When Your Dog Dies: 11 Ways to Grieve the End of Your Pet’s Life
Illness, old age, and accidents are three things that can lead to the death of your dog - and coping with your loss may be harder than you imagined. Here, several dog owners share how their dog died and what they did to cope with their grief. You may not find a story here that erases your grief - but at least you’ll know you’re not alone.
Here’s how one journalist handled the death of her dog:
“When my precious schnoodle, Puccini, died, I channeled my grief into a project I’d been working on for 13 years-a series of children’s books called Adventures With PawPaw,” says Diana Scimone. “After Puccini died, I pushed the project into high gear. About a year later, the first three titles in the series were published-and more are on the drawing board.”
Not everyone can write publish about their pet’s death - but we can all write about it! For more help, click on the book cover to read about Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates: A Book of Hope for Those Who Have Lost a Pet by Gary Kurz. To learn how real dog owners coped when their dog died, read on….there are many ways to grieve the loss of your dog.
When Your Dog Dies: 11 Ways to Grieve the End of Your Pet’s Life
1. Surround yourself with people who understand. “I’ve got four boxes of ashes on my book shelves - three dogs and one cat - for the pets I’ve had to say goodbye to over the last dozen years,” says Carol. “Each was an important member of my family [I have no children]. I am of the belief that you have to accept that the grief will be as profound, if not more so, than if you lost a human member of your family. And you need to surround yourself with people who understand that. Folks who don’t share your love of pets will not understand your sense of loss. In most cases, I had to make the decision to euthanize the pet and I also find that to be both a uniquely challenging and, sometimes, uplifting aspect of the experience. You got to be there for the pet and give the ultimate gift of a peaceful and pain-free end.” - Carol Hodes
2. Plant a rose garden, and release a balloon. “Our 7 year old dog died very suddenly two years ago,” says Meagan. “We were all heart broken. We planted a rose bush in our dog’s honor and put a plaque by it to memorialize it. When our family heard what we had done, they all sent us more rose bushes. Now we have “Bailey’s rose garden.” Also, our daughter was only 5 at the time, so to help her cope, we got a balloon and released it “up to Bailey in heaven.” This helped her to process the loss.” - Meagan Farrell
3. Cherish your other pets. “I have been lucky that I’ve always had another pet at home to help me through the sadness - and they do feel the loss of their friend, too,” says Carol. “And I have gone on to get other pets to fill the void. I don’t understand the perspective of some people who, when they lose a beloved pet, won’t take the risk of getting another pet to love because they might eventually lose it as well. In January of 2008 I lost my Pembroke Welsh corgi, Chip, to cancer. I knew that by the spring I would have “puppy fever” and sure enough, I got a puppy at the end of March. Scooter is a border terrier who is now a year old.” - Carol Hodes
4. Welcome a different breed. “One thing I have done that may work for some people - I don’t replace one dog with another dog of the same breed,” says Carol. “There’s no way to replicate your last pet and why have the next one held up to comparison all the time? It’s easier [for me] to enjoy the charms of an entirely different type of dog.” - Carol Hodes
5. Remember the funny stories, & make an album. “We have to put our 14 year old dog to sleep two weeks ago. Not sure how, but he broke his femur bone and he would have had to undergo major surgery to put pins in his leg, or if the break was caused by cancer they would have to amputate and hope the cancer didn’t spread. Neither choice was good for a 14 year old. I had to explain to my children that “Floyd” wouldn’t be coming back from the hospital. My oldest child is just turning six and she couldn’t understand why we just didn’t get him a doggie wheelchair. It was the first real grieving moment she has had in her life. We had a funeral and memorialized him by telling her funny stories about him-how he liked to chase chickens, how he rescued (by barking to a neighbor) another dog that was drowning in our pool, and how he like to sleep in Mommy and Daddy’s bed with his head on the pillow. She thought they were funny. Especially that Floyd would be chasing all the chicken he wanted to up in heaven. Then we found several pictures of him and made a little album. This helped us all tremendously”. - Roni Jenkins
6. Embark on a new endeavor. “I’ve owned Doberman Pinschers for almost 25 years and each time, the loss of each one was crushing,” says Sherry. “When I lost my oldest Dobe, Tyler, I was numb with grief. He was old, I knew that, and had lived beyond the average age a Dobie lives, but his passing was still devastating. To pull myself out of the all-consuming grief, I decided to start a pet greeting card company and name it TylerDog Cards (this was about three years ago). Doing this helped me focus on the wonderful joy I had when Tyler was alive, plus it was a way for me to keep him alive and with me, sharing his legacy with others.” - Sherry Stinson
7. Give yourself time. “Many people advocate getting a new pet to replace the emptiness, while others say to wait,” says Sherry. “Personally, I think you have to give yourself a little time to grieve before jumping into a new puppy given they require so much attention. However, that’s just me.” - Sherry Stinson
8. Let yourself grieve. “The most important thing is, don’t be afraid to cry, to grief, to miss your pets,” says Sherry. “Too often people let society deem what’s appropriate to grieve over and what’s not. Pets are an important part of people’s lives today and just as hard to lose as anything else, so it’s very important to just let yourself grieve. And one day, when all the tears are gone and grief has subsided, a smile will replace the emptiness with the memory of the love they gave so freely.” - Sherry Stinson
9. Find a creative outlet. To help her cope with her grief, Diana wrote a series of books about a traveling dog.”Adventures With PawPaw features a little dog who travels to a different country in each book, introducing young kids to other countries and cultures,” says Diana. “So far PawPaw has visited China , France , and Costa Rica - and is packing his bags for Kenya , Italy , Egypt , Israel , and other spots.” - Diana Scimone
10. Share your memories of your dog. “My golden retriever Katie was a huge part of my life for 13.5 years,” says Regina. “We went through everything life tossed at us as a team, including my bout with cancer over six years ago. After she passed away, I hosted a memorial service with my friends. We sat in a circle and each guest told a happy story about Katie. Before each person spoke, I lit a small candle. After that I passed a balloon around and, as it reached each person, they had to express a wish for Katie in Eternity. When we completed the circle, I released the balloon and said that it not only carried our wishes Heavenward to Katie, it would grant those same wishes to every pet who had ever been loved and lost by anyone in the group.” - Regina Leeds
11. Visit a dog kennel. “In June 2007, we had to put down our beloved dachshund, who was two weeks shy of his 17th birthday. I almost immediately went online searching for dachshund rescue sites to see what dogs were available. I had no intention of replacing Joplin immediately but just found comfort in doing this. I also read up on how to deal with pet loss. Naturally, it’s a very individual thing and people respond differently. The house was eerily quiet without him and 4 months later, my husband and I adopted a wonderful 2 yr. old rescue. We still have photos of Joplin around the house and I do sometimes feel guilty loving Charlie as much as I do, but it is possible, at least for me, to be able to love this dog as much as I had Joplin.” - Jane Cohen
And, one tip for before your dog dies:
If you can, make a clear plan before your dog dies. “We recently lost Shirley, our cocker spaniel/poodle of 17 years, about a month ago,” says Abby. “As you can imagine, my family is still very sad. We have tried to keep it as lighthearted as possible by laughing about her strange habits or funny times when she was around. We did make one mistake the day she passed away. My dad found her body and panicked. To ensure my mother would not arrive home from work and panic also, my dad reacted quickly and buried the dog in the backyard. While preventing my mother from having to watch the burial was thoughtful, it was not what worked for the grieving process. My parents are not going to retire in the house that our beloved pet was buried. Now, we find ourselves a little worried about leaving our Shirley in the ground in someone else’s backyard. We learned to have a clear plan in case something happens and everyone is not around to make the decision together.” - Abby Harris
If you found When Your Dog Dies: Ways to Grieve the End of Your Pet’s Life, try:
Comment by Diana Scimone on 7 October 2008:
Laurie, thanks for posting my story about Puccini. It’s yet another wonderful way to honor him.
When your dog goes on to Doggie Heaven, you have to cope with it in the best way for you. What works for someone else may not help you at all. I have pictures of Puccini all over the house (I’m looking at 4 of them right now!), but my sister couldn’t keep any pictures of Peanut around; it was too painful for her. You’ll know what’s right for you.
When I was working on the Adventures With PawPaw books for many years, I didn’t know who PawPaw was going to be. We hadn’t yet gotten to the illustration stage, and in my mind PawPaw was going to be a made-up character. After Puccini died, it suddenly dawned on me (duh!) that PawPaw should be a dog.
I rounded up pictures of Puccini and gave them to artist Leah Wiedemer (www.lwiedemer.com) who was going to illustrate the PawPaw books. The result? PawPaw now bears a striking resemblance to a certain fluffy and lovable schoodle named Puccini.
A portion of the profits from book sales goes to help stop child trafficking around the world (www.pawpawspals.org) so it’s another way to honor his memory.
You can see a picture of Puccini at http://www.adventureswithpawpaw.com — click on the “Pedigrees” page for a photo of his first birthday party :-).
Diana Scimone
http://www.adventureswithpawpaw.com
http://www.dianascimone.com
Twitter: @BornToFly
Comment by Julie McClure on 8 October 2008:
Many people may disagree, but I highly recommend getting a new pet. Another dog, will never take the place of the dog you just lost, but in a matter of days or weeks, this new pet will be loving you unconditionally.
It will demand attention, demand feeding and demand lots of your time. You won’t be able to help starting to fall in love with the little guy. They will NEVER replace your past pet, but they can fill the void left from your loss. The loss is not quite so hard with some other little body is there to cuddle and kiss your face.
It really does help, despite feelings of “I’ll never have another one” or “I get too attached and it’s too hard when they are gone”. This is typical thinking, but most of the time, after another little life is introduced to your world, they have a way of helping the hurt heal.
If you do decide to get a new dog, the best bet is to steer clear of getting one of the same colour, sex and breed as the dog you lost. It’s unavoidable that you will tend to compare the two. You’ll say things like “Fido never would soil on the carpet” or “Fido never barked all time” and other such things. Don’t fall into the trap! Try a different breed or, if you’re hooked on certain breed, a different colour and sex. It will help you love the new addition just for themselves and stop the uncontrollable need to compare.
It’s like children - no two are ever alike, they have their own identity, personality, etc. You shouldn’t try and have them look alike, as you will compare and that just isn’t fair to the new dog. He would have big shoes to fill and that’s something that he won’t need when he is first introduced to your life.
Comment by Hali Chambers on 8 October 2008:
2 days before my birthday in January, my dog Barkley, died at the age of 15 & 1/2. I was traveling and knew when I got home that I would pick her up from the kennel and take her to be put down. She had started having seizures and couldn’t stand or walk by herself.
6 weeks later, I lost her son, Remi, who was 13 & 1/2. Unlike Barkley, I had no warning and was rushing him to the vet. Congestive heart failure. I had to let him go.
This time last year, I remember sitting outside with them both thinking that it would be my last autumn with Barkley. I had assumed that Remi would live to be 15 like his mother.
I have lost friends & family members–the grief I have felt does not compare to losing my dogs. Barkley was with me at the end of my 20’s into my 40’s. They both had a life-expectancy of 12 years, so everyday after that I felt lucky to have them. I would appreciate those quiet moments with Barkley sitting under my feet as I watched TV or read. Remi loved to be massaged. During those last few years as they got older, I would often think: There will be a time when they won’t be here. So it made me appreciate the moment even more.
I am still surprised sometimes when the grief returns. I have stopped thinking that I should be over it. Pushing it away only prolongs it. I miss the tangibles of being with them. I miss never calling their names in the yard. I miss hearing Remi make his moaning happy sound when I massaged him. I miss Barkley smiling. Yes, she really did.
All those things I miss. Jill Bolte Taylor recounts in her book My Stroke of Insight how when she thinks of her dog she feels the warm fuzzies, but can also go into a sense of loss because he died. It’s both: love and loss. All very bittersweet.
So here’s my advice:
Be with your pet when it’s time for them to go. Don’t leave it to strangers, it adds to your pet’s fear and confusion. Let them see you last. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to do, but it was the right and loving thing to do for my faithful companions.
The homeopathic remedy Ignatia is for grief. Take it. It really does help. It works for animals as well.
Recognize from the beginning that the very nature of having a pet is that you will most likely outlive them. Appreciate the time you do have with them. Love them and cherish them as much as they do you.
Doing something creative in honor of their memory helps to channel the grief into something constructive: a scrapbook, photo album, pillow, etc.
Give yourself time to grieve before jumping into getting another pet. The new one deserves your unfettered attention.
It really does get better with time. I think of them and smile. I am so grateful for their presence in my life.
Comment by Sherry Stinson on 8 October 2008:
Wonderful article! I know when I lost Tyler, I didn’t know what to do and when I started creating the cards for TylerDog Cards, it gave me something to throw my grief into, sharing his wonderfulness with the world. The great thing is, in his passing he has reached people from every state and several foreign countries where his cards have sold! It makes my day to know I can bring joy and happiness to others through my sweet Tyler, Grady, and the others I have loved.
Comment by priscilla on 3 December 2008:
Nov.8 a sad day, Nell was breathing hard to took her to the Vet. she had advanced cancer and other health problems I, was not able to bring her home as I expected to. There, is a book “Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates.” by Gary Kurz borrowed from the library. It will soon be a month sence losing her and the loss is painful She liked to ruffle up the Christmas tree skirt and settle in .No Nell and no tree. Priscilla
Comment by Joe on 26 December 2008:
How do you deal with the loss of a pet at christmas? My sweet loving greyhound had to be layed to sleep on Christmas day. My emotions are plenty. Is this a special day to go to heaven? Why do I have to play the role of GOD and be the exicusioner on this day? My greyhound had kidney disease and some other ailments which I had been taking care of regularly. I had been very good to her and spent a car payment on her monthly to keep her going. She was worth every penny of it. But when the time came at Christmas eve she began to have breathing problems. I knew everything was closed so we spent the night on the floor together. Christmas day I could no longer see her suffer. I found an Animal emergency hospital that I could take her to. I had spent so much on her and was just about exhausted for the holiday, I felt guilty that I only had so much money to care for her. The Vet on duty said that it would cost well over 500.00 to help her. I have no credit cards and laid out all I had. Just to give oxgen, euthenize her and receive her ashes cost 690.00 Why must a pets health come down to money? I feel guilty as spilled 505.00 onto the counter. I said take this, this is all I have. I feel terrible that I had to put her down. No price should have to be put on an animal, and yet I poured out so much in the past on low protein foods,MRI`s exrays, dogy daycare while I`m working. Daily meds and I would not take any of it back because My sweet little greyhound girl gave me more. The love she gave was so great I haven`t found any on this earth like it. So you see I am greaving heavily over these decisions I have made an on a day when no one wants to lay an animal to sleep. In my heart I know I took her pain and suffering away. But I find no rest in it. I did what was “right” but playing GOD with a life is difficult. The money to do or not do more is like the gold pieces given to Judas for our lords betrayl. How does one deal with these tough cosiquences? Then there`s the loss of love. This is the greatest. My whole routeen evolved around this loving animal. Now I can`t even go out the back door because of the hundreds of hours we walked around together out there. Another animal is not the answer at this time. Any advise. I grieve more than the loss when my mother died.
Comment by Laurie PK on 27 December 2008:
I’m very sorry to hear about the death of your greyhound, Joe - that’s so sad. Right before Christmas, I wrote this article on Dealing with the Death of Your Pet at Christmas…..and it’s all below. I hope it helps.
But I really think nothing helps but time.
Dealing With Pet Loss at Christmas…
If you’re dealing with the death of your pet dog or cat during the holidays, you may find it difficult to get excited about Christmas preparations, parties, and presents. These five suggestions may help you balance mourning when your cat or dog dies with a joyful Christmas experience. Plus, below are several tips for helping children cope with pet loss during the holidays.
Coping with Pet Loss at Christmas
1. Spend time with people who understand. If you talk about the death of your dog or cat at holiday parties or family functions, don’t spend time with people who can’t relate to your feelings of loss. You’ll feel worse if you feel you have to defend yourself, which will increase your feelings of grief. To cope with pet loss at Christmas, find support in people who have experienced similar situations.
2. Let yourself grieve. If your dog or cat has died during the holidays, you need time to mourn. Give yourself permission to do less, because the last thing you need to worry about is sending cards on time or baking your special gingerbread cookies. Coping with pet loss at Christmas is about giving yourself more down time – and focusing on things that are really important.
3. Find a creative outlet for your feelings. To express your feelings of grief – which will help you grieve your pet loss at Christmas – find ways to be creative. Journaling, painting, or scrapbooking a memoir of your pet’s life can help you deal with the death of your dog or cat.
4. Get out of the house. Research shows that volunteering improves your emotional and physical health, and it’ll take your mind off the death of your dog or cat at Christmas. Consider spending time with adults with disabilities, seniors who need company, or kids who are hospitalized. If you want to be with animals, check with your local shelter – they might need extra help over the holidays.
5. Let yourself grieve in your own way. Tune in to how you grieve. Do you withdraw to spend time alone? Do you talk about your pet and the circumstances surrounding the death? Would you prefer to listen to how others coped with pet loss? To cope with pet loss during the holidays, figure out what your grief process is and accept it – without letting others tell you how you should cope with pet loss at Christmas.
To Help Children Cope with Pet Loss at Christmas:
Talk openly about the death of your dog or cat, and encourage your kids to discuss their pet with friends and family, at school and in the community. Feelings of sadness and grief are often lightened when shared.
Share your own feelings of sadness and loss. Coping with pet loss sharing your grief, confusion, and even anger.
Answer questions as honestly as possible about how your dog or cat died.
Have a memorial, whether it’s a burial, moment of silence in the yard, or a walk in a special place where you have memories of the pet. Grieving your pet’s death at Christmas might involve a formal grief process with several friends and family members.
Comment by ANGELA PALERMO on 30 December 2008:
My tip is that recently a co-worker lost her dog of 12 years, I contacted the Toronto Humane Society and made a donation In Memory of her beloved four legged creature.
It really made her happy to know that her dogs’ celebration of life has made a contribution to a local pet shelter.
Comment by Eruca on 6 January 2009:
my two babies… where put to sleep last night. They were young… only 2… and my heart is breaking. i dont want to do anything. somebody. please. what can help? as im writing this i have tears streaming down my face. they were the best dogs in the entire world. they had so much more life in them. they loved me unconditionally and i loved and appreciated them in my life mroe than anyone will ever know.