You don’t necessarily need counseling if you have a phobia…but it could help!

One out of eight Americans has a phobia or irrational fear of something. Sometimes phobias are irrational and illogical; other times there may be a logical cause of the irrational fear.

Many phobias lead to panic attacks, which are extremely frightening for both the person having the attack and the people around them.

Before we get into the signs you may have a phobia, here is a bit of background music…

Phobias in Psychology

The most common phobias in psychology include spiders and heights, and often involve panic attacks. Learn the types and causes of phobias, plus treatments.

“A person with a phobia suffers from an ongoing, irrational fear of something that is so strong it creates a compelling desire to avoid it,” writes Joni Johnston, Psy.D. in The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Psychology. Some phobias go away over time. Other phobias become a huge part of people’s lives, and stay that way unless treatment is sought. Sometimes, the best treatment involves getting help for anxiety disorders or panic attacks.

Most phobias involve an unreasonable, extreme fear of everyday objects or events – which is why phobias are irrational. They don’t make sense, even to the person suffering from them.

How anxious does your phobia make you? Maybe you’re not seeing signs of a phobia. Read Types of Psychological Disorders – From Anxiety to Personality for more info.

What Are the Most Common Phobias?

Phobias can involve almost anything — coffee, line ups at grocery stores, dust. Some irrational fears that don’t seem to make much sense include arachibutyrophobia, the fear of getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth, or geniophobia, the fear of chins. Another irrational fear is being afraid of Friday the 13th (not the movie), which is called paraskavedekatriaphobia.

Most people who struggle with the most common phobias are intellectually aware their fears are irrational, but they just can’t help feeling paralyzed by fear, anxiety, and helplessness. Panic attacks occur, out of their control.

Other phobias seem to make more sense. For instance, some people fear developing ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) or cancer. In extreme cases, this could develop into panthophobia and cause panic attacks. Other people are irrationally afraid of ants, which can become an anxiety disorder called myrmecophobia.

The most common phobia in North America is arachnophobia, or the fear of spiders. Speaking in public or glossophobia is another common phobia, as is agoraphobia (the fear of open spaces). Birds is another fairly common phobia: some people can’t look at, hear, or even say the word “bird” without having a panic, hyperventilating and crying — they suffer from ornithophobia.

The most common phobias in psychology often stem from everyday situations.

Where Do Irrational Fears Come From?

Most phobias in psychology develop in adulthood, but can stem out of a childhood fear.

Many phobias start as a “normal” fear based on reality and logic, to an overwhelmingly irrational avoidance of a harmless situation. For example, if you’re running in the park and a snake slithers across the path in front of you, you may quit jogging in that park. That anxiety may not go away even when you stop running in the park – it could spill over to jogging on the street, and even on a treadmill in the gym. Some phobias develop this way, and lead to serious panic attacks over seemingly harmless situations.

Healthy fears and phobias are two different things. Healthy fear keeps you alive and well, alert and energized. Unhealthy fear can cause anxiety and panic attacks, which can make life very difficult.

Learn more about phobias and anxieties with The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook.

Signs of and Treatments for Phobic Behavior

You may have a phobia if:

1. Your professional or social life is negatively affected by irrational fears.
2. Your fearful, anxious feelings won’t go away, and seem irrational even to you.
3. You arrange your life to avoid the situation or object. Phobias disrupt lives – which is why seeking treatment for anxiety disorders and panic attacks is so important!

Overcoming a phobia is possible, often with psychological help. Systematic desensitization is an effective treatment for phobias or panic attacks for many people.

If you’re thinking about getting help, read 5 Different Types of Psychologists, Psychotherapists, and Counselors.

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Here’s part of what she said:

“Sometimes people like me, have to endure the pain and just go through life with it at least until I go to graduate school. There I will be my own person. I hate that I can’t get help, that there’s no solution. I hate that I have to be with my mom every day. I’m sorry if this sounds like a rant. I feel like when I write to someone, I feel better. No one can ever know from school or other family that we have problems at home. I always want to be seen as someone who has everything together. I like it that way. Anyways, I bet your tips can really help others. I just feel helpless stuck here.”

She’s talking about the way her mom treats her; the rest of her comment is on my article about coping with toxic relatives.

Are you trying to survive a situation you can’t change? I think we ALL are – whether it’s health issues, marriage problems, toxic work environments, rowdy neighbors, or loss.

I think the secret to surviving pain, hardship, and loss is to accept and flow with it. How do you accept a situation that you hate? By learning from people who are wiser and more experienced.

One of my favourite authors of books about acceptance is Wayne Dyer. He wrote The Power of Intention: Learning to Co-Create Your World Your Way – which I highly recommend.

And, here’s a tip from Cheryl Strayed, author of Wild:

Know you are not alone

In Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar, Strayed describes her job as a youth advocate for teenagers. She worked with abused, neglected girls; her job was to help them not get pregnant, not get locked up before they graduate, and get a permanent job at Taco Bell or WalMart.

In her book, Strayed described the “ghastly, horrible, shocking, sad, merciless things” her girls repeatedly experienced. One girl’s grandpa molested her every weekend. Another girl’s mom’s boyfriend held her face under ice-cold running water outside in the back yard in November, and locked her out of the house for hours. Yet another teenage girl slept outside in a falling-down woodshed in the alley while her mother drank and raged all night long.

“I called the state’s Child Protection Services every day, and no one did one thing,” writes Strayed. “Not one person. Not one thing. Ever.”

So, Strayed tried something different:

“I told her it was not okay, that it was unacceptable, that it was illegal and that I would call and report this latest horrible thing. But I did not tell her it would stop. I did not promise that anyone would intervene. I told her it would likely go on and she’d have to survive it. That she’d have to find a way within herself to not only escape the shit, but to transcend it, and if she wasn’t able to do that, then her whole life would be shit, forever and ever and ever. I told her that escaping the shit would be hard, but that if she wanted to not make her mother’s life her destiny, she had to be the one to make it happen. She had to do more than hold on. She had to reach. She had to want it more than she’d ever wanted anything. She had to grab like a drowning girl for every good thing that came her way and she had to swim like f*ck away from every bad thing.”

Learn the art of bouncing back (resilience!)

Strayed realized she couldn’t change the girls’ environments. So, she tried to teach the girls resilience. She stopped trying to change the system, stopped calling Child Protective Services, stopped fighting what could not be changed. She started trying to help the girls build resilience and internal resources so they could survive their childhoods.

Sometimes we can’t change our family, our friends, the environment, or the community. Sometimes the only thing we can change is ourselves.

Let yourself be vulnerable

Most of us have a strong urge to appear strong and like we have it all together. But, the older I get the more I learn about the value of showing our imperfections and weaknesses. This makes people like us more – not less! It makes us human and approachable and LOVABLE.

We are loved for our frailties, if we are honest and authentic. Reaching out to others and letting them see us for who we are is the only way to live a deep, fulfilling, rich life. It’s hard at first, and you may even get rejected.

But, taking risks like this is the only way to survive situations you can’t change.

If you’re a teen, how are you coping with your life? If you’re not doing well, read Help for Depressed Teenagers.

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Tayla Anne

Healing from anorexia nervosa is a lifelong process for most people. In this article, Tayla describes her experience with an eating disorder – including how she recovered.

At the end of this article are links to articles about how anorexia starts, and how to overcome bulimia. Everyone’s experience is different, and everyone has different methods of coping and recovering. Some people find counselling helpful, while others seem to be able to recover on their own.

If you’re not sure about what an eating disorder is or if you have one, read How to Know If You Have an Eating Disorder.

Here’s Tayla’s story – if you have any questions for her, please comment at the end of her article.

Healing From Anorexia Nervosa

They say you only get so many second chances in life. I think I got more than my share, but how long could my body hold on?

The day I got my anorexia nervosa diagnosis was the day I almost died.

I had been starving myself for the summer months unnoticed by those around me until my Mom decided enough was enough. I was 12 years old, much too young to be losing weight so rapidly.

She drove me to the doctors where they immediately rushed me to the local hospital for further care. Once at there, they quickly determined that my case was too advanced for them to handle, and so I was rushed, yet again to another, larger hospital in the nearest city.

After my arrival, I was ushered into a small room full of nurses. They quickly inserted a long yellow tube through my nose which hooked me up with 24/7 intravenous feeding. I had become so malnourished in just those short three months that all of my crucial body fluids and vitamins were at dangerously low levels.

I was confined to a bed for the night. Hooked up with IVs and chest monitors to keep an eye on my heart to make sure it wasn’t slowing down. Unfortunately, throughout the night my heart rate dropped to a mere thirty beats per minute, almost half of the normal rate.

Unaware of my condition, I slept soundly while doctors and nurses hovered close and as my Mom prayed desperately to God that I would make it through the night. When I awoke the next morning, I was greeted by many faces smiling. I didn’t understand. My Mom grabbed my arm, and explained my situation. She had tears in her eyes as she told me how she had almost lost me.

It was at that moment I was finally able to grasp the severity of what I was doing to my body. I was slowly killing myself from the inside out. If I was to continue with this illness, it wouldn’t be long before I was no longer a part of this life.

I did want to live. I looked forward to my future, so full of my ambitious dreams and desires. I wanted more than ever to grow up, fall in love, and raise a family. How could I throw all of that away on this, an eating disorder that would take that all away from me?

My hospital stay was one I will never forget; as it was there that I was able to take charge of my future, of my life. I made the decision right then and there, that I would refuse to be brought down by the Ed, that I would fight with all I had, and never give up.

It’s been nine years since that day and I have found freedom. I have broken those chains that held me imprisoned. I have healed from anorexia nervosa. Ed no longer runs my life. He no longer has control over my mind. My thoughts are now my own and I choose to live my life happily, without the suffering and pain associated with his lies and false promises.

It hasn’t been easy. It’s been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. There were days I wanted to give up and end my life, but I couldn’t. I needed to live in order to reach my dreams. And my dreams revolved around me being healthy and strong. Pushing forward has always been my motto and every day I fought to have power over this eating disorder.

And now I am free. Like a butterfly fresh from its cocoon, ready to take on the world.

Tayla Anne is a writer, jeweler, and artist who has recovered from anorexia nervosa after nine years of struggle. Her blog, She’ll Be Free, is a nurturing place where she writes about her experiences and how others can gain freedom through self love and acceptance.

Related Reading

• How Does Anorexia Nervosa Start?
• Signs of Eating Disorders in Teens – From Perfectionism to Purging
• Binge Eating Treatment – How to Stop Overeating

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We cope with infertility by traveling every year. Here we are in Peru – I love that country!

On my article about depression when you can’t get pregnant, a reader asked how to connect with other women coping with infertility.

I don’t have an infertility forum, and I didn’t want to start a thread about coping with infertility on my fertility Quips and Tips blog because it’s too pregnancy-related. Readers have complained that the ads about pregnancy make them feel worse about not being able to conceive. Unfortunately, I can’t do anything about that – I have to run ads on my Quips and Tips blogs because that’s what pays my bills!

So, I’m opening up space here on Quips and Tips for Life’s Ups and Downs for readers to share how they’re coping with infertility.

I’ll go first.

How I’m Coping With Infertility

It’s actually a tough time right now, because I’ve been sick with the stomach flu for over 2 weeks. I’m juggling my assignments (I’m getting my MSW at UBC), practicum, and household responsibilities – and all I want to do is sleep. I’m finally feeling better, but it’s been terrible.

The worst part is that my period is a month late. I think it’s because of stress, and when it was due last month, we were just finishing a 2½ week vacation in Peru. I expected my period to be a few days late, but I’ve never skipped one entirely.

So, when I was sick with nausea, diarrhea, lack of appetite, and extreme fatigue the last two weeks…I was kinda hoping I was pregnant! It’s a long shot (like from here to outer space, because my husband has azoospermia), but with God anything is possible. I’ve always hoped He would come through for us, and give us a baby without me having to go through fertility treatments.

But now I think it was just the stomach flu. I still haven’t gotten my period, but I just have a feeling I’m not pregnant after all.

The coping never ends

We’ve been “coping with infertility” for about five years now, and it’s never over. Maybe because we didn’t have a family in another way – adoption, fertility treatments, fostering, baby surrogate mothers.

I’ve learned that everything can be fine for months, then I get sick for two weeks, think I may be pregnant, and then have to cope with infertility all over again. It’s hard. It’s disappointing.

What helps is to focus on the benefits of not having kids (and there are many!), and actually take advantage of those opportunities! For instance – I travel every year, I got to be a freelance writer, I started my Quips and Tips blogs, and I’m in grad school (I love school!). I have a Little Sister from Big Sisters/Little Sisters, and we love our weekly visits. I get to spend lots of time wandering in the forest with my dog Georgie, which I love to do.

So, while coping with infertility sucks in general, there are benefits.

How are you coping with infertility?

Feel free to share how you’re doing in the comments section below. What are the best and worst parts of not having kids? I welcome your stories, tips, and strategies.

Related articles on living with infertility:

• Accepting a Childfree Life – How to be Happy When You Can’t Have Kids
• When Your Friends Are Pregnant and You Can’t Conceive
• How to Live With the Fact That You’ll Never Have Children

Also — if you know of any good blogs or forums for people coping with infertility, please tell us!

The post How Are You Coping With Infertility? Tips, Ideas, Stories appeared first on Quips and Tips for Life's Ups and Downs.

Instead of focusing on getting him back, look outside yourself. Adopt a dog! Take care of a creature who needs and loves you.

Your partner leaves, and you can’t stop yourself from calling him. Worse, you keep begging him to come back to you and start over…and you hate yourself for it.

“I hate to plead but I have, says Girl25 on my article about moving on after your boyfriend leaves you. “I’ve asked for him to recall how we got together, and I called him many times. I also asked him not to do this to us, and give us one last try. But it doesn’t seem to work. He’s silent…I have to ask him to talk things out even if we had done it two or three times before.”

Does this sound familiar? Many heartbroken men and women refuse to let go of their partners, and plead for them to give the relationship a second chance.

But it doesn’t work. Even if you got back together, you’d always know your partner is only with you because you begged him to come back. Do you really want a relationship based on that?

It’s time to stop begging your boyfriend or husband to come back – and here’s why.

3 Reasons to Stop Begging Him to Come Back

These tips are about achieving your life goals, not nurturing your broken heart. If you want to focus on your ex, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love. These tips are about rediscovering who you are as a person, and living life to the fullest.

Take a step back from the relationship

It’s over. He broke up with you, and he doesn’t want you back. If you keep begging him to come back, you keep driving your self-respect into the ground. Soon you will feel like you are nothing – if you don’t already feel that way!

Take a deep breath, and step away from the relationship. Instead of looking at it with longing, see it with objective eyes. There were problems in the relationship – whether you admitted them or not – and your ex isn’t willing to work them out. Stop begging him to be someone he’s not. If you were meant to be with your ex, then you and he would be together.

Start rebuilding yourself as a woman

Who are you? Where do you want your life to take you? Put all thoughts of your ex-boyfriend aside, and start thinking about your future, your career goals, your LIFE.

A man is not your life, and you are not your relationship.

If you want to be a healthy, strong, happy, whole woman, then you need to start focusing on your goals and hopes for your life. Get happy and fulfilled – start rebuilding your life the way you want it! The first step is writing down 50 things you want out of your life.

Do things that create self-respect and self-confidence

When you call, text, email, or beg him in person to come back to you, you are chipping away at your self-respect and self-confidence. You are lowering your self-image, and you are teaching yourself to think that you’re less than dirt.

The only thing that begging accomplishes is to make you feel worse about who you are. Begging him to come back does NOT make you more attractive or appealing to him – it makes you seem desperate and pathetic.

So, get off your knees. Start figuring out how to achieve your goals and create a life you are proud of.

I’m reluctant to add this last sentence to this article, because I so want you to focus on rebuilding yourself into a happy, healthy woman. But I know that sometimes obsession overwhelms reason, so here it is…

For more tips on how to stop begging your boyfriend to come back to you, read Do You Think About Your Ex All the Time? 6 Ways to Stop Obsessing.

What is your next step?

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Psychological disorders affect different people in different ways. (image by normalityrelief via flickr)

The DSM-IV lists more than 200 mental disorders or mental illnesses in psychology, grouped under 16 categories. This summary describes the category of mental illness, and offers examples of different types of mental disorders.

Anxiety Disorders

People diagnosed with anxiety disorders typically struggle with either fear or anxiety as a major symptom. Examples include obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, phobias, and panic disorder.

Mood Disorders

According to the DSM-IV, this type of mental disorder is characterized by either depression or mania, or a combination of both. Examples include bipolar disorder (formerly called manic-depression), major depression, cyclothymia, and dysthymia.

Somataform Disorders

People diagnosed with somatoform disorders usually struggle with physical symptoms that are connected to psychological problems. According to the DSM-IV, conversion disorder and somatization are examples of this type of mental disorder.

Substance-Related Disorders

These mental disorders are caused by misuse or abuse of drugs, alcohol, opiates, cocaine, or amphetamines. Alcoholism or alcohol dependence or amphetamine withdrawal are examples of substance-related disorders.

Dissociative Disorders

According to the DSM-IV, this type of disorder is characterized by a part of one’s experience being separated from one’s conscious memory or identity. Dissociative disorder and psychogenic amnesia are examples of this type of psychology disorder.

Psychotic Disorders

This list of mental disorders is probably what most people think of when they think of psychology and emotional health! Psychotic disorders include schizophrenia and delusional disorder, and are characterized by a loss of contact with reality through hallucinations, delusions, or inappropriate emotions.

Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders

According to the DSM-IV, some mental disorders involve sexual functioning Examples include fetishism, exhibitionism, psychosexual dysfunction, and gender identity disorders (which involve a persistent desire to be, or appear to be, a member of the opposite sex).

Eating Disorders

This list of mental disorders involves an extreme preoccupation with food, and includes bulimia, anorexia nervosa, and binge eating. Eating disorders are characterized by excessive concern with weight gain.

Sleep Disorders

According to the DSM-IV, psychological disorders that disrupt sleep can include sleepwalking, fear of nightmares, insomnia, or sleep-wake disorder. Sleep eating disorder is not a psychology disorder in the DSM-IV, but some psychologists and sleep experts think it should be.

Impulse Control Disorders

People who struggle with impulsive behaviors they can’t control can harm themselves or others. Examples of this psychological disorder include kleptomania, intermittent explosive disorder, and pathological gambling.

Childhood Mental Disorders

Many emotional health issues occur before adulthood. The list of mental disorders that occur in childhood include mental retardation, learning disorders, and language development disorders.

Adjustment Disorder

According to the DSM-IV, an adjustment disorder in psychology occurs when someone exhibits a strong emotional reaction to a stressful event that occurred within the past month. In this mental disorder, people react much more strongly to something than most people do.

Personality Disorders

People struggling with personality disorders usually do so for a long time. This mental disorder includes antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder.

Delirium, Dementia, and Other Cognitive Disorders

According to the DSM-IV, the list of mental disorders related to memory and cognition are caused by identifiable brain damage. Alzheimer’s Disease, intellectual impairment due to stroke or head injury, and delirium as a result of drug overdose are examples of cognitive disorders.

Mental Disorders Due to a General Medical Condition

Some psychological disorders or emotional health issues can be directly traced to a physical, medical cause. For instance, personality changes due to a frontal lobe injury in the brain, a psychotic disorder due to epilepsy, or depression secondary to diabetes are examples of these types of mental disorders.

Factitious Disorders

Sometimes people fake physical or psychological symptoms, so they can become a patient or assume the “sick” role. This emotional health issues can include making up physical complaints, exaggerating genuine medical symptoms, or self-inflicting wounds and then seeking medical treatment.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is a classification system that helps psychologist, psychiatrists, and other mental health practitioners identify psychological problems so they can treat them.

To learn more about this classification manual, read The DSM-IV Psychological Disorders From the APA.

If you’re interested in psychology as a career, read 5 Different Types of Psychologists, Psychotherapists, and Counselors.

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Spending time in nature can help you avoid burning out as a caregiver.

Paid or volunteer caregivers who are depressed, anxious, or exhausted will not be able to take good care of their loved ones. These tips will help you avoid burning out as a caregiver.

As the population ages, more family members are providing caregiver help – and not all can afford to hire a paid caregiver. Taking care of an ill family member or loved one can lead to depression, anxiety, and other emotional health issues.

“It’s estimated that 10 million people are providing care for a loved one with Alzheimer’s Disease in America,” says Ron Kauffman, author of Caring for a Loved One with Alzheimer’s Disease. Being a caregiver – whether that means an occasional visit or providing full-time caregiving help – requires patience and sacrifice.

“Being a caregiver for a spouse or family member is all about providing a safe, loving environment,” says Kauffman. You can’t do that unless you take care of your own needs.

These four tips for emotional health can help stop caregiver depression and decrease caregiver stress. They apply to both paid and volunteer caregivers.

Be Aware of Your Limits as a Caregiver

If you’re taking care of a loved one or family member, you may not be trained as a caregiver. The responsibilities and duties of caregiving can be overwhelming – even for paid caregivers!

If you’re helping an ill loved one, you have to accept the situation and your personality traits and lifestyle for what they are. Part of this acceptance is accepting that you can only do so much to help.

Get Support From Family, Friends, or Paid Caregivers

Establish a family support plan to share the load – don’t plan to take care of your loved one all by yourself. If family members can’t help and you can’t afford to hire a paid caregiver, look for community groups that offer volunteers. If you feel like you’re burning out — whether you’re a paid or volunteer caregiver — join a caregiving support group.

If you’re a paid caregiver who is noticing signs of depression in yourself or a coworker, talk to your supervisor. Find out what you can do to stop caregiver depression before it gets worse.

Take Care of Your Physical and Emotional Health Needs

Are you an introvert who needs a lot of time alone to recharge your batteries? Make sure you give yourself the time and space you need. Caregivers need to guard their personal time, and learn how much time and energy they can give before they start feeling fatigued.

Caregivers need to take care of their physical health by eating properly, exercising, and getting sufficient rest. They need to take care of their emotional health by finding time for their hobbies, socializing with friends, and finding healthy ways to express their feelings (which may included normal bouts of depression, anxiety, and grief).

Caring for an ill loved one takes a great deal of energy; avoiding caregiver burnout involves replenishing energy in different ways.

Pay Attention to Signs of Depression and Anxiety

The more you know about the causes and signs of caregiver depression, the better able you’ll be to take care of yourself. Stay connected to your feelings, including your changes in attitude toward your caregiving duties. Emotions and attitudes can be early warning signs of caregiver depression.

Both paid and volunteer caregivers need to know how to say no without feeling guilty. They have to set and maintain healthy boundaries to protect their emotional health – even when it seems easier to say “yes” to all the requests people make!

For more caregiving tips, read How to Help Elderly Parents Who Don’t Want Help.

Are you caring for a loved one who has Alzheimer’s Disease? Read The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Related Dementias, and Memory Loss.

Source: Email interview with Ron Kauffman, author of Caring for a Loved One with Alzheimer’s Disease.

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If you’re not getting hurt sometimes, you’re not living fully.

These tips are inspired by a reader who was lied to and hurt in two online relationships. Recovering from the pain of betrayal by someone you met online isn’t easy, but it’s possible if you learn how to focus your thoughts.

And, healing is about embracing your mistakes while preparing for the future.

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” – Mark Twain.

Often when we are hurt in relationships – online or otherwise – it’s because we prioritized the person…but we weren’t the person’s priority. We downgraded our goals, plans, needs, and dreams in order to put the other person first.

And that’s how we get hurt. Online relationships are especially tricky because it’s more difficult to read the signs – which makes it easier to fool ourselves.

Tips for Bouncing Back From Broken Relationships

Realize that the search for love brings pain

Whether you’re meeting people online or in yoga class, on singles cruises or on blind dates set up by loved ones…dating and relating almost always involves pain. There is no way to get around the discomfort of dating, especially when you’re looking for a long-term relationship.

I didn’t get married until I was 35 years old, and I dated lots of men. I met some online, some at church, some at work – but most online. None of those relationships worked out, and some brought pain and betrayal. This is normal! The search for love isn’t easy – and it’s not supposed to be easy.

Be proud of yourself for taking a risk on love. You shot the dice, and you lost. You are stronger than you think – and you will recover from the hurt you feel.

Do you feel like you’ll never be able to fall in love again? Read How to Overcome the Pain of a Bad Breakup and Be Happy Again.

Find the balance between mourning and moving on

To recover from a bad online relationship, you need to mourn your loss. Grieve, wail, weep, and express your disappointment and heartache. I’m really proud of the reader who expressed herself in the comments section of Share Your Story because she was real, authentic, and raw. She shared exactly how she felt – and that is incredibly healthy!

Mourning and grieving is good. It’s painful, but good.

But your night of mourning has to end…and you need to wake up to a new day.

Live in the moment

Yes, you got hurt. In Letting Go of Someone You Love, I describe ways to move on after being betrayed and lied to…but those tips are mostly focused on the past and the relationship. I’m beginning to think it’s better and healthier to focus on this present moment, and train yourself to let the past stay in the past.

Right now, I can’t be sad or hurt that my sister cut me out of her life. Right now I am focused on writing this article, aligning my heart and brain and soul, and communicating to you. There is no room for the pain of loss or the feelings of helplessness, is there?

I’m reading books by Byron Katie; the best one for recovering from being hurt in an online relationship is I Need Your Love – Is That True?  How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead.

If you can absorb even a tenth of what Byron Katie teaches, you’ll learn how powerful your thoughts are. And then you’ll learn how to recover from anything life brings you!

Need more break up tips? Read How to Detach From Someone You Care About on my Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships blog.

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Toxic people come in all colors, shapes, and sizes!

Toxic coworkers come in all shapes, sizes, and ages. If you know the type of toxicity you’re dealing with, you’ll be better able to cope with difficult people at work.

Spending time with toxic people, such as bullies or narcissists, can lead to emotional numbness, low energy levels, feelings of low self-worth, and even physical problems such as nausea, headaches, or muscle tension.

Before you can learn how to overcome the effects of toxic people (and cope with their words and behaviors), you need to know how to recognize them as quickly as possible.

Here is a summary of the five most common types of toxic people – people to be avoided if possible…

The Bossy Bully

The Bossy Bully is an adversarial, forceful, angry, argumentative person who is known as a “know it all.” This toxic person orders people around and doesn’t forgive or forget small mistakes. The Bossy Bully has a need to control other people, and often, this person exhibits cruel tendencies.

The Bossy Bully is toxic because he stresses others, makes people fear him, and doesn’t earn or give respect.

Here’s one of my favourite articles about a toxic coworker: When Your Coworkers Complain About What You Wear to Work - it’s my response to a reader who was having problems with a bully at work.

The Gloom and Doom Victim

This type of toxic person is sad, negative, stubborn, paranoid, skeptical, and often depressed. She is a perpetual worrier, and constantly complains about how unfair life is. For instance, she knows she’ll have a terrible time at the party, she won’t get the job she applied for, and her restaurant food will arrive at the table cold.

The Gloom and Doom Victim is toxic because she spreads depression and negativity to everyone she meets. She drains energy and makes people feel burdened and hopeless.

The Meddler

The Meddler is invasive, bold, judgmental, self-righteous, gossipy, nosy, and rude. This toxic person isn’t just difficult – he likes to make life miserable for other people. He doesn’t have an interesting life of his own, so he has to cause trouble in other people’s lives. He envies people with active, exciting, and productive lives.

The Meddler is toxic because he can cause serious financial, professional, and personal problems in other people’s lives.

If you’re an introvert, you’ll find meddlers incredibly toxic to work with. If you’re thinking about finding a new job, read Best Jobs and Careers for Introverts – From Online to On Air.

The Penny Pinching Miser

This type of toxic person is selfish, rigid, cheap, petty, insecure, and neurotic. The The Penny Pinching Miser often misses the big picture, instead focusing on the “nickels and dimes” of life. This person goes beyond having a specific money personality; she’s as cheap with love and affection as she is with money.

The Penny Pinching Miser is toxic because she takes advantage of the people around her – both financially and otherwise. I know this type of toxic person well, because I am one! But I’m working on it.

The Narcissist

“Me, Myself, and I” is the focus of the Narcissist. He is selfish, egomaniacal, shallow, arrogant, indiscreet, and socially inept. The Narcissist loves to look at himself and hear himself talk. He says the words “I”, “me,” and “myself” more than any other words, and often speaks in a monologue (instead of dialogue).

The Narcissist is toxic because he doesn’t give other people the chance to participate in a discussion – or a healthy relationship. The Narcissist is one of the most boring types of difficult people to associate with, because all he cares about is himself.

Toxic people must be avoided as much as possible. The best way to live a happy, fulfilled, productive life is to surround oneself with people with whom one can grow, whom one respects, and whom one admires.

How do you deal with toxic coworkers? Read Toxic People: 10 Ways Of Dealing With People Who Make Your Life Miserable by Lillian Glass. That was the source of these types of toxic people, and it’s a fantastic book!

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If you think you have an eating disorder, start getting help right away. (image by Lucia Whittaker via flickr)

I tend to obsess about what, when, and how much I eat. How do I know if I have an eating disorder?

These signs of anorexia nervosa, bulimia, and body dysmorphic disorder could help you recognize an eating disorder — which can then lead to effective treatment. If you’re not sure about treatments, read 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder.

Eating disorders aren’t about weight loss, diets, or healthy eating — they are serious psychological disorders. Bulimia, anorexia nervosa, and other eating disorders are about feeling sad and unhappy about who you are. The symptoms and treatments of an eating disorder are tied in with mental and emotional health.

Before you can start treatment for eating disorders, you need to recognize the signs of eating disorders.

When you inhale a quart of cookie dough ice cream, a pan of fudge brownies, and four soda pops all in one sitting – then you know you have an eating disorder. When you then rush off to the bathroom to purge by forcing yourself to throw up or using laxatives – then your eating disorder is more serious and even life-threatening! Those are symptoms of a psychological disorder that requires treatment.

Often, bulimia and anorexia aren’t just about dieting and weight loss — they’re about emotional eating. It’s also important to remember everyone is at risk for an eating disorder, even men and boys. I recently wrote an article on moms and eating disorders.

Signs of Eating Disorders

Body dysmorphic disorder, binge eating, bulimia and other eating disorders indicate a sadness about one’s body and life. There are other harmful eating disordered behavior: anorexia or self-starvation, laxative use, compulsive eating, and over-exercising. Some eating disorders are obvious, others less easy to see.

Though society and the media glamorize being thin and beautiful, eating disorders aren’t all about losing weight. Eating disorders are about unexpressed feelings of fear, anxiety, grief, inadequacy or failure. Eating disorders are efforts to take control in a chaotic life – desperate attempts to deal with difficult situations and negative feelings. Eating disorders may start as a way to take control or avoid certain emotions, and then develop into a habit that is incredibly difficult to overcome (but not impossible, so stay the course!). The feelings that can lead to a full-fledged eating disorder are exacerbated, or made worse, by society’s standards of beauty and perfection. This is how body dysmorphic disorder can start.

Recognizing the signs of eating disorders is the first step to effective treatment.

Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia, or Healthy Eating?

There is a huge difference between an eating disorder, which is a psychological disorder requiring diagnosis and treatment, and simply being preoccupied with weight, fitness, and healthy eating. It’s almost impossible to live in North America and not be concerned with weight loss, since we’re as a society obsessed with beauty and perfection. The line between eating disorders and healthy eating can blur – which is why knowing how to recognize the signs of eating disorders is so important.

You may have an eating disorder if you:

• feel fat even if your weight and BMI is normal
• eat to avoid dealing with feelings, people, or situations
• want to be perfect
• feel bad about yourself, unworthy, or insignificant
• are preoccupied with food, calories, and eating
• eat until you’re painfully full, and/or purge by using laxatives or vomiting
• don’t recognize when you’re truly physically hungry for food
• don’t eat at all, or eat less than 1,000 calories a day
• are excessively thin or overweight
• exercise all the time

Saying “yes” to one or two of these signs of eating disorders doesn’t necessarily mean you have an eating disorder, but it could indicate that your body image or self-esteem isn’t healthy.

Treatment Options for Eating Disorders

Effectively treating anorexia or bulimia can involve cognitive behavioral therapy, medications such as antidepressants, or in-patient treatment at a hospital. Different treatments work for different people, which is why it’s so important to talk to a doctor, psychologist, or psychiatrist as soon as possible.

For more tips, read Family Therapy for Teenagers With Anorexia Nervosa.

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