I have to say, it’s not a good sign that he’s secretive about his communications or meetings with his ex-wife — and you’re right to let it bother you! Your instincts are telling you that something isn’t right…and ignoring your instincts is setting yourself up for a fall.

You and your partner need to tie up the loose ends of your previous marriages, and fully commit to one another. My best advice is for you and him to talk to a counselor together, so you can both learn what you should and should not know about his separation agreement. And, you both need to learn what he should keep private to “protect” you (which is really just him protecting himself), and what needs to be openly discussed.

Talk to a counselor. Even if you don’t go to couples counseling, I encourage you to talk to someone on your own, to gain insight and clarity into your relationship.

And, I don’t know if you two had time apart between your prior marriages and your relationship together, but….it can be important to fully detach and heal from one spouse before you move in with another. If he hasn’t moved on from his ex-wife, then he might need time and space to do that before he can focus on building a life with you.

I wish you all the best, and hope you and he talk to a counselor together.

Blessings,
Laurie

It got to the point where I told him and her they could not talk and that I would leave if he ever talked to her again. He was very repentfull and he says that it was just a friendship and that he didn’t understand why his friend had to be a girl – that there wasn’t anything romantic going on. He has really tried to step things up here at home since, but still doesn’t treat me like he was treating her.

I am torn apart. I have trouble believing that he didn’t have romantic feelings for her. I have told him I think he has had an emotional affair, but he assures me that wasn’t what it was. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel dead inside.

Sometimes we don’t know what the right thing to do is until we actually DO it. That is, hindsight is 20/20….which means that we sometimes need to take action in order to learn what will work.

I can’t tell you if a divorce would be better for you and your family, but you have to remember that “staying together for the sake of the kids” can be as (or more) damaging for kids than separation or divorce. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, your daughter probably senses it. She doesn’t know why you’re unhappy, and she may even blame herself (because that’s what kids do).

Sometimes the benefits of divorce and seeking a better, happier life outweigh the negative effects. Yes, divorcing and starting over is stressful, traumatic, and difficult to bounce back from….but the alternative is staying the marriage you’re in right now. Your husband probably won’t change.

I just heard of a woman who divorced her husband, but they’re staying in the same home. They divorced amicably, but want and need to live together for the kids and finances.

I suggest you talk to a divorce mediator or counselor to start learning about the possibilities. This doesn’t mean you’ll ask for a divorce — and I’m not saying you SHOULD get one. But, I think it’s important to start taking tentative steps towards choices. Taking action — even just by making phone calls — is empowering and can help you see options you’re otherwise not aware of.

If you really want to stay with your husband for the sake of your daughter, then I suggest you find ways to live “above” your situation. Create a healthy lifestyle with lots of activities that make you happy. Find ways to live fully outside of your marriage. Build a strong spiritual life — reconnect with God or a higher power, anything that makes you feel strong, whole, and fulfilled.

Of course, another options is couples counseling!

I wish you courage, wisdom, and strength to not only know what the right thing to do is — but actually do it.

Blessings,
Laurie

I’m surprised that your marriage counselor hasn’t encouraged you and your husband to discuss his emotional affair! I’ve read “Why Men Cheat” and “The Truth About Cheating” by marriage counselor Gary Neuman, and I’m positive he suggests that spouses discuss the affair. He doesn’t say that spouses should share every little detail, but he encourages some disclosure. Of course, the amount and type of disclosure depends on the individual marriage…and it does help to have a couples therapist present, for guidance and support.

I suggest that you trust your gut. Don’t lose touch of what you really think and feel, and don’t let fear, insecurity, guilt, or embarrassment make you do things you wouldn’t otherwise do. Deep down, you may know what’s best for you and your marriage. You may know what you should do…but knowing what we should do and actually doing it are two different things!

Have you considered seeing a different marriage counselor? It’s important to “shop around” for the right therapist, just like we should be finding the right massage therapists, family doctors, chiropractors, etc. The first counselor you talk to may not be the best one for you…especially if you’re not comfortable about the way she or he is guiding your therapy.

Another thought is to seek individual counseling. You don’t necessarily need to see a therapist for weeks or months — sometimes all we need is a session or two to help us figure out what we really think and need.

Finally, I completely agree that it’s not appropriate for your husband to have friendships with other women…even if they’re totally innocent. If he can’t understand or respect your wishes, and you can’t convince him of the seriousness of how you feel, then you have to decide if you want to live with him and your marriage as it is right now. You need to decide if you can accept your life the way it is, with your husband the way he is. A different marriage counselor may help him see that he needs to save all his time and emotional energy for you…

I hope this helps a little, and I also hope you let me know how things are going!

Blessings,
Laurie

I’m sorry to hear about your wife’s physical and emotional affair…it’s SO difficult to forgive and move on. Rebuilding trust after a betrayal takes 100% commitment — and once you forgive your wife, you may be able to reconnect with her.

Here’s an article I wrote for my new site (Quips and Tips for Love Relationships):

Ways to Rebuild Trust in Marriage After Infidelity

I hope it helps….

Blessings,
Laurie

Why do I stay? My daughter. He is not a great dad but he is her dad. I wouldn’t mind living under the same roof as him I just get sick to my stomach evertime someone refers to him as my husband or me as his wife. We have not had sex in almost a year and it makes me sick when he touches me or asks for sex. This relationship is not fair to him or me but I am afraid to divorce him since I am not sure we could get through it and remain friends enough to stay living under the same roof. I want him to get a job and I don’t want him to be able to claim me as his wife unless he starts earning that right. He says that I am being unresonable, that he has worked most of his life to support his previous relationships and that its his turn to be taken care of. I feel like his slave. I am very ambitious and have worked very hard for what I have. I feel cheated that what I have is at risk because I am having to deal with someone who wont carry his fair share of the responsibilities of life.

Is it unresonalbe to think that a divorce would help the situation? I don’t want to be in another relationship, I just am sick over being in this one. It goes completely against everything I believe about working hard in life to earn what you have. How can I be tied to someone who does nothing but leach off of me?

I notice that my husband was very distant last summer and knew that something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. I never suspected that he would be unfaithful to me as he knew that my first marriage ended because of infidelity. I have been married to my husband for 8 years and we have been together for 14. We both were married previously and we are raising our three girls together (I had 1 and he had 2).

When I looked at his social network sites I noticed that there was a lot of communication between him and a particular woman. I then reviewed his cell phone records and saw that they were texting and talking many times daily. When I confronted him, he told me that it was all in my head and that he would not “give up” his friend.

On many occassions I tried to explain how he and his “friend” were making me feel. That he should have been calling or texting me during the workday not his “friend”. After catching him in repeated lies (like no I don’t talk to her anymore yet the phone records showed that they continued this relationship), I told him that he had to decide if he wanted our marriage or his friend. He agreed to go to marriage counseling and acknowledged that his friendship with this woman was inappropriate, but still maintains that he never saw her in person and the affair was never physical.

Since that time we have both made great efforts to rebuild our marriage. I have insisted on knowing if this woman contacts him (evern if he doesn’t speak to her or respond to her emails). I need total disclosure.

Our marriage counselor has never insisted on discussing his inappropriate relationship and indicates that if someone lies about something it is because they care enough to lie. This just doesn’t work for me. She thinks that I should be greatful that we are in counseling and working on our relationship, but I still need more information to be able to put his behind me.

About two months ago, I once again notice a lot of banter and commenting between my husband and a different woman on the internet. I told him that this relationship was giving me the same uneasy feeling that I had when he was corresponding and speaking to the first woman. He assured me that nothing was going on and that he completely understood how I felt. Unfortunately, he still keeps in contact with her and this is just not acceptable to me.

I know that I cannot make my husband do anything, but I expect him to understand that I have put through the ringer all so he could make himself feel good forming “frienships” online.

I feel like the ball is in my court and I must take some action, but I am not certain what I should do. I am not sure that I can live with my husband making me uncomfortable and having friendships even if “this one” is completely appropriate (as he says). I am being made to feel like this is my issue, not his.

I would appreciate any candid comments and/or advise as I am at a loss as to what I should do. I feel like we have the same discussion every so often and that nothing has really changed.