Can I Trust My Cheating Husband? How to Survive an Affair
Yes, you can trust a cheating husband and survive an affair. Rebuilding your marriage after an emotional or physical affair won’t be the easiest thing you’ll do, but it is possible! Here are tips for surviving an emotional affair, plus links to resources about repairing broken marriages (such as M. Gary Neuman’s The Truth About Cheating).
First, here’s a bit of relationship advice from a marriage counselor:
“It’s best to come clean as early as possible,” says author and marriage counselor Gary Neuman. “Be honest with your partner when you’re just beginning to become interested in someone else.”
For more advice on recognizing and surviving emotional cheating, read The Emotional Affair: How to Recognize Emotional Infidelity and What to Do About It
And, here are several tips for trusting a husband who cheated…
Can I Trust a Cheating Husband? How to Survive an Affair
Keep your expectations for your marriage realistic. You won’t be able to completely forget about your spouse’s affair, but you can stop nourishing your mistrust, hurt, and suspicious thoughts. That means accepting your partner at his (or her) word – if he says he’s left the past behind and is focused on building a strong marriage with you. To survive an emotional affair, you need to nourish healthy growth, trust, and faith in the future. (Easier said than done, I know).
Figure out your ideal healthy relationship. How do you want to be treated by your partner? What makes you feel loved and respected? To reconnect with a cheating spouse, envision your ideal healthy relationship, and make a list of the small steps that create that relationship. Share this list with your partner – and don’t be afraid of ultimatums or being left alone. Being single is a far better option than being in a relationship that causes you pain, anxiety, frustration, and confusion. Read books such as Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing
Understand and respect each other’s perspective. What does your partner need from you and your relationship? What do you need? To reconnect and survive an affair, be honest with each other. Don’t try to change your partner; instead, try and understand him.
Consider couples counseling or online marriage counseling. Individual or couples counseling will help you figure out the difference between your own insecurities and your partner’s emotional infidelity. Most of the time, emotional cheating or fights between couples aren’t about one specific problem – they’re about issues that already destroying the relationship. To reconnect with your spouse, you need to deal with those issues. And couples often need help dealing with issues in healthy ways (which is where marriage counseling comes in!).
Focus on the present and future – not the past. Focus on becoming more connected emotionally, spending time together, remembering what brought you together in the first place, and building a strong happy relationship. To survive an emotional affair, refuse to stay stuck in the past.
Focus on rebuilding your love, trust, and connection. You need to put the emotional affair behind you, because if you let your jealousy and insecurity affect your relationship, you’ll drive a wedge between you. Marriages are plagued with “a thousand tiny betrayals” – and to prevent those hurts from destroying your relationship, you need to forgive and let it go. Try to focus on reconnecting with your spouse (not rehashing the affair). Instead of staying stuck in the past, concentrate on your goal of rebuilding your marriage. A book like the The Magic of Making Up can be very helpful — and it can give you hope for the future.
Marriage coach Mort Fertel says cheating husbands may be less likely to cheat again. After an emotional affair, you may be able to trust him more than a man in a new relationship.
For a full explanation, read Should I Leave My Cheating Husband? The Best Reason to Stay Married.
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Love & Relationships, Marriage Tips, Mind & Soul, Psychology Tips, Relationship Tips
Hello again.
I want to thank the “hurt partners” (a term from the book After The Affair) out there who are expressing the devastation you have felt by your spouse looking to fill their emotional needs elsewhere. I would like to say that for me, and I believe for others in my position, it was something that was very unintentional (although very selfish). It’s not like I was out to hurt my husband on purpose. It takes two to let a marriage weaken and buckle under the pressures of life. There is so much both partners need to understand and address to improve their relationship. However, I take full responsibility for being such a fool to be lured into loving feelings with someone I had no right to engage with. I like how Wendy said it: ‘letting the person into my private life so easily and so completely’. How irresponsible I was. I was so altered in my thinking. I was like a different person, and not at all the kind of person I ever thought I could be, or will ever want to be again!!!!! I’m disgusted with the person I was becoming, and I’m so grateful that I have been freed from the influences that were leading me there.
Anyway, what I want to say is that I need to continue hearing from the hurt partners to help me understand the depths of the destruction you are suffering. My husband has been trying his best to describe this to me. He is expecting a certain type of remorseful attitude from me, and he is upset because he is not seeing what he wants to see. I am extremely regretful, ashamed, and sorrowful about what I have done, and I have been apologizing and making extensive efforts to restore his trust in me. It is very difficult to do this, since our relationship has been declining over many years. It’s not like we were happy, happy, and then suddenly I messed up. Even if this had not happened, we still had alot of work to do if we were ever going to fix things. We need to continue looking at the root of the problems and not fixate on and blame particular events and actions.
So, I wanted to get back to Wendy. I don’t know how far out you are from your emotional affair. I’m about five weeks out now. Last Thursday, I finally felt like my other person was out of my system. At last, my thoughts about him did not include any intimate, loyal, protective, or warm feelings. He is just another person to me now. Not so special anymore. Over the weeks, I have been gradually realizing just how wrong it was to become attached to him that way, and he rarely enters my mind now, unlike before, when I could mentally see, feel, smell, and hear him nonstop throughout every day.
Some of the steps I have taken to rid myself of him have been:
-looking at the situation as objectively as possible
-reading everything I can on this and all related topics
-removing any reminders of him as much as possible, or trying to attach new meaning to those things
-at times I have purposely exposed myself to those reminders to test my level of disconnection. I am very happy to see that I am responding with less and less feeling about him. In fact, I’m just about ready to sell back to my local used music store four CDs of artists that he got me hooked on. I had purchased and listened to the CDs obsessively, day after day, to make me feel more connected to him. Just glancing at them in my car would give me a surge of euphoria before, but now, I don’t even want them around. Somehow, the music which I thought was so brilliant, amazing, sexy, and appealing has lost its charm. It was all about the infatuation, not so much the music itself.
-The biggest help for my own recovery has been prayer and reading the Bible every single day, along with all my wonderful other books. Also, I listen to a Catholic radio station. It is full of wholesome music and information that keeps my thinking on track. I need to set myself straight and be the wife and mother God is expecting, and I need alot of help with that!! This life is about preparing ourselves for eternal life, and I was doing a real good job of staining my soul in June and July of this year. I had always viewed myself as the more prayerful and spiritual spouse in this marriage. I thought for years that I needed to help my husband with his own spiritual issues. Hah! Hypocrite! I am so grateful for the chance to start again.
-I write daily thank you notes to my husband now. I had thought that I had done plenty of apologizing and showing gratitude, in random bursts at varying intervals, as I felt those emotions come to me. But, I realize that is not enough for him. So, I printed up dozens of simple little strips of paper saying Thank You. Every single day, I have been writing a message of thanks and pointing out small things he does to show love to me (which he has increased dramatically since this happened!) He is currently on a business trip, so I had made up one for each day he is gone and labeled them with the day, so he has one to open every morning. He is loving these notes. Everything about him is softening up because of this and other things I am trying.
I know this message is way, way too long. It’s very hard to navigate through all of these words. I hope Wendy and others are able to find a scrap of something that will help. This is such a long, hard journey, but I feel privileged to be allowed to take it. What if I were still connecting with “him” and concealing it all? I would be cheating and lying for who knows how long. I had ideas of ending or adjusting boundaries many times, but it felt too good to stop, and he kept leading me on with his assurances that everything would be okay. I am ashamed of my weakness. But, we can wallow forever in disgust of ourselves, or we can keep chugging along in the right direction.
My big challenge of seeing him at work is getting closer. But, I’m feeling increasing confidence that I can hold myself in dignity when our eyes meet. It really would be better if I never saw him again. But, I can be strong, especially with the power of the Holy Spirit guiding my thoughts, word, and actions in the face of any temptation that claws at me.
Sorry to be so preachy, but I believe in God with all my heart. He is our safety, and he holds us in the palm of His hand. I trust Him completely. He wants us all to be pure, and He provides what we need to work towards that. We need to be open and trusting and always go to Him with our needs, no matter how great or small in our eyes.
Love,
Jane
Jane
Thank you so much for your quick reply to my first post here. I was so happy when I saw that you had posted. Your words truly helped me feel that I am not alone and that someone out there may have some help for me. I am looking forward to hearing your ideas and sharing more of my experience with you and others with the hope that it can help someone else too. I truly think that there is a way to overcome this “mountain”. It really helps me to hear how you are doing since we seem to have very common situations.
Thanks,
Wendy
Dear Wendy,
It’s amazing how many common threads exist between all of these stories. I don’t have very much time right at the moment. Very busy with the three kids today, and my husband is on a business trip all week, so my load is a little heavier. I am hoping to get back on here tonight when the house is quiet and I can think. I need to catch up on reading the latest entries and give some thought to my responses. I do have some hopeful ideas to share with you. Our paths are very similar, and your pain seems an awful lot like mine.
Jane
I want to start by saying THANK YOU everyone for your posts. I spent a long time reading and rereading them all and seeing how much my situation mirrors them. I never thought that I would ever been in this situation or done what I did….but here I am.
I have been married for about 12 years and have two little kids. Our marriage has been in trouble for a few years, but I thought that we would eventually work it out or something would happen to fix it. I think my attitude and my need for attention and affection caused me to start down at path to an “emotional affair”. I feel like I’m copying some of the posts above, especially Jane’s. By the way…thank you Jane for your comments and sharing….they made a huge difference to me. My affair began with a man that is one of my vendors. He and I have been working together on and off of about two years when he began to make our business interactions more personal. It started simply as asking me about my day and family….then my marriage….and how I was coping with my troubles. I feel so ashamed that I let him into my private life so easily and so completely. I felt so wonderful to be able to talk to a man who was so attentive and kind. This feeling just kept building on itself until I was thinking about him all the time. Our conversations became more personal and romatic and we began to e-mail between our working meetings. We started meeting for secret lunches whenever we could. We would talk romantically and hold hands and stare into each others eyes (and wish for more). If it hadn’t been for a friend of my husband that saw us at one of these lunches (I didn’t know this until later), I think this relationship would have quickly progressed to a full blown physcial affair. My husband confronted me, and at first I tried to minimize it and cover up. He keep at me and I eventually confessed everything what was going on. I decided that my only hope to save my marriage would be to be 100% completely honest with my husband, no matter how hurtful it would be to him or how shameful it made me feel. He was devastated and has been very hurt since that awful day. I promised him that I would end it and minimize my contact with this man. My husband also made me take a two week trip to my friend’s place, so I could think about what I did, what it would be like to be divorced, and be without my kids for an extended time. Those were the worst two weeks of my life. I was so distraught during that period. I began by agonizing about my shame and the potential ruin or my reputation, but by the end of the two weeks all I could think about was the pain I have caused to my husband and how loving he has been to give me a second chance. He has been so good at keeping our family together and baring the pain that I burdened him with. I hope that I haven’t broken our marriage and his heart beyond repair.
I would love any comments or wisdom about how to completely dissolve that romatic fascination for the other person. I am also in the same situation as Jane about having to work or interact with the other person in the near future. Jane, I would appreciate any insights you might have about dealing with this situation. I agree with you about how it will be so difficult when it happens and how I will feel about him when it happens. I am so anxious about this.
God bless all of you and help you find your way to the right path. I am praying to get back on the right path and be the wife that my husband deserves – no matter the cost or time needed to make that happen. I hope I can regain his trust and love someday.
Wendy
Thanks for sharing,Sharri,
Only a few hours ago, I contacted a therapist. I will eventually make an appointment to see her. Why? A few days ago, my obsession with the affair prompted me to ask my husband a couple of questions that had just occurred to me. The answers he gave (they were truthful) sent me into another tailspin of depression. I have tried so manymethods of trying to put the trauma behind me, but I have been unsuccessful more than I have been successful.
My responses to those answers are setting our reconciliation back further and further, and I see myself getting more and more depressed, not to mention tearing down the sincere efforts of my now remorseful husband to make things better for us.
I know that issues that I had as an adolescent were brought to light by my husband’s betrayal, and only a professional can help me get
to the roots of my persistent obsessing. I probably should have been in therapy long ago, but the affair was the catalyst that brought things to a head.
I hope and pray that she can help me, because I seem to be on a sel-destructive path in what’s left of my marriage.
I wish you luck, and I see you are determined to love yourself,even in the face of your pain. I hope I can reach that point.
If you have the time, please keep me informed of your progress;we can learn from each other. I will try to do the same.
God Bless You.
Hello,
I can understand and empathise what you are going through. I too have have been in a situation of betrayal, lack of trust, care, consideration, honor, obey, etc etc.
The man I married is also dead to me and I live with the leftover shell of a man that once was my everything, albeit I thought he was and tried to make him see the light for years and he failed to take heed.
Now that the clock of grandfather time has ticked and he is plagued with health problems I am suddenly his number 1! Gee, I wonder why? I will take care of him bcause I made my marriage vows to love, honor and obey and I will not take the wrap for him for his breaking of vows. I am younger than him (15yrs) and I will continue
to live my life for me, keep things to myself and am no longer an open book. He lost that opportunity to read me, read with me etc. I do not see the need to become a person like him with betrayals as I am acting on a Higher purpose for myself in life. Therefore I will be good to me and enrich my soul, spiritually and do my duty.
I wish you everything of the best and know it is a tough, lonly, long road to travel but if you have faith, you will find each day gets easier and eventually you will become good friends and forge a bond again.
This is slowly starting to happen in my situation because I was open to it. Don’t get me wrong, it is still a rollercoaster ride but at least friendship is forming. Forgiveness and being forgiven is hard work and our partners have to learn this, unfortunately at the tail end of life. Nothing is too big or too late.
Take care now.
Sharri
I still haven’t gotten over the devastation of how he could use such flimsy comments from a woman that he had known only a few months and relegate me to the status of a nonentity so completely and for so long and not have any twinges of conscience.
I have since understood what kind of stresses he was under on the job, and I know we had sort of drifted apart, but nothing was so horrible that we couldn’t fix had I known about it or if he had decided to tell me and not turn to her. Now.I just tolerate him; I don’t bother to tell him I love him;I do considerate things for him, I do my wifely duties with passion, but I will never let him hurt me like that again.
It’s just beginning to dawn on him, I think, how badly he has hurt me and why it’s taking me so long to get over it;it may take years, but if he wants to remain a part of my life like he says, then he is going to have to put up with a roller coaster ride for quite a while.
I have posted on so many websites it’s pathetic, but please understand that this is counseling/therapy for me. I have been getting piecemeal facts about my husband’s emotional infidelity for the past three years. I made the first discovery by relying on my gut instinct and being able to find evidence by looking through his things.
After confronting him and eventually her(by phone) I was made to believe that it was over. During the next two years however, God planted a seed of discernment in me to look for proof that it was not over and BINGO! He was continuing the affair despite seeing me almost having a nervous breakdown, despite me telling his OW that I knew about them. Then after interrogating him from time to time, I discovered that he had had some kind of sexual contact with her(at his request) and gifts and flowers had been given. I won’t even describe the content of love poems and e-mails that I accessed.
Needless to say, I wanted to fight for him after the first D-Day; after learning how he deceived me so completely and remorselessly during the next two years, I decided to let him know I was through with him and wanted a divorce. Reality hit him like a ton of bricks, he tried to remind me of how long we had been together(Yup 30+ years) and how we didn’t need to part ways, but I reminded him the time together didn’t mean shit to him when he was “courting” his skank.
After some more admissions, begging forgiveness, praying out loud, swearing on the Bible to never betray me again AND volunteering to counseling, I relented(with reservations) and dediced to stay with him.
However the man that I fell in love with and married so many years ago is dead–my H killed him and destroyed more than three decades together for a co-worker who told him she missed him(after a conference trip he returned from) and a private birthday party that she gave him because he told her that no one had ever given him a party before!!
Thank you Laurie, we do have a counselling session booked in a few days’ time, so we’ll see how that goes. Because things are very bad between us I have seen him send a stupid wink to someone on a dating site this week, however things are excessively bad so I can forgive that for now until things either get cleared out or improve.
I’ll let you know how it goes. Any other thoughts/views on the situation are very much welcomed.
Can I just say I think this page is really excellent – thanks for everyone who is responsible for it.
xxx
LBF
Hi Annie,
You’re definitely not alone! Building and maintaining a strong, healthy marriage is hard work — which is why emotional affairs are more common than we know (as you’ve learned). I’m glad you’ve found familiarity here, and that you shared your story.
There are so many books and articles on getting the spark back with your husband! One that springs to mind here on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals is “10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship”
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/10-ways-to-improve-a-bad-relationship/
One of my favorite tips from that article is “take risks together.”
Make improving your marriage a goal that you work towards as a couple. Figure out what you’re missing in your marriage, what you need from your husband. Talk to him about what he needs and wants out of your marriage.
My husband and I have taken a couple of “communication in marriage” courses, which really help us figure out what we’re really trying to say. Maybe you and your husband could try a workshop or marriage class — or maybe you just need two weeks in Hawaii!
The bottom line is that to find out what’s missing in your marriage, you need to do some digging. Being married for years isn’t as exciting as the honeymoon phase….but focusing on the best parts of long-term love is a great way to stay happy and connected.
I’m glad you broke off the affair, and I wish you all the best as you tackle your marriage with vigor! I welcome you back anytime.
Laurie
Hi La Bella Frascati,
Wow, what a story — not tedious at all!
On the one hand, your boyfriend seems loving and attentive…and on the other, he doesn’t respect your needs or wishes at all. To compare your checking his email to violation and rape astounds me. That’s emotional manipulation, because it’s like comparing stabbing someone through the heart with poking through their medicine cabinet. Yes, both are violations of privacy — but on completely different levels. So he’s being manipulative with that. He’s on the defensive, trying to make you the bad guy (when it’s him, not you, who is dishonoring your relationship and commitment).
Also, love isn’t just about saying “I love you.” In fact, that’s the easiest, laziest part of love! Anyone can say “I love you.” Real, committed, healthy love is about how you treat each other, whether you respect one another’s wishes, if you can talk about your problems, if you’re emotionally and spiritually connected, if you have the same goals for the future.
You asked for viewpoints…I think that if you think the benefits of your relationship outweigh the drawbacks, and if you’re willing to live with his flirting and connecting with other women, then you need to stop checking his phone. If you want to accept him the way he is and focus on the benefits, then you have to let him have his privacy.
He’s not willing to change. You can’t force him to be a different man — and checking up on him won’t make him change. So, the way I see it, you either accept him the way he is….or you think about letting him go.
You could suggest couples counseling — especially if your ultimate goal is a happy, healthy, commited, trusting relationship. Learning how to really hear and talk to each other is a great way to show your love and commitment!
I hope all goes well for you two.
Best wishes,
Laurie
I cannot believe I am even on here reading all of this, much less contributing. I was up until 3 am this morning reading all of these posts and they sounded so familiar.
So here is my story: Lost my job about 6 months ago, my husband, who is absolutely wonderful in oh, so many ways, travels with his job most every week. about 4 months ago, I started playing a game on one of the popular networking sites and met a guy in one of the chatrooms. Turned out, he didn’t live far from me.
I thought he was just a buddy at first, then realized I became emotionally interested in him. He always was there to talk to online, which eventually turned into heavy flirting. My husband must have been skeptical about this man’s intentions (and apparently mine) and happened to log in as me and see exactly what we were saying to eachother in real time. The one time that I know of was the ONLY time sexual words were exchanged. At the time, I thought they were just words, but it turned out it made me feel so good that it turned me into an obsessive “thrill seeker”. Although any conversation we had was pretty much generic, he paid attention to me, complimented me, and we got to know eachother.
My husband confronted me about my relationship with “him”, and I told him what I thought was the truth. . .just words, meant nothing, etc. I also removed “him” from any contact with me. Within days, I was talking to him again, much to my husband’s dismay. He wondered what on earth did I have to talk to this guy about and “for some reason, you think you need to talk to him”.
I found out where this man lived, stopped by 3 times, two of which I told him we couldn’t continue talking. He apparently was in need of what I offered in verbal exchange and friendship, so he would always say “let’s give it some time”, basically since I told him that my husband SAW what we were saying in the whole few minutes of exchange with a major sexual overtone, thinking that my husband just needed time to see this for what it was.
As of last night, after suffering debilitating anxiety issues and obsessing about how I can talk to “him” and when can I stop by his house again (never went in, visits were only 15 to 30 minutes), I called him from a pay phone to tell “him” that I am sorry, I can no longer speak to him. . .again. He said he understood and saw this coming. . .
So, reading all of these things makes me feel not so alone, I didn’t realize there was a name to what I had been experiencing. I also know my husband forgives me, loves me without a shadow of a doubt, and I feel like I betrayed him. I need to forgive myself, but I am not sure how to do that yet.
My issue is, apparently there is something missing from what I considered a perfect marraige. My husband and I both want to know what that is. I remember the spark I used to feel with my husband and I want to feel “that” again. The butterflies, warm fuzzy feelings. I would love to find out a way to feel that again.
Hi all,
Sorry but this is a long one. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years, am 32 yo. I met him whilst living in another country, we had a long-distance relationship for 18 months, however I had planned to move to his country long before I met him and considering our relationship was going fantastically at the time, it was the natural step for me to move into his house with him and to his country to start my new life that I had longed for for so long. So I did that, however soon after moving in with him (3 yrs ago now) little bits started going wrong. He lost his job and took on a terrible job selling door-to-door, having doors slammed in his face, wandering streets for 16 hours a day etc. I spent my first 2 months in a new country with no friends, no money, no company and no job (got a new job 2 months later) and him coming home every evening very upset, I would try and console him but he wouldn’t have it and both of us were increasingly isolated. At the same time he was spending his one day off a week on the internet, flirting and chatting to girls – he has a side job as a mobile disco DJ which is in itself a job where he meets a lot of drunk flirty women and I’m OK with the fact that he has to flirt with them to keep them “on side”. I then was on the home computer and got misdirected to his email inbox, where I was horrified to find very sexy emails with him flirting and discussing meet-up plans with other women. I confronted him about it and he was very contrite, apologetic and upset and swore to me that no meet-ups every actually occured. Well, that was 3 years ago. I’m ashamed to say that this has happened 5 times since and the remorse has gradually disappeared in the meantime. We’ve managed to go some months without any incidences, and my trust has been coming back but we’ve had some real problems with him being emotionally distant, withdrawing from sex etc. and it’s gradually built up into me nagging him, him getting annoyed, him barely speaking to me etc. It came to a head last weekend where he left his phone behind when we went to the gym, and I of course checked it, only to find texts to a girl talking about spending a night together. He came home, I confronted him and he exploded, saying that he left the phone behind as a “test” to see if I trusted him. Apparently these texts were sent by a male work colleague that he trusted to set this up, he immediately apologised for playing such a cruel game but said that my lack of trust in him was making him feel violated and raped and was central to the problems he’s had with our relationship.
Can I point out that you’re probably all thinking “are you mad? Just leave him” but there is another side to this. We do have an amazing amount in common with each other, we have a very unique sense of humour and both of us are quite highly sexed as well in a very unique way. We love the same music, films, things to do etc. and there are other issues that we are both very much aware of that are compromising our relationship e.g. I am extremely negative and cynical, which I’m working on. Also both of us have very few friends in the town that we live in, but for the time being cannot afford to move given the current economic situation. My friends are in the cities I worked in – I worked 60 miles from home in my last job and have changed to one that is 40 miles away – where we live is a bit of a jobs blackhole. I have joined classes etc. around here but the people I’ve met I don’t have anything in common with (it does take me some time to make friends and I tend to pal up with work colleagues, around here a lot of people are unemployed and either smoke, are very aggressive or take drugs – not things I like doing). He works here and is being supported to take a degree over the next 2 years by his employers. Basically, when our relationship is good, it’s fantastic, but when it’s not, it’s awful, and both of us want to make it better and each other happy. THe problem is that he has emotionally become completely distant to the point that where he sees he’s upset/hurt me, he doesn’t know what to do/feel. That’s totally unlike the man I fell for, he was kind and to much of an extent, still is. He’s very supportive and kind to my friends and family (and not in “that” way) but communication has broken down so much that aside from going for counselling (which I have booked and he is going along with, albeit not enthusiastically) I don’t know what to do. I have written him letters/emails to try and express my feelings, as discussions usually end up in tearful rows (unfortunately I’m the type who instead of getting angry bursts out crying pathetically – and when I start crying I can’t stop) and he’s now got the point where he’s scared to say anything to me for fear of how I might take it. And yes, I am afraid to say, I’m the sensitive type too. Not easy. He also has a tendency to shout (he is partly deaf to be fair) and then completely deny that he shouts at me which is something he can’t seem to realise, despite my upset and protestations. Everything gets left with me to improve (you neds to be stronger and less sensitive and make more friends he keeps saying), he claims he’s making improvements but to be brutally honest, I can’t see any.
I think the opinions on this site are very interesting and educated and I really would love to hear other people’s viewpoint on this. Thanks for sticking with such a long tedious story, if you want more information backing up this sorry tale please just let me know. We love each other dearly, and despite all that’s gone on neither of us wants to give up on the relationship, despite many threats on my part to leave and the grinding down of us both. He still tells me he loves me every single day, and I love him.
To all who’s partners will not see they are in or getting over an emotional affair.My husband would not accept he had emotionally connected himself to our young neighbour.He believed he was being friendly.Slowly he has been accepting & telling little truths, instead of lying all the time.Not all truths are out yet, but I feel sure they will.I think the lying is because he feels stupid and didn’t know how deep he was getting involved.I know there was no physical contact and the affair was conducted at a distance.His argument has always been ,I’ve never touched her. I have never been in her house. Or I have always been more then 2 metres away from her.
For 6 weeks he has controlled his emotions and made a real big effort to distanced himself from her.As time passes he is getting back to normal. The first 2 weeks were very difficult for him.He would start little arguments and try to turn things around. All to justify why we should be including her,as a neighbour, in to our lives again.He thought we should at least say Hi to her.I stuck to my guns and dug my heals in.I told him, it was his and her doing that our relationship with her and her family was at an end.That it can’t be back to how it was, ever.Each week gets better and he is gradually getting back to his old self, as I knew him.
In order to make him realize the stress and humiliation he put me through.I have presented him with a 14 page diary of events, that I put together myself.
He read it and said he needs to read it again, for it, to sink in.I have given him the option to read it, at any time, he feels he needs to.This is helping me and him. I can tell.
I found this easier then talking. Sometimes talking went well. At others it turned in to an argument.I’m hoping that there is no need to discuss this matter anymore. I would like to forget about the whole episode.All he has to do is tell me the truth.He has the option of writing his own views. Should he feel he can’t speak about them.I’m sleeping better and I don’t feel so stressed by putting my thoughts on paper.If others would like to try this option with their partner. Especially if the partner did not recognize the emotional affair they were involved in.I hope it works.Mine couldn’t understand that what he was doing was wrong.At the same time he is Mr.Nice Guy and can’t help that he sees everyone as a friend and not foe.He hates to upset people and will avoid it, if he can.I’m aware of that and I’m trying to help him over come his bad feelings.
I started by taking extracts from the Internet on definitions of an emotional affair and flirting styles & techniques.This was to hi-light to him the things he didn’t understand or knew about. Then I started my diary of events(not using dates) Like,… I noticed for the first time last summer that you were staring at her a lot etc….
Good Luck I’ll write again soon Wendall
Thank you Laurie for being there with all of your caring responses and advice. It is so great to come here and speak out in safety with people in the same boat and a wise voice of assistance in you.
I do have a question for you. I think I might know what I should do and how I should approach this, but I would really appreciate and value your input.
I have not seen my other person since we last met in early July. Obviously, we have stayed away from each other on a personal level, and also our work has kept us apart from each other during these summer weeks. I will most likely be seeing him in a couple of weeks through a work event. There will be over a hundred other professionals in attendance, but he and I may be placed in semi-close vicinity during a large meeting setting. I keep anticipating how this is going to feel, and rehearsing what I will do. I know our eyes will probably meet, and there will be an opportunity to speak, at least in greeting and small talk. It would be weird for us to ignore each other in front of our other team members, who know nothing of our relationship, so we will probably have to keep things looking “normal”. My husband emailed him soon after he discovered what was going on and told him absolutely no interaction of any kind will be tolerated. Professionally, that will be impossible, and my husband understands this, but does not like it at all. There will have to be some instances of communication from time to time. I feel confident that I will not fall back into a romantic mode with him. My head is on much straighter now, and I cannot risk confusing him or myself again at this point. I refuse to break the trust that I have been building up with my husband these last four weeks. It will be hard to be in his presence, because there are still some feelings that have not had time to dissolve all the way, and they might be reactivated. I know my husband is also nervously anticipating this situation, and he will probably ask me every day after work if I saw or talked to the other person. I would like to be able to be truthful and say no or yes, and this is what was said…and have it be harmless and purely work-related. My feelings might be a different matter entirely, though. I’m being honest and realistic here. It’s going to be a challenge.
Let me know what you think.
Thank you so much,
Jane
Jane,
Thanks for the update — it’s great to hear about your journey to a happy marriage. Thanks also for the list of helpful books about marriage, and healing affairs.
This is why they say that good marriages are hard work. Especially in this society, where “happily ever after” and “the only type of love is the passionate kind” are the main messages about marriage….and they’re unachievable goals. We just set ourselves up when we believe those things. I do believe in happily ever after — but I also believe that it takes effort, energy, time, and commitment.
Anyway, Jane, thanks — and keep in touch! I know people are reading your posts and being helped by your experience.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Hello again,
It has been exactly one month since I had to break off my brief but intense emotional affair, which was discovered by my husband as I was sending my last romantic email.
My husband and I are working hard on our marriage, but I keep feeling dismay every time we fall into our old patterns again. The same old arguments, the same defensiveness, the same way of reacting with our juvenile responses when we are disappointed, afraid or feeling criticized by each other unfairly. However, we have made some improvements, and I feel a little more interested in loving him than I did before, but it’s still very, very hard. I often see the reasons why I began to stray from coldness, anger, and frustration towards something that appeared to be so tender, peaceful, loving, beautiful, and easy. It’s just so hard to keep the committment going, but there is no other choice.
I have been reading many, many books (including the Bible) on the topic of keeping marriages together. It has helped me immensely. I have learned so much about why people are attracted to each other and why we choose particular mates. It seems to stem from unknowingly seeking out the characteristics of our first caregivers. It’s very complicated and I have so much more studying to do, but it helps to be able to step back and look at the truths and patterns of human behavior in this area that have been studied and proven over and over by the experts in the field. It’s not quite as mysterious and magical as it once seemed, this falling in love business. One thing in particular that has helped me disconnect emotionally from my other person is reading about the stages of love and the thought processes we go through when we think we are “in love”. It’s almost amusing to read “my story” in all of these descriptions by all of these different authors. I actually have to look at myself and smirk. I followed the progression precisely, as I “fell in love” with this other man. I know he did, too. It’s as plain as the nose on my face. I wish I wouldn’t have had to put myself and my husband and family through the pain of this experience in order to be educated in the way my heart can mislead me, but I am a little wiser now, and I really believe I will not be taken for a fool and be swept away by romantic illusions and infatuation again. Heaven help me, though, that stuff is a powerful drug.
In case anyone is curious about literature that has been helpful to me, here are a few books and resources I’ve been reading:
The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work (Gottman)
After The Affair (Janis Spring)
Getting The Love You Want (Hendrix)
Before We Say I Do:7 Steps To A Healthy Marriage (McMickle)
Also:
any and all of the John Gray books
and anything from Gary Chapman is great. Very heavy on the Christian message. I also subscribe to daily email messages from Gary Chapman’s Marriage Vine Ministries. I really find many of them helpful.
Thanks to all who are willing to continue sharing your stories and progress. Healing and renewal is possible, I really believe it.
Jane
Thank you so much. That was what I needed.
I just go through emotional roller coasters sometimes because he just doesn’t get it!
It is better than it has been, I just can’t give in to letting him have interactions.
I’ve been tougher than I’ve ever been and willing to stand up for my feelings for once instead of just taking it. I’ve felt more empowered at times then I ever have.
Thanks again.
Hi Beth,
No, I don’t think it’s too much to ask that they stop all communication. It’s like the old adage, “You can’t go back to holding hands.” Once they’ve crossed boundaries such as locking themselves in a room together while she has an emotional moment…they can’t just go back to chatting about school concerts and birthday parties.
The problem, as you pointed out, is that he doesn’t realize how destructive emotional affairs are. You can talk until you’re blue in the face — and so can your counselor (which by the way I’m glad you talked to) — but until he really internalizes how insidious and unhealthy they are, he won’t see the point of cutting off all contact. And if he doesn’t see the point of it, then he’ll keep thinking you’re overreacting.
So, I suggest giving him another perspective on emotional affairs — such as from people who were involved in them. Print out excerpts from this comments page, and the comments on “Signs of Emotional Cheating” — here’s the link:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/6-signs-of-emotional-cheating/
Perhaps giving him other points of view will help.
Also, he needs to respect your opinions and feelings — no matter how “crazy” they seem, and talk to you without the eye rolls and defensiveness. And vice versa, of course.
My husband and I took a wonderful course called “Nonviolent Communication” about 3 years ago, and we still use some of the communication tips they taught us. Marriage workshops and classes are fantastic ways to learn how to communicate without stonewalling or defensiveness — and talking with and listening to other couples is also very helpful and eye-opening.
I hope this helps a little. Emotional affairs really are hard for people to wrap their heads around — especially if they think cheating is all about physical intimacy. But it’s not!
Good luck, I hope this helps, and I hope you stay in touch…maybe one day you’ll be on the “this is what worked for us” end, and you’ll be helping people cope with their own emotional affairs. Wouldn’t that be lovely?
All best,
Laurie
Jane — thank you so much for sharing your story! It seems like most couples who are struggle with emotional or physical affairs, money problems, or any type of marital problem go directly to the “get a divorce” step.
It’s fantastic to see you working it out with your husband, and focusing on the big picture.
Love is about so much more than feelings and physical attraction….and your comment reflects what love is really about.
Thank you,
Laurie
My husband had an emotional affair, though he can’t seem to admit that it was. My husband was a stay at home Dad until my daughter started kindergarten. This woman was a stay at home Mom who is not emotionally stable. She lacks confidence and is needy and controlling. We started out as friends, but since I work full time her neediness wore thin. Because of this she latched onto my husband instead and this friendship and her needs came first over our families.
I learned a valuable lesson that for years I did take my husband for granted. It is a two way street in any marriage. He was missing something from me, but he also needs to realize that he has to communicate his needs to me as well.
After many discussions with him about my feelings and a counselor telling him his actions and friendship wasn’t acceptable, my husband finally told this woman they could no longer be friends. This woman and her husband still try to contact my husband to pursue this friendship and from time to time my husband caves and invites her back into his life. I fortunately have been able to let my husband know that this is unacceptable and he realizes and curtails the interactions.
The problem is he doesn’t accept responsibility for his actions. He still doesn’t understand that he had an emotional affair and has a very difficult time understanding my feelings about this other woman. He blames me for ruining a friendship that we all had as I had confronted her about a year ago about her spending way to much time at my home and chasing my husband around. (Very obvious to others on the outside who saw the interactions as well.)
It hurts when your children even know the relationship isn’t proper. My son told me about the time they locked themselves in our bedroom because Liz was having an emotional moment. Leaving 5 kids under the age of 8 to fend for themselves with a pool in the backyard. Hmmmm not so smart in my opinion. My 8 year old son at the time didn’t think too highly of this either as he was telling me about it.
I’m trying my best to move on and trust again. I’m finding it difficult at times. It is better than it was. My husband has never been one to share feelings or talk openly. I’ve asked for more affection and more communication at this point to help me through this, but he feels he can’t change to meet my needs. He also feels I should just trust his word, when in the past he has lied and betrayed me so many times. I get eye rolls and defensiveness trying to turn things back on me whenever I question his motives or his intermittent interactions with this woman.
Is it too much to ask that he just stop all an any communication and keep her from contacting him?
Wow, Steve. I so feel for you. I can feel the deep anguish and guilt in your words. You are suffering so much, and I really believe you want to repair your marriage and rebuild the love you once had with your wife. I also have three young children, and they are our glue. When I have thought I had no more feelings left for my husband, and thought I would die emotionally if I stay with him, I see their little innocent faces in my mind, and I know I have to make this work. I have had differing advice from different sources on that. Some say it’s better to live peacefully apart than angrily together, for the kids’ sake. I don’t buy it. There are ways to heal and live in love together, even when you think there is no hope. There is always hope with God. But, man, it’s a long road, and one that I have just set foot on.
We watched the movie FireProof recently. I would highly suggest this movie to anyone in this situation, and really, all married couples having issues and maybe even those preparing for marriage who are unsure or struggling in some way. Any couple can benefit from watching it. Watching it was the reason I put my wedding band and engagement ring back on…here’s the story about that…
I stopped wearing my wedding band in April, after our final counseling session with a counselor who seemed exasperated with us. His final comment to my pleading for some resources, materials, exercises, something tangible to help us work out our problems was “Why can’t you two just forgive each other and move on?”. I left the place with tears streaming down my face and took off my ring while driving home. I swore that if I ever wore a wedding ring again, it would be a whole new one for a whole new set of reasons. We had tried so many things prior to that counselor, and I believed there was absolutely nothing that would help us learn to love each other and get through this life as a whole family with our incredibly beautiful and precious, innocent children.
That’s when things started getting a little more involved with my other person, but it took several more weeks for it to flare into romance. He was the one who started it, although I had had very sweet feelings for him for a long time. One day he started asking me questions about my past romantic experiences. He sent mp3s of love songs to me over email. He wrote the most beautiful poetry to me that made me feel like I was a goddess in his eyes. I don’t think he was doing all of this on purpose, in some calculated way to get what he wanted in the end, but if there’s a formula for it, he knows it inside and out, and it worked like a charm.
Before this, it really never entered my mind to have an office romance or any kind of inappropriate relationship with someone else. I just wanted the pain in my marriage to stop, or to get away from it, somehow. He was my medication. And, folks, they are not lying when they say it’s like a drug addiction. I wanted more and more and more of his words, his voice, his eyes, everything, and it started to take over my life. If I ever have inklings of wanting any of it back, I remind myself how I had started to feel annoyed that my kids were around, how I neglected alot of my responsibilities, how my thoughts were constantly swirling about him during all my waking hours. He seemed to outshine my husband in every way, and I would drift off into a daydream about him even more deeply when my husband was around, to try to block out my intense and growing negative feelings towards him and our marriage. The comparison between the bad feelings I had for my husband and the euphoric feelings I had about the other person was a sharp contrast.
So, to try and bring this all back around, I’m saying that I was in deep, and even though I was so upset that my husband pulled the plug on it and it came to a screeching halt, and it’s still hard to let go of all the things I wanted out of the extramarital emotional affair, our marriage is now on the way to recovery. My husband is a saint that I never recognized before. As I distance myself from my temporary escape into sinful emotional behaviors which could have led to very sinful physical behaviors if given the time, I see that I am one lucky woman to have this man who is my husband, who I have taken for granted for so long, willing to give me another chance. I cannot believe he is still able to love me. Now, I am working on finding the love I know I can have for him. It’s hard when you get a taste for intense romance with someone else, and then you deal with the disappointment of not having that with the person you promised to love so long ago. Maybe I was stupid for marrying someone that I wasn’t in love with, but I didn’t know the difference back then. I am deciding to trust that if I use the resources that I have found through these websites and my counselor and church, we can build this into a real, true, and lasting love. I am staying no matter what, and since I can’t stand to live in muck anymore, I am going to bring in new soil, new seeds, and cultivate a beautiful garden out of it. Big wishes here, but they can come true, especially with God as the center of it all.
I will write again.
I pray for us all. Healing is available, if we want to reach out and hold on tight. We need to decide to love, and so do our hurt spouses. A good friend once told me that the best marriage advice she was given was that Love is a Behavior. I have heard it as Love is a Decision before, but to me that is confusing. Okay, so you decide to love. But, what does that look like, what are you supposed to do? I think her version clears it up nicely. If you behave in loving ways, you can cultivate an array of loving feelings.
This is a trial and a cross to bear. Let’s rise to the challenge, everyone.
Love,
Jane
Sharri — just wanted to let you know I moved your question over to my “Ask a Question” page:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/ask-a-question-quips-tips-achieving-goals/
See you there!
Laurie
Since I posted last I have already been to counseling twice, which was my idea. My counselor doesn’t really have more she can say other than it’s going to take time, and it would be ideal of my wife would go. However, she presently doesn’t feel it is her problem, which I can understand. I’m hoping that in time she will go if she wants to try to save our marriage, even though I am the one who f’ht it all up. I have never felt so horrible in my life, and what makes me feel worse is that I know she feels even worse than I do. I feel so creditably stupid for not seeing how this could be taken so much worse than I had thought. It’s made me sick to my stomach ever since this happened, and it’s only getting worse the more it sinks in, just how much of an idiot I am for doing this to my wife, and best friend. I had everything, a beautiful loving wife, two great kids, great family, and how a 3rd on the way. Yes, a 3rd, I forgot to mention that in my first post, which complicates our situation even more. Not only is there financial stress, but I think it really upsets my wife even more because she needs my help our kids, and now there’s another one on the way. Her Mom has come down to help her, and help out with our kids, while I’m at work. I vowed to my wife that I would not lie to her again, and I would tell her everything and be upfront even if she would get mad at me. So while this has been happening, I really only have spoken to the counselor, making that previous post, and my Mom. While I was talking to my Mom, as I was telling her about all the bad stuff that was happening, how my whole world is falling apart, I slipped and told her that my wife was pregnant again. I told my Mom this late at night and told her not to bring it up before I do, but if my wife asks you, not to lie and say that I told her. That next morning I was talking with my Mother-in-law while my wife was sleeping and she asked me if I spoke with my parents about it…not wanting to lie I said, yes to my Mom, and that I mentioned that my wife was pregnant. I had told her I needed someone to talk to. Later that day I was going to ‘hopefully’ sit down with my wife at some point and tell her that I accidentally told my Mom, but my wife wasn’t looking or talking to me that morning, so I wanted to wait for a better time that day to break the news…..very bad idea… again! I was outside working all day with my Dad and I didn’t realize my Mom had come over to visit! – Thanks for the heads up Mom, on that one – I guess before my Mom came over my Mother-in-law mentioned it to my wife…….lets just say she was furious to hear that from her Mom instead of me….other lesson learned…”spill it” right away. So now she has trust issues with my Mom for not saying anything when she was over and there’s some passed history there that I’ll save for another day, and for me again for not telling her right away….later that night my wife vented to me about it and how I had messed everything up. Needless to say I lost a lot of hope that I could save our Marriage after that. I thought I felt bad before, now I was just beside myself. Just made me realize just how much this hurt her. It feels like I can’t do anything right, and I know she has every right to be angry with me. It’ just eating me that I messed our 10 years up so badly with all this. To add to my problems, my wife isn’t generally the most forgiving person either, so I think I have maybe a 2% percent chance of saving my marriage and life as I knew it. Each time I think about how many people I have hurt and affected by this, not including the obvious I just get sick to my stomach. I’ve thrown up three times now. Who knows, my wife may kill me for posting these online, but I’m looking for help from wherever I can find it. All I want to do is be with my wife and kids.
Laurie – Thanks for the response. Right now my wife hates me and gets sick just thinking about me. I hope a lot of this is just anger; I’m trying to stay optimistic. Right now my wife doesn’t want anything to do with me, but when she asks something of me, trust me I do it! I’m hoping she will want to go to counseling, but right now she’s still extremely made at me. I’ve shut down my Facebook account down completely. I want nothing to do with it, and if that helps to show just a little bit that I think is really important, I’m going to do it and anything else she asks of me. I have another personal email account that I have just had my emails forwarded to her and she can forward them to my work email if there’s anything from family etc. I do have another work email address, but I don’t think it is possible for me to give her instant access or forward it, but I have told her and shown her my work email. My work email is just that, I don’t use it for anything else. Of course she doesn’t think so, but hopefully I will have the time with her to show her that. Other than letting her use my laptop there’s not much I can do with this. Also I have given her all my passwords etc. I will look into a couples retreat in our area. However, I think I’m going to wait a while before I bring that up.
Lee – I’m sorry to hear your husband did something stupid too. For me what I think it really came down to, and as silly as it sounds, is that I just met a girl down the states at a show, we all (not just me…never one on one) had a good time. I didn’t tell my wife, because I know how my wife sometimes reacts, so to avoid a fight I didn’t tell her. Of course now that has been multiplied a 1000 times over. So, if there’s any guys reading this…always tell your wife regardless if she will be pissed at you! Like the saying goes ‘hell have no fury like a woman scorned’. Since we’ve had our kids I also haven’t been communicating very well with my wife. I think that a lot of it has to do with adjusting to the stress of going from no kids to two kids. Regardless, my behaviour was unacceptable and I hope this is just the worst wake up call I ever get so I never lose sight of my priorities again. Thank you for the book suggestion, I’m going to try to find it on the way home tonight. As far as sending an email to her, my counselor had actually suggested that. My wife had since blocked her from my Facebook account, so I had to ask one of my colleges, who was also a friend of hers as well from the trip, he provided me with her email address. Not wanting to cause suspicion as soon as I got it, I sent it to my wife so that when I got home I could write an email. However, and I don’t blame her, I gave my wife access to my email and she wrote to her as if she was me. She was just trying to find out if more had happened that I wasn’t telling her, which nothing had. I would probably have done the same thing if I was her. After about four or five emails back and forth she let her know that she was actually my wife emailing her as me and was very upset that she carrying on emailing me on Facebook. I had ever sent an email conversation in any other form. Since then she has not tried to contact me and I definitely have not tried to contact her. It would probably help me if she did try to contact me, so I could immediately show it to my wife. As for my blackberry I leave it when I don’t need it and give it to her whenever she asks.
Kim – Thanks for you comments. I hope that in two years I’m able to show and tell my wife whatever she asks so that she feels reassured that I love her and only her and want to be with her and our kids forever.
Steve,
When I asked my husband about the affair he came clean. When I found out it was a good friend I got angry. I was so upset because of the disrespect that he show our marraige and family. I didn’t trust him for the longest time and told him. These women who have affairs with men mostly do and you say what the wife doesn’t. Remenmmber when you tell a women what is wrong in the relationship she does everything right and so you believe you have the perfect women. Like I told my husband if she was a great catch she won’t be looking your way because she be taken. I told him to go live with her and find out what she is all about then let me know if our marriage is where you want to be. If you can’t tell your wife anything and anybody even the little things then maybe you should think about how to communicate better. After 2 years I stilll have moments of doubts but when I ask him a question he is more than willing to tell or show what I need to feel better. I told my husband when a person can make you do something you never done before is that someone you want to be with. For Example I would never think he would lie and be sneaky but he did. Enough said good luck hope it all works out for you and your family My prays are with you!!!!!!!!!