Can I Trust My Cheating Husband? How to Survive an Affair
Yes, you can trust a cheating husband and survive an affair. Rebuilding your marriage after an emotional or physical affair won’t be the easiest thing you’ll do, but it is possible! Here are tips for surviving an emotional affair, plus links to resources about repairing broken marriages (such as M. Gary Neuman’s The Truth About Cheating).
First, here’s a bit of relationship advice from a marriage counselor:
“It’s best to come clean as early as possible,” says author and marriage counselor Gary Neuman. “Be honest with your partner when you’re just beginning to become interested in someone else.”
For more advice on recognizing and surviving emotional cheating, read The Emotional Affair: How to Recognize Emotional Infidelity and What to Do About It
And, here are several tips for trusting a husband who cheated…
Can I Trust a Cheating Husband? How to Survive an Affair
Keep your expectations for your marriage realistic. You won’t be able to completely forget about your spouse’s affair, but you can stop nourishing your mistrust, hurt, and suspicious thoughts. That means accepting your partner at his (or her) word – if he says he’s left the past behind and is focused on building a strong marriage with you. To survive an emotional affair, you need to nourish healthy growth, trust, and faith in the future. (Easier said than done, I know).
Figure out your ideal healthy relationship. How do you want to be treated by your partner? What makes you feel loved and respected? To reconnect with a cheating spouse, envision your ideal healthy relationship, and make a list of the small steps that create that relationship. Share this list with your partner – and don’t be afraid of ultimatums or being left alone. Being single is a far better option than being in a relationship that causes you pain, anxiety, frustration, and confusion. Read books such as Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing
Understand and respect each other’s perspective. What does your partner need from you and your relationship? What do you need? To reconnect and survive an affair, be honest with each other. Don’t try to change your partner; instead, try and understand him.
Consider couples counseling or online marriage counseling. Individual or couples counseling will help you figure out the difference between your own insecurities and your partner’s emotional infidelity. Most of the time, emotional cheating or fights between couples aren’t about one specific problem – they’re about issues that already destroying the relationship. To reconnect with your spouse, you need to deal with those issues. And couples often need help dealing with issues in healthy ways (which is where marriage counseling comes in!).
Focus on the present and future – not the past. Focus on becoming more connected emotionally, spending time together, remembering what brought you together in the first place, and building a strong happy relationship. To survive an emotional affair, refuse to stay stuck in the past.
Focus on rebuilding your love, trust, and connection. You need to put the emotional affair behind you, because if you let your jealousy and insecurity affect your relationship, you’ll drive a wedge between you. Marriages are plagued with “a thousand tiny betrayals” – and to prevent those hurts from destroying your relationship, you need to forgive and let it go. Try to focus on reconnecting with your spouse (not rehashing the affair). Instead of staying stuck in the past, concentrate on your goal of rebuilding your marriage. A book like the The Magic of Making Up can be very helpful — and it can give you hope for the future.
Marriage coach Mort Fertel says cheating husbands may be less likely to cheat again. After an emotional affair, you may be able to trust him more than a man in a new relationship.
For a full explanation, read Should I Leave My Cheating Husband? The Best Reason to Stay Married.
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Love & Relationships, Marriage Tips, Mind & Soul, Psychology Tips, Relationship Tips
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- Can I Trust My Cheating Husband How to Survive an Affair | Cheater-Chat.com | September 12, 2010
Dear Anna,
I have to say, it’s not a good sign that he’s secretive about his communications or meetings with his ex-wife — and you’re right to let it bother you! Your instincts are telling you that something isn’t right…and ignoring your instincts is setting yourself up for a fall.
You and your partner need to tie up the loose ends of your previous marriages, and fully commit to one another. My best advice is for you and him to talk to a counselor together, so you can both learn what you should and should not know about his separation agreement. And, you both need to learn what he should keep private to “protect” you (which is really just him protecting himself), and what needs to be openly discussed.
Talk to a counselor. Even if you don’t go to couples counseling, I encourage you to talk to someone on your own, to gain insight and clarity into your relationship.
And, I don’t know if you two had time apart between your prior marriages and your relationship together, but….it can be important to fully detach and heal from one spouse before you move in with another. If he hasn’t moved on from his ex-wife, then he might need time and space to do that before he can focus on building a life with you.
I wish you all the best, and hope you and he talk to a counselor together.
Blessings,
Laurie
I have been with my partner just over a year. We are both separated from our spouses. He is very secretive about his communication with his ex-wife. He is not properly or legally separated yet despite being apart from her for 2 years. I recently discovered that he had met her secretly to talk over their separation agreement and they spent the night in a hotel but were not intimate. He felt it best not to tell me this at the time as he thought I would be upset. I am devastated by the secrecy and lies but do believe nothing happened between them. I feel like an outsider in our relationship and am not sure how to get over this betrayal and even if I actually can. I dont understand why he would feel the need to go to such lengths to keep their meeting secret if his motivation was innocent. Am trying very hard to move on but its very difficult. Any comments/help!?
First off, I’m a guy. So, from my perspective, I would let it go, don’t get mad with him…don’t give him a hard time. Look, he wants to be with you. Even if he said those things to the other girl, if he now wants to be with you, give him another chance. I think he will appreciate you more now.
I am very confused and not sure what to think with my marriage of 7 years right now. Over the last year my husband has had a friendship with another female. Her and her husband were family friends and we had them over to stay at our house a lot. My husband talked to her every day, sent text messages to her, skyped with her late at night, and shared very personal thoughts with her. He basically treated her like he used to treat me when we were dating. He said she was just like a sister to him, that they had a lot in common, and that there was nothing romantic about their relationship – that I was his wife and she was his friend. While they were friends, he was really trying to be a better husband to me – something that he has failed at quite a bit over our marriage. Even so, he told her things like “I love you” “You are beautiful and Wonderful” “I could sit with you and not say anything for hours” “Looking into your eyes fills me with joy” etc. He hid his phone, computer, deleted text messages, and skype conversations. He also took time off from work to take us to do things with her and her husband – time that he hasn’t taken off in years. He lied to me continuously about talking to her because he didn’t want to upset me but then also filled me in on all kinds of other things about when they talked.
It got to the point where I told him and her they could not talk and that I would leave if he ever talked to her again. He was very repentfull and he says that it was just a friendship and that he didn’t understand why his friend had to be a girl – that there wasn’t anything romantic going on. He has really tried to step things up here at home since, but still doesn’t treat me like he was treating her.
I am torn apart. I have trouble believing that he didn’t have romantic feelings for her. I have told him I think he has had an emotional affair, but he assures me that wasn’t what it was. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel dead inside.
Dear Mary,
Sometimes we don’t know what the right thing to do is until we actually DO it. That is, hindsight is 20/20….which means that we sometimes need to take action in order to learn what will work.
I can’t tell you if a divorce would be better for you and your family, but you have to remember that “staying together for the sake of the kids” can be as (or more) damaging for kids than separation or divorce. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, your daughter probably senses it. She doesn’t know why you’re unhappy, and she may even blame herself (because that’s what kids do).
Sometimes the benefits of divorce and seeking a better, happier life outweigh the negative effects. Yes, divorcing and starting over is stressful, traumatic, and difficult to bounce back from….but the alternative is staying the marriage you’re in right now. Your husband probably won’t change.
I just heard of a woman who divorced her husband, but they’re staying in the same home. They divorced amicably, but want and need to live together for the kids and finances.
I suggest you talk to a divorce mediator or counselor to start learning about the possibilities. This doesn’t mean you’ll ask for a divorce — and I’m not saying you SHOULD get one. But, I think it’s important to start taking tentative steps towards choices. Taking action — even just by making phone calls — is empowering and can help you see options you’re otherwise not aware of.
If you really want to stay with your husband for the sake of your daughter, then I suggest you find ways to live “above” your situation. Create a healthy lifestyle with lots of activities that make you happy. Find ways to live fully outside of your marriage. Build a strong spiritual life — reconnect with God or a higher power, anything that makes you feel strong, whole, and fulfilled.
Of course, another options is couples counseling!
I wish you courage, wisdom, and strength to not only know what the right thing to do is — but actually do it.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Paula,
I’m surprised that your marriage counselor hasn’t encouraged you and your husband to discuss his emotional affair! I’ve read “Why Men Cheat” and “The Truth About Cheating” by marriage counselor Gary Neuman, and I’m positive he suggests that spouses discuss the affair. He doesn’t say that spouses should share every little detail, but he encourages some disclosure. Of course, the amount and type of disclosure depends on the individual marriage…and it does help to have a couples therapist present, for guidance and support.
I suggest that you trust your gut. Don’t lose touch of what you really think and feel, and don’t let fear, insecurity, guilt, or embarrassment make you do things you wouldn’t otherwise do. Deep down, you may know what’s best for you and your marriage. You may know what you should do…but knowing what we should do and actually doing it are two different things!
Have you considered seeing a different marriage counselor? It’s important to “shop around” for the right therapist, just like we should be finding the right massage therapists, family doctors, chiropractors, etc. The first counselor you talk to may not be the best one for you…especially if you’re not comfortable about the way she or he is guiding your therapy.
Another thought is to seek individual counseling. You don’t necessarily need to see a therapist for weeks or months — sometimes all we need is a session or two to help us figure out what we really think and need.
Finally, I completely agree that it’s not appropriate for your husband to have friendships with other women…even if they’re totally innocent. If he can’t understand or respect your wishes, and you can’t convince him of the seriousness of how you feel, then you have to decide if you want to live with him and your marriage as it is right now. You need to decide if you can accept your life the way it is, with your husband the way he is. A different marriage counselor may help him see that he needs to save all his time and emotional energy for you…
I hope this helps a little, and I also hope you let me know how things are going!
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Dave,
I’m sorry to hear about your wife’s physical and emotional affair…it’s SO difficult to forgive and move on. Rebuilding trust after a betrayal takes 100% commitment — and once you forgive your wife, you may be able to reconnect with her.
Here’s an article I wrote for my new site (Quips and Tips for Love Relationships):
Ways to Rebuild Trust in Marriage After Infidelity
I hope it helps….
Blessings,
Laurie
I am very confused about what to do. I want to leave my husband. We have been married for almost 15 years and have been together for 20. When we were dating, everything was fine; he had his life, I had mine, and we enjoyed sharing time and experiences together…but with no expectations. Then we got married, mostly because of my guilt for being in a unmarried sexual relationship. It wasn’t like a typical relationship where we intended to be a great traditional “husband/wife” team; more of just a marriage of convinience. Don’t get me wrong, I very much love and care for him, just more of in a best friends, dont have to rely on you type way. I know I am very controlling, I like to be in control of my life, and he didnt mind so everything worked out. I am very ambitious and have goals and expectations for my life. Then 5 years ago I got pregnant. We had NEVER intended to have kids. She is beautiful and neither of us would give her up for anything. The problem is, when she was born, I obviously started to have expectations of him as a husband. He didnt see it that way and still doesn’t. Now I am stuck in a marriage where he stays at home and enjoys not working, taking care of his hobbies, and lets me work and pay the bills and supply him with everything. He had stopped working to take care of her so she didnt have to be in daycare from the time she was a newborn. That arrangement was supposed to last 2 years. Now she is in school full time but he still wont get a job. He says he is “going to” but racing season is about to start again (his hobby) and I don’t really see that happening if he wouldn’t go get one during the season break. He will help with the house work, grudgingly, and acts like everytime I open my mouth to ask him to do something or complain that he is not being a “husband” that I am just nagging or being and “emotional female” and ignores me.
Why do I stay? My daughter. He is not a great dad but he is her dad. I wouldn’t mind living under the same roof as him I just get sick to my stomach evertime someone refers to him as my husband or me as his wife. We have not had sex in almost a year and it makes me sick when he touches me or asks for sex. This relationship is not fair to him or me but I am afraid to divorce him since I am not sure we could get through it and remain friends enough to stay living under the same roof. I want him to get a job and I don’t want him to be able to claim me as his wife unless he starts earning that right. He says that I am being unresonable, that he has worked most of his life to support his previous relationships and that its his turn to be taken care of. I feel like his slave. I am very ambitious and have worked very hard for what I have. I feel cheated that what I have is at risk because I am having to deal with someone who wont carry his fair share of the responsibilities of life.
Is it unresonalbe to think that a divorce would help the situation? I don’t want to be in another relationship, I just am sick over being in this one. It goes completely against everything I believe about working hard in life to earn what you have. How can I be tied to someone who does nothing but leach off of me?
Hi:
I notice that my husband was very distant last summer and knew that something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. I never suspected that he would be unfaithful to me as he knew that my first marriage ended because of infidelity. I have been married to my husband for 8 years and we have been together for 14. We both were married previously and we are raising our three girls together (I had 1 and he had 2).
When I looked at his social network sites I noticed that there was a lot of communication between him and a particular woman. I then reviewed his cell phone records and saw that they were texting and talking many times daily. When I confronted him, he told me that it was all in my head and that he would not “give up” his friend.
On many occassions I tried to explain how he and his “friend” were making me feel. That he should have been calling or texting me during the workday not his “friend”. After catching him in repeated lies (like no I don’t talk to her anymore yet the phone records showed that they continued this relationship), I told him that he had to decide if he wanted our marriage or his friend. He agreed to go to marriage counseling and acknowledged that his friendship with this woman was inappropriate, but still maintains that he never saw her in person and the affair was never physical.
Since that time we have both made great efforts to rebuild our marriage. I have insisted on knowing if this woman contacts him (evern if he doesn’t speak to her or respond to her emails). I need total disclosure.
Our marriage counselor has never insisted on discussing his inappropriate relationship and indicates that if someone lies about something it is because they care enough to lie. This just doesn’t work for me. She thinks that I should be greatful that we are in counseling and working on our relationship, but I still need more information to be able to put his behind me.
About two months ago, I once again notice a lot of banter and commenting between my husband and a different woman on the internet. I told him that this relationship was giving me the same uneasy feeling that I had when he was corresponding and speaking to the first woman. He assured me that nothing was going on and that he completely understood how I felt. Unfortunately, he still keeps in contact with her and this is just not acceptable to me.
I know that I cannot make my husband do anything, but I expect him to understand that I have put through the ringer all so he could make himself feel good forming “frienships” online.
I feel like the ball is in my court and I must take some action, but I am not certain what I should do. I am not sure that I can live with my husband making me uncomfortable and having friendships even if “this one” is completely appropriate (as he says). I am being made to feel like this is my issue, not his.
I would appreciate any candid comments and/or advise as I am at a loss as to what I should do. I feel like we have the same discussion every so often and that nothing has really changed.
I found out my wife was cheating on me it built up from an a emotional to a physical affair. The physical lasted for about 2 months and the emotional for few months longer.
I just don’t know how I can keep her knowing what I know. We have a young daughter together and have been only married for about 21 months.
She regrets her mistake and is repenting and says she’ll never go back to that and that we was an outlet. How can I not think about what she did and bring her back to my house? Just every confused.
Thank you !! I will let you know what transpires from this!
Dear Karen,
I’m sorry to hear about your husband…that’s heartbreaking. It’s one of the biggest betrayals in marriage, and rebuilding trust — and deciding if you should stay married — doesn’t happen easily.
I can’t tell you if you should sacrifice your happiness for the stability of your kids…but you have to know that “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Your happiness or unhappiness will affect your whole family. So, I don’t think it’s as clear cut as staying married so you can raise happy kids in a loving home.
My best advice is for you and your husband to get marriage counseling. I think it’s good to give your marriage a chance to survive — but it’s so important to get help and support as you rebuild trust. Or, as you figure out if you should separate or even get a divorce.
Call a therapist, and talk it through with him or her. You may only need one or two sessions…I don’t know, but I encourage you to reach out for help in person. A therapist will help you see your marriage and kids more clearly.
I wish you all the best, and hope you come back and let me know how things are going…..
Blessings,
Laurie
Hello Laurie,
In “googling” surviving affairs your site came in and I started to read the articles and ultimately reading the comments. It surprised me to see how many people out there have the “same” story as me! I thought for sure I was the only one living this rollercoaster of emotions, my husband cheated on me with a co-worker for a couple of months before I found out about it. When I did and confronted him, he said it was a mistake, he wants to stay in this marriage and all the other excuses they bring it up. I decided to give him a chance, he continued to work at the same place but had told me that she was moved to another department and reassured me that we were fine. I found out a couple of months ago, that he went back to her just after 3 months that they were apart and had been with her ever since, totalling about 2 years with her. What really bothers me, is that he was all so loving at home, wonderful provider, wonderful father, great partner so I thought…..and to find this out really hurts me….because he got emotionally attached, thats all i can think of…..now hes begging for me to stay, hes beggin for marriage counseling…..and I am just destroyed….what do I do? How do I get past this….especially being the second time around…..one thing that I see thats so different about my story and others, is that I dont have a moment of the 6 years we been together that I can complain, its like he lives a double life, he has the married life and him with her! I dont get it!! We have 2 children, a 4 year old and a 2 year old, Should I sacrifice my happiness for the stability of my kids, where they are raised in a loving home with mom & dad around? I just cant find a way of trusting him…..i just dont see it!
My wife had internet affairs about 9 years ago. We are survivors. But recently I’m obsessing again and having flashbacks even though I’m absolutely sure nothing has happened anymore. I guess I’m traumatized. I’ve been told to talk to her even though I think now I am the one with a problem, not her.
Anyway, long story short I found out she was having affairs online and maybe for real (though I’m 70% sure that nothing ‘real’ happened) – I couldn’t find out because of how stupid I
was*. She was really careful and stopped everything so I did not get to know for sure if this was right. She kept saying this was it but I caught her in lies after lies so I obviously didn’t trust her anymore. I was able to crack down on all forms of communication and as far as I know nothing has happened since then. I told her if I found anything else we were history and I found nothing else. We did not have kids at the time.
A lot has happened since then. First the good news: we have two beautiful children and she has never done it again – as far as I know but I am pretty sure since I have a lot of control in what she does. Our life is as good as it could be.
The bad news is actually what happened to me till last year. I had become extremely cynical and numb to life. With the exception of my kids whom I love dearly everything else didn’t bring me too much happiness or sadness. It is really strange. I was (am?) in a point that the only reason I would care if she did it again would be because of our kids but not because of our ‘love’ – I actually did not care anymore. I don’t believe in love anymore and I don’t think I will ever love someone like I did (you know in an innocent soulmate-crap way
. I trust no one and I think humanity sucks 
I didn’t commemorate my birthday or our wedding anniversaries. I still buy flowers on valentines though I always feel like I’m just going through the motions. Even if I end up divorcing in the future (not likely now) I will never trust anyone the way I trusted her.
I guess that kind of brings the point of my post and I want your opinions. Now *I* have a problem and I’m starting counseling again. It’s too much time and it’s not fair to us (or to our family), not fair to me. I want to live life and be happy again, you know? Perhaps it’s possible.
Anyway, in a quick summary of all these years: first, I thought deep down that I would end up doing what she done to me just as a form of revenge. I never did it. During my worse moments I actually thought about trying it out and went online but I just could not do it. I am really glad I did not do anything like that. But I only use instant messaging nowadays for work and for the occasional
family buy milk discussion. This is also true for her – she does not have any online friends anymore only family and girl friends we know personally.
Facebook, twitter, they did not happen for us.
How did we do it? We know all our e-mail passwords and we both agreed to have a permanent software to record what we did online. We still have the agreement though in truth we do not have it installed for years now. But we still ask the other one to check our e-mail and look for something when on the road. We both have full control of our cell phone list and credit cards and bank accounts. Our life is transparent for both of us. Although she could still do it (or I for any reason) the price would be too high – our kids.
I am 39 now and I am looking forward to be happy again. Maybe I am just afraid of being hurt again. I am still angry with myself since I felt I was such a fool to think it could have never happened to us. It has been nine years and I am still angry with myself and with her. I want to change. I need to change.
We will celebrate our wedding anniversary for the first time since then in March this year. She’s been perfect since then, so there is hope for others in this scenario. On the other hand I would never thought it would take so long or that I would still have problems almost 10 years after the fact.
*I was really naive when I found out. Instead of keep it to myself and gather as much information as I could I immediately confronted her with something that was the tip of the iceberg. Then I’d ask what else she’d done she’d shay nothing. I kept finding more stuff down the road and asking her again what else and she said nothing
else. And that kept going on for some time. Spiral of lies, I called it
Also everything she had done ‘alone’ in the past was now under suspicious. Well, I guess this is also part of the ‘script’ of going through this nightmare.
I was so naive and that is the reason I am so angry with myself. When I found the tip of the iceberg – which was already unthinkable – I thought that was it – that MUST have been it. That is why I confronted her. I know better now – I trust no one but then again this makes life miserable. I have only one life and this is not how I want to spend mine.
Ann Landers said it best “If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you are married to a man who cheats on his wife”.
Roxy,
I know how you feel. My husband just said the same thing that its all talk and nothing happend. I know how it feels to not be confident anymore and like you did something wrong. You didn’t. I bet your an amazing person. I hope you and your husband work things out and Im sure he loves you very much. You are in my prayers. Just remember that its not going to get better right away. Its always hard to trust again after something like this happens. Im still trying to trust my husband. Its very hard. Keep smiling and I hope everything works out for you. Remember your not alone in this. Look at everyone who has written. We all are going through this together.
Sincerely,
Julie
Dear Roxy,
I know how difficult it is to rebuild your marriage after a physical or emotional affair — and I encourage you to think about seeing a couples counselor together. You don’t have to go for years or months even; sometimes even just a session or two can be incredibly helpful!
If you decide you want to save your marriage, then you need to put all thoughts and feelings of insecurity, distrust, suspicion, and fear behind you. This is really hard, which is why I encourage you to talk to a counselor. Reading books about infidelity are also very helpful, but an in-person counselor can help you deal with your own specific issues.
To save your marriage, you have to put the past behind you and focus on what you want your relationship to be like NOW. You’ll still struggle with fears and doubts and insecurities, but you need to stop obsessing about them. Rather, you need to concentrate on building a healthy marriage.
Like I said, this is easier said than done! Here are a couple articles that might help:
How to Trust Your Husband After an Affair
How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity
I wish you all the best as you rebuild your relationship…and I encourage you to read books about affairs together with your husband. You and he can save your marriage if you both really want to!
Blessings,
Laurie