign something that states she doesn’t owe him money and he has no right to lord it over her. This black-and-white evidence might help them take money out of the father-daughter relationship.
Learn to recognize emotional blackmail (one of the best ways to take your life back)
If you have controlling parents, you may recognize that they disguise their criticism, try to make you feel guilty for past behavior, or constantly make you feel bad about your life. They don’t seem to want to let you live your life! Before confronting difficult parents, it’s important to recognize and learn to deal with emotional blackmail. Read books like the ones I featured, take a weekend workshop in assertiveness training, or talk to a counselor. Keep reminding yourself that you’re a grown adult – you’re not a child anymore, and you don’t have to succumb to emotional manipulations! A big part of this is learning to say “no” without feeling guilty.
Separate emotion from an action plan
Emotion says, “But I don’t want to confront my parents or move to a different city – I’m scared/tired/frustrated/miserable!” An action plan says, “I want a better life, better relationships. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. To stop this from happening, I need to (insert action plan here).” To confront your controlling parents, you’ll probably have to do something you don’t want to do: quit a job you love, move to a different city, set and stick to your boundaries, talk to a family counselor, get emotionally stronger, and stand up to other family members. It’s not an easy way to take your life back, but it’s effective.
If you’ve thought of getting counseling to help you cope with parents who control you, read How Psychotherapy Can Change Your Life – Beyond Talk Therapy.
Stop wishing your parents less controlling, or different
“Giving up hope is one of the healthiest, most life-affirming things you could do for yourself,” writes Dr Laura Schlessinger in Bad Childhood – Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood. “If, of course, you…accept, and don’t pout.” Those controlling parents are yours, and if you’re still wishing they were different, you need to stop! You don’t need to give up hope for a better relationship with your parents – but you need to stop hoping they’ll change. They’ll continue to be overbearing and difficult to take….but luckily, you’re a grown adult and you are free to distance yourself emotionally, physically, socially, and financially. You can choose to live your own life!
Another book to help you cope with controlling parents is Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life.
If your controlling parents are older, read How to Help Elderly Parents Who Don’t Want to be Helped.
If you have any thoughts on coping with parents who try to control you, please comment below.
Dear CG,
The problem is that you’re living with your parents! In some sense, this gives them the “right” to say what they think about your boyfriend. I don’t think you can expect them to take care of you (which they are by providing you with shelter and safety), and yet not say what they think about your boyfriend.
You’ll never be an adult in their eyes. You’re their little girl, and they’re trying to protect you. I don’t mean to defend them — I would be saying different things if you didn’t live with them. But I honestly think that living with them opens the door to more involvement in your live.
I’ll pray you find that strength to move help your kids adjust to the change that’s coming up. I believe that’s the first step to taking back your life, and coping with the control your parents want to have over your life.
I came across this website when I was searching for some help on dealing with my parents. I am 34, a mother of 2, and I live my parents. I have been with my bf for about 2 years now and they completely disapprove of him. He isnt welcomed in my home. My dad has literally told him he is not welcomed here! It is a sad, stressful situation because I feel they will never support my decisions. Im at still at home because my dad is unemployed, my mom has always been an at-stay home mom. According to them, I will inherit our home, but the way I see it, it will never be my home. It will always be their home, and I will never be seen as an ADULT. I need the strength to get out & get my kids to be ok with the change. My parents always impose their guilt on my and my kids if we left… its just a bad situation and all I needed was to vent. I see am not the only one who has controlling parents… I need to move on with my life & not feel bad about the choices I make!
Does it help to know you’re not alone? It seems like controlling parents are all over the place! They want to protect you from everything and anything that could hurt you…and this is actually hurting you.
It’s ironic, that your parents are trying to control you because they love you. But really, they’re hurting you in the long run.
How will they see that they need to let you go?
I’m a 24 year old female, have been out of college, and working full time be it internships, or now, a paid job. My mom is trying to control my dating life and strongly insisted I not wear a bathing Suit to th beach with my boyfriend. If I mention him, you can tell she strongly disapproves and claims she knows better, and basically goes into panic mode. She’s totally fine if my little brother goes out, doesn’t inform her of his whereabouts; with me, I tell her for convenience and courtesy, and she uses this against me. I also mentioned if i were continuing on to grad school, i’d like to dorm and live away. her reaction was skeptical and sort of disgusted; no sense of support for me having independence. May I add she wa very pessimistic when my older sister brought up living on her own, and kept implying sh wouldn’t be able to. My sister has now lived independently for a few years now.
This is taking a toll on me and I’m waitiing to save up so i finally can move out. Am I a brat or rebellious child for wanting to make decisions like who I date or where I travel to? I
Reading these comments and searching the Internet really shows me how much of a universal problem bad (and specifically controlling and psychologically abusive) parents are.
My advice to younger readers is to not let the abuse drag on for years like I have. I am 24 years old, and due to the ripple effect of controlling parents have had a very painful time trying to reclaim my life (and my mind, and spirit).
I found the ‘action plan’ component of this article inspiring. I’m going to create some serious psychological and physical boundaries between my father and I.
I wish parents would stop seeing their (adult) children as objects and extensions of themselves. It’s just so painful and belittling.
Good luck, everyone. Let’s not inflict the same damage on our own children.
I still haven’t told them yet. I’ve thrown hints that I wanted to move eventually and they freak out saying “don’t take my baby, I’ll die without her” my mom keeps trying to tell me my boyfriend won’t take care of me and I won’t be happy. Anything to keep me living right next to her. I’m still dreading the day I leave. It’s going to be crazy.
Pretty much my entire life my mom has been overbearing, all through high school she rode me about schoolwork and it was horrible. Now I am 19 and still living at home. I live in Canada so I am legal to drink alcohol, but she gets mad whenever i want to drink and puts a limit on how much I am allowed… She doesn’t drink so she thinks that I shouldn’t either even though I’ve never come home drunk or given her any reason to worry. I’ve also told her how I want more space and I was thinking about moving in with my boyfriend and she immediately shot down the idea and says that she has had more life experience than me so she knows better. She never let’s me make my own mistakes… She is comepletely overbearing even though I want so badly to be independent. I’ve even started paying rent but she still tries to tell me how to live my life… I don’t know what to do.
Hi, I am 21. I am currently a student at a University in Namibia. I have always had “issues” with my father. He hasn’t been part of my life while I was growing up – all I remember is being afraid of him, I do have a few good memories with him but those where a really long time ago. He never attended school functions or sport events. He never motivated us to achieve anything, my father use to tell me that I will never get anywhere in life, I will never finish school (guess I showed him). He has always made us feel bad, and tells us that he works so hard for us, he is the only one doing anything and that we are lazy – he even tell my mother that, who does all his paperwork, banking, cooking, etc (without her, my father would loose everything) When he tells us to do something – we literally jump.
I am busy studying Business Administration which I really enjoy, but I am unhappy in this country. My Boyfriend recently left for Germany and I thought I wanted to move to be with him, but realized I want to move to get away from home.
My plan is to move to Germany and carry on my studies there, which is cheaper than in my country. The education level here is really low. I am going to finance myself, break free from my fathers hold on me, and live for once.
I told my father my plans and he told me it will never work and made me feel really bad and stupid, he advised me to forget about the entire thing. This is hard for me to accept but my father does drink and becomes really selfish, and when he isn’t drinking he is always moody – you can barely speak to him. When anything goes wrong he blames us for it and even if you have a question about something you don’t know what something is, he shakes his head and looks away disappointed.
Now I am battling with myself with the idea of moving or not. I know I am 21 and can make my own decisions, but I am afraid.
Hey there,
I am 20 years old. I’m currently studying an engineering major at college. I’m not very sure if my situation is as dramatic as I think it is, but I still consider it as a major problem in my life. My parents are willing to control me about EVERYTHING and it is disturbing me a lot. For instance, whenever we go to a friends’ house, if I am asked if I’d like anything to drink, it’s my mum who’s answering instead of me. I warned her about this -perhaps a thousand times- but she is not listening to me, and she keeps doing the same things over and over. There are many different examples in my life, just like the one I’ve written, but I don’t want to keep it long. The main problem is actually about me and my boyfriend. we’re from different nations and are living in two different countries. Last summer I insisted a lot to go visit him -and by the way my boyfriend has a serious case of aerophobia,
he can’t use planes yet- and my parents ended up letting me go there, not my own though, we went there as the whole family. I don’t care if they let me go on my own or not -or at least for now-, what really matters for me is the chance of being next to my boyfriend, as I miss him a lot. I’ve been telling my mum that I’m willing to go there again this year, to visit him once more, but whenever I talk about this she gets extremely mad telling me that it’s so “ashaming” for us to visit them again. I don’t get that logic, but that isn’t the only problem. She keeps controlling my life with this. For some reason I always feel like “I have to obey them” but at the same time I realize the fact that I actually am losing lots of time while bearing with this stupidity. These times of my life will never be back -soon I will start working, and things will surely change-, and I am fully sure that I want to spend this period of time with my boyfriend, but I can’t do anything about this. She just keeps controlling me by not letting me go there, and I want to get rid of this attitude of hers. I want her to realize the situation -not just this, in general- that she has to realize that one day I’ll be marrying or moving out. (oh and by the way she tells me that she doesn’t want me to marry anyone and live with her forever…and she sounds so serious whenever she says that, it’s scary.)
I do consider the possibility that she may be over-protective, but she actually is controlling me, as this is not the only thing she’s doing. Whenever I tell her that I won’t go to the college just for one day, she yells at me so madly and makes me go there -if I simply don’t go there she won’t be talking to me for weeks, or even if she does she’ll be so cranky-; whenever I want to go to the gym, she asks me not to telling me that I’ll be tired… there are lots of examples like such.
I believe that we are having a problem in communication. I can clearly see that I have to make my mum listen to me, but she never does -as I’ve already tried telling her how wrong her attitude is-. I don’t know
if I’ll ever be able to change her mind, but I just keep trying. She simply knows that I hate seeing her so sad and cranky, so she’s making use of it. But it makes me think sometimes…why doesn’t she care about my feelings as much as I care about hers? This started to kill my respect for my parents -especially for my mum-, and it’s hurting a lot.
I want to be able to take my decisions on my own, in any aspect; otherwise I believe that I’ll never be able to survive this life.
Thank you.
HI. Well ive recently gotten engaged to someone my mother doesnt exactly approve of. From the moment I told her that we had gotten engaged she has nothing my negative things to say about the whole deal. I have tried talking with her. Every time it turns into an argument. This isnt the first time she has something negative to say about who i am with. I honestly think she would be upset no matter who i was with. Im at my wits end on this. and I am getting very frustrated with her attitude towards my fiancee. Ive tried tell her that she needed to back off that it was my life. And that i was supportive of her Third marriage even though it has failed. And that the least she could do was to be a little supportive of the fact that i am getting married. Especially since i am her only daughter. I dont know what else to do here. Does anyone have any kinda advice on this? This is putting a great strain on my relationship.
Dear LA,
I do not have any answers for you…but I think that since you cannot change her and you want some contact with her, then you need to change how you respond to her. She is who she is, and she will never change.
You may need to counteract her remarks about your sons dad with your truth. Find a gentle way to tell your son that your mother does not have a realistic perspective of his father, and that he needs to remember that her truth is not his truth.
Does this make sense? Hopefully you can counteract whatever she says with the truth, and your son will be able to see her and not be overwhelmed by her comments and actions.
Another option is to talk to her about what she should and should not say around your son. This is a more difficult option, especially when your mother is so controlling, but it may help.
What do you think?
Blessings,
Laurie
i have a very overbearing mother. When i was 18 i moved 2 hours away and never looked back. I did keep in contact but distanced my relationship and became financially independent.8 years later and I’ve had a child with a man she has never approved of (although i feel she has never approved of anyone in my life). I have allowed her to “help” me out with the baby but it is always held over my head as if i owe her my life. A gift is never a gift and it is almost always used to guilt me into getting what she wants. It is causing serious strain on my relationship and i feel like i cant go home to visit other relatives. how to i allow people, like my father, and other family members to have a relationship with my son? I would like her to be able to see him as well but i dont want her constantly bashing my sons father…and i want to stay sane.
Dear Jake,
It sounds like the time has to come to stop hoping that your parents will motivate or support you, and start figuring out how to motivate and support yourself! They don’t know how to give you what you need to do what you want with your life. My mother didn’t know how to support me, either…I had to figure out how to motivate myself.
What do you want to do with your life? What 3 small, specific changes do you want to make?
Dear DJ,
I suspect you feel reluctant and even afraid to tell your parents that you’re moving out because they react so negatively to other things in your life! It’s hard to be criticized constantly…and you’ve made a major life decision that may not be taken positively or happily.
It sounds like you’ve made a really good decision to move yourself and your child away from your controlling parents. I wish you all the best — have you told them that you’re moving? If you need to vent, please feel free!
Sincerely,
Laurie
I’m a 26 year old mother of a 3 year old little girl. When her father and I split almost 2 years ago I moved in with my parents. I got with a new guy about a year ago and decided to move an hour away from them. They did everything they could to get me to stay and I did. I moved into a house rite next door to them that they own. I’m tired of them telling me how I should raise my kid and talking negatively about my boyfriend all the time. I have found the perfect place to move to but I’m dreading having to tell them. Idk if it’s cuz I feel like I owe them something or if I’m just scared of them. They have always been controlling especially when I was a child and even abusive. Now they are using my kid to get under my skin. I’ll tell her to do something or tell her no and my mom turns around and does the opposite and let’s her get away with everything. My child has become so diffiant and doesn’t listen to anything I say. I think it’s for the best if I move but it’s just scary.
I’m a 34-year old guy who has never had a girlfriend, no friends, and my parents always tell me I can do whatever I want to do with my life. Every time I have chance to change my life they pull this over me. Just some generalized vaguely supportive comment without showing any love or support like “go out and seize the day” or “you don’t have a car.” I’m 34 and they are in their mid 60′s and they are still showing no sign of ever letting me have a life of my own. They like implying “the door is open if you want to take it, but I’m not forcing you to do anything.”
I’m 14 years old and can’t wait until I can get out of my life with my family. I HATE them. Sure, they’re alright for a bit but my dad and my mum and my sister are so annoying. My sister is a massive hypocrite. She’s always acting like an idiot and she’s 17 years old. I always have to be the responsible one since I was little and I dispise her for it. She ruined a good lot of my childhood because I have always had to pick up her slack and yet my parents trust her more than me. She has gone to over 30 sleep overs and 40 parties when she should have been studying for her exams. Her, unresponsable, arrogant and spaced out.
But me? I might as well be in house arrest 24/7. I have never been able to go to a birthday, christmas or Halloween party and all my friends have started tiptoeing around me when it comes to parties because they don’t want to upset me because they know I won’t be able to go no matter what day it is.I always feel so mad because they know that I could be somewhere with people I actually like and they rub it in my face. I just don’t see there reasons for it. I’m responcible, humble and I know exactly what I’m doing all the time. Then there’s my Dad who thinks that just because he’s old he can act like a giant baby all the time. He complains about frikking everything and he’s enormous because he doesn’t do any physical activity. He gets mad when we deny him goodies and he chucked and fit and wouldn’t let us have any of the food he bought just because we wouldn’t buy him ice-cream. And then there’s Mother who literally thinks that she’s the Queen of Sheba. She’s an immigrant and has a family in another country where everyone is always dying. She can’t get over the fact that just because she is my mother doesn’t mean she can control me all my life. She won’t let me do ANYTHING. I’ve actually developed OCD and a highly functioning autism because of her Holier than thou attitude. When I was little she wouldn’t let me go out for sports, let me join scouts or go to camp and always degrades me in front of my friends. When I was getting bullied I had to deal with everything myself because she thought that they would go away. And all you other victumns out there know that they never never let you go. Then she was furious and proclaimed that I didn’t tell her anything which all my friends know was not true. My friends have offered me a place to stay and they’ve always been there for me. But my family? As soon as I can, I’m getting far away from my family as possible.
The only advice I can share is,if you have an adult child with bi-polar,Try to control them from hurting themselves and making BAD decisions!A 32yr.old,who’s buying a house with her mom,who sit,s all day long smoking pot, not doing chores,and had freedom.You have to show your parent,you’re an adult!She hasn’t lived with me for 4 months,I emailed and called to find out if she’s alive or dead! because she’s living with known convicted drug felons in a tent!she’s lost a lot of weight(from Meth)she’s changing alright,for the worst!she never tried to change or leave as an adult.Now she leaves all her responsibilities.No years of trying!31 years old and leaving home,WHY DRUGS!!!! “parents don’t need your help” She’s keeping alive?? Only by the grace of GOD!So my advice is, be a real adult and don’t HATE your mother who LOVE’S you more than anyone, other than GOD!!!!!!!