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There Are 108 Responses So Far. »

Comment by Nancy on 23 May 2009:

I would like to know what is the best self-tanner on the market. I’ve tried so many and some give great results but then they really dry your skin out and then crack and it never looks the same, so you have to start all over. If there one without a “bronzer”, I like the kind that goes on clear and then develops. Thank you,
Comment by Laurie PK on 24 May 2009:

Thanks, Nancy, for asking this question – and I have to admit, I was skeptical when I first read it! I thought self-tanners were similar to tanning beds (which aren’t all that healthy). But I did the research and realized that self-tanners could be healthier than getting a natural tan!

The answer is here, in my article called All About Self-Tanners – Tanning Without Burning in the Sun.
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/health-wellness/self-tanners-tanning-without-burning-in-the-sun/

It answers your question about the best self-tanner on the market, but not the way you might expect…
Comment by Suzie on 30 May 2009:

I found my husband m*******ting while looking at a picture of my girlfriend. In the past, he has made comments about my girlfriend and my mother’s body parts. He has kept “girl” cartoons hidden from my sight.(He knows I know where he keeps them.) I’ve been diagnosed with adrenial fatigue and my weight has jumped from 135 to 210. My weight is now at 186 and I’m doing all I can to lose the pounds. My husband says I’m fat and he is turned off by my weight. I’ve tried to talk to my husband several times. (Not attacking him or trying to make him feel bad.) Just trying to get him to talk to me. For the last 15 years – when he get upset or angry, he yells at me. I don’t want to sound like a victim. It’s just that my heart hurts deeply. I’m not able to please my husband. I need to know how to deal. Please help. I’ve starting therapy. My husband refuses to go. Thank you
Comment by Laurie PK on 31 May 2009:

Suzie, my heart goes out to you – finding your husband like that would be devastating. And it’d be hard to look at your girlfriend without thinking of him, even though it’s not her fault!

I wrote this article with you in mind, called What To Do When He Doesn’t Love You Anymore (though I’m not saying your husband doesn’t love YOU – it just seemed like a title that would fit many situations):
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/what-to-do-when-he-doesnt-love-you-anymore/

And I also wanted to say “Good For You!” for tackling your weight and going to counseling! I’m reading this amazing book called The Skinny on Losing Weight Without Being Hungry by Dr Louis Aronne. I’ll share some of his tips later today and post the link here — he offers fabulous, easy to implement advice. It’s more than dieting.

I think your husband wouldn’t be happy even if you weighed 120 pounds, were drop dead gorgeous, and did everything you could to please him. Some men are impossible to please — and even young, gorgeous, thin women get cheated on!

The problem isn’t you….it’s him. You can’t fix him, and he’s not willing to change. This means you stay with him the way he is (like you’ve been doing for the past 15 years) or leave. Wow, it sounds so harsh — but I think your counselor will help you decide what the best thing to do is.

Please read the article I wrote, and let me know what you think and how you are!

Laurie
Comment by Connie on 8 July 2009:

I have been in this relationship for 5 years. We were both previously married for over 25 years. We dated for 2.5 years and moved in for the last 2.5 years. This is the problem. It seems every time we disagree on just about anything I get accused of cheating. Let’s make it pefectly clear: I have never cheated in this relationship physically or emotionally. Although I know he has emotionally cheated on me at least 2 times. I know this because when I call him on the behaviour and it stops. In him previous marriage his spouse had many affairs. I know he has trust issues because of this. My questions is this: can the cycle be broken? I’m getting really tired of being the one that gets accused of things I don’t do.
Comment by saminia on 8 July 2009:

There is a guy who showed interest in me, he comes to talk to me when he sees me in university, always looks at me and smiles when he is with friends ( which most of the time he is with them) but he didnt ask me for my number. I thought he fears rejection and since it was the last day in college, and I will not get chance to see him again, i then decided to ask him for help to look for a place for my brother (just to get his number, I didn’t want it to look obvious I want to be with him) He asked me for my number instead and said we will keep in touch.He rang me the same day .I didnt keep the conversation going I was nervous. We talked a bit and he told me he would like to hear from me and that I should not prolong my absence.I also then reminded him of the help I asked him and he said he will ask his friends for info.I saw him the next day I was with a friend i wasnt looking very nice so i was just smiling to him and he was smiling but i didnt stop to chat with him ( he was coming toward us). After 9 days i rang him he said he didnt talk to me when he saw me in town because i was with my friend and he didnt want to embarass me i told him its o.k . I kept the conversation going this time teased him , laugh at his jokes .I asked him if he have news of a place and he said no (I just asked him any news and he thought I am asking about the place for my brother i asked him find)I then told him it was nice talking to you and let me hear from you and he said sure. He didnt call me and after 2 weeks i saw him in town we started talking and he asked me if he didnt embarass me wen he saw me with my friend by coming towards me and smiling i said not at all . He said he is confused about it and he just doesn’t want to embarass me when I am with friends. We talked and he said i would like to keep in touch with you and know you better but I am not sure if its o.k with you or not. I told him its o.k with me .Its 2 weeks now and he hasnt called me. I am really confused with his behaviour. I don’t understand him. What should I do? Please advice.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 8 July 2009:

Good question, Connie: “Can this cycle be broken?”

It depends on how aware your partner is of his own distrust of you. Does he really believe — in his heart — that you’re cheating? If he truly believes that you’re not being faithful and he’s not willing to figure out where his distrust is really coming from, then no…I don’t think the cycle can be broken.

If you could convince him of your innocence, he’d already believe and trust you! To break any relationship cycle, both partners have to be aware of how they’re contributing to it.

Another way to tackle this relationship problem is to help him see where arguments get derailed. You said that when you have disagreements, he accuses you of cheating. It might help him to learn to stay focused on the subject of your disagreement — not veer off into the possiblity of you cheating.

What about going for couples counseling? That might help with his trust issues. Or, at least read books together about building healthy relationships and heal after being betrayed (it sounds like he’s bringing his past experience into his relationship with you).

Laurie
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 8 July 2009:

Hi Saminia,

I know exactly how you feel — I’ve been there many times!

But I don’t think I’ve met guys who have such low self-confidence. Why would he think he’d embarrass you by talking to you?

If you don’t want to call him again, then you’ve no choice but to wait for him to call you. He might not be able to…he might feel too insecure. And, you need to ask yourself if you want to date a guy who acts in such a confusing way. He’s not likely to suddenly get assertive — he might need you to lead the relationship.

I don’t know what’s going on in his head, but you need to figure out if this behavior is something you can tolerate for a long, long time — because he’s not likely to change!

In the meantime, I suggest that you:

- focus on doing things you love: enjoying the summer, hanging out with your friends, watching movies, and planning your future — I don’t know what lights your fire — but do things that make you happy!

- stop obsessing about what you should do about him. Direct your energy to valuable things.

Good luck — and focus on living an exciting life with or without him!

Laurie
Comment by Cheryl on 10 July 2009:

Laurie,

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. During this time, he has cheated on me with 4 different women that I know of. Two of these were emotional infidelity. One was an actual affair and one I’m not really sure of. Each time, I have forgiven him, but they have caused me to not trust him at all. Is this marriage over?
Comment by Laurie PK on 10 July 2009:

Cheryl, you and your husband are the only people who can say if your marriage is over! For some couples, affairs mean immediate divorce – before those cheatin’ bedsheets have even cooled. But other couples stay together even though one partner has cheated, or keeps cheating. Couples make different choices for different reasons.

Actually — I take it back when I said that “you and your husband are the only people who can say if your marriage is over.” I should have said that YOU are the only person who can say it’s over!

Do you want to stay with a man who cheats on you? Can you live in a marriage with a husband you can’t trust? Do you want to learn to trust him again? And finally — is he repentant? How does he justify cheating on you multiple times?

If it were my marriage, it’d be over…..but everyone is different. You may have your reasons for staying. Just make sure you’re not staying out of fear, lack of self-respect, habit, weakness, or low self-esteem.

If you want to stay in your marriage, get thee to marriage counseling — COUPLES marriage counseling. Learn how to trust him again (it won’t happen overnight), and insist that he figure out why he keeps cheating on you.

By the way, you inspired me to write this post, “7 Ways to Tell if Your Marriage is Over”:

http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/7-ways-to-tell-if-your-marriage-is-over/

Good luck, and let me know what you think of all this…

Laurie
Comment by Janie on 15 July 2009:

I have been dating this guy for 7 months now. Before he dated me, he was in a long term relationship for two years then went from that relationship directly to another one for a few weeks. Then he started to date me. We have been going pretty steady and strong until about 2 months ago. He had been acting really strange and texting alot (and not to me). When I would ask what is wrong he would say that everything is fine. Then one day I get an myspace message from someone I don’t know telling me to check his phone and that he’s not being faithful. For two and half months he had been texting his ex from his long term relationship. She had sent pics her herself naked, they talked about secretly meeting and hooking up and how much he missed her and how he doubting that being with me was for the best. I got really upset about it, but forgave him. I still have a hard time trusting him and it’s not been easy. Just this past weekend the other ex came into town to visit. He spent practically all weekend with her, often times by themselves (from 7 Saturday night till 10 Sunday night). They have still been texting about how great their time was and how much they will miss each other. And he is still text the first ex, just not as much.
I told him how it made me feel (like I wasn’t good enough and that he put them before me) and how uncomfortable I was with it. He managed to try and turn it around on me. I just am having such a hard time trusting him, especially when he won’t let go of his ex’s. What should I do?
Comment by Laurie PK on 15 July 2009:

You should break up with him, Janie. Why are you staying with a guy who hangs out with other women, doesn’t respect how you feel, and isn’t trustworthy?

Here’s a great exercise — you can do it here, in your journal or a scrap piece of paper:

First, write down the reasons you should stay with him (not just why you WANT to stay with him, but why you SHOULD stay with him). List the ways your relationship is lifting you up, helping you achieve your life goals, and making you feel better about yourself. Write down all the wonderful things you love about your relationship — the reasons you stay with him.

Then, write the reasons you should break up with him. How does he make you feel about yourself? What effect is he having on your other friendships, life goals, family, health, ability to enjoy life, etc? How will your life, self-respect, self-esteem, and experiences change for the better if he’s not part of your life?

Keep these lists. You may not be ready to break up with him right now, and that’s okay. But sooner or later he’ll cheat on you physically, or you’ll get tired of being treated like dirt, and you’ll leave him. (and I’ll cheer!).

If you do break up, you’ll get sad, scared, and anxious that you’re alone. When you miss him so much your heart is breaking, take out your lists. Focus on why you left him, how he made you feel, and his lack of respect for you. Doing that will help you survive your heartache.

There. That’s what I think you should do! What do you think you should do?

Laurie
Comment by Sharri on 17 July 2009:

Dear Laurie

I have a personal, pressing problem regarding someone close in the family. Her husband is out of work. He is an artist by nature and is now making a living selling artwork. It does not bring in enough money for food, education, no medical aid etc etc. He also drinks each weekend as it is his right, so he says. My problem is that he should look for a permanent job, albeit at a lower salary if need be and the painting could be as a bonus to make up the shortfall.

We, the family are constantly having to fill in financially the shortfall and it is starting to take its toll on all of us financially, emotionally and physically. Every time there is a crisis and it makes one feel that one must not visit, contact and rather stay away so that you are’nt forced to be aware what is happening in their home. The children seem fine and do not seem to be concerned. I cannot understand that. There is much turmoil in that home. The family member concerned is being treated for major depression by the state hospital (no medical aid) and one is scared to say anything which makes sense and reason (afraid they will have a setback and you will get the blame).

It is so difficult to see the bigger picture when something is wrong within one’s own family. They are sinking deeper in poverty and their value system seems to be breaking down. They do and think silly things that a normal minded person wont do and they think it is alright. I want to correct them but I know it will be the end of a relationship and I know that I will no longer be an unwilling helper in their situation should they not be prepared to listen and try to help themselves. They have no plan, just live day for day. It is frightening in this economic climate we are in. I am afraid of being dragged into the poorhouse with them if I have to continue helping. It is eating into our savings with no return after we have sacrificed and gone without to be in a secure position.

What do you advise? P.S. They do live in a poor area, but they have a better and bigger TV, Appliances etc etc to what we have. This makes helping more hurtful.

Sharri
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 17 July 2009:

Hi Sharri, I started answering your question in this comments form, and quickly realized that it’s worth a full article! So I wrote “6 Ways to Help Loved Ones Who Are Struggling Financially” — here’s the link:

http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/home/6-ways-to-help-loved-ones-who-are-struggling-financially/

They have to be able to help themselves. You can’t keep supporting them financially and emotionally — you’ll be sucked dry! In the article, I offer ways to give them a “hand up, not a hand out”, which will help them dig themselves out of the mess they’re in.

It’s especially difficult when there are kids involved…but I think you have to set your boundaries and stick to them.

I agree that he should get a job that pays the bills, and do his art on the side. We’d ALL love to pursue our passions, but we all have bills to pay, families to feed, and responsibilities to take care of!

Anyway, I’ve shared all my thoughts in the article — I hope it helps, and I welcome your comments on it!

Laurie
Comment by Sharri on 27 July 2009:

Dear Laurie

My best friend has been badly behaving her whole life. She got married at a a young age to a man 13 yrs older who was well established.However being young she did not realise what an anti -nuptial contract meant. They had a child and within 3 months she left him for someone else, claiming maintenance for herself and the child and she was working. He fought and got full custody and she got visitation rights. Well, she changed jobs, mved on to the next guy and the next until she found someone to marry her. Problem is, her ex child wants contact and she does not know what to say to her child why she neglected him, why she abandoned him, why she had no contact, why she forgot about him (nobody, friends knew except her immediate family) and went about her life as if he were never born. She wants people to feel sorry for her but I feel she is a loser who wanted relationships with many different men all the time and each time she was married, divorced within a few months, citing their faults so that she could claim maintenance and half their property rights. That is what she did while her child grew up without the love and affection of a mother.

What do you say to such a person who seems to think they have done no wrong?

Sharri
Comment by Laurie PK on 27 July 2009:

Hi Sharri,

A bunch of things of spring to mind about your question! First, your friend isn’t likely going to change after all this time, so there’s little you can say or do. She’s living her life the way she sees fit. You might gently suggest that her child would benefit from knowing what was happening in her life and why she left…but she might not be able to put her kid’s needs before her own. That’s who she is.

Second, you have to decide if the benefits of your friendship with her outweigh the negative things you see in her life. Is she a good friend, and do you respect her other choices? (You called her a loser, which makes me wonder if she’s done other things “wrong”).

Your comment and question inspired me to write an article for my See Jane Soar website, called “Coping With Toxic Female Friendships”! Here’s the link:

http://seejanesoar.theadventurouswriter.com/coping-with-toxic-female-friendships-joan-baez/

If she’s a toxic friend, then you might want to limit or eliminate contact with her. But if she’s a good friend who’s made some bad choices, then I suggest letting her live her life the way she wants. Be there for her, support her, and be honest about how you feel without judging her.

Good luck, Sharri!

Laurie
Comment by Megan on 28 July 2009:

Dear Laurie,
About five years ago my eldest sister (there’s an eight year gap between us) dropped out of college due to an emotional breakdown. We found out six months later that she had had a baby and given it up for adoption. The father knew nothing of this and decided he wanted his child. They managed to get their daughter back (who was with foster parents that planned on adopting her) and soon after got married. I don’t believe she loves him, I think she married him because of their child. Our relationship through all of this was about the same as it had always been, we weren’t best friends due to the major age gap but we would still talk and catch up with each other from time to time. Last year I started my first year at college, I hadn’t seen her for a few months so my family planned a visit. I brought along my new boyfriend and not only did she not speak to him, but she didn’t speak to me. I was really hurt, especially since she didn’t even ask how college was going, but I let it go. Unfortunately this was not an accident, because it’s continued to happen for the past year. She doesn’t speak to me or my boyfriend, she didn’t acknowledge our engagement, and as if it weren’t bad enough she insults us (and our mother) to my other sister. We grew up in a broken home and have not sustained any sort of relationship with our father, I don’t want to lose another family member, but I will not allow her behavior to go unnoticed. I de-friended her on facebook, hoping that would be a wake-up call, but she’s used it as more fuel to be mean and insult me. She did the same thing to my other sister’s boyfriend, she wouldn’t even let her daughter be the flower girl at their wedding. I love her daughter, she’s a very special little girl, but I cannot stand being treated so poorly every time I’m at her house. What should I do?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 28 July 2009:

Hi Megan,

I have good news and I have bad news!

The good news is that you and your boyfriend are not the cause of your sister’s behavior or attitude. You haven’t done anything wrong. This knowledge should motivate you to shake off feelings of guilt, frustration, or responsibility. You’re free to limit or eliminate contact without feeling like you’re damaging the family (her behavior has already done that).

The bad news is that there’s little you can do to change how she treats you, especially in her house. Other than telling her that you feel sad and hurt when she insults you or ignores your boyfriend, you can’t change her patterns of behavior. She’s dealing with her own issues, and taking her pain out on you all.

Have you — or anyone — told her how her behavior makes you feel? I’m not suggesting you say “You insult us all the time, you don’t care about our feelings, and you can’t treat us this way.” Rather, it might be more helpful to say, “I feel ____ (sad? scared? angry?) when you ignore my boyfriend or insult me. I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t keep you in my life if I keep feeling this way.”

Be honest with her; if she’s not willing to hear you, then you have to decide if you can tolerate her the way she is or if you should limit contact. She might need a more direct discussion than de-friending her on Facebook. You could write her a letter or email if talking in person is too nerve-wracking.

By the way, I just wrote an article called “Coping With Toxic Female Friendships” on my See Jane Soar website. Here’s the link — it might help you decide if you should limit contact:

http://seejanesoar.theadventurouswriter.com/coping-with-toxic-female-friendships-joan-baez/

I hope this helps a little. If she won’t meet you halfway in terms of creating a better relationship, then you need not feel guilty letting her go. It’s sad, especially since you don’t want to lose more family members….but you can’t keep people in your life if they’re bad for you. Not even blood ties are worth that.

Good luck,
Laurie
Comment by Momo on 6 August 2009:

Dear Laurie,

its been 1 month since i last heard from my boyfriend. if i call he doesnt answer, 2 weeks ago he sent a msg saying that he needs time to think. am not sure what this means. do you think he wants to break up?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 6 August 2009:

Well, Momo, it’s hard to answer that!

I suggest you get on with your life. Give him space. Give him time to think. Don’t call, text, email, or contact him via Facebook or Twitter whatever else — just give him the breathing room he’s asked for.

Not only are you much more attractive if you’ve created your own life apart from him, you’ll be happier and healthier.

So, make plans with your friends. Get out of town for a night or the weekend (or even a full-fledged 2 week vacation!). Take a belly dancing class. Learn how to turn your hobby into a money making career. Whatever you’re interested in — do it!

If your boyfriend doesn’t contact you in a couple of months, then you have your answer….he might be ready to break up. But — it’s important that you let him make the first move.

Good luck — and try to enjoy yourself! Do fun things, hang out with fun people

Laurie
Comment by Sean on 12 August 2009:

I am horribly conflicted about a relationship.

My best friend is a former GF/occasional s*x buddy. Parts of me still loves her, but I know that we aren’t meant to be BF/GF. I want to be her BF, but she is not looking for that…

Now, she tells me that she is looking for a BF, and I am not dealing with this idea well at all. I am afraid that our friendship is going to die…as well as knowing that she is looking for someone to satisfy a need that I could not.

She says that she wants to keep me as a friend…but I am afraid that my conflicting feelings are going to destroy this…as well as being afraid that if this new guy becomes the BF, that he will tell her “It’s him or me.” and that I will be gone.

I am at tears about losing her…yet I don’t know what to say or do to deal with this.
Comment by Vicki on 13 August 2009:

Sean

I wanted to add my own advice to this problem. Before my current partner, I used to hang out with my brother and his friends. I was really good friends with Chris, and we used to hang out together all the time. We also ended up sleeping together, and also went out as boyfriend/girlfriend for a while. During the times when we were not together, he would go out looking for a girlfriend, and had several girlfriends whilst I was secretly pining for him.
I let him know how I felt, and got a mixed reaction. One day it would seem like he felt the same way (liked me back in that way) and other days he would ignore me or just speak to me as a friend. It tore me apart when he got into a serious relationship, but I realised after 2 1/2 years that there was nothing more to us than just being friends. I took up my own hobbies and did things which were different to what me and Chris used to do together – whether going to the cinema with different friends, or going to a different nightclub on the weekends.
In the end it did unfortunately work out that we stopped talking, this was due to his new girlfriend causing problems between me and Chris and also other shared friends in the group. I used to get so jealous of her, and used to flirt with Chris in the hope he would see that maybe he should be with me instead. In the end Chris and his girlfriend got married (she was pregnant). It hurt so much, but that was the closure I needed. It took months to get over the knowledge that not only would we not be together again, but that we would not speak again. In reality it worked out well for myself, as I met new people and made new friends, and met a wonderful guy out of it.

I dont know what your history is with your friend, and cannot judge on how good a friendship you have together, but you need to focus on yourself and either try to be happy for her or if you know there is no chance you two will ever be a couple again then you need to let go. It is extremely upsetting to think about all of this, and I was hurting for months until I got the closure I needed. It is a hard time, I’ve been there, but in time it will get better. Whether you stay friends or drift apart just make sure you take time out for yourself. Good luck with this Sean.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 August 2009:

Hi Sean,

Vicki offered some great advice — there’s not much I can add!

One of the saddest, hardest parts of life is realizing how little control we sometimes have over what happens to us. Don’t get me wrong — I’m all about empowering people to achieve their goals — but sometimes we just have to let people and things go. We just have to accept that whatever happens, happens…and all we can do is try to bounce back and not let it wreck our lives or make us bitter.

If it’s too painful to remain friends with her while she looks for a new boyfriend, then you might have to set some limits on how often you see her.

And, remember that friendships go through all sorts of stages. Sometimes friendships die, but other times friends just drift apart for awhile, then reunite. This may just be an “apart” stage for your and your friend…who knows what could happen in the future!

I wish you all the best,

Laurie
Comment by David on 19 August 2009:

How do you know when you are in love with someone verses chasing for someone? what are the feelings like? I think I’m in love or maybe just lust.
Comment by Sam on 19 August 2009:

I want to forget my past, how do I forget?
Comment by Laurie PK on 22 August 2009:

Hi David,

That’s a great question!

I’ve tried to answer it here, in “Love or Infatuation? 5 Ways to Tell If It Could Be True Love.”

http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/love-or-infatuation-5-ways-to-tell-if-it-could-be-true-love/

I hope it helps; I welcome further comments or questions.

Laurie
Comment by Laurie PK on 22 August 2009:

Hi Sam,

I’m not exactly sure what you’re asking, but I don’t think you can just “forget your past.” You need to deal with it in some way, resolve it somehow.

How you resolve it depends on what exactly you’re trying to forget! For instance, if you want to forget that you hurt someone somehow or made a bad choice, then that’s different than if someone hurt or betrayed you.

If you’d like to narrow your question down a little more, I’d be happy to tackle it. As it is…I’m not sure what to say.

Sorry I can’t be more helpful.

Laurie
Comment by jame on 23 August 2009:

Dear Laurie PK,

I have a partner once in my life for 3 years. He dumped me for a reason that i was over protective. We talked and i apologized and he never leaves any comment on that. To date we are still seeing each other. knowing the fact that he has 2 long distance ralationships. I was the who still there for him trying to rekindle the lossed intimacy of the relationship. Helping him in his personal problem in terms of finacial knowing that i can be his night of shinning armor so to speak. I know he is always in contact with the 2 everyday. Up to now, I am still love him so much (he is my boss actually). I am trying to move on and let him go but if i am trying to move on and avoiding any contact or call him, he will make moves or call me. He will get mad at me. For now, I am trying my best to give what he wants and trying not to expect anything in return. He told me that what he can offer is friends, more than friends ( guess friends with benefits). What should i do? shall i find another job, stay in same company and be with hm for the rest of my life? Please help me… I don’t know what to do..thank you…jame
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 August 2009:

Hi Jame,

Well, it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend/boss is very attentive to your needs! It’s not a healthy, committed relationship if you’re always trying to give him what he needs, and you don’t have any expectations of him.

Of course he doesn’t want to let you go; you make his life wonderful and you cater to his needs! He’d be a fool to let you go.

But, are you a fool for staying in a relationship like this?

You need to figure out if you’re willing to stay in this relationship — and this job — the way it is right now. If you can live with it, if this is making you happy, then you have your answer. But, if you’re unhappy (and I suspect you are, because you’re here), then I suggest you quit the job and stay away from that man.

Here are a couple articles that might help. Nothing will make this painless, my friend, but the best decisions in life are often the most difficult ones.

How to Let Go of Someone You Love

Tips for Getting Over Addictive Relationships

Whatever decision you make, I urge you to stick with it for at least six months. Give yourself time to heal, to move on.

Good luck — and I invite you to ask questions or comments on either of those articles.

Also, my heart goes out to you. You love him, and he’s not treating you well at all….I’m sorry. You deserve to be treated much better than that!

Laurie
Comment by Bill on 31 August 2009:

In your article The Physical Effects of Child Abuse, you said:

“Though the effects of physical child abuse can extend to adulthood, it doesn’t have to overshadow your dreams and goals”.

I am sorry but your above statement is absolute concrete proof that you have no idea of the scope of what happens to “abused” or more correctly TORTURED children. I was horribly brutally almost beaten to death at age 4 (and endured childhood torture), it is NOT something you have control over it controls you, end of discussion. Let me ask you this question, have you ever been to a funeral, I am sure you have. PTSD is like having a dead body with you when you go to sleep in your bed and it is there with you when you wake up. I am sure you must have in depth knowledge of many topics but please leave this important one up to those more qualified to comment. It’s like expecting an amputee to run at the pace of a young athlete, they can run but NEVER as well as if they had 2 legs, one leg will always be missing. Think about what I just said, it makes sense. Putting unrealistic demands on adult survivors of child torture only compounds the problem and is a form of denial. Please take a moment and think about all of the children in war torn countries that would be included in your above umbrella statement. I am not trying to be mean or antagonistic, just honest. Have a fine day.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 1 September 2009:

Bill,

That’s terrible — I’m very sorry for what happened to you. You’re right that my statement does not apply to people who have suffered as you have.

I appreciate your honesty.

Laurie
Comment by Keira on 24 September 2009:

Hi Laurie

So glad to have found your great website.

I would be very grateful if you could advise me.

The past year I have been reading a few self help books with regards to relationships with parents. Have learnt quite a lot & been implementing the changes as I had been feeling something wasn’t right with my Mother & my relationship . This has been quite a challenging time & I have remained as focused & positive as I can(apart from some emotional moments)
My partner of 16 years parents visit a couple of times a year, they live a few hours away. I don’t mean to judge but to give you an idea his father is a very controlling man & makes passive rude comments to me. I’m no angel(ha ha!) but feel I’m polite, respectful & make effort with food & drinks etc when they come, never forget special occasions & always make sure they receive cards & gifts.
Finding that when they are visiting I’m getting quite anxious about it before no matter how many positive affirmations,relaxation methods tried, as I know how the atmosphere is going to be. They have just visited and feel like I’ve gone in to meltdown after as it’s caused tension & arguments with my partner as I feel he should address his Father in a calm assertive manner when he plays up(partner is a calm & happy man) Sure you guessed it he won’t! & is quite oblivious to it. He notices the negative vibe & he feels that it will be causing a drama etc & I’m just feeding the negative of the situation & that I should just deal with them when they are here. Also suggesting that I need counselling as I have been emotional & sensitive about it. Think the emotions are from feeling hurt & that he won’t deal with it.
Sorry to ramble on, do you think I’m wrong from what I have learnt to be in a place where as an adult (We’re 35) we should say something. Partner just says ‘they do his head in’ & just deals with them when he has to. Just finding myself not wanting to be around it all. Understand that men are not as emotionaly involved as we are. Do you think I’m being selfish & over emotional?
Thanks for your time & help. Hope you are well.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 25 September 2009:

Hi Keira,

Thanks for sharing this part of your life — and I hope you’re well, too!

Regarding your partner’s parents: what are your expectations of them? That is, how are they failing to meet your expectations? Think about that for awhile: how are they not what you want them to be? You don’t have to answer here, just sort out in your own head how you want them to be different.

Secondly, what do you think are the chances they will change to be who you want them to be? And, who will change them?

If change is necessary, I believe the best person to “stand up to” a partner’s parents is the partner. And, that person should stand up to his parents if the parents are mistreating his loved ones in any way.

Another question is: are you being mistreated, or are you overly sensitive? (like you asked!)

I don’t know the answer to that, but I am a BIG believer in counseling. I was in counseling for a year — and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I’m very impressed that your partner suggested counseling, and I think you should take him up on it. A counselor can help you sort through the question of whether you’re overreacting or if there is something amiss with your partner’s parents.

Remember that changing other people — whether it’s changing the way your partner’s parents behave two times a year when they visit or changing your partner’s attitude towards his parents — is exceedingly difficult. Some would say impossible. The only person you can change is yourself…and 99% of the time, that’s the simplest, most effective, healthiest solution.

Changing the way you see and cope with life and people is far healthier and more effective than trying to change (or control) other people.

Just some stuff to think about — I’d love to hear your thoughts, after you’ve had a chance to digest this!

All best,
Laurie
Comment by Keira on 28 September 2009:

Hi Laurie

Thank you so much for your honest reply & reality check for me!

Looking back over my message & your reply, I realise I’m coming across as controlling as well, which isn’t like me.(moments of frustration- sorry)

I’m normally very empathetic towards people & their situations, life experiences, generational differences etc. And usually have the frame of mind that we can’t change people & only ourselves & to accept others as they are.

I think I know(thanks to you)where my expectations are & where I’m going wrong with it all. Our parents are quite pessimistic & do seem to feel better about themselves once they have ‘offloaded’ on us, including rude comments to me(I feel a case of ‘double standards’ now as I’m doing the same to you with the ‘offloading’). I understand it’s their frustrations & unhappiness.

I’m of the thinking that you let your children live their lives & encourage their happiness & success & enjoy the time you do spend together(I know I can’t change them only myself).

My partner says I’m usually the calmest, positive, person he knows.I know my tolerance for the negativity has been weak & I’ve been trying to distance myself. I thought I was resolving it on my own. Been struggling with the guilt of putting myself first I think.

My emotions have been all over the place, again thanks for your advice, some therapy/counceling will help. I’ve spoken to my partner about going for counceling, he now seems upset that I need it.(I understand he is trying to help me be stronger on my own, as I usually am).

Reading over your blogs has been an inspiration to keep working on myself. I love your quotes on ‘perfectionism’ & inner critic. Will definitely invest in Gini’s book.

I’m truly thankful for your insight & advice & wish you continued success in your career.
I look forward to your future blogs.

Keira
Comment by Holli on 28 September 2009:

When I first started dating my boyfriend, he was “best friends” with an ex-girlfriend. However, he didn’t consider her an ex, because, although they had sex and were emotionally available to each other, she’d refused to embark on an “official” relationship with him. Their physical relationship ended just over a month before our first date, and he assured me that they were “just” best friends and that he in no way wanted a romantic relationship with her anymore. She was also dating someone else.

I tried to be supportive of his relationship with her, as I do believe men and women can be friends, and have several close male friends of my own. His ex immediately began to befriend me over Facebook, sending me daily letters of over 1,000 words. At first I thought it was odd, but eventually I was flattered by her attention and convinced myself I was making a new friend.

There were warning signs that my new bf was way too close to his ex and vice-versa, but I was afraid of seeming jealous, so I ignored them at first. They called and texted each other constantly; posted lovey-dovey messages on each other’s Facebook walls; saw each other at least once a week, and always until midnight or later. I had to ask my bf not to reveal intimate details about our relationship to his ex, as he felt it was okay to tell her everything. Whenever they got together, it was at his place, where they ate pizza and talked all night.

Finally, I got sick with the flu and he spent five days at my place taking care of me. During that time, he was unavailable to her, and she completely freaked out, calling his work, posting messages on my Facebook wall, etc. I told my bf that his relationship with his ex was inappropriate, and that they were way too dependent on each other. He refused to see it at first, but after leaving me at 4 a.m. to see her off at the airport, finally recognized that their relationship was unhealthy.

He told her to back off, but she resented not having him at her beck-and-call any longer. Things finally went too far, and he ended their friendship. They haven’t communicated since mid-July. He’s since apologized for hurting me so badly, and has done everything he can to make amends. He’s said that she can’t hold a candle to me, that he recognizes she was keeping him from having a healthy relationship with me, and that he’d make the same choice all over again – he just wishes he’d recognized the problem sooner.

To make matters worse, while she was pretending to be my friend, she was actually badmouthing me to a mutual friend, and blaming me for all my bf’s problems at work. So I felt doubly betrayed and like a total fool for letting her into my life.

My difficulty is that I can’t seem to get over it. My bf is a good man, and he’s been very patient with me, but I don’t want to keep rubbing his face in this, even if he’ll tolerate it. I’m still so hurt and angry. Is there any way I can get past this without resorting to counselling?

Help!
Comment by Maggie on 10 October 2009:

Hello Laurie, I’m so glad to have found your website,it has been soo helpful to me I have a few questions for you which I’d love if you can answer.I’ve been broken up with my ex boyfriend now for three months and a half. We had no contact what so ever since our breakup..I’d like to contact him soon though to see how he’s doing and congratulate him on some good news I heard.. but I don’t know if it would be a good idea?just because one of the reasons we had to break it off dealt with needing some space. what do you think would be the better idea?
I thought I was moving on quite well but i’m beginning to miss him the more I hear and think about him..It feels like I’m back to the first stages of a breakup all over again and I haven’t healed as much as I thought I did.I think since he was my first lover,I find it difficult to move on.I feel I should move on but I’m too emotionally attached to him still.The one main reason that keeps me from moving on is that fact that he gave me hopes of the future together by always saying things along the lines of he promises me i’d be the one he’d marry no matter what..he’ll make it happen no matter what it takes..&etc. I’m worried he’s just saying that and he’ll move on without me while I’m here left with nothing but an empty heart.If i move on,find someone else,I feel it won’t ever be true love because ill still always have those feelings for my ex. I believe everything does happen for a reason..so do u think its just better to forget the past and move on with my life and whatever happens happens? I’d really appreciate it if you can help me out with this confusion of mine please..thank you
Comment by Sharri on 13 October 2009:

Dear Laurie
My best friend has just become a Cougar or has always been. I am so disappointed in her lack of morals. She is 42yrs and the toyboy is 24yrs. She has been married a few times before, always ending because of her affairs yet she blames the husbands, boyfriends and never says it is because she was having affairs. I suspect now that I know the truth it has always been younger men. I think it is so wrong for an older women to mess up a young man’s life as it is never permanent. The minute the young man no longer dances to her tune she trades him in for another. I would think that by the time the younger man finds true love with someone closes to his own age and is ready to settle down he is already mentally and emotionally damaged due to older woman’s behaviour. I have asked my cougar friend if she would allow her son who is 20 yrs if he could go out with a woman of her age. She said No! She thinks it is unacceptable for her son to go out with an older woman yet she sees nothing wrong with going out with other mothers young sons. How do I get some sense in to her? I might have to break up our friendship because I do not like double standards and have a higher moral code than she does. I think I felt sorry for her in the past but now she is extreme and I no longer want to associate with a female like that as I too have got sons early twenties and feel I have to protect them just in case she sets her sights on mine. Am I correct to think this way?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 October 2009:

Hi Maggie,

I’m sorry you and your boyfriend broke up — and I’m especially sorry that you’re having so much trouble getting over him! It’s difficult to survive heartbreak.

No, I don’t think you should contact him. I think you should give him (and yourself) time and space to heal. Three months isn’t very long, and you can’t expect to think about falling in love with someone new just yet.

Also, it’s common for people in love to make promises about the future, which they may not necessarily be able to keep (such as your boyfriend saying you’ll be the one he marries no matter what!). People say things when they’re in love…and sometimes those things don’t come true.

Yes, I think you should forget the past and move on with your life. Maybe you and he will get back together, maybe not…but you can’t wait for something that COULD happen. You need to move forward, my friend.

Have you read my article about letting go of someone you love? I suggest reading the comments as well; there’s lots of wise advice from readers about losing people they love, and healing.

Here’s the link:

How to Let Go of Someone You Love

I hope this helps!

Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 14 October 2009:

Hi Sharri,

I hope you’re doing well! Nice to hear from you again

Regarding your friend who is dating younger men: I don’t think you can convince her that she’s doing anything wrong. She does have a double standard (not wanting her son to date an older woman, yet she does it herself), but it doesn’t seem to matter to her. And, you can’t make it matter to her!

I think you should either accept her the way she is — affairs, younger men, one partner after another — or limit your contact with her. If you decide to let her go, you might tell her that you don’t agree with her lifestyle choices, and that you’re concerned about the effect she may have on your sons. Be honest with her, without trying to change who she is.

I don’t know if she’ll go after your sons (as in trying to date them), but I wouldn’t bring it up. No sense in putting ideas in her head!

And Sharri, thanks for your comment to the reader on the “Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair” article. Very helpful.

See you in cyberspace — and good luck with your friend.

Laurie
Comment by elizabeth on 16 October 2009:

I found my husbands phone he’s on facebook he has a friend at work a women that’s on his facebook ok they share stuff on there but I looked in his inbox I found concerns that my husband was getting to close to this person he calls her names like sweetie,chickie and he told her that he loves her when I had approached him he said it was playing around “I love you” oh we don’t have kids and according to his emails he’s always concern about her two boys is that emotional cheating?
Comment by Maggie on 16 October 2009:

Laurie,
I’ve writen to you once before, I’d like to thank you soo much for your advice, your very helpful! I read the article “How to let go of someone you love” you suggested me to read and I found it helpful as well. One thing that makes the healing progress hard for me, is not being able to talk to anyone about the breakup because I don’t have anyone to talk about it with besides you. So your advice means a lot to me A few more questions came to mind that I’d like you to help me with please.. I feel really confused and mind boggled on what to do and how to go about these different situations I’m in. I’m going to divide the questions to make it less complicated for you.

1.In your last response, when you said: “No, I don’t think you should contact him. I think you should give him (and yourself) time and space to heal”, what do you mean specifically? I know at one point I’d like to contact him and see how he’s doing and talk to him on a friend level but I don’t know if your meaning not to speak to him again?? Would it be fine if he were to contact me and I reply back to him?

2.Since I haven’t talked to my ex boyfriend since the breakup, do u think it would be fine if I text him saying this is my new number? Because I told him I’d give him my new number when I got it..or is it best If I still just keep no contact with him as of now? (We’ve been broken up for four months now.) Should I not give him my new number instead and if he really wants to contact me, he’d find a way to? I heard absence makes the heart grow fonder.. would that be true in this sense?

3.Sometimes since we haven’t talked to each other in a while, for some reason it feels almost like we’re disappointed with one another or as if there’s some kind of tension between the two of us. (Even though we both left off on a good note with each other.) Do you know why I maybe feeling the way I do?

4.I believe I should be happy with whatever my ex chooses to do in his life, and if that’s what makes him happy, I should be happy for him as well..but somedays when I’m feeling down in the dumps and emotional, I wish we were still together and I get bitter about the whole breakup.. I know I shouldn’t have any hard feelings toward my ex because I know everything happens the way its meant to happen & its not his fault. But what can I do to make me accept the fact that we’re broken up (think of it in a positive way instead of negative) and always know I should be happy for him with whatever he chooses in life?

5.Do you know of any helpful breakup books that give you advice on how to move on, what mistakes not to make in your next relationship, & what makes a healthy relationship? I’d like to read any of your recommended books.

6.I used to be close with some of my ex’s family members before we were together. Our relationship was kept low-key for a while, sorta like a “romeo&juliet” type because we didn’t want our families to cause drama if they found out.. (We’re both the same religion and they believe you should date only when your ready for marriage. That way your not just with each other for the pleasure of it.) Well, eventually at one point both our families found out. My family didn’t mind, but his did because he’s trying to get serious about church and in a way I was supposibly holding him back from moving forward..the weird thing is, before we were together his dad and family always said great things about me and hinted to my ex that I’d make a great wife and blah blah blah..then once his dad found out, he wasn’t too fond of it all and wanted us to break it off.. I used to be close to his sister, & up until one point (I’m guessing when she found out about us.I never told her about us because I didn’t know how she’d react to it. & I didn’t want her to think I was using her to get around to her brother either.) She didn’t respond back to both of my emails just asking her how she’s doing..do you think from what I told you, its best if I dont contact her or any family members? Ooh by the way,the family doesn’t have a problem if my and my ex remain friends & talk to each other..but they don’t agree with us having a romantic relationship like we did before. Its only exceptable if we we’re having a romantic relationship if we’ve agreeded we’d marry each other after.

7.I met this guy not to long ago I’m intrested in, and I’d like to get to know him better. How would I be able to do that without rushing into things too soon? Should I be talking to other guys even though I’m still not completly healed from my breakup?

Lastly,
8.A guy I had a fling with before always texts me wanting to hang out and see each other. Its getting to the point it annoys me he asks soo much. (The thing with him is, when I was intrested in a relationship with him, and we talked about getting together.. he screwed things up by hooking up with another girl and denied it. Everyone who knows about him tells me he’s the player type,and I can see it too myself. When I was still in a relationship with my ex, he found out and that’s when he started contacting me again. Now he’s coming back to me after a while of not talking and saying how he realizes he’s screwed things up and wants a relationship with me. He says he didn’t want to commit before because he wasn’t ready for it but now he is..I don’t know what to do with this guy anymore? Should I hang out with him? Or just let him go?

I’d appreciate it if you can answer all my questions Laurie (Also, I’m sorry I know its a lot for u! :/ I really need your helpful advice please, & i’m willing to wait) Thank you soo much!
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 October 2009:

Hi Elizabeth,

Yes, that’s emotional cheating. Your husband is dishonoring his wedding vows by having that sort of relationship with another woman. If he can’t or won’t see that it’s destructive to your marriage, then you need to decide if you can live with his behavior or not.

Here’s a link to an article I wrote about emotional cheating on my Psychology site:

Emotional Cheating

This article contains links to other articles, such as Signs of Emotional Cheating. Don’t forget to read the comments left by readers — you’ll find that you’re not alone, and that there are ways to save your marriage! Or, you may decide that it’s time to leave your husband. I don’t know, but I welcome your questions and comments.

Best wishes — and I’m sorry your husband is doing this!

Laurie
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 October 2009:

Hi Maggie,

Wow! So many questions I’d be happy to answer all of them, one at a time. I’ll post the answers here as I can.

My first thought, though, is that you need to find people in person to talk to. You need to find friends to go out with, exercise with, have coffee with, and share your feelings with! You have alot to give in a friendships and a love relationship — and online conversations like these are good, but they’re no substitute for the real thing.

So, my first suggestion is find ways to meet friends.

Regarding your question #1: If your ex-boyfriend contacts you, then by all means contact him back. But, let yourself heal before you start calling or emailing him. I don’t have specific time frame for this; I just think people who are surviving a breakup need time and space to get their own lives and personalities back before they reconnect with their past loves.

Remember: I’m just making suggestions. You need to follow your heart and your head, and decide what’s best for YOU. Other people (like me) can’t tell you what to do! I can offer a few thoughts, but you really need to trust yourself to make the right decision.

I’ll be back soon…

Laurie
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 October 2009:

Maggie,

I was just reading Gini Gray’s response on my “how to let go of someone you love when you don’t have relationship closure” article (it’s a different article than the one I mentioned above — I just wrote this article a day or two ago).

Take a look at what she said in the comments section. I get the feeling that you’re very analytical and specific (do you overthink things?), and her response might give you a different perspective.

Here’s the link:

How to Let Go of Someone You Love – No Relationship Closure

And here’s my thoughts on #2: Sure, text him your new number. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just say that here’s your number if he needs it. And yes, absense can make the heart grow fonder. I can’t say if your texting him or not will make him feel differently towards you or your relationship.

But if texting him throws you into a tizzy of anxiety or emotional upheaval, then maybe you shouldn’t. This goes back to what I was saying earlier: people who are surviving a breakup need time to reconnect with themselves and heal before they contact their ex-partners. So, if texting him affects you emotionally and causes anxiety or stress, then maybe it’s too early to contact him. But, if you can text, email, or call him with minimal emotional upheaval, then maybe you’re ready to contact him again.

I don’t think I can give you the specific answers you’re looking for! I can offer general advice on your questions, but you need to trust your heart to make the right specific decision.

See you again soon,
Laurie
Comment by Maggie on 24 October 2009:

Hi laurie,it’s me Maggie again I agree with you completely on following my heart & mind on decisions I should make. Like you said, other people can offer suggestions/advice but in the end,it all comes down to trusting myself in making the right decision.I also wanted to say that I appreciate all your suggestions & advice because they really help me rethink the situation to make my final decision.You know, I noticed I do tend to overthink things and I know it isn’t a good habit either.I’m trying to figure what makes me overthink things and work on it to improve myself..I’m thinking it’s maybe because I fear rejection, or because I’m insecure. I read Gini Gray’s comment under the article you suggested me to read, & your right,it has made me see the break up in a different perspective,it makes it more clear to me..I’ve took your advice on meeting new friends, and I did in fact meet a few new friends recently I know I did ask a lot of questions in my previous comment, and I know you have your own life to life and haven’t yet found a chance to reply.. I was wondering if when you do get the chance, if you can please answer the remaining questions.. (Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude either.I’ve just been puzzled on what ways to go about these situations and your suggestions/advice for those last questions would really be helpful.No lie,your advice is the best I’ve heard from anyone by far!) Thank you soo much! I hope your doing well and I’d love to hear from u soon.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 26 October 2009:

Hi Maggie,

I hope this finds you well!

Regarding your question #3 above, I really can’t say….I’m sorry, but I don’t know why you feel the way you do.

But I have a bit more of a handle on question #4 — and I ended up writing an article about it on my other website, See Jane Soar! Click this link to read the article:

How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup

Regarding #5, here are some helpful books about relationships, breaking up, and having a healthy relationship:

The Girls’ Guide to Surviving a Breakup by Delphine Hirsh
It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken (I link directly to this book in the above article)

I really like Dr Phil’s book called Life Strategies. It’s not about healthy relationships or breakups per se, but it’s a wonderful book on living a successful, happy life (and achieving your goals!).

Regarding #6, I do think it’s best if you don’t contact your ex-boyfriend’s family members — especially since you reached out and haven’t heard back! Sometimes it’s easier and healthier to just let relationships go, particularly in the first stages of healing from a breakup. Just like with contacting him sometime in the future, it may be best to take a break (I can’t tell you how long, but I’d suggest 3-6 months) until the healing process has really set in.

Regarding #7, I think it’s fine to hang out with other guys. You might find my article about avoiding rebound love helpful. Here’s the link:

5 Tips for Avoiding Rebound Love

And about #8: What do you want to do about this fellow? I can’t tell you if you should get back with him or not…you need to listen to your heart and make your own decision about whether you should be with him. If your heart tells you he’s a player, then maybe you should steer clear (unless you want a fling!). If your heart tells you to take a chance, then maybe you should proceed with care.

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best!

Laurie
Comment by Maggie on 26 October 2009:

Laurie, thank you sooo much once again!! You’ve helped me a lot! Only with time I’ll be able to completely heal and move on.. & then hopefully everything will eventually find its way of working out in my life. Take care!
Comment by Susan on 27 October 2009:

Hi Laurie, I have a situation with my boyfriends Mother and Stepfather. I am 48 years old and my boyfriend is 30. We have been in a committed relationship almost 2 years and my boyfriends parents refuse to accept me or interact with me. He has had numerous arguments with them as they have tried to convince him he shouldnt be involved with someone so much older than him. They have crossed a few lines by investigating me and my background as well as contacting some of his friends asking them to talk sense into him. They have substantial money and he is part of an inheritance to which I think they possibly have some control over. My boyfriend has stood his ground with them and refused a recent family gathering because he couldnt include me, however there are certain occassions like Mothers Day and birthdays which he will go and do things with them. I have tried to ask to be included but he always says it would just complicate matters and he wouldnt subject me. He is sensitive to the fact that I feel left out, excluded and rejected by his family and I know he feels bad that it is this way. My question is at some point should I expect he take a stand and tell his family he will not do holidays or other family gatherings without me being a part of it? I dont want him to have to choose between me and his family but worry if he will ever take the next step in our relationship and marry me. I was previously married 19yrs and have 3 children 16,18,& 20.I have been very honest and let my boyfriend know I desire marriage again and if that wasn’t something he saw in our future then we shouldn’t continue our relationship. I know that is something I would like to have again in my life. He didn’t give any absolute yes to me but did say he wouldnt be with me if he didnt want a future with me. Now how the heck is he ever going to be able to do that without taking a stand with his parents, especially if they hold some control of his inheritance. How awful I feel for him that he has to think about his financial security and the possibility that they could use that to keep him from happiness with me. I have alot of fears and concerns about our large age gap and how it could manifest in the future. In the present I am the only one who seems to have a concern being the older one, I deal with insecurity that as some time goes by he will seek younger more attractive women as I feel our age gap will seem more significant in later years. At the present we look very close in age. Ironically another interesting factor with the Mom is her husband is 30yrs older than her. I know that as any Mother of an only child she dreamed of grandchildren and obviously that would not be possible for us unless we adopted. My boyfriend claims he doesnt have an interest in having children however I again worry that when he gets a little older he could have a change of heart and where would that leave me?? So I guess there is a few concerns I carry within but at the present I’m just wondering where the parents are concerned do I continue to stay out of it not making any demands or do I begin to express I’m tired of being left out? In my heart I think it will somewhat just continue as always, he drops by at Thanksgiving and Christmas for like an hour and then comes to me, so he keeps his visits very short. I would think that they must realize they are cheating themselves of a relationship with him since he has curtailed his time with them since meeting me. I am a very loving and forgiving person and would still be open to trying to form some kind of relationship. I gave my boyfriend a really nice gift to give his Mom from me for Mothers Day and never got an acknowledgment or Thank you. She recently had a b-day and I was getting a gift for her and my boyfriend asked me not to. He was very sweet, he said I was too kind and she didnt deserve it because she wouldnt appreciate it and he didnt want me to waste my money. I feel sad for both of us. I am sad because I see the conflict it puts on our relationship. I just wish he could celebrate happiness and I would feel more secure that a marriage could be in our future with blessings from his family and I know that will never happen. They are rich, stubborn, judgemental people who dont realize they are hurting thier son and themselves. Any comments or advice is appreciated.Thanks:)
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 October 2009:

Hi Susan,

Thanks for sharing this piece of your life — very interesting that you’re 18 years older than your boyfriend! I love that, I think it’s wonderful that you’re both open minded and accepting of each other.

I suspect that his parents are looking out for his best interests, and would be very reluctant to get to know you. The less they know you, the easier you are to reject! If they learned how loving and kind you are, then they’d have a hard time rejecting you.

And, remember that many parents have an ideal image of who they want their beloved son or daughter to marry. If your boyfriend’s parents are as stubborn and judgmental as they seem, then they won’t be open to accepting the woman their son chooses.

I believe this is a battle you can’t win. I don’t mean you should break up with your boyfriend…I just think that you have to let that part of his life go.

I wrote an article that speaks to your question and explains what I mean, because I have too many thoughts to include here! Here’s the link to the article:

What To Do When Your Mother in Law Doesn’t Like or Accept You

I hope it helps, and I welcome your thoughts there or here.

Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Kay on 31 October 2009:

Hi, I’m struggling here. My partner of 7 months has left me because while he loves me (I don’t doubt this) feelings remain for a woman overseas he meet briefly in person and has kept internet contact with since. To me, and he has said so himself, this relationship is never likely to come to fruition and he ended communication with her to explore the potential we had. He loves me, of this I have no doubt, and my feelings are mutual. We fit. But he told me still loving this woman, and those feelings not going away, undo the how happy I make him and he feels guilty for having those feelings, he can’t look in the mirror. I’ve seen some of their communications from before we met and she barely speaks, pulls him back and forth, and never commits to making any plans to reunite. I love this man with all my heart and I don’t at all want to let him go but would do anything to see him happy because I that’s most important to me. What should he do? How can he move on or let go of her? What should I do now?
Thanks
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 2 November 2009:

Hi Kay,

I’m sorry about your partner — that’s a obviously a big strain on your relationship, but I’m glad he told you about his internet relationship! Far better for him to come clean than to string you along.

I suggest that you take at least 3 months off from him and your relationship. His heart is divided, and he’s probabaly idealizing his internet girlfriend. Internet relationships allow us to create perfect people, while in-person relationships expose us to each other’s flaws, weaknesses, issues, etc. So he’s not seeing her for who she really is. That’s a very difficult relationship to end!

Take time apart. Let him figure out where his relationship is going with this girl. Let him come back to you when he’s ready. But, I don’t suggest just waiting around! Get on with your life, my friend. I know it’s hard, but you need to get back in touch with who you are, what you love to do, and where you want your life to go.

He’s made his choice; he wants to break it off because of this other girl. Don’t worry about what he should do, or if he can move on or let her go….you need to figure out if this is the kind of man you want to be with.

Remember — this is a red flag that shows his personality, tendencies, and future behavior. This is who he is. Don’t ignore this major warning signal!

For help moving on, read my article on letting go of someone you love.

How to Let Go of Someone You Love

I hope this helps, and I welcome your comments or questions on other articles….

Good luck, my friend.

Laurie
Comment by jijie on 3 November 2009:

Hi
i have a big dream in having my own business..right now i have ventured myself slowly in a beauty industry.not forgetting that i did my TESL back when i did my degree..and now m 24..considering the fact that im already working as an instructional designer and knowing how much i dislike it, makes me want to start my business..since im fresh and know nothing about business,what are the things that i should or should not do and especially in managing money and also where or how to get a capital for me to kick-start my passion?
Comment by Susan on 3 November 2009:

Hi jijie, I like yourself am in the beauty industry. I have been a hair stylist for 28 years and a business owner for 20 years. It is a very rewarding industry but can be a business with somewhat of a slow start. My advice if you are also a hairtylist is to situate yourself in a salon where you can build a solid clientele, once that is established there is opportunitys in salons where you can rent your chair or booth in which you can run your own business without all the overhead of the salon. I did this for several years before opening my own salon. When I did finally open my own place I started out in a small place with low overhead, of course my business grew and I eventually opened a large salon only to find for me it was just more headaches more overhead and no more money by the time I paid for everything, so I now operate a small salon again with 2 booth renters who cover my overhead so what I make stays in my pocket. Again this is after many years of growing and retreating back to where I started, small has worked best for me. Best Wishes to you, I commend you for wanting your own business, it is a Wonderful thing:)Susan
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 4 November 2009:

Hi Jijie,

Susan gave you some great advice; I hope it helps.

And, I’m glad you’re seeing early that you don’t like the possible career as an instructional designer. Better now than in 10 years!

I’ve written several articles on female entrepreneurs and starting your own business. Here’s the latest, about Martha Stewart — just click this line to get there:

For Female Entrepreneurs – Martha Stewart’s 10 Rules for Starting a Business

I welcome your comments or questions there or here, and hope the article helps get you started…

Laurie
Comment by Jijie on 5 November 2009:

oh…thank you so so much Susan & Laurie !
wow,that really helps me…
the next thing i must consider is the capitol to start my business.
where n how did you (Susan),if you dont mind sharing…get a sum of money to start your business?what are the things that i must take into consideration?
Comment by monica on 7 November 2009:

how to improve concentration?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 7 November 2009:

Hi Monica,

I wrote an article about improving your memory and concentration; here’s the link:

How to Improve Memory and Concentration

And Jijie, I’m writing an article on Monday about raising capital to start your business…stay tuned; I’ll post the link here!

Laurie
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 9 November 2009:

Hi Jijie,

Okay, I wrote an article about getting money to start your own business…

How to Get Money to Start Your Business

Feel free to comment on that article if you have more questions!

Good luck, and keep in touch,
Laurie
Comment by Susan on 12 November 2009:

Hi jijie, My first salon was an empty space and I had nothing to start but good credit. I went to Home Depot and purchased cabinets and built my stations. I purchased mirrors and accessories at thrift stores and bought used equipment from a supplier. Alot of salons go out of business so you can find like new chairs etc. Try craigs list also. I spent around 10 thousand getting my 1st place up and running and a few years later sold and opened a bigger place with my revenues. Again starting small recouping your investment seems the best way, if you start to big you just put alot of pressure to make alot at the start to just cover overhead and nothing stays in your pocket.Best Wishes!Susan
Comment by Sean on 15 November 2009:

I have been seeing my girlfriend for about 6 months, and I am absolutely in love with her. We have at times talked about the future and what it can bring, which fills me with good thoughts.

But, there is one thing that I am very concerned about: She was a BBW when we met, and since then, she has gained 25 pounds. Since we have met, I have lost over 10 pounds, and my best friend, a former lover, keeps telling me how good I look. I love her to death, but I am concerned about the long term effects of her weight and of her weight gain. It affects her self image, her attitude, and our sex life.

Yet, when I try to talk to her about it, no matter how kind and caring and sweet I am, she gets defensive. Yet, she STILL makes very poor choices when he have dinner – too large portions, lots of deep fried things, lots of rich desserts, lots of cheese. I try to set an example by choosing smart choices, or when she asks about something, I comment with a phrase like “I don’t want that. WAY too much fat in it.”

It is to the point where I am thinking about changing our relationship. Is there anything that I can do to help her…or do I need to decide whether to stay or go?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 16 November 2009:

Hi Sean,

Thanks for your comment; that’s a tough situation to be in with your girlfriend.

I had too many thoughts to put here, so I wrote an article called “My Girlfriend is Gaining Weight – What Should I Do?” Remember, nobody can tell you if you should break up with her, change your relationship, or keep loving her even if she gains another 25 pounds! You need to follow your heart and mind, my friend.

Here’s the link to the article:

My Girlfriend is Gaining Weight – What Should I Do?

If you have more questions – such as how to encourage her to lose weight without alienating her – let me know. I’d be happy to round up a few tips for that!

Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Connie on 19 November 2009:

My 23 year old daughter seems to choose loser boyfriends. She is an intelligent and beautiful girl but has had several relationships with men that are not marriage material.
What do I say to her about this last breakup. She broke up with the last one 2 days ago because he was lying to her. She does fall for them but eventually realizes they were not worthy of her time.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 23 November 2009:

Hi Connie,

That’s a great question — what do you say to your daughter, who keeps choosing bad boyfriends?

She may need to learn by trial and error. That is, you might not be able to make her see that she’s making these bad choices…she may just need to keep being with these guys and breaking up with them. That’s hard for you to see (who wants to see her daughter suffer?), but she may need to do this. That’s how we learn: we make mistakes, we pick ourselves up, we move on.

The good news is that she recognizes that these guys aren’t worthy of her time! It’s great that she’s not sticking with them through abuse, lies, betrayals, etc.

I suggest listening to why she is attracted to these guys, and why she breaks up with them. Instead of telling her that she’s beautiful, smart, and deserves better, ask her what attracted her to her last boyfriend. Really listen to her answer. And, ask her if there were any red flags or warning signals while they were dating, before she found out he was lying to her. Let her talk through her experience.

Sometimes we learn alot more about ourselves when we say our reasons, motivations, thought processes, etc out loud. We learn less when we’re told stuff…we learn more when we can talk through our experiences to someone who listens without judging or lecturing.

I also suggest you commend her on seeing through these guys! Many women stay with men no matter what, no matter how poorly they’re being treated. Your daughter obviously has enough self-respect to leave the relationship.

Another suggestion is to give her a book about choosing good men. For instance, “How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk” by John Van Epp discusses how to recognize red flags and potential problems in relationships.

I hope this helps a little…and keep the faith, my friend! Your daughter WILL find the man for her — and she’s still young. She’s learning, growing, and gaining self-awareness.

It’s hard for a mom to let go, but it’s necessary.

Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by therese on 25 November 2009:

how can i trust my husband again… even if he said he’s trying his best to earn my trust, but still he continue to lie to me about simple things, even if its not about other woman anymore,, its really hard foor me to trust him again…
Comment by Gary Crawford on 27 November 2009:

I am asking for permission to utilize your article “Signs of Mental Illness” as part of an information package for a training course.This area is just one of many on building a respectful workplace.

It will be used as general info by managers to identify signs that an employee may have a mental illness so they can be referred to a professional for diagnosis.

Thank you
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 27 November 2009:

Therese,

If your husband is lying to you, then it’s not possible to rebuild trust in him again! Nobody can trust someone who lies, even if it’s just about what he ate for lunch or what color of socks he’s wearing.

It might be good to figure out why he’s lying to you. I suggest you and he go for counseling together, to learn what you both can do to rebuild your marriage and trust again.

I also wrote an article about reuniting with an unfaithful husband; here’s the link.

Rebuilding Marriage Trust – How to Reunite With an Unfaithful Husband

I hope the article helps, and I especially hope you and your husband talk to a professional counselor about building a healthy marriage. You can’t do it through trust alone — you need mutual responsibility, honesty, faithfulness, love, generosity and commitment.

I wish you all the best.

Laurie
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 27 November 2009:

Hi Gary,

Yes, you have my permission to use my “Signs of Mental Illness” article in your info package for the training course. I hope it helps!

Best regards,
Laurie
Comment by Hope on 28 November 2009:

Hello Laurie:
my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 15 months and we’re not in love. Is that a problem? Sometimes I believe I’m behind.
Also, what exactly is chemistry? How do I know if I have it or not?
Please get back to me when you can. Thank you.

-Hope
Comment by Susan on 30 November 2009:

Dear Hope, I was compelled to comment to you after reading your post because I have experienced both relationships, one w chemisrtry and one without and I must say from my experience chemistry is a Huge ingredient to happiness. I was married 19 years had 3 children w a man who I didnt have chemistry. I did love him in that he wa a good husband, father etc, but never had a passion or chemisrty w him. I longed for that feeling and after many years of feeling empty I decided to get a divorce. My 1st relationship after was alot of chemistry which I had been missing in my marriage. It was unhealthy though because he had a drinking problem as well as all the baggage that goes with so I eventually ended that relationship. The next guy I dated there was no chemistry and once again I felt an emptiness that was familar to my marriageso I ended that relationship and shortly thereafter met my present boyfriend of 2 years. We have amazing chemistry and passion and although after 2 years there is a comfort and familiar feeling that you settle into there is still a high level of excitement and chemistry between us that I think keeps a relationship exciting and challenging. I think when you dont feel this with someone you are just going through the motions and not experiencing the feeling we all want and deserve in a romantic relationship. You can admire another person, maybe see them as a good catch, partner so to speak but if you dont feel love and chemistry then how far will that take you emotionally?? I knew I was in love with my bf very soon into the relationship and in the relationship w no chemistry I never felt in love ever. I would just suggest you think carefully about what you want out of a relationship, what makes you feel happy and complete and if you dont feel that in this relationship is this something that you desire and is important to you, if so then dont waste precious time go seek and find that person that really blows your skirt up:)
Comment by Susan on 30 November 2009:

Just another thought regarding what is chemisrty and how will you know if you have it or not. To me at least chemistry is an emotional and physical feeling that you have toward the other person. Its a feeling of you cant get enough of them, you stare at them when asleep you daydream about them when your apart and they bring a smile to your face and a tingling feeling when your with them. This is the initial phase of many relationshps but with real chemistry you still feel these over time, just not as intense as from the beginning because you get more comfortable in the relationship. After 2 years and being with my bf almost daily I still get anticipation and excitement in his presence, Thats chemistry and when you find it you will know it! Best Wishes
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 November 2009:

Hi Hope,

I have to second Susan’s wise advice! She hit the nail on the head regarding the importance of chemistry. And, she added a little pizzazz with the “blow your skirt up” remark

Marriage and long-term relationships are alot of work, and if you don’t have a basic underlying sense of passion, connection, and chemistry, it just makes the relationship a little harder.

But, apart from chemistry, you mentioned that you and your boyfriend are not in love. The basic foundation of a love relationship is…love! If you and he aren’t in love after more than a year, then it’s time to ask yourself why you and he first started dating. And, why are you staying with a guy you don’t love? Why is he staying with you, if he doesn’t love you?

I don’t think you’re “behind” — I didn’t get married until I was 35 — but I do think you’re missing out on the excitement and passion of falling in love. Don’t cheat yourself out of that experience by staying with your boyfriend out of fear, guilty, insecurity, or external pressure.

I hope this helps a little, and welcome you back anytime.

Best wishes,
Laurie

PS Thanks Susan for weighing in — I appreciate it!
Comment by Alan on 10 December 2009:

How do i act with a depressed ex partner?
I have just come out of a 5 year relationship with my partner. The first few years were good, of course we had our ups and downs, but it is mainly the last year or so that things started to deteriorate. She has three boys, the eldest is 14. She is reaching the age of menopause and I have recently found out, she has been on medication (paroxetine 30mg) for depression for 5-6 years. This was kept from me. I have also done some research into her moods and depression and believe her to also have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Throughout the relationship she has moved house 4 times, of which, i have helped on every move. The last move was back to a street she had moved away from. I helped with re-painting her whole house, with great strain to myself, due to trying to re-decorate my own house at the same time. I helped her with this so that she would get her deposit back, which she did. Instead of any sort of gratitude, i was met with complacency and disinterest and comments of how it was unnecessary. This seems to be a common feature with her. No matter what i do, it is never good enough. I was critised from haircuts, to a new car, any new clothes I got, to critising me going to the gym or how clean I keep my house (which is cleaned regularly as I am a landlord). Also, with this most recent move I got her a new 3 piece suite, which was from a friend and actually Harrods bought. This was also not good enough, aswell as the new bike shed I built for her boys. She stated that she only wanted a roof.
I buy her little things she likes often, such as chocolates and the facial creams she likes, aswell as many other beauty treatments. She said I should concentrate on her, not her boys and then berates me for not getting presents for her boys. She also states that her boys do not like me, something I know not to be true from speaking to them. Yet she seems to hide behind this.
I recently invested into some coffee shops with her boss, about 7 months ago, of which I was going to be a silent partner. My original idea was to let everything get up and running and then pass them onto her so she would have her own business. She is working in one of the shops. Long story short, my business partner (her boss) is not running things properly to the full potential. I was not getting anything in the way of my investment back. I went to explain this to her and to say that as we were not making anything and she was taking a wage, that I would take over one of the shops temporarily until things picked up. This caused issues and subsequently we broke up. I kept calm during the altercation, even though I was shouted and screamed at and she dug her nails into my face. A true case of personal and business not mixing. I had given her £400 around this time, which she gave back saying that she wanted the job more, even though it was a temporary situation. I gave her space and a few weeks later we got back together. This is the point that things went downhill considerably faster. She had already become more difficult a while before this though. By now, nothing seemed to be good enough at all and her changeability from caring to complacent and aggressive showed no middle ground and was becoming more extreme. I was walking on eggshells, not knowing what to expect.
After getting back together, things seemed ok. I took her out a few times for a nice meal (which I like to do with her) and helped her with the rest of her move, which was going on at the same time. Then she became more despondent. She made excuses for coming out and it became more difficult for her to answer the phone. At this time I had to go to Mexico for 2 weeks, I asked if she wanted to go, but she was negative in response. Before I left I asked if she wanted me to call her and she answered yes. I spoke to her a few times whilst I was away and upon returning, went to give her some things I had brought back for her. Upon leaving however, I went to kiss her and she pulled away. I asked her what was the matter and did she not want to go out with me anymore? She said that she did not. I replied that was ok and that we should leave it then.
She still works in the coffee shop and I am trying to get these sold through agents. This does mean that I have to see her almost daily, which I find a great drain. During this time of seeing her, she has been very nice to me and asks me personal things that I myself have forgotten, such as asking about a chest x-ray I had, some 5 weeks before and about my dentist trip, a week previous. She is smiley and polite to me some days and agitated the others. Something the agents have picked up on.
I am at a loss, as to what to do. The last thing to happen is a friend of mine who knows her had spoken to her and reported to me that she had said, we won’t be getting back together and there is no going back now. It seems to be that one day I will go into the coffee shops and be met with a caring and smiley person, other days she is despondent and moody

today my son spoke to my ex. she told him it is over at the moment and who knows about the future.
at the moment she is having many issues with her, boss, son and money, i.e. landlord, xmas, sons phone bill and arguments with her mum. also her depression is worse over the winter periods. i want to be able to talk to her and help her, but most aspects of her life are up in the air, but she has emotionally blocked herself off from everyone. can i talk to her about her depression, of which she has tried to keep secret, or will she become defensive? how do i tackle the subject of helping her? is this something she has to figure out by herself or can i play a part in this? anyones comments with experience in this particular matter would be appreciated. i dont want things to blow up in my face, but she needs help aswell and i still care about her.
Comment by Mindy Stice on 17 December 2009:

Hi Laurie, I work as a health educator for our local health department and would like to use your article “How to Stay Healthy at Christmas” for my December issue. The newsletter is called Health Beat and goes to county agencies and businesses as part of a worksite wellness program. Not sure this is how to ask, but I thought I’d try.

Thanks!

Mindy Sitce
Comment by Justine on 19 December 2009:

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years we are high school sweethearts. During the holdidays it always gets trying. My family gets together on christmas eve night, to eat our traditional food and exchange gifts. I really would love for my boyfirend to be able to come over and experence and share with me in this tradition. But every year his mother has a fit when he tells her that he will be leaving his gradmothers (her mother) gathering early to come over to my house. And every year he trys to leave early but she tells him that it would be disrespectful if he left. So he ends up at my house after 9pm and misses my family because my brothers to boys need to go home and sleep, there 5 and 6. What do I do? I love him with every ounce of my being and I hate seeing him up-set about this when she tells him that he is disrespecting her and his grandmother by considering leaving early to come to my home that night. But when do I get to share a tradition that means so much to me with him. Not even taking in consideration that him not making it until everyone leaves hurts my family. (I have never told him that it hurts my mom and dad because they love him as a son. I dont feel like it would be fair to him) Do I call his mother? But what would I say? Your hurting your son by making him pick me or you. The thing I hate the most is that I see her on christmas day at his dads parents home and his mothers mom is there too. I would love some guidence. Thank you!
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 20 December 2009:

Hi Justine,

I totally understand how you feel, but I don’t think you should call his mom. Even if you were married to your boyfriend, it wouldn’t be appropriate for you to insert yourself in his relationship with his mother. It’s not your place to tell her how she should treat her son….that’s your boyfriend’s job.

Your boyfriend needs to be the one to man up to her and tell her that he’s sorry she sees his leaving as disrespectful, but he’s a grown man who is making his own decisions about where he spends his Christmas. He loves her, but he loves you too — and he needs to divide his time up as he sees fit.

This is totally your boyfriend’s responsibility. Not yours. Your job is to be clear about your wishes to your boyfriend. After that, the only thing you can control is your response to him…and even if he doesn’t live up to your and your parent’s wishes, you need to love him for the other wonderful things he does.

You could also tell your boyfriend how much it would mean to you if he was over at 8 pm or whatever time is halfway between what you want and what usually happens. You don’t need to put a guilt trip on him, but I don’t think it’s wrong to say that your parents would love to see him too.

And remember — there will always, always be things in relationships that aren’t perfect. You need to decide if this is one of those things you have to live with but not necessarily like.

I hope you focus on having a Merry Christmas with your family and boyfriend, no matter what time he shows up!

Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Jenny on 21 December 2009:

I found out a few months ago that my husband of 7 years was emotionally intimate with a new work colleague. There were incredibly intimate emails and text messages between them. He has sent poems and expressed love and they had met everyday and he had not disclosed any of this. I had initially felt concerned and aksed him about the nature of the relationship and he said they were just friends but my concern pushed it further away and he ended up hiding more. His blackberry never left his side at all hours. I finally confronted him because his withdrawal from our marriage was affecting not just me but our 2 kids as well. He deleted the emails and his blackberry no longer requires surgical removal. We’ve had a few confrontations and lengthy discussions and while we are both doing things to improve our relationship and have addressed some of the gaps in our intimacy I still struggle. He sees this other women everyday at work and still drops her/picks her up, has lunch frequently and has made an effort to see her on non workdays and they do still text (yes, i’ve checked his phone occassionaly) but not as often. He does now tell me when he sees her and some of what they talk about. She is married. Last night there was dinner at a work colleague’s house and she and her husband went as did we, she slipped when introduing her husband as my husbands name and then made a joke about ‘work husband’ ‘home husband’. I said nothing as I didn’t want to create a scene but therein lies my problem. They consider themselves best friends and I made the point later to my husband that I only have the one husband. He didn’t like me bringing it up. Given things are improving I feel silly dwelling on it and I don’t want to make a big fuss but I am concerned that in spite of all my feelings on the matter, I know he has no intention of giving up the friendship, so I feel as though I am left to just cope with he has decieded works for him and gives him both the marriage and a female best friend. My question is is it possible for 2 people who were clearly intensely emotionally intimate early on in thier friendship and struggled to define their intimate boundary and who are both married to be just best friends, or am I right in perceiving that as an ongoing threat to my marriage (oh and sanity).
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 23 December 2009:

Jenny,

You are totally, completely right to feel that this relationship is a threat to your marriage! When you’re married, you need to give all your emotional energy to your spouse — not other married people. And, even if this doesn’t make sense to your husband — even if there’s absolutely NO chance that they’ll ever be physically intimate or continue their intensely emotionally intimate connection — he needs to respect your feelings and try to make you feel as secure and comfortable as he can. That’s what love and marriage is all about.

I’m sorry that he has no intention of giving up the friendship. I think that’s disrespectful to you and your feelings about this whole thing. He’s putting his own needs ahead of yours and your marriage’s.

There are several things you can do to get your marriage back on track: read books about emotional infidelity together, talk to a marriage counselor, figure out why he needs to have this connection outside of his marriage, and explore the idea of him finding a different place to work. I don’t think people can go from being emotionally intimate to simply being work colleagues…especially if they’re making jokes about being work husbands and wives.

You have to remember that you have choices in this marriage, Jenny! He’s not the only one who has choices to make. If you can’t live happily with his decisions, then you need to think about your own options. It’s a very difficult, scary place to be…but it’s also a place of power, strength, and freedom.

I encourage you to find ways to show him how damaging emotional intimacy with other people is (through books, counseling, articles about emotional cheating, etc). He might need an outside perspective to realize how unhealthy this is for your marriage.

Wishing you all the best — let me know how things unfold!

Laurie
Comment by elizabeh on 23 December 2009:

Hi Laurie,
I am so worried. My 8 year old son seems to be frightened of EVERYTHING. He was once scratched by a small dog, and now avoids dogs at all costs. He won’t even go to a friend’s house if they have a dog. He is also afraid of being in a room by himself, even if I am just in the room next to him. I have been taking him to a psychologist for over a year to no avail. The psychologist even brought his gentle dog into the office to desensitize my son, but my son hid in a closet for the whole visit. Where do I go from here? Thank you for any advice.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 26 December 2009:

Hi Elizabeth,

I’m sorry to hear about your son — and especially sorry to hear that the psychologist hasn’t helped in over a year! That’s a long time to suffer.

I encourage you to try a different psychologist or counselor. If the person you’re seeing isn’t a child therapist, make sure your new counselor specializes in phobias and children. For some reason, the psychologist you’re seeing isn’t affecting your son…and you simply need to find the therapist who can have a positive effect.

To find a good counselor, ask for a referral from your child’s school, your pediatrician, or your own doctor. The first visit should be free; you might even consider visiting two or three, then letting your son choose the therapist that he likes best.

I also suggest reading up on child phobias, and even contacting an organization that specializes in childhood fears. Even if that organization is out of state, they may be able to send you helpful information.

Take it one step at a time…your son will overcome this, and his fears may one day be a distant memory! He just needs to be connected with the right help.

Blessings, let me know how it goes,
Laurie
Comment by Honey on 27 December 2009:

Hi,
I am an indian and my husband cheated on me about 18 months ago.We have been married for 14 years .I have a 13 year old daughter and is working.He had been talking to one of his subordinate for 12 months.His mom is a terminal illness patient and he loves her a lot.Me and my MIL never got along well.His subordinate is a 24 year old girl and yet to be married.He is 42 years old.He has been talking to her sending SMS and she has been in his mind all the time.Morning he would get up and send a good morning SMS and then it would start till the time they are both off to sleep.Some days it has gone upto 60 SMS.He took us for a vacation and there too when we were shopping he was out talking to her and telling her what we were doing minute by minute in detail.she used to give him a missed call and he would call her and whenever i confronted him he would say he was talking to a male colleague.He would delete all the calls and also he messages sent by him or received from her.
He knew he was cheating on me and was going ahead.
Once or twice I even confronted him and asked him who she is he denied any such relationship with anybody.I found out who she was as even spoke to her with pseudo name to check who she is.Finally one day i caught him with a I LOVE you message that he had sent to her a night before.He first said she is just a friend and that he fantasies her.I called that girl home infront of him and she claimed that she thought of him as just a friend and a father figure and she has a boy friend of her own.she has just been giving him a shoulder to cry as he was depressed.I spoke to her several times after this incidence and she has even quit her job and has moved out.I have not got in touch with her and my husband has asked for apology.Whenever I speak to him about what went wrong with us and he breaks things at home and shouts so that neighbours can hear and punishes himself by hurting himself.I also feel that during that period when we slept together he must have thought of her and made love to me.
He says he has stopped talking to her and has no contact with her at all.I am unable to trust him now.Everything that he does only reminds me of the time when he cheated on me.
I am neither able to go forwards in my life.I know I cannot live without him.How do I forgive him and move on my life.We have not lived apart even for week.
Help!!!I know I drive him crazy by asking him what he found in her that was good or better than me.I keep pounding him with questions and he does not want to answer.Since I am not getting answer, I am ready to divorce him if he wants to live with her and he claims that it was not at all intentional.He knew that for me marriage is a institution where no lies and cheating can play a part.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 December 2009:

Dear Honey,

I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. That’s a sad, heartbreaking place to be — but hold on to the fact that this WILL pass, and you WILL be happy again!

One suggestion I have is to stop thinking that you can’t live without him. This is not true….not only can you live without him, you can be happy, healthy, and whole without him! You do not need him or anyone else to live…all you need is a connection to your source of power and a sense of your authentic self. Your happiness does not depend on any person on earth — it only depends on you.

Even if you stay with him, it’s important to know that he is not the source of your happiness.

I’ve written several articles about healing marriages and learning to trust again after an affair. Here are the links to those articles; they say everything I could say here, and they contain comments from readers that may help you rebuild your marriage.

How to Trust Your Husband After an Affair

How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity

Please read those articles and reader comments, and involve your husband in the process of saving your marriage.

Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Selina on 4 January 2010:

I’m absolutely heart broken – my relationship of 8 years is over. I initiated it due to his irresponsibility and his “means” of having fun. I always have wanted to have kids and every time the chance came he’d persuade me not to, and I listened and obeyed every time! I’m just grieving I feel betrayed and used. I dream about the two babies I aborted every night. Please what can I do? I can’t seem to find a healthy mantra/reason to forget and move on.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 6 January 2010:

Dear Selina,

I’m so sorry to hear about your breakup. Eight years is a long time to be together — and it’s such a difficult thing, to let go of those hopes and dreams.

I’m also very sorry to hear about your babies. You put your own wishes and desires aside to be a “good” girlfriend and please him — and you’re definitely not the first woman to do that! Many, many women ignore their inner voices to avoid conflict and stay in relationships. I don’t know if it helps to know that you’re not alone, but you definitely AREN’T alone!

I encourage you to talk to a counselor. I think you’re carrying a heavy load of grief, guilt, betrayal, and pain. You need to find a supportive, objective person to help you experience and manage those feelings.

And, you need to congratulate yourself for calling it quits! It takes a great deal of strength and courage to end a relationship, but you did it.

Here are some links to articles I wrote about surviving heartbreak. I encourage you to read them, and try the tips that resonate with you. Also, read the comments from readers….you’ll see you’re not alone…

Surviving a Break Up

How to Survive Sadness and Depression After Breaking Up

How to Let Go of Someone You Love

Selina, you WILL be happy again one day — and you will love again! It takes time to heal after the losses you’ve experienced, but you will feel alive and healthy again.

Please read those articles and call a counselor. Let me know how you’re doing…

Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Roisin on 9 January 2010:

Hello,

i have 3 dogs, one of which is one who ive had since i was 10 months old. she and i are both now 15 and she is in a poor state. she has arthiritis, is now becoming extremely underweight, has lost her appetite, drinks most of the time, and seems very unhappy. today i noticed something else, i researched it and i think she may have pyometra. i can see shes very tired and we’ve talked about putting her down, at first i found it hard to accept and didnt want to. ( we had her sister put down a few years ago which was also very painful) i dont want to go through it again, but now seeing she may have something else wrong with her and hearing her groaning when she trys to get up, i realise im going to have to. i have bonded so much with her and i love her so much, so could you give me some help on how to get over her death when she does go and how soon should she be put down?

Thank you
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 9 January 2010:

Dear Roisin,

I’m sorry to hear about your dog — that’s very sad. You’ve grown up together, and saying good-bye to a creature you’ve loved for so long is very hard.

Here are two articles I’ve written that speak to both your questions. I encourage you to read the comments at the end, because you may gain comfort and support from hearing how others have dealt with the loss of their pets.

Should I Put My Dog to Sleep?

Tips for Coping When Your Dog Dies

I hope this helps…let me know how it goes and how you’re doing.

Blessing,
Laurie
Comment by Larry on 9 January 2010:

Hi Laurie,

I just found your site today and have spent all morning reading a lot of your articles on introverts. Thank you for getting it out there!

I’m very much an introvert, I get tongue-tied or draw blanks in conversations, I dread the phone, I avoid socialising in big groups, I even feel uncomfortable with friends who I don’t have a deep connection with… and forget about presentations and public speaking! I love spending time by myself, although sometimes I feel guilty about it and that I might be boring. At times I find it debilitating not being able to easily connect with people and let them in, especially when I see everyone else doing it with ease.

My question is, is it futile to try and change to be more like an extrovert? I’ve read that being an introvert or extrovert is an orientation. I’m also gay and know from experience that trying to be something you’re not only makes things worse. On the other hand, some things are skills that can be learned – even if it means stepping out of my comfort zone and feeling totally uncomfortable until it’s something that I can do.

Although at times I slip into negativity and feel unworthy when compared to extroverts (usually when I’m out amongst them, or trying to be one!), I can still connect deeply with a few close people in my life, I see a counselor which I’ve found invaluable, and my partner is supportive and understanding. Most of the time I’m happy… until there is a party to go to.

I guess I’m having trouble differentiating between the greys of ‘do I lack self-confidence or am I just introverted?’ Should I push myself to socialise and small talk with people even if I hate it? Should I practice making phone calls until it’s not an issue anymore? Is it worth the pain? Or should I work more on self acceptance and live a life of happy (healthy) solitude?

Thanks again,
Larry
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 12 January 2010:

Larry,

Interesting question — are you an introvert, or do you lack self-confidence? Unfortunately, I can’t answer that for you…

I don’t think it’s futile to change to become more extroverted, but I have to ask why you want to change? If you’re happy the way you are, then you can let go of the comparisons to other people, the question about being introverted versus not having enough self-confidence, and the journeys into negativity.

You need to accept yourself for who you are. You need to get your self-worth and validation from your internal self, not the people or activities around you. You need to get comfortable with your personality and learn to like yourself as you are right now…not how you think you should be when you’re surrounded by certain people.

If I were you, I’d focus on self-acceptance — not forcing yourself to be more extroverted. I also encourage you to get out of yourself a little more. Balance your habits of introspection and self-analysis with giving to or serving others. For instance, weekly volunteer work in a role that suits your gifts and personality can increase your feelings of self-worth and self-esteem.

Do things you love, enjoy your partner, explore life, and stop wrestling with yourself!

Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Kate on 18 January 2010:

I don’t know what question to ask, but I am in need of advice. I am a 24yo girl and I’ve been on my own since 18. My mother is an emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic, and my father is a great man, who I’ve never been good enough for. I believe my entire family is bi-polar. I was kicked out after being grounded constantly, including birthdays, and forbidden from wearing skirts or spaghetti straps. My first bf of 5years was emotionally, and a little physically abusive, (headbutts, dumping chemicals over me, throwing me down) and I believe also bi-polar. I was diagnosed st 18 with advanced Cervical Cancer from HPV, which I had contracted from my only sex partner. I went through several surgeries and am cured, but it was traumatic and degrading. I managed the strength to leave when he was trying to force me into having sex with another man. I lived in my car and built myself back up. Over the course of the last six years I’ve had over 20 jobs, either being fired or quitting bc I can’t handle being sooken down to. I have worked at six strip clubs, waitressing and a medical mj dispensary. I am heavily dependent on marijuana and I would’ve killed myself by now without it. Before I began smoking, I broke out in acid hives all over my body several times a day for years, I also paralyzed myself at 19 from my back tensing on a herniated disc in my cervical spine. I held one job for two years and I was fired whrn my boss hit me bc he was insane also. I didn’t call the police bc I feel like I deserve it, in some way… Just not from him. I began dating someone right before I was fired and he too became abusive. I’ve had two abortions in the last year, I was diagnosed bipolar this year and my therapist quit. I began mutilating myself this year, first blunt force impact, then trying to knock myself out, then slicing my skin. I stopped after cutting myself badly a few months ago. The scar reminds me to stop. My current bf demeans me all day, everyday, and refuses to have sex with me. I believe he enjoys my misery, as sick as that sounds. He knows I am sick, but will perch in front of me in our home and degrade me mentally, physically, and sexually. This usyally goes on for such a solid amount of time that I snap, and will hit or punch, or kick him. Whatever will hurt him the most. He never stops at that point, often beats me back, worse… And, continues to follow me and demean me until I retrwat to the snow for hours, since I lost my car when I lost my job. He does not care, and often picks up where he left off. I feel disgusting bc I’m violent. I feel disgusting bc I’ve become a battered woman. But most of all, I feel disgusting bc he doesn’t love me, bc I’m unlovable and surely I must deserve it for choosing to move in with him. Please help me see the light. I have an IQ of 138, and my brain is killing me. I need a sensible solution… Or encouragement.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 21 January 2010:

Dear Kate,

I’m sorry to hear life has been such a struggle for you. You’ve been through illness, abusive relationships, traumatic choices, and addictions…you’ve dealt with more in your 24 years than many people see in a lifetime.

This shows what a SURVIVOR you are, my friend. You’ve been through the wringer, and you’re still peppy enough to seek solutions — and to achieve your goals!

My best advice for you is to call a distress line or battered women’s shelter as soon as possible. Reach out for help — because survival and moving past bad situations is all about getting the support you need. You can’t do it alone — nobody can.

Please call a help line, a counselor, or a women’s shelter. Ask how you can get out of this situation, how you can start over — because life IS a series of new beginnings! You just need to figure out how and where to start the next stage of your life. A healthy, happy stage!

Call a distress line, and tell me what happens. I hope to hear from you soon….

Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Janny on 6 February 2010:

NEED RESPONSE ASAP! (If possible)

Hello,

My name is Janny Matixonh and I am a senior at a high school in Washington State. I am working on a school project and was wondering if you have time, could answer a few questions? In order to graduate, seniors at my school are required to do a “Senior Project” which entitles 60 hours of learning. I decided to take this opportunity to learn how to make hand made greeting cards and learn the different techniques/styles used to make unique cards. I am also in the process of writing a paper about my findings and so I thought you might be perfect to interview considering my project also deals with psychology. I have read some of your articles about color and scent, but I would like to hear any other things you have to say. Please expand on the questions given. Anything helps.

1) How did you get an interest in psychology?

2) What is your educational background (school attended diplomas, achievements, etc.)?

3) What is psychology?

4) Are people affected by color (mentally, emotionally, physically, etc.)? If yes, does it affect people in a certain age group, experience, or culture?

5) Are people affected by scent (mentally, emotionally, physically, etc.)? If yes, does it affect people in a certain age group, experience, or culture?

6) Does lavender have an affect on people behavior?

7) Does citrus have an affect on people’s behavior?

Would color affect your mood? (I.e. you are given a black card on your birthday, how would you feel as opposed to be given a blue card?)

9) Would scent affect your mood? (I.e. you have vanilla candles in your room as opposed to a burrito?)

10) Do you think it makes a difference to have scented greeting cards and invitations?

11) Would you buy hand made greeting cards, make your own, or buy them at the store?

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

With regards,

Janny Matixonh
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 7 February 2010:

Hi Janny,

Wow, this is quite the project you’re working on! Sounds fascinating.

I can’t answer all your questions — you need to research this aspect of psychology by reading books, looking in psychology journals, and talking psychologists with PhDs (I only have one degree in Psych, and I’m not researching the above topics). Research is part of doing a Senior Project — I taught high school for three years, and think it’s important that students learn how to research by exploring a variety of sources.

That said, however, I will answer one or two of the above questions you asked. If you’d like to choose a couple of questions, feel free to post them here. I’ll answer within 24 hours.

Best of luck with the project!

Laurie
Comment by Janny on 7 February 2010:

Thanks for the response. In addition to asking others the above question, I am also looking into psychology books and journals, which is quite interesting. There’s so much to know and many unanswered questions out there.

The question I wanted answered the most was:

Are people affected by color and scent (mentally, emotionally, physically, etc.)? If yes, does it affect people in a certain age group, experience, or culture?

Or you can pick any of the question(s) you would like to answer.

With regards,

Janny Matixonh
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 7 February 2010:

Janny,

Perfect questions! I’ve written articles about both color and scent .

About the Psychology of Color:

Different hues and shades have direct subconscious effects on moods, energy levels, and emotions.

Have you ever noticed how sad you feel when you walk into a dark room that doesn’t have windows or bright colors. Have you noticed how hungry you are when surrounded by red walls or red dishes?

That’s color psychology! Certain shades, tones and colors affect our moods and emotions. Some colors suppress our appetite (which makes them good for people who are trying to lose weight), while other colors increase our breathing and heart rate.

Below are the general psychological effects of certain colors. However, if colors are associated with certain personal experiences or memories, they may have different effects than listed below. Say, for instance, you received a “Dear John” or other type of disappointing or heartbreaking letter in a green envelope. From then on green may be your least favorite color because you subconsciously associate it with heartbreak and sorrow. That’s a subjective perspective of color; the following are objective perspectives of color.

These psychological effects of colors may not apply equally to every individual, but they have been found to be standard in North American culture by various psychological researchers.

The Psychological Effect of Red Colors

Red is associated with blood, heat, and vigor. Red is passionate, intense, and fierce. It’s also associated with love (Valentine’s Day), Christmas, and the element of danger.
Red hues are warm, active, and exciting. Red lights cause an increase in breathing, heart rate, and central nervous system functioning. Though red may stimulate most people, it can calm others, depending on their associations with that particular color. Red has been known to increase appetite in restaurants.

The Psychological Effect of Blue Colors

Blue is associated with spirituality, thought, and melancholy. It’s also connected to calmness, cleanliness, and wisdom. When you feel blue or “have the blues”, you’re usually a little sad for the moment – but the blues are fleeting. This color is thought to be an appetite suppressant, because blue isn’t a natural color for fruit, vegetables, or meat (even blueberries are more purple than blue).
Blue colors have the opposite effect of red colors. That is, blue causes a decrease in breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure. It’s a subduing, cool color that can appear peaceful, but may also seem sad.

The Psychological Effect of Green Colors

Green is associated with nature, health, and abundance. It’s also connected to money, wealth and good luck. Green is a tranquilizing color, and is connected to the interaction between human and environmental health.

Green is an interesting color because it swings both ways (actually, most colors are contradictory). For example, green is usually associated with freshness, coolness, clarity and growth. However, if you shine a green light on human flesh, it looks repulsive. Shine a green light on criminals and you’ll elicit a confession much quicker than other colors.

The Psychological Effect of Orange Colors

Orange is associated with warmth, enthusiasm, and exuberance. It’s a lively color, associated with Halloween and Thanksgiving. Orange isn’t as intense as red because it’s blended with the cheeriness of yellow.

Orange has been touted as one of America’s least favorite colors, perhaps because it’s been associated with arrogance, danger, and overemotion. Orange is used to draw attention – such as the caution signal on a traffic light.

Color Psychology in Other Cultures and Eras

Colors in other cultures have very different meanings. For instance, black isn’t a sign of mourning in all cultures, and blue doesn’t indicate sadness in every country. Orange is a sign of royalty in the Netherlands, and green was a sign of the devil during the Middle Ages.

Janny — for information about how light and scent affects our moods and emotions, go to my article about color and click the links at the end. Here’s the article about color (which contains the same info as above)…

The Psychology of Color

I hope this helps, and wish you all the best with your project!

Laurie
Comment by Janny on 7 February 2010:

Thank you for you help!
Comment by Janny on 7 February 2010:

your help*
Comment by Prof.Tina R. Morgan, MBA on 10 February 2010:

May I please make 10 copies of your artical, Increasing Self-Confidence For Women that was in Psychology? I am teaching an Intro class in Business, it’s in an adult studies course. These are men and women returning to school to get their Bachelors degree.
Please let me know. Thank you kindly, Tina
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 11 February 2010:

Hi Tina,

Yes, I’d be honored if you used my article about increasing self-confidence for women in your Business course! Please do.

Take care,
Laurie
Comment by T on 14 February 2010:

Hi, i’ve met a girl and i became close with at the same time i fell in love with and she fell for me too but the problem is we didn’t start anything serious , so like a month ago she shocked me by telling me that she she met a guy and she’s with him and she actually had a HUGE crush on him before and so does he . i love her and i don’t want to lose her .. but i kinda stepped back just go give her her space with her boyfriend and i dont want to be pushy. i’d totally be there for her when she needs me and i miss her so much i wish i could get over her because im having serious hard time. I need your help Thanks ..
Comment by SaSa on 17 February 2010:

Hi,

I really like your blog. I want to start a blog similar in format to your to educate young people on traveling, but I want to set it up where I can have advertisements on it to make extra income. Can you tell me the program you used for your blog? What are the basic steps in setting up a blog? How much computer, web development background do you have?

Thanks for your help!
Sasa
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 17 February 2010:

Dear T,

I’m sorry to hear that your girl has fallen in love with another guy…that is heartbreaking.

I think you’re right to step back to give her the space she needs — that’s a kind, mature, loving thing to do. If this relationship works out for her, then you have to accept that you weren’t meant to be together. But if it DOESN’T work out, then you and she might have a chance at reconnecting one day.

There’s not much you can do now, but wait and see what happens…In the meantime, I encourage you to find ways to be as happy and fulfilled in your life as possible! Don’t sit around being depressed because she’s not in your life (easier said than done, I know). Find new ways to make your life exciting: travel, work challenges, new friends, new things to do in your city, etc. What’s your passion — what makes you feel GREAT about life? Do those things!

And remember: happy, fulfilled, passionate people attract friends and possible partners. So, the happier and more content you get with your life, the more attractive you’ll be to girls

I wish you all the best.

Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 17 February 2010:

SaSa,

Congratulations on thinking about setting up your blog! It sounds great — I love travel blogs.

I’ve written several articles for new bloggers on my “Quips and Tips for Successful Writers” site, which answer the questions you’ve asked. Here are the links:

10 Tips for Starting a New Blog

6 Web Site and Blog Building Tips

How to Choose the Best Free WordPress Theme for Your Blog

Each of these articles has links to other articles on starting, running, and advertising on a blog — plus links to articles on building blog traffic.

I hope they help, and wish you all the best in starting your blog. Come back and paste the link here when it’s set up — and feel free to ask me questions on my blog articles.

All best,
Laurie
Comment by Nur on 19 February 2010:

Hello, my problem is my mom unfortunaetly, she loves money and constintly demans money from all of us, she lives with one of the kids all the time and she has rental income unlike us.
Ever since I remember her since i was a kid she was fighting with her mom i don’t know why i was to little, than it was my father whom my mom was arguing until he died exactly a year ago, she always used us aganist my dad as well.
She used me the most aganist my dad, my dad was not the best person in the world but now i realize that she is the real cause of our family problems.
After he died she started to attack me and my youngest sister (before too just not as bad)
She wants my youngest sister to give her condominum to one of my brothers, mom makes this 40 year old man poor thing he needs etc. so she thinks my sister should give her place to him, i am the only one aganist this next to my sister.
Other kids one is ok. because it is him whom she wants the condo to be given, other sister is emotinaly brainwashed by my mom and she thinks it is ok. to give the place to the brother as well.
This other sister had the condo half and half with my sister and the other one after years of brainwasing by my mom she gave her part of the condo to my brother now they want the other half also.
Mom and that brother is living in that condo for years free (mom has a place of her own with 4 condo, and gets rent)
Now we are evil in our home she tells everyone about me and my sister being terrible people and stops other realtives brothers and sisters communucating to us.
She used these tactics to my father none of his kids was close to him becasue of mom.
She wants, and wants and wants money from us for all kinda lies and excuses before we knew that she was lying we gave her everything we can, now we realize she gets rent we make our living by working and she lies and she gives that money to other relatives after she takes from us.
She treats one of her grandchild extremely special though this person is married she and her husband and her kids gets anything they want she never ever, ever gives us anything when she visits us she would take our food and asks for material stuff in our home etc.
This is what is going on and it is very difficult to handle it, I am asking for an advise please.
What should we do, meaning me and my other sister, the only friends in our family most people either don’t care or they are aganist us, my other siblings think since she is our mother we should do anything and everything she wants, and they use the Holy Book of God to justify this, but i think God gave everyone rights as well.
So what do you recommend us before we lose our mind?
Thank you sooo much )
Comment by Anirudh on 20 February 2010:

Mam,i have social phobia………my problem is i can’t talk to people openly.i feel like not to talk to people much.I know that socializing is very important and i see around and find that everyone is just talking to people without much worry.From childhood i have’nt had the practice to talk to people much.But now i badly need for my life’s sake.I feel talking to people would expose my internal thoughts and feelings to people.I,myself know that i haven’t talked to people…..going and making many frnds.I feel an internal jolt everything within me is nothing.At present i am doing postgradute and i stay in hostel.Many of frnds tell me that i speak like a child……like i talking too much openly,staright.Althouh, many at times when i get some confidence when i don’t feel insecure i feel Comfortable and Weightless….but that’s only for sometime…..
I feel that my weakneeses are linked to many of my failures and traumas in past,childhood,recent past…….i had bad results in my studies from my childhood,till now.With that thought i feel insecure and somewhat zeolous by looking at other people…..which i just cannot overcome,even if when i see that i can do many things easily….but then also i feel insecure….this has been the reason that many of my good frnds used to speak with me but of this attitude and behaviour they started to dislike me.Although at this stage i m doing my studies….but i can’t fully devote to it.One thougt just makes me feel very low that in my family my sister who’s 3 yrs younger is a sucessful Comp. engineer….my dad is very ideal to me and he is good comp. professional, my elder brother is a sucessful comp. professional…..which makes me feel GREAT,that i may also hav the qualities…but in think i never haven’t lived upto my parent’s expectations,never really done much or achived much!.
Another failure from childhood is that facing to harsh people….mean “DICKS”….they always screwed me up….so that made me vulnerable to get out to the society with the thought of getting struck….physicaly i descent figure,tall but i feel terrified that getting beaten up with no reason…or maybe by showing my mellowing nature.So, mam so i hav 2 prblems insecurity in my career and physical insecurity which resists me by all ways in framing my personality. That’s it

i m sorry if don’t like my story..
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 February 2010:

Dear Anirudh,

Thanks for sharing this piece of yourself here — that took alot of courage! You’re on your way to overcoming your social phobia…you just need to figure out the best way to grow out of this.

My first suggestion is to seek help from a counselor. You need guidance and objective feedback as you figure out how to talk to people openly. It’s very difficult to overcome things like this alone — we all need help when we’re making major changes in our lives!

My second suggestion is to join a group such as Toastmasters, or a support group for shy people. I don’t know where in the world you are, but I hope there are opportunities for self-improvement and growth.

And my third suggestion is for you to practice in small ways. Take little risks, such as talking to your brother’s friends, or a classmate you haven’t spoken with before.

Really, though, I hope you talk to a counselor. I think that would help you work through your childhood issues, and move past them to have a healthy, happy adulthood.

Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Aniruddha on 27 February 2010:

Thanks mam,actually i am from india hailing from the city Kolkata……i got to your site when i was feeling at a loss…..and i cannot share my weakness with my frnds….because they will always try to exploit it.
Whatever….one thing that i can talk to people but,only that i feel very when people laugh at me.i feel like standing on a slippery place and i m out of my wits….as if people approaching to screw me up.i lose my confidence and i lose control of my language and actions.My sister also tells me that my main problem is that i lose confidence very easily if anything bad happens !!!!
Comment by Josue Nunez on 7 March 2010:

I made a question the other day, what happened to the answer?

Thank you
Comment by Kathy McConnell on 9 March 2010:

Hi Laurie,
I read an article by Penelope Trunk in which she referenced your posting on ways to make an office that will help introverts excel. Can you please send the link?
Thanks!
Kathy
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 11 March 2010:

Hi Kathy,

Thanks for your message — it’s great to hear from you!

Though I’m not exactly sure which article Penelope was referring to, I suspect it was the first of these three possibilities:

Introverts, Extroverts – Response to Surroundings

Introverted Personality Traits at Work

Tips for Networking Successfully for Introverts

I hope one of these meets your needs…if not, let me know!

Best regards,
Laurie