Me, in our old cottage on Bowen Island, BC.
If you haven’t chosen a childfree life, you need to know how to be happy without having children of your own. These tips on accepting life without kids are from me – a woman who has accepted infertility.
Accepting a childfree life is easier said than done, right? But listen…
“The willingness to win OR lose moves us out of an adversarial relationship to life and into a powerful kind of openness,” writes Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen in Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal. “From such a position, we can make a greater commitment to life.”
Kitchen Table Wisdom is one of my favorite books because it’s all about accepting both the bitter and the sweet parts of life. Dr Remen is an oncologist who never had children. She struggled with Crohn’s Disease for most her life, and when she was in her 20s had surgery to remove most of her intestines. Remen knows failure and heartache…and she teaches people how to bounce back to live full, passionate lives.
And that’s what this blog – Quips and Tips for Achieving Your Goals – is all about!
If you feel like you’ll never be happy without a baby, read When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden: Encouragement for Couples Facing Infertility. It’s a powerful book about accepting your life even if you’re living with the pain of not having children.
How to be Happy Without Having Children
Be willing to let go of how your life “should” be
Do you associate not having children with feelings of failure, being a “loser”, or feeling less worthy or fulfilled than the mom next door? The first step to accepting a childfree life is express your feelings of pain and loss. Admit that it’s painful to not have children.
Second, you have to be open to your life as it is. Instead of hating your body or wrestling with the fact that you can’t have kids, try opening your heart and mind to a life without children. You don’t have to love or be cheerful about your childfree life, but being open to your life as it is will help you accept the hand you’ve been dealt.
If you’re not as resilient as you’d like to be, read Best Ways to Cope With a Personal Crisis – From Boxing to Inertia.
Remember that everyone deals with something
Everybody has problems; they just look different. My friend’s 19 year old son was recently killed in a car crash. I have ulcerative colitis; my husband and I are coping with male infertility (azoospermia). One of my writing colleagues recently had a stroke, and can’t think clearly enough to write anymore.
If want to be happy without having children, remember that infertility is a condition that you’re unfortunate enough to hav…and we all have stuff. Knowing that I’m not alone in the pain that life brings helps me accept a childfree life. All God’s children got their crosses.
Sometimes women feel guilty that they can’t have children – they feel it’s their fault somehow. If you feel like you did something that caused infertility, read 10 Reasons to Forgive Yourself for the Bad Things You Did.
Surround yourself with childfree couples
We spend time with friends who have kids – but I most enjoy my friends who don’t have children, or who have grown children! I especially like my friends who have chosen never to have children. If it hurts you to spend time with pregnant friends or big families, then reduce those visits. I wouldn’t advise avoiding families altogether, but I think accepting a childfree life is easier when you’re with people in the same situation.
Another thing that helped me be happy without children is my dog. We adopted Georgie from the SPCA, and she adds so much love and happiness to our lives – and frustration too – that it helps take our minds off not having kids.
Remember that you’ll experience sadness, bitterness, or regret every day
Getting and staying emotionally healthy is a daily choice. Accepting your childfree life and being happy without having children is something you have to decide to do — perhaps every hour! Being okay with your life doesn’t happen overnight. And, feelings of acceptance don’t last forever. It’s like showering or eating; you have to do it every day. Sometimes three times a day!
To be happy without having children, you have to remember that happiness is a daily choice.
If you don’t know what to do to be happy, read What Goals Should You Set for Your Life? 4 Types of Life Goals.
Are you accepting a childfree life? Can you be happy without children? I welcome your comments below.
Kristi,
Thanks for your comment! The Hannah’s prayer website sounds really good – I think there’s a book with a similar name, for women coping with fertility issues.
I’d love to check Content as Two out! It sounds inspiring and hopeful. But I like to think of me and Bruce as “Very Happy as Two” (as opposed to being content, which to me has an element of disappointment and resignation).
I think it’s a bit easier for us, because I was never consumed with the idea of having kids. I wanted to get pregnant, but could also see myself being happy without children. I still wish we had kids, but am very grateful for the benefits of being childless.
Thank you for writing this. I am a part of a Christian ministry called Hannah’s Prayer (www.hannah.org) for women dealing with fertility challenges, both infertility and pregnancy loss. One of the forums there is called “Content As Two” and it is for those who have come to a place of accepting that their family will remain the size that it was when began on their wedding day as husband and wife. There are some amazing women there whose lives are full and joyful, in spite of not having the children that they once dreamed of. They are honest about the sting of infertility that never quite goes away, but also about the joy that fills their lives. I have been very encouraged by their stories, as I am by yours as well!
Thanks for being here, Jennifer.
What is your passion? What could you spend hours or even days doing, and totally lose track of time? What have you always dreamed of doing?
I think it’s easier to accept a childfree life if we find and pursue our passions.
What will you do with the one wild and precious life you have?
Thank you for this article and for the comments left by women. I also cannot have children due to make infertility (azoospermia), and there are times…most times…where I feel my life has zero meaning. I am not happy in my career…never really was “career driven”, as I always wanted to be a mom. I dread hearing about the latest baby born into the family, and I avoid almost all family gatherings. I have no friends anymore unless they also are childless. I get SO tired of hearing how women are not fulfilled until they have children…and am equally tired of hearing “why don’t you just adopt”…it’s so nice to hear I’m not alone, and just knowing other women can feel my pain helps…I don’t know why we have to go through this, but maybe someday God will explain it to us.
Dear n,
It sounds like you are very unhappy with life right now, and that you’re stressed as well. I’ve learned that stress and painful emotions can trigger negative coping behaviours – which is what bulimia is.
I can’t give you the help you need, I’m sorry to say. You need to talk to someone in person about your feelings about your ex-boyfriend, not having children, and your broken dreams.
It’s very important to get the help you need as soon as possible. Please don’t put it off, because you’re just prolonging the pain.
Do you have a counsellor or someone you trust, who you can talk to?
For a long time I stayed away from my friends with kids. I felt not on the same page. I felt isolated an outsider and a failure.what was it about me that put me in this place? The guy I hoped to marry and raise a family with decided to get someone else pregnant. I was devastated. I saw my dreams collapse. My bulimia from years back escalated. I travelled, had adventures I felt ltollow..my life felt not worth living. I still feel a failure I still feel unfullfilled. I felt in supported and outside of society…. I am bitter I want to shout and scream at those people around me child rearing…not noticing my pain. I feel stupid. I spend time with my friends with kids now. I feel the pain. I feel detached from life. I am depressed
Where do I begin? I was super fertile, but my husband wasn’t and nothing worked. It is too late now for me. All my adult life I have worked with children, mostly as a teacher and people assume that because I am so good with them, I must also have children. Sometimes it is just too difficult to say that I don’t have any so I make them up. Pitiful, eh? The hardest time is on Mother’s Day when everyone (including complete strangers) wishes you “happy mother’s day”. Why does everyone assume that if you wear a wedding ring, you must have children? The ache never goes away and there is no escape.
This is perfect and it’s nice to read about someone else that has dealt with the same thing