I’m so sorry you’re going through this – it sounds like so much to deal with, after being together for so long. I don’t know if I can give you the help you need, but I wrote this article for another reader — it’ll at least answer your question about how much you should tell a new guy!

How Much Should You Tell Your Fiancé About Your Past?

Blessings,
Laurie

He felt like I acted more like his mother than his wife, He would go around for four yrs stating his emtions to people and I would just ignore it, I ended up blocking him out. I would not tell him my emotions, he felt like I was easily manipulated, I burnt hi out hard core I took him for granite thinking that he would never leave me, he would spend nights just talking to me trying to get me to open up in the bedroom at first I would run into my sons room to avoid having sex like it was a game, then I would talk while we were intimate, I would think about the beach instead of him, I would only let him do his thing 3 times, I would change the music in the car to what I liked nevermind what he liked. I was abusive I would come home and yell about anything and everything, I didnt care if he was happy or not. I wouldnt respect his emtions, I would talk to him differently then others, he asked me to change and i blew it off, I would think things and not tell him what I was thinking like when he proposed I wasnt ready to settle down and at the end I knew it was coming to an end but didnt fight for it, so yeah basically I was a dumb b***h. Now my question is the next person I get with should I tell him these things as I will not repeat the same mistakes. I will cherish them.

Also I went to the lunes as a result of our breakup. I put a restraining order on him. Also when I left his house I got into a car accident with my kids in the car and my son had to have surgery and i had mt spleen taken out. I still love this man more than anything he tried to gey us to move before he meet this new girl but I wouldnt. at the end it go so bad he was checking razors and toothbrushes and accusing me of having someone at the house well he was at work, I told him I would take a lie detector test to prove to him i didnt and i would put cameras around the house. I didnt treat him as my bf nor did i ever try too. He felt like killing himself because he didnt feel like a man. and he told me this and I just played it off he would ask me to bring back the passion that we once had and I wouldnt we both lost ourselves in the relationship mind you I had post partum depression untreated, he asked me to give him 100% and I told him I was and if he didnt like it to leave, when in reality I wasnt giving him 100%.

I had thought about seeking counseling for both of us a yr ago but never did as I was thinking he would never leave me and I got to lazy. Then he left me for her she is nice and attempts to give him evertthing he wants and he can trust her he told me that it was like a generatorgoing off when he first meey her. He also told me that he saw more in her eyes then when we first meet, This man is not a cheater at all he is the most genuine man I have evr meet he takes awesome care of his kids and right now he is struggling with being away from them he had to go on meds for anxiety. But he tells me he has to learn to cope with it and right now he is too depressed to even be in love with her. cause how can he be in love when he isnt happy. What do I do I feel like I fu**ed up my kids and my life.

I have to completely start a new life because I was living his life in RI and all my family is in Maine and I hate Maine, but need the help with the kids. Do you think that he is really in love with her and dont you think that it is a bit to fast for him to move on and already be living with this girl but the thing is he has only had me and this girl has his girlfriend he doesnt even look at other women. Once he has one thats it plus he is in a box and doesnt feel comfortable talking to other woman. at the end he could barely even walk and he ended up punching the stove but we still never sat down and tried to figure out the problem and I didnt know what I was doing to him till the end.

I am no way in shape for another relationship I am on my depression meds and seeking counseling but my question for you is should I tell another man what happened between him and I? I am so scared it will scare them away but I know the next time I am with someone not to act in this manner and hopefully they will believe me. I know I put this man through hell and I feel like sh*t about it and there is nothing I can do to change the past and I just hope that someone in this world will forgive me and not judge me and still see that they could spend the rest of life with me. I have one guy who knows everything and he still likes me abd told me that you learn from your lessons but I dont like him like that.

I am so scared I will settle in an attempt to not be alone. but how am I suppossed to get another genuine male when that is what I did thanks for all of your advice and yes I know I was a heartless b***h.

Thank you very much for your reply. You have given me a new perspective. I think that his asking me to marry him so soon is his reaction to being in a relationship that is so different than what he has experienced before. I was married for many years before this, and never thought I would have a chance at it again. I think that is why I was quick to say “yes”! However, I do agree with your point that we really need time to get to know each other in all situations, and a year is a reasonable rule of thumb. When I brought up the idea that we should hold off for a year he said that if that’s what I want, he is fine with it. He says he will wait for me forever.

Thank you again for your advice!

Jane

I think that it’s important for every couple to follow the “one year rule.” That is, they should be together for one full year before talking about marriage!

Why rush into marriage, especially with a man who has been through so much? I don’t know if he’s rebounding with you, or if he really loves you for who you are. The only way to tell is to give it time. Date for a year, get to know each other.

I think his rushing into marriage is a red flag. Whether it’s rebound love or not isn’t relevant — it’s not good for ANY couple to rush into something as huge, complicated, wonderful, and difficult as marriage!

So I encourage you to remain hopeful for the next year, as you continue to date and get to know him better If he’s not into this, then maybe he’s not the right guy for you.

Let me know what you think,
Laurie

hopeful,

Jane

Thanks for sharing this piece of your life here; I’m glad you reconnected with him. There’s something special about old friends from school…

About rebound love, I don’t think you can do anything to reassure him beyond a shadow of a doubt that this isn’t rebound love. He has to come to this realization on his own — you can’t convince him of something that you don’t even know is true! That is, he only had a month of being single…I don’t know if he’s rebounding and either does he or anyone else.

All you can do is take things slow and make sure he has time to heal from his last relationship breakup. Only time will tell if he’s ready for a new relationship, which is why you need to take things slow.

You say you can’t stop moving fast — but that’s not true. You CAN slow things down — you just don’t want to because it’s romantic and fun and exciting and special and passionate I get it, but moving fast doesn’t give you the time or space you BOTH need to see if this is the right person for you.

How are you and he moving fast? And, what can you do to slow things down? I encourage you to use your brain — not just your heart — and really think about taking it one small step at a time. You can still fall in love and be happy and passionate….and in fact taking it slow makes the relationship MORE happy, passionate, fun, and endearing! And, you’ll feel confident that you’re doing the right thing.

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best in this relationship.

Laurie