Can I Trust My Cheating Husband? How to Survive an Affair
Yes, you can trust a cheating husband and survive an affair. Rebuilding your marriage after an emotional or physical affair won’t be the easiest thing you’ll do, but it is possible! Here are tips for surviving an emotional affair, plus links to resources about repairing broken marriages (such as M. Gary Neuman’s The Truth About Cheating).
First, here’s a bit of relationship advice from a marriage counselor:
“It’s best to come clean as early as possible,” says author and marriage counselor Gary Neuman. “Be honest with your partner when you’re just beginning to become interested in someone else.”
For more advice on recognizing and surviving emotional cheating, read The Emotional Affair: How to Recognize Emotional Infidelity and What to Do About It
And, here are several tips for trusting a husband who cheated…
Can I Trust a Cheating Husband? How to Survive an Affair
Keep your expectations for your marriage realistic. You won’t be able to completely forget about your spouse’s affair, but you can stop nourishing your mistrust, hurt, and suspicious thoughts. That means accepting your partner at his (or her) word – if he says he’s left the past behind and is focused on building a strong marriage with you. To survive an emotional affair, you need to nourish healthy growth, trust, and faith in the future. (Easier said than done, I know).
Figure out your ideal healthy relationship. How do you want to be treated by your partner? What makes you feel loved and respected? To reconnect with a cheating spouse, envision your ideal healthy relationship, and make a list of the small steps that create that relationship. Share this list with your partner – and don’t be afraid of ultimatums or being left alone. Being single is a far better option than being in a relationship that causes you pain, anxiety, frustration, and confusion. Read books such as Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing
Understand and respect each other’s perspective. What does your partner need from you and your relationship? What do you need? To reconnect and survive an affair, be honest with each other. Don’t try to change your partner; instead, try and understand him.
Consider couples counseling or online marriage counseling. Individual or couples counseling will help you figure out the difference between your own insecurities and your partner’s emotional infidelity. Most of the time, emotional cheating or fights between couples aren’t about one specific problem – they’re about issues that already destroying the relationship. To reconnect with your spouse, you need to deal with those issues. And couples often need help dealing with issues in healthy ways (which is where marriage counseling comes in!).
Focus on the present and future – not the past. Focus on becoming more connected emotionally, spending time together, remembering what brought you together in the first place, and building a strong happy relationship. To survive an emotional affair, refuse to stay stuck in the past.
Focus on rebuilding your love, trust, and connection. You need to put the emotional affair behind you, because if you let your jealousy and insecurity affect your relationship, you’ll drive a wedge between you. Marriages are plagued with “a thousand tiny betrayals” – and to prevent those hurts from destroying your relationship, you need to forgive and let it go. Try to focus on reconnecting with your spouse (not rehashing the affair). Instead of staying stuck in the past, concentrate on your goal of rebuilding your marriage. A book like the The Magic of Making Up can be very helpful — and it can give you hope for the future.
Marriage coach Mort Fertel says cheating husbands may be less likely to cheat again. After an emotional affair, you may be able to trust him more than a man in a new relationship.
For a full explanation, read Should I Leave My Cheating Husband? The Best Reason to Stay Married.
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Love & Relationships, Marriage Tips, Mind & Soul, Psychology Tips, Relationship Tips
I was in an emotional affair with a guy I knew in high school and reconnected with on Facebook, until my husband found out by going through my cellphone. My story is different cause I know I messed up, I can’t take it back, but I want out of my marriage. Not because I want the other guy. I love my husband but not like I should, never really have and I’ve felt trapped cause I didn’t want to hurt him. I married him for security really. Bad idea. I also want out because when my husband tells me all these negatives things about me over the past 12 years I wonder why he wants me anyway. I just don’t understand it. This is his chance to find the one for him. I’m also struggling cause I constantly think about the other guy, I constantly check my email hoping he sent me a message. I’m not in love with him but miss the communication. Just don’t know what to do. Married for 6 years, 3 kids. Talking only leads to arguing, so tense here right now.
Dear Raquel,
I feel deeply for you. I know how you are feeling. My prayers are with you. It’s going to hurt alot for a long time, and it will be confusing. You will have some dark times. I know I still have many more dark times to get through. Praise God that you were able to release yourself from this entanglement. That is the first and most important step you can take. Never go back. If you are willing to move forward and make right choices from now on, healing will come.
It helps to write, I know. Keep doing that for as long as you need to. Connect with a safe and private support system. Guard against saying too much to too many people right off the bat. You will probably feel very alone in your pain. Think about your husband and what he may be feeling. I can be pretty sure that this is killing him emotionally, if he knows about it. Pray always.
Jane
Dear Jane,
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
For i was an a very similar situation for 3 months.
Im so ashamed of myself and upset for aloowing myself to get there. As of now im barely going on 3days of not talking to the man who i had an emotional affair.
Its hard for me , but i know that God will help me overcome this feeling.
Raquel
Dear Wendy and Jane
You don’t know how excited I was to see both of you respond so quickly and enthusiastically to North Star Sisters. Your posts have truly made my day. I don’t want to overload this website with my information, so if you want to e-mail me directly I can tell you all about NSS.
Jane
I will take a moment and quickly answer your questions from above.
The only thing that you will find if you Google NSS is a women’s fiddle band (which is not us). I doubt you will be able to find anything online about it (which will make more sense after I tell you about it).
I’m almost 20 months out from the end of my affair. So, I think I know how things might be going for you now (and it can be very hard and scary for the first few months). I’ll tell you all about my journey later.
I think most of your questions will be answered after I give you some information about it. Trust me, I had a lot when I first connected to NSS. So, plesae e-mail me at my name here plus the typical Yahoo e-mail end. I’m not sure how restrictive this site is so I’ll try to spell it out – SandySD38 at Yahoo dot com (I hope that is clear enough). When you do e-mail please use an email that is fairly anonymous to protect your privacy. I’m going to check my e-mail later tonight in the hope that you see this and respond.
Our GAs are working hard to help us. I can’t wait to hear from you.
SandySD38
PS – If anyone else is interested, you are welcomed to reply too. Understand that this is only for women that are the cheaters who are committed to saving their marriage and families. I would ask that you respect this condition. Thank you.
My prayers are with everyone here.
Sandy
I don’t have a lot of time to post now, but I really wanted to reply to yours now. I agree completely with Jane when I say “God Bless You”. I know that Jesus has had a hand in this. I am also Catholic and was over joyed to see that you (and Jane) are also Catholic. Its nice to know that I’m women like myself are in my same situation.
I’m very interested in connecting with a North Star Sister and finding out what its all about and how it can help me. I can’t wait to see your next post.
Thank you for your message of hope.
Wendy
PS – Jane – The thank you notes are wonderful and are having a positive effect on my situation. I would like to say more about what’s happened recently, but I only have a few minutes. My prayers are with you.
Wendy, I’m so glad you liked the idea of the thank you notes. My husband just returned from a two-week business trip, and one of the first things he said to me was “thank you for the all the thank you notes”. I hope it has a good impact on your relationship, too.
Sandy, God Bless You. I agree with you that there is a reason for the connections being made on this site. I am also Catholic, and I have started saying more about faith and trust in Jesus in my writing here. I didn’t know if it would offend anyone, but it’s too important to leave out of my situation, and we are called to be witnesses, no matter the cost. I am very grateful that you have come forth to magnify aspects of my own personal faith in such a similar way that I am also feeling.
Your comments about your GA are stunning to me. I have always known that each person has one, but for most of my life, I have not had a prominent awareness of my GA’s constant committment to keeping me in God’s light. It was literally a few weeks ago that I began to involve mine in my daily life. I know that many things have changed for the better, knowing that my GA can help me with whatever challenges I ask for assistance for. I also believe that our angels work together with other people’s angels. Case in point, you and your words here.
I am very much wanting to get connected with a North Star Sister. If I just look it up on the internet will I find it? Do they try to match you up according to your situation? I will wait for your response about it, in case you have further advice before I dive in to this. Thank you so much.
Sandy, how far out are you from your emotional affair? What prompted you to come to this site at this point? I know I’m far from where I need to be. I continue to have confusing thoughts about my co-cheater, although I am certain that I will not be going back to him, nor will I ever turn to anyone else for my emotional needs. There are still so many things that need to change and improve between me and my husband, and the layers of damage are so thick. I know I can’t mend it all on my own. I have moments of strength and confidence, but then I will fall apart a little and lose some hope. I can get really hard on myself and have that futile wish that this had never happened. Useless, I know.
I am excited to see your next entry here. Thank you so much.
Jane
I am making this post to Hank, Wendy, and Jane. Before I get into this post, I’d like to say that I am the cheater in my marriage. Fortunately for me, my marriage did not end but was saved.
Dear Hank
I want you to know that your post touched me very deeply and I cried many tears as I read your words. I was deeply saddened to hear that your family has split despite your efforts. I pray that you and you children find the healing and love you will need to recover. I hope you can find a group at your church that can help you. Being Catholic, I know that our church as some resources and a group that is available for people in your situation.
I really saddened my heart to hear that your wife wasn’t able to understand your situation and work to rebuild a life with you and your family. I know that three things that saved my marriage. The first is my husband. His love and forgiveness held our family together despite my sinful acts. He is my hero and true love.
The second is Jesus and my Catholic faith. I know he heard my prayers and preserved my husband and me through the darkest period of our marriage. His love is felt in our home every day and I praise God for answering my prayers.
The third and last is my North Star Sister (NSS for short). I know that my NSS was an answer to my prayers. It was so helpful to be able to correspond with another Christian woman who had been in my exact position and had successfully mended her marriage and developed a new and deep love with her husband. I still can’t believe my luck of finding her. She was so kind and knew exactly how I was feeling. Her wisdom and help gave me the “tools” I needed to truly help me be the wife and mother that my husband and family deserved.
Dear Wendy and Jane
I had to read your posts a few times to overcome the surprise of the many similarities between our situations. You could practically change your names for mine and a few of the names/places/small details and you would have me. I too engaged in an emotional affair with a man that I interacted with professionally. My husband found me out and confronted me before I had fallen even further into my sin. The words you use to describe how you felt before, during, and after you were found out by your husbands ring so true with me.
I know that the end of the affair is still very fresh in your life now and that you probably have a storm of emotions still whirling around in your heart and head. I know I did. I too was anxious about how I would be at work with my co-cheater. I was so ashamed of how I could have done this (since I thought I was the kind of woman that would never even come close to doing something like this). I was in despair for the great pain that it caused my husband. I also felt tremendous fear that my life and family may not survive what I had done and I would be alone with the rubble of my life. I want both of you (and I’m focusing on you two since I can identify so much with you) to know that there is hope for healing and the chance for a marriage that can be even better than before the affair. It may not seem possible now (and boy do I sure know how that feels), but me and my NSS before me are proof that it can happen if you can believe in yourself and trust God’s love.
I deeply feel that my guardian angel definitely guided me and with the instrument of God’s love. I know that my GA helped me maintain my faith and led me to my NSS. I can’t describe how much help she was in getting me on the right path. The fact that she was another Christian woman that had done the same things that I had and was able to bring joy to a marriage that was deeply in sorrow and despair made me feel the confidence that I could to it too. I would love to give you some information about NSS and see if you would be interested in it. It’s very informal and private (it’s not a website or anything that you have to sign up for or require a commitment – I was a bit uncertain at first too). Please let me know in a post if you would be interested. I think both of you could find something that would benefit you. I know that my NSS was a gift from God and I hope it could help you too. Our lives seem to be so similar and I feel that God has had a hand in this chance interaction.
North Star Sisters – A light of hope to help guide you out of your darkness and into the Light.
My prayers are with you and I hope to hear from you.
SandySD38
Hank
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us (especially to Jane and I). You have given me a lot of insight on how my husband must feel about what I have done. I think I can really feel and understand what my husband has been trying to tell me. I fell into that same mode of trying to “fix” myself before I dealt with his damage…but I think it was more me avoiding his situation because I didn’t want to own up to how awful I have been.
You really made me see how my husband has been a much greater man than my co-cheater. He was before, but I think I had blinded myself to his love since it wasn’t in the form that I wanted. How could I have been so selfish and heartless. I think I am going to spend a lot of time focusing on him in a much more positive way.
Jane, thank you so much for the great idea of the “thank you” notes. I sat down tonight and wrote a month’s worth. I am going to begin giving them to my husband tomorrow morning before he goes to work. I am very excited about this and hope it helps him. I know that it is helping me see how much he means to me.
I have said a few prayers for Hank since I read his post. Prayers of thanks for his gift of sharing his pain and explaining how his wife’s adultery haas made him feel. I am going to talk to my husband tomorrow night and hopefully I can show him that I am beginning to understand and empathize with his terrible pain (that I caused). I have also asked Jesus to hold you in his love and help you heal.
I’ll let you know how things turn go tomorrow. I’m praying that it helps put us on the path of healing.
Wendy
One lesson I have learn it was easy for my husband to blame me for everything wrong in our relationship than to admit that he step out of the marriage. As his mistress told me she made his life perfect but in the long run when I find out she new that when I gave him the choice between us he would stay in the marriage. Yes it was his choice I have children and my concern was there happiness. I told him we will always have our children and they need to know we can work together no matter what situation. It has been a couple of years and in a strange way that bump in pur marriage strenght us. We are happier as a family and talk all the time. Secrets kill any relationship because even a small one ends up being a gaint one. Good luck but remember you are the only one who can make you happy. Happiness is within and then joy come from everything around you include relationships.
I have been seeing a counselor since last November when I had a hard time coping with this friendship. She enlightened me as to what was really going on and that I wasn’t crazy.
We went to couples counseling a couple times, but my husband doesn’t believe in counselors and refuses to go.
So I see my counselor twice a month and try to cope the best I can. Some days are better than others.
Thank you for your suggestions as I have already tried these routes.
My counselor has helped tremendously and I know our couples counselor could have helped had my husband kept up with it. I think my husband fears hearing that he may not be as perfect as he thinks he is.
Thanks for your support.
Dear Hank,
I have tremendous gratitude for you sharing your story.
You sound EXACTLY like my husband. Every single thing you have said mirrors the kind of things he has said to me. I am heartbroken that your marriage ended, and it punctuates how scared I am for mine. I want you to know that my shame will always haunt me. It will never go away. I know how close I came to the brink of complete moral disaster. I wonder if your former wife has a sense of that. It sounds like she may have been more deeply entangled than I was. Maybe it’s harder for her to come out of the drug-like haze of it all.
At the time, I thought my co-cheater was a little bit of a dream come true. So much in common, such similar ways of thinking, working, expressing. Far more of the little things were shared than I shared with my husband. But, I do not believe he is a better man than my husband. First and foremost, he is a person who defied the bonds of two marriages, and could have potentially caused the break-up of two families. Extremely poor judgement and very self-centered. Two important qualities that my husband definitely has over him. Way over him. My husband has a long list of wonderful qualities. Some of those qualities have been hard for me to appreciate, and I saw them as negative and oppressive. I thought we were very incompatible because of our differences. However, I have been learning so much about how our differences are complementary, and we are beginning to combine our efforts for a more harmonious household.
He also has said, just like you did about your former wife, that I am a different person to him now. He has used the word “death” just as you have. The thing is, I was always the person I am. He just didn’t see me. I haven’t felt open to sharing some parts of myself with my husband for quite some time, because when I’ve tried it in the past, he would respond in ways that made me feel put down, silly, and insignificant. He may not have meant for me to feel that way, but over time, I became very closed to showing my vulnerable side to him. He says he loves the person I have become, with all my newfound confidence and accomplishments, but he is justifiably so mortified that I would share some of myself with someone else. I am also mortified at myself. It is so painfully embarrassing and despicable of me to have opened myself to someone outside of my private world. I was an utter fool, and I own it.
I know what you are talking about with being suspicious of your former wife spending time on the computer. My husband was suspicious of the time I have spent on this forum, but I think he understands what I’m doing with it now. Also, I opened a youtube account the other day without even thinking about it, just because I wanted to leave a comment on a video. As soon as he noticed it, his heart skipped a beat again, wondering why I would be doing that without telling him. Truthfully, I didn’t even think a thing about it, because it’s just for youtube, which didn’t have anything to do with the other person or anyone else. But, he VERY kindly (I am so lucky he is being this way) requested that I always let him know what I’m doing on the computer, no matter how benign it seems to me. He has asked me to be transparent about all of my actions from now on. The thing is, I was ALWAYS transparent before this happened. He had access to EVERYTHING. Bank accounts, emails, cell phones, everything. He is actually the one I was suspicious of not too long ago. He has a private email that I have never even had any interest in logging onto. He also has a separate account for purchasing items online, but he doesn’t give me access to it. I never questioned it before, but what am I supposed to think now? As I was getting smarter about how to open and manage my own private accounts through this experience, I admit I was feeling justified in having my own things for my own purposes, since he had his. I also had a twisted belief forming in my mind that he MUST be up to no good, knowing that I was never going to be smart enough to figure it out. Really, trust here goes both ways. How in the world do I know that he hasn’t already “cleaned up” and covered up something that he has been up to? I don’t really believe it, but in my dark moments, that thought comes up sometimes. Prior to my moral error, he had threatened me several times over the hard years we have had that he has been very close to finding someone else or some other way to satisfy his needs. I think it was very cruel of him to say that to me, and it hurt just as badly as if he had actually done it. He is a man of his word, so I believed he would actually follow through with it one of these days. It all played into my sense of hopelessness, and when everything finally came to the point it did this past spring, I was primed for falling into something, even though I knew it was wrong. What a mess.
Hank, my prayers are with you and all the people affected by this in your life. This is just awful, and trust me, it’s very hard for me to face my days most of the time. I think about the positive things I do in my life, which are things I have always done. It just doesn’t match up sometimes, now that the dark side of me (which everyone has) has been exposed. Sometimes I don’t even recognize or believe in the person I see in pictures. I can sometimes “watch” myself from a distance and wonder what in the world I am about. But, I hear what you are saying. This healing of mine needs to be less important than the healing for my husband. That is why I have made such an effort to do all the things I am trying to show him that I am his, forever. I have a close friend who is in her late 60s now. She was in a full blown physical affair for 10 years. Now, six years after she ended it, and after going through the darkest times a person can imagine, they are doing wonderfully. She has assured me that time is going to be a big player in healing these wounds and cultivating a loving marriage that will last until the ends of our lives. Still, I think it is important for me to contemplate the reality of your experience, and I thank you for sharing, in such painful detail, what you have gone through.
Jane.
Hi Idiopathic,
Sorry to burst your bubble. My husband was previously married to a woman like your wife. She gave him the time of his life with constant affairs, flirting, mystery and intrigue. Divorced him for a neighbour directly across the road, 6 months later moved in with someone else, 6 months later phoned, begged to come back saying she made a mistake.
He remarried her for the sake of the child and she contious her secret life evenutally leaving him for a best friend. This happened many years ago. She had already been married, diovrced gave up full custody of her first child /first marriage and although she had visitation and vacation rights and reasonable access to see the first child – she never did!
She then had 5 marriages, an illegitmate child (3rd son) and always tried each one to see if she still had what it takes to have them take her back. She was out to destroy these men who she previously had relationships with and them being in a new relationship/marriage/children did not put her off.
I only hope your wife is not like this one as you can see a leopard does not change its spots. The men were foolish, did not give her the third degree, wanting details make her accountable as to what went wrong in their relationship for her to act and continue what she did. They took her back, no questions asked and so she continued. For peace of mind as a woman giving you advice – plse go to a therapist without taking her back before all issues and truth is out. If she is willing and does go, then maybe you will
stand a chance. If not she will move on to the next guy faster than lightning.
Plse be wise as my husband today does not believe, looking back on how his ex-wife operated that their son is biologically his – would need a dna Test. Tell her another condition of getting back together is a DNA TEST OF CHILD.
Good luck.
Sharri
A true friend is someone you can trust. The trust has been broken and I would tread very wearily.
I learnt a long time ago to keep close girlfriends away from my husband. Too much trust and you end up getting burnt. I hope it all works out for you but sometimes people have to learn a lesson and know that actions have consequences. If not they will do it again thinking you are a walkover.
Sharri
Dear Readers
I found this website after searching for some answers to help heal me emotionally and spiritually after the recent events in my life. After reading through many of the posts here, I was moved to share my story in the hope that it might provide some help and insight to some of you here (especially to those of you who are seeking it).
As I have read it described in prior posts and other websites, I am a “hurt spouse” (or “betrayed spouse”, “victim spouse”, etc.). My former marriage of nine years ended in divorce and annulment a few months ago. Yes, my story does not have a happy ending, but I hope it helps you see why it failed. Long story short – my wife had a short but intense “emotional affair” with a co-worker who worked in a sister office across town (at least she said it hadn’t been physical…yet). I found out about it after noticing that she had been acting a bit different and spent more time than usual on the computer. I looked into her e-mail account and found a few romantic e-mails that she had failed to delete from her e-mail “trash”. When I confronted her about it she initially tried to minimize the depth of the affair. The more I questioned her over time, the more details came out. I demanded that she stop the affair immediately and significantly restrict all contact with him at work. I also told her that I was willing to work and save the marriage for the sake of us and our two children. She agreed to end the affair and work on our marriage too.
So, you might ask…”How did our marriage fail after this?” The end of our marriage took about six months and was the worst time of my life. I have summarized the main reasons for its failure in the points below:
1) It has been like dealing with two deaths. The first “death” would be of my wife after discovering the affair. I know this may sound silly or weird to those who have cheated (and probably to me before this happened), but it’s very true. You see, it’s like the woman that I married no longer exists. I loved a woman that I had believed was “true” to me and could be trusted in the company of others in my absence. To me this level of trust is very difficult, but I gave it to my wife as a gift of love that I felt was beautiful and beyond measure. When I found out that she told this man that he was now the love of her life and the best man she had ever met, I felt like the woman that I thought was my wife was completely gone. The change in how I felt about her was so significant that I really couldn’t see her as the same woman anymore. I tried to explain this to her, but she didn’t seem to have the empathy or objectively to see it from my point of view.
2) The death of my marriage came about six months after the affair. I had always believed and felt that I would have a strong marriage that would last my life and bring me a spouse I could share my joy and love with. I had always seen my marriage as a kind of “house” that we were building. I will freely admit that our marriage had its trouble, but I always felt that the “house” had a foundation that was strong enough to survive our problems and allow us to rebuild. We seemed to be the perfect family – two young kids, active in the church, middle income neighborhood, etc. The intimacy and joy had been lacking for a few years but I continued to try and work to improve the situation. Apparently there was something that I couldn’t or wasn’t doing that allowed her to fall in love with the other man. I mourn both of these deaths and the happy life that my family could have had. I have custody of my children and am trying my hardest to provide a loving and safe home for them. It’s hard but I know I have to put them first now.
3) The trust I had in my wife was never rebuilt after the affair. The failure to rebuild this trust was primarily caused by my wife minimizing the affair and her omission of the details and facts of what happened. It took me many weeks of asking to get the most of the story from her. She didn’t realize that I already knew some of the facts from her e-mails. She always described what he did in detail but not what she had said, did, or felt about him. Her lying (by omission) about the facts pretty much killed any hope for me rebuilding trust in her. I also found her online from time to time during things in e-mail accounts that I didn’t know about. These things were benign but always made things hard because they had the impression of be deceptive.
4) What hurt me emotionally the most was my wife’s failure to recognize my pain and the sacrifices I had made to save our marriage and family. For the first several weeks after the affair my wife seemed to focus on her own shame and embarrassment and spent her time online seeking help for overcoming her problems. When I asked her about how she felt about the affair, she never said (or said it as a final thought) how sad she felt about all the pain that she had caused me. My pain didn’t seem to matter to her. This caused me to feel even more devalued than I felt after discovering the affair…and it continues to plague me to this day (even in my dreams). It also hurt deeply that she barely recognized my sacrifices to save our marriage, family, and her reputation. Many times just after the affair I felt like kicking her out and exposing her to our friends and family (telling them and e-mailing them her affair e-mails). I chose to deny my ego and injure my self respect by letting her stay and try working it out. It was a huge effort to suppress my pain and put our marriage and children. As a man, my ego and self respect have been damaged significantly and I have nothing to show for it. I felt helpless to protect my children from the damage she had caused by the affair. This gift of love to my wife, even after her adultery, appeared to be less than trivial and of no value to her.
5) When I did try to discuss the affair or how she made me feel, my wife would get defensive with me. Every time she got defensive, it felt like she didn’t really seem to be remorseful of the affair or think that the affair was wrong. I also knew that she was very upset and disappointed that the affair ended. In my heart, her defensiveness was nearly as emotionally painful as the affair. It was like she was taking advantage of my kindness and love and making me out to be the one that had done the “wrong” thing. If I explained this to her, she would either dismiss it or get more defensive. Her defensiveness crippled my hope that she was genuinely and sincerely remorseful of what she had done and that she wanted to repair our marriage and the damage she had done.
I would like to end this post (sorry for how long it is) by asking those of you that freshly out of your affair (especially Wendy and Jane….your situations seem very similar to the one I went through) to read my post with an open heart. Please realize that the “hurt” spouse is truly that…hurt and suffering from a huge pain and injustice (yes, injustice…since nothing truly warrants the affair) that was dumped on them without warning. Having lived with a marriage that was suffering, I hope you realize that to the “hurt” spouse, the pain of the affair is like a mountain compared to the anthill of the problems and pain suffered before the affair. Your affair has probably devastated your spouse (even if they don’t show it) probably much more than you could know. If you cannot by truly empathic and put yourself in their “shoes”, then your road to recovery will be very difficult. If they have chosen to let you stay and work on the marriage, please realize that they are dealing with an incredible amount of pain. This pain is due to the effort of trying to trust and love you again despite knowing what was done, said, and thought in the affair, the internal humiliation of having to deny their self respect, ego, and justified anger for the sake of your marriage, reputation, and children, and the pain of feeling alone, rejected, and unwanted (knowing your spouse was in love and wanted someone else much more than you is crushing). Please be entirely open and honest about all aspects of the affair and provide them with complete details of what happened so they won’t wonder if you are telling the whole truth. This may be hard, embarrassing, and painful for them, but in the end it will be critical to rebuilding their trust (which should be very important to you). I know that my wife omitted facts and downplayed details (some of which I knew) and it made it extremely hard to rebuild the trust. If you have to write it all down because it would be too hard to tell, then do it. Act as though your spouse already knows everything (they probably know more than you think) and show them the honestly and truth they deserve.
I will pray that all of you (especially Wendy and Jane) take my story and words to heart and that they provide you with the right knowledge that you need to understand your spouse’s situation and succeed in repairing your marriage and life. Wendy and Jane, your husbands sound much like me and if they are, please realize that they may be having a much harder time recovering from this than you may realize. They will probably need much more time than you to recover. The affair may haunt them for years or even the rest of their lives. So please recognize what they have done for you and your family and given them what they need to recover. When you look into the happy faces of your children, remember that your spouse is paying a terrible emotionally price (one that they did not cause but that they willingly chose) to protect your children (and possibly the spouse and childrenof the “other” person) and your reputation (assuming that they have kept it a secret). It has been hard for me, but I have asked God to offer up my pain to those that are in my situation and help them to succeed where I failed.
PS – Sorry if I became a bit repetitive. I sincerely hope that this helps you. God bless and may the love of Jesus heal the wounds of our hearts and souls.
This is for Beth: Being on the side of the “cheater”, I can say that I have dedicated myself to NEVER falling into an emotional entanglement outside of marriage EVER AGAIN, and I have made numerous efforts to start rebuilding my marriage and my husband’s trust in me. It has not been easy, and there have been a few times when I’ve missed the awesome way I felt when I was corresponding with my other person. However, I completely understand the enormous price I would pay for making that mistake again.
The thing that keeps me on the right path more than anything else is reading the Bible and contemplating the sacrifice our Lord made for us. He gave up everything to save us, and we humans continue to take it for granted and live in the selfish ways that make us “happy” for the moment. Our can hearts fool us into a sense of false happiness when we are deprived and unsatisfied, and when someone comes along and pushes the right buttons to set us off into a euphoric state, we go there very easily and very unwisely. My previous “co-cheater” is very into doing things that will make him happy, because, as he likes to remind himself, “life is short”. Yeah, earthly life is short, but eternal life is forever, and we need to plan ahead.
Do either of you believe in God? No matter what anyone thinks, God exists and Jesus died for us. It is paramount that we do our best to make our lives pleasing to God and begin loving one another as He has loved us. He didn’t cheat on us in any way, shape or form. He gave of Himself completely, and that’s what we should be doing for our God-given spouses, no matter how dead we might think our marriages are. Of course, if there are horrible and dangerous things going on, that’s different. But, for the marriages that are struggling emotionally, there is always hope, I believe. Even if you aren’t a person who regularly prays, all you need to do is start simply, asking for His help. What you need will come. We are always going to face hardships, and through those hardships, blessings can bloom, as hard as that is to believe when we are in the midst of such pain and confusion.
Really, I had lost alot of hope this past Spring. I truly thought that the day I took my ring off, the end was just around the corner. But, it’s just like Laurie says: sometimes this can be the best thing that could happen to a hurting marriage. My marriage has taken a turn for the better, but my husband’s healing is slow and painful. He will have scars forever. So, Beth, I can imagine how excrutiating it must be to have it happen over and over again. If your husband could finally come to his senses about the repercussions of his completely and utterly self-centered behavior, he may be able to make some changes. He needs to start worrying about his soul, NOW.
Thank you so much for your response, Laurie. It helps to hear some kind words. I do feel good about reaching out to both of them because I know it is a positive thing to do. That’s not to say I didn’t tell both of them how disgusted and hurt I was – I definitely made my position known. I just followed up with kindness quickly afterwards. I just feel so bitter about my neighbor – she has yet to approach me unsolicited and this is going on a week now. So very sad. Best wishes to everyone.
Beth,
I’m sorry that you’ve been in this unhappy marriage for so long!
I can’t answer your question about whether you’ll ever find happiness with this man – it depends on you and him, on how you choose to move forward together. Neither one of you can build a happy marriage alone.
Would you and he be willing to see a marriage counselor? I’d think that would be the best way to tackle your problems. You need an objective third party to help you sort out who’s being unreasonable, why you and he are acting in certain ways, and what the underlying factors are.
If he’s not willing to try counseling, I suggest you see someone on your own. You need to figure out what you want out of your marriage. If your husband can’t give it to you — and if you are truly tired of living this way — then you need to think about a future that might not involve him.
Regarding your comment about finding someone for emotional support; your best bet would be to talk to a counselor who’s only motivation is to help you! Finding a way to have your own emotional affair would just compound the problem, not help to solve it.
What are your thoughts on talking to a counselor?
All best,
Laurie
Feelingblue,
I’m sorry for your situation — it’s a doozy! Overcoming emotional flirting and infidelity is especially challenging when it’s right next door…and it’s a good friend.
I don’t think you’re a fool for forgiving him OR her! Sincere forgiveness will help clear your own heart and mind of anger and bitterness. The person who benefits most from forgiveness is the person who actually does the forgiving.
“Nothing brings families together faster than forgiveness,” says Dr Joyce Brothers. “That should make it Step No. 1, but most of us find forgiving hard. We associate it with weakness and losing when, actually, the reverse is true. When you forgive, you gain strength and come out a winner. You break free of control by the other person’s actions.”
It was big-hearted and gracious of you to reach out to your friend. I hope you and she get the chance to talk. Your husband’s interaction with her will change your friendship, I would think. She might not be as good a friend as you once thought, and your relationship with her might shift slightly. What this actually looks like depends on you, her, your husband, her partner (if she has one).
To survive this emotional affair, I suggest getting to the root of your marriage problems. You mentioned that you and he were going through a rough period…and it might be good to get to the root of your marital problems. That’s underlying your husband’s actions, I would think. If you and he were “all good”, then he’d be far less likely to flirt with your neighbor and friend.
This flirtation might be on of the best things that could happen to your marriage! It’ll give you the impetuous you need to build a strong, healthier marriage — and create stronger bonds.
Good luck, and come back to let us know how you’re doing,
Laurie
Idiopathic,
I’m sorry about your wife and this turn your marriage has taken. Physical and emotional affairs are hard to survive — but not impossible!
You’d mentioned forgiving her fast, and I think that’s not possible. Rebuilding trust after infidelity takes months or even years for some people. Actually, I take it back that it’s “not possible” to forgive her quickly….it depends on your personality, the infidelity, her remorse, and both of your commitment to rebuilding your marriage and raising your son in a two-parent home.
I suggest you read up on surviving emotional affairs; I put links to helpful books in my article above. Other peoples’ stories about moving on and surviving infidelity can be extremely helpful!
And, I suggest you consider couples counseling. I don’t know where you and your wife are at in terms of moving on and rebuidling your marriage, but it can be so helpful to have an objective third party (a therapist or counselor) sit down, help you see why she cheated, and give you guidelines for moving on that speak to your situation and personality.
I also suggest that you figure out what would help you to trust your wife again. What do you need from her, to help you feel more secure in your marriage? Talk about that. This is where it can get a little complicated — and why a marriage counselor is so helpful. If you’re feeling really insecure, you might want to check her emails and text messages all the time…and that’s not really a sign of a healthy marriage! But, it may be necessary for a little while, until you begin to trust her again.
I don’t know — which is why I recommend a counselor. He or she can help you recognize unreasonable requests and help you rebuild your trust and commitment.
Finally: talk with your wife about why she cheated. What is she missing in the marriage, that drove her to another man? This does NOT mean that it’s your fault — it’s just good to know where she’s at. The more you know about the root of the problem, the better your solutions will be.
I wish you all the best, and welcome further comments or questions!
Laurie
Beth, I am so, so sorry to hear of your pain. Your story just breaks my heart. It paints such a sad picture. Know it’s not you, it’s NOT you. He made the decisions to lie time and time again. I hope you can find a way to work it out. I will be thinking of you.
Many of your stories hit home. I’ve submitted comments earlier and the advice given back was to share with my husband some of these stories and articles about Emotional Affairs.
After doing so, I was chastised and told that I had to get my act together. That there is no such thing as emotional affairs.
Recently I asked if he had made contact with what he calls “his friend” even though he stated he wouldn’t initiate contact. I already had my answer as it was in his phone texts. But again he has lied to me and stated he had not had any interactions with her.
The continued lying and the emotional emptiness at home is sometimes unbearable. During the whole incident which lasted 10 months of heartwrenching pain, he would state that he couldn’t lie or withold information from “his friend” and would have to tell her everything I would tell him in confidence. But then when it came to me he would consistently lie and withold information. He still is. He also witholds affection daily. I used to say “I Love You” daily. I haven’t said it to him in over a week. He comes to bed with no “Good Night”, no hugs, no hugs at the door when I get home from work and has the nerve to blame me for pushing him away. The intimacy is not reciprocated because he is always too tired, but he surely can go on line and read about it. He states it is “All about You”. Which at this point it needs to be.
My whole marriage has been trying to keep him happy. Buy him the things he wants because he thinks he will like this new hobby. Well the pheasant gun has sat there for 3 years now untouched. The golf clubs (special extra length) are used once a year. He is now into triathlons and we just got him all the gear for that. Now he wants a Bow to go Bow hunting. When does the list of I wants end. This time the answer is a big fat “No”. It is time to please myself.
I’m so hurt right now, that I’m contemplating finding someone for emotional support.
I do love him, but am tired of being alone in this marriage. He won’t talk to me about his needs and when I ask all I get is “I don’t know”. I can’t fix or change based on this and when I state what I need, I’m being too needy.
Maybe because I have found it so difficult to forgive the betrayal, I have pushed him away. It surely isn’t pleasant for either of us. But I can’t continue to take the emotional abuse either. He consistently turns all discussions back on me and rarely takes responsibility for any part of this situation we are in right now. “I need to get over it’ is what I hear from him.
He told this friend in March that they could no longer be friends and do things together. The very next day she is calling to go to lunch (which he did) to discuss what that meant and begged him to go to her birthday party later that month then they would cut it off. He stated to me that he would have no interactions with her except simple “Hello” if they met when at public places (picking up kids from school etc….) He did change his patterns so he wouldn’t run into her as much. But has intermittently initiated interactions. I opened a Facebook account and lo and behold her name comes up to add as a friend to my facebook. Of course that wasn’t going to happen. I asked my husband about it as he has a Facebook account and his reply was he didn’t know she had one and that he had no reason to add her to his. 2 Weeks later he has added her as a friend (his initiation). When I questioned him he stated he didn’t think I would find out. He immediately removed her and I am suppose to forgive and forget.
So since he has asked her to be out of his life he consistently interacts with her and I asked him “What have you done that makes me want to trust you.” You state one thing and do another. Then he turns the conversation on me as to “When was the last time you mowed the lawn, or took out the garbage”. Granted I don’t do as much around the house, but I work 50 hour work weeks to support our home, and he was a stay at home Dad until Nov last year and now he works a whopping 21 hours a week. Yet he still can’t seem to get his home commitments done and I’m left holding the bag. But again I don’t do anything around the house so he says.
I’m not saying I don’t appreciate what he does and I do thank him for his hard work, but to hear that I do things half way, when loads of laundry sit in baskets for days unfolded. When they are folded they are left on the bed for me to put away. That isn’t doing the job half way.
He is immature and controlling and cruel and I just need to turn it all back on him when he does this. I’m just tired, hurt, angry and unhappy.
Will or can their ever be happiness again? At least with this man?
On Sunday my husband told me that he has shared a half dozen flirtatious and intimate texts with my “good friend” and next door neighbor. We have vacationed with the family and we spend time with each other almost every evening in the summer. We are almost like family. Admittedly, we have been drinking too much this summer and along with that comes the crass jokes, loose behavior, etc. I think we all opened a door that shouldn’t have been and these two took it too far.
She just got an iPhone and was having a lot of fun texting all kinds of people. She started to train for a triathalon and texted my husband with comments about her runs or questions about bikes (he’s an avid biker). The texts began to get flirtatious then went to overtly sexual. He is sickened by his behavior and even started seeing a counselor prior to telling me about it because he was disgusted with his behavior. Unfortunately he didn’t put a stop to it, even though he knew it was wrong. He and I have been going through a rough period lately and he said that it was just the thrill of someone else telling him he was attractive and it wouldn’t have gone anywhere, though if they had been drinking and the situation was right, I can’t say for sure they wouldn’t have kissed or groped.
I have forgiven him because I know how much he loves me, how attracted he is to me and how broken down he has been feeling lately. I share some of the same marital disappointments and I can understand how and why this happened. Am I a fool to have forgiven so soon?
I am also devastated by my friend’s behavior. We have e-mailed and I have even told her I want to forgive her but she has yet to come see me to talk. She is a bit of a mess but I care about her. Would I be an utter fool to forgive her?
hey guys, i really need your advice. i just found out that my wife does have an affair with another guy when she was in another state, all this time i knew that i was the father of the child that she was carrying but all of a sudden i’ve read this text messages on her phone,and when i confronted her she confessed everything i need to know,. i;m really confuse at this point because i dont want to ruined my son’s dream of having a healthy and happy family, personally i want to gave her a chance but i dont know how will i trust her again, she did it to me before and she did it again, but my wife keep telling me that she loved me and she learned her lesson…..and she mentioned that if she really don’t want me now is the time to escape on our marriage but she didn’t because she wants me back. do i have to trust her again? and if i do how will i forgive her so fast, so we can start a new life?
I’m doing better at forgiving myself and making extensive efforts to begin anew and make my life what it should be in God’s sight. I feel more whole and alive and so, so hopeful. I am finding so much strength and excitement to move forward. However, my husband’s pain is still so raw and deep. I get engergized about how great I’m feeling about a new direction and a re-committment to him, but it’s very sad when our healing is stalled out by my him having difficulty moving away from the event itself. I’ve tried to explain to him that I was not really the same person during that period. I was so very altered, and I’m not that way now. I will never be that way again. I don’t know how much repentence he needs to see, but I’m trying so hard to have more empathy and compassion for him than I’ve ever had before, as he gets to that place where he can feel better about everything. It’s not so easy for him to understand and accept that I have learned from my mistake and that it is all behind us now.
I want to highlight something Laurie said. Yes, it’s normal to feel attractions to people in our lives, but acting on them is wrong. This was one of the biggest things that got things started between me and my other person. He had said to me that his feelings were so strong for me and he holds a strong belief that you have to tell a person how you feel. It’s normal and beautiful and when you feel something so deeply, it’s very important to let someone know. This was his biggest mistake. He could have chosen to keep all of his feelings for me tucked away, out of respect for both of our marriages, and we would have stayed within professional and frienship boundaries. I can say with all certainty that I would not have ever made the first move. Some of the flirting may have continued, but I would never have been the one to start voicing my feelings. And, anyway, my feelings didn’t really start to spark into real romance until he started making so many big moves towards me. I have had plenty of innocent “crushes” and opportunities prior to this experience where I could have expressed my attraction to different men in my life and opened doors that were morally off-limits, but I always knew it would be inappropriate, and I kept it to myself until the infatuation wore off. Now, I can easily be friends with those people without worrying about all the awful things that could have followed. I wish I could still be professional friends with this man, because we had a really good work thing going, but now, that is pretty much ruined.
Jane
Jane, thank you for your insights and suggestions for how to survive an emotional affair! Your input is so meaningful, especially since you’ve experienced it firsthand. I’m so glad you took the time to share how you’re doing and what works for you.
Wendy, I thank you too for sharing your story. I’m glad the two of you connected here — and can walk through it together!
One thing you asked, Wendy, was how to dissolve the romantic fascination for the other person. It makes me think of the whole “if you try not to think about something, all you can think about is that thing.” Instead of fighting your feelings or attraction to another person, I suggest you accept how you feel. It’s OKAY to be attracted to other people, even if you’re married. But, acting on those feelings of attraction is what can disrupt a marriage.
And, naming and accepting how we feel takes away its power over us. Fighting how we feel increases its power over us, and the struggle never ends.
How might this work? Maybe by simply saying to yourself, “I’m drawn to this man for some reason (or for reason X), and that’s okay. It’s normal to occasionally feel attracted to other people! But, I’m not going to act on my feelings, because I love my husband and value our marriage. My family is more important than fleeting feelings.”
This might help you cope when you have to see the guy you were attracted to. Also — forgive yourself! You made a mistake, you learned from it, and you’ll be a better wife because of it.
I wish you all the best,
Laurie