What is an Emotional Affair? Cheating in Your Heart
Out for Coffee...or Out for Love?
The difference between an emotional affair and an innocent friendship may be slight, but it can make or break your marriage. These signs of an “affair of the heart” are from Dr Phil McGraw.
“For every rat you see, there are 50 you don’t,” says Dr Phil.
For every sign of infidelity, there may be more signs that you’re missing. According to Dr Phil, every problem in marriage can represent several other problems that you don’t see.
If you think emotional cheating is a problem in your marriage (ie, your spouse has a close friend of the opposite sex), read The Emotional Affair: How to Recognize Emotional Infidelity and What to Do About It.
And, here’s what Dr Phil says about affairs of the heart…
Emotional Affairs Vs. Innocent Friendships
On this show, Dr Phil featured Amanda and Randy. During their 11 years of marriage, Amanda had five emotional affairs (including an involvement with a psychiatric patient when she was a nurse. She lost her job over that one).
Here are the basics of emotional affairs, including what they are, why people commit emotional infidelity, and how to recover from emotional cheating.
It’s an emotional affair — not just an innocent friendship – when there are:
- Long phone conversations, emails, and online discussions
- Love letters
- Meetings and conversations that are kept secret from the partner
- Connections, confessions, and discussions that are kept secret
Reasons people have emotional affairs:
- Infatuation addiction – they like the “tingly feeling”
- Fear of intimacy – they don’t want to be vulnerable with their partner
- Desire for new attractions and conquests
- Attraction to power and exhilaration
- Rebellion against the marriage or relationship
- Emotional fixation at a teenage level (emotional immaturity)
For more reasons behind infidelity, read Why Men Cheat on Women.
The good news, Dr Phil says, is that an “affair of the heart” doesn’t have anything to do with the spouse. The bad news, he says, is that the “affair of the heart” doesn’t have anything to do with the spouse!
People who have emotional affairs have their own personal reasons, which have little to do with their partner or spouse. This doesn’t absolve the partner of all responsibility; it means that the partner may have little control over the reasons for the emotional cheating.
Tips for overcoming “affairs of the heart”:
- Don’t discuss the affair in front of the children, family, or friends
- Recognize that there is a point at which you have to let go of someone you love
- Protect your children from toxic relationships
- Acceptance on the part of the person having the emotional affair that he/she needs help
- Decide what you want and make a commitment to doing it
If you’re struggling to overcome an emotional affair and want to be closer to your partner, read When You Feel Alone in Your Marriage – Emotional Disconnection.
Sometimes, one partner thinks the friendship is innocent – there’s nothing wrong with having lunch or coffee with his opposite-sex friend! All they do is talk, and neither are attracted to the other. And he may be right: the friendship is totally innocent.
But, if his partner is upset or threatened by the friendship, then it needs to end. I think we need to do all we can to help our partners feel supported, loved, and secure – even if that means letting go of innocent friendships.
The Psychology of Love
- Save Your Marriage Today
- Captivate Him – Be the Woman He Never Wants to Leave
- He Doesn’t Love You Back? 12 Secrets to Melting His Heart
Breakup Help
- How to Get Your Ex Back
- The Magic of Making Up – Even When It Seems Hopeless
- 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love
Have you or your partner had an emotional affair? How did it affect your relationship? Comments welcome below.
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Love & Relationships, Marriage Tips
Dear Connie, I empathize with you. I am a single woman, never married and I am in a career where I see these types of problems. I hope your husbamd realizes how devoted you are to him and he needs to be careful to avoid any flirty behavior. Maybe couples counseling will help.
My husband with me 15yrs all together the last 3yrs he got in touch with a childhood friend who he had many conversations with. When I approached him about the facebook messages txt messages and bbm’s and phone calls he kept saying were just friends I proceeded to ask him not to talk to her he said he wouldn’t stop. So I went ahead and wrote a letter to her husband. Now he’s upset and wants to press charges on me.. For making him aware of there affair
Hi Connie. You are not crazy! Sounds like your situation is making you crazy…:( The things you want are what a person who wants a healthy relationship wants and well your guy doesn’t seem to be providing you with what you need. When someone is trying to hide something that usually when they get upset about snooping. And your gut lead you to what you needed to know about what he has been doing so, trust yourself. Your feelings are trying to tell you what u need to know to protect yourself. I wish you the best:)
Hi,
My husband was supposed to get married to this girl in 2008, but things didn’t work out and she got married to someone else in Feb 2009. Co-incidentally, my husband and I met for the first time on the day this girl got married. The same year, in Aug, we got married and have had a happy marriage. I had no problems with him keeping in touch with her as she was happily married too and they were good friends.
Last week, my life was shattered, when I found messages on gtalk between my husband and this woman, talking about the time when they were together. My husband revealed that he still thinks about the time they made love and that he would never forget their first kiss. This devastated me and when I confronted him, he got mad at me and accused me of spying.
A few days later, things quietened down and we said sorry to each other and it seems fine now. But, he ensures his laptop is never available for me to check on anything and he never leaves his gtalk logged in for me to see any of his chat messages, even by mistake.
WHAT DO I DO? – Should I be upset and think about leaving? Should I forgive, forget and move on? We have a 17 month old little girl too
The response to persistance in emotional affairs needs to be looked at differently for different scenarios regarding husbands. If the husband has normally been a satisfactory partner, there are children and the wife hasn’t been prone to belittling him, exceedingly demanding and controlling over their family life style or overly neglectful in a physical demonstrations of affection, it’s best not to dump him. It’s then best to explain that if he doesn’t want to loose your respect and stretch your tolerance by forcing you to make adjustments to find an equilibrium where you can cope he’d be wiser to desist now. Give him an outline of the immaturity of those choosing to do an emotional affair that generally risks physical enactments later. Point out that those who need the ego boost of playing with a family man are very questionable. If he is choosing you he’d better not be caught doing this anymore or leave you with any signs in how he relates to you that this is happening as your feelings for him won’t be at their optimum or the children’s respect for him. Then tell him he is meant to be an adult so you don’t think it’s up to you to further plead or persuade or stop him. There isn’t anything that you can see you need to do more in getting him working it out. Nor can you realistically prevent him sneaking this indulgence- until it burns itself out- if he was to be that immature to need to persue it.
These comments leave you with what power is possible since the horse has already bolted out of the stable, yet not off the ranch.
Most men will persist for a bit(though don’t disclose this awareness to him), but you should still have numero uno role if he accepts he needs to hide this from you. This also makes it easier for him to return to the fold when it burns out. It means he won’t dare not do things with you and the family or overtly look glazed about another in your time. It means that you aren’t stupididly handing him over to the other creep. It means the other creep will be frazzled by his reduced availability. It means he was left with free choice in his behaviour and the knowledge you can fill in gaps he leaves and you look to have strengths and still standards. He is worried by what you may do to cope with less of him as you never tell him what it could be. It means if he ends up out of control and too disgusting in this affair you can get ready way ahead with a divorce lawyer, while having access to all the documents and information while together, without him knowing until you are ready to strike. Your lawyer costs are less when you’ve run the case and all he gets to do is respond. More likely the marriage will continue well since you’ve stopped feeling a victim and adjusted to sometimes husbands will have a spell of being a stupid boy and with your calm distancing a lot of the affairs magic will fizzle into dull repetition of the established banter and inevitable eventual conflicts over power with the creep and your husband. In the big picture you both have shared and invested more and no marriage hasn’t had periods of temporary wanderings mentally or emotionally or physically, but move on, still sharing more positives than gained by being divorced and even if lucky repartnering.
For women with this situation and no children in the early years of a relationship, just go ASAP.
For women with an abuser or continual alcoholic, even with kids go, before he tries to. Though prepare for divorce before confronting him to get the best deal.In this last scene you should have left before this affair happened if it’s him.
If it’s you, it’s a good reminder of what you ought to have in a relationship. Yet never believe any such recent hero once you go. Your hero will be a victim reader procuring his next victim.
Abused women and those dealing with an alcoholic aren’t at their best to attract a really good man untill they have left having recovered independantly.
Hello
My name is elina i reside in canada, I have been successfully married for 12year without issues, but just about few months ago I have been having serious difficulty and misunderstanding in my marriage and it almost leading to a divorce. I could not even tolerate it any more i have to take my kids with me and move out, but i sincerely love my husband to the fullness just dont know why he behaving strange lately.
This continuos for about 8months and just two weeks ago he went for a divorce lette which i and my kids are not ready for because i love im so much.
What do i do?
I’m sitting here still in shock and disbelief after discovering that my partner of 5 years has had an emotional affair with a ‘friend’ from work (for about 2 months now). Discovering the betrayal and the lying (especially when I asked him directly about it…and only admitting it when I provided proof..after which he got mad at me for snooping) is still breaking my heart. It’s like my/our ‘comfortable’ world (I thought) as we knew it, has ended…and I don’t know what to do…I’m so confused and hurting! He has agreed to go to counseling with me, but has also said that he loves me but it’s different…more like a friend…whereas with her it’s more romantic. She is 30 years younger, and he realized that it probably would not work now, so he has told her that they have to ‘end it’ (not what he had intended to do before I found out but more realistic in the long run) because he doesn’t want to give up the familiarity, comfort, and security of our life. But…I can tell that he is sort of partronizing me…for now…and has even said that it’s just human nature to cheat and so he can’t really promise anything down the road..as in life…no one can. I’m just so confused! Am I crazy to want committment..or to think that committment is crucial AND a choice…even if we are just partners (not married). He thinks that there is a difference between couples who are married and have kids together and couples who are ‘just’ living together, even if it is/has been a very compatible-and-happy living together. Is he just giving himself an out? I know that I love him…and want to believe that he will truly try to commit to ‘us’ but I’m scared. This whole ordeal has been one of the most painful I have ever gone through….not to mention that I have been soley responsible for my mother for the last 10 months (she goes between nursing home and hospital) after she fell while walking her dog and developed a massive brain bleed and has lost all mental cognition and many subsequent infections. I just feel so alone and scared…and truly overwhelmed right now. I am going to counseling…individually…and next week as a couple…but I don’t even know what I want any more. I just want the pain to go away..and I’m even drawing at straws here by even posting on this site..but at least it’s something. If there is anyone who has any ideas, words of wisdom, advice, please, please let me know. Thanks!